marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Here's the story... I am 25, my bf is 29. We had a relationship if 3 years. He always had problems with commiting. So we had many ups and downs in our relationship, went through a lot, but in the end always ended up together, though it included lots of work from both sides. He is a foreigner. In the beggining of the month ha finished his studies and moved back to Israel. I met his parents a year ago and now recently hanged out with them for a week. His mom is ok, but his father doesn't approve that i'm not jewish, so we decided i'm gonna convert (i liked the religion, history, so it's not a problem). He met my parents, hangged out with them, we lived together for a half of year, even set a date o marry next year. Now here's a problem, when he came back to his hometown he started having those doubts. I sawthat i'm more enthusiastic about us than he is. so we talked, he said he is confused, his mind is changing everyday, he is thinkig about everything and it gets him scared (we would have to go through a lot if i move to his country, because we wouldn't have almost anything, he is just starting working), so i gave him a week to make his head straight. After a week he said he is still confussed. I got really angry and upset and said I don't see why should i wait any longer for you. We talked about it. He said he was never sure about marriage, but he saw that it was what i wanted, he tried his best, but it didint work out, he said he loves me and missed me like crazy, buthe's not readyand mature to make a lifetime commitment and doesn't see himself doing it in near future. I said that he didin;t love me if he doesn't want to be with me and he's letting me go, he said i just don't understand him. He told me he wants me to be happy and move on, maybe in the long run everything will get solved out, but now he can'toffer me what i want and can't ask me to wait, we both know it would be dumb to put life on hold and wait for smth that might never happen. He really loves and everyone sees that, but I don't know what should i do and how to behave in a smart way tomake him realize if he's willing to be with me (i wish). But i also don't want to do everything myself, because i feel that lately i'm doing everything and he's just dragging along with no willingness to move a finger (besides, i know he's depressed at the oment too, family problems, unsure bout his own future and so on). any advice? Do you think there'spossibility for us to get back together and be happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Well why is marriage such a pressing issue? Will he get back together with you if you stop pressuring that? Yeah, he's 29, he should be mature enough by now, but all he can do is tell you how he honestly feels. You're expecting him to compromise if he loves you, and he is thinking the same thing about you, "why can't she just understand". But if you feel like you are doing all the work and he doesn't have anything good to say after giving him a week to think, maybe you need to move on. If you end up together later, then so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 1.Well why is marriage such a pressing issue? 2.Will he get back together with you if you stop pressuring that? 1.I don't know, it is his first serious relationship and he doesn;t feel that he's ready to spend the rest of life with me. 2.Now we live in different countries, I had to go to him next summer. And besides I would look dumb and not respecting myself when I would take him back and everyone is already know that we planned a marriage next year. My mom is complaining that it's leading nowhere if he can't decide after all this time and he wuld force to hang there for much more time in the end giving me nothing... Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I would look dumb does it matter in the end what other people think about you if u love him and wanna be with him? honestly....if hes with u...he treats u well...and you love him, do you have to have the title of his wife? maybe its just me but i think that if you truly love each other and wanna be with each other then you have more then 50 percent of the people that get married...cuz thats the divorce rate nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 does it matter in the end what other people think about you if u love him and wanna be with him? honestly....if hes with u...he treats u well...and you love him, do you have to have the title of his wife? maybe its just me but i think that if you truly love each other and wanna be with each other then you have more then 50 percent of the people that get married...cuz thats the divorce rate nowadays. It does to me... Because I'm willing to do for him much more (moving to another country, starting everything from zero,conversion,getting along with his parents,helping and supporting with his career in the beggining when we wont have anything and so on) and I ask him only this... Is this much compared to what I'm willing to give? In this case it looks like only take relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 P.S. I really hope that maybe during some time not contacting him he will realise that he needs me, what would you offer to in my situation? Because i know he already misses me now. Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 well if he already misses you the no contact will only make him miss you more. i think that the NC rule works very well. cuz it forces one of two things. they either realize they miss you and want you back (and in the process you dont get drug through the mud waiting for them to realize it) or they dont and you are already on the road to moving on. upon the other topic i cant tell you whether or not basically forcing him to marry you is right for you...i know marriage is a big decision for a lot of people. especially if your someone like me who puts everything into his relationships and holds marriage very highly. if my g/f told me i had to marry her or she didnt wanna be with me id tell her im not ready and if she cant accept that then maybe it is best we split (that in mind i never date anyone i dont think i can marry someday). if hes just not ready then hes just not ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 1.(that in mind i never date anyone i dont think i can marry someday). 2.if hes just not ready then hes just not ready. Thank you, for your reply. 1.Exactly, you don't date people you don't see future with. 2.But the scariest part is that some people are NEVER ready Or maybe it becomes convenient to them with the time when their getting everything they need from their loved one and not giving anything back. Relationship is about compromising Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 2.But the scariest part is that some people are NEVER ready Or maybe it becomes convenient to them with the time when their getting everything they need from their loved one and not giving anything back. Relationship is about compromising well if you dont think he'll ever be ready, then whats the point of going on if thats what you want? it sucks to say but if you think hes not compromising and that he wont ever wanna be with you for the long run and put the commitment in then you gotta let be done with and move on til you find someone that will be there for you and wanna make those sacrifices...er compromises Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 well if you dont think he'll ever be ready, then whats the point of going on if thats what you want? it sucks to say but if you think hes not compromising and that he wont ever wanna be with you for the long run and put the commitment in then you gotta let be done with and move on til you find someone that will be there for you and wanna make those sacrifices...er compromises I don't think anything, if he doesn't know how should i know Maybe NC would be the best way to see what he really thinks and give him time to decide what he wants from life... Though recently I didin;t contact him for a week, but there was nothing he could tell me after it, so maybe i need to give him more time. I don;t know what's wrong or right anymore P.S. Yes, marriage is a big sacrifice... Especially for men Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 you dont know exactly whats going on in his head but if he says "he's not ready and mature to make a lifetime commitment and doesn't see himself doing it in near future." then you have a big hint that hes not ready and wont be anytime soon. i was only saying marriage was a big decision cuz for me its not something i take lightly. i wanna make sure that i believe we have a chance of lasting 50 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 you dont know exactly whats going on in his head but if he says "he's not ready and mature to make a lifetime commitment and doesn't see himself doing it in near future." then you have a big hint that hes not ready and wont be anytime soon. i was only saying marriage was a big decision cuz for me its not something i take lightly. i wanna make sure that i believe we have a chance of lasting 50 years of marriage. You're right, same here But we've got to this point where either we get married or we're breaking up. You see the situation is that we're both living in different countries now, since he finished his studies here few weeks ago and is never coming back, if he doesnt marry me, i'm not coming to his country and staying with him, so what's the point keeping this kind of long distance relationship when we will be able to see each other maybe twice a year? Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 i feel the pain. it hurts but if he doesnt wanna get married and you wont move there without him marrying you then its done. if you really feel like its never gunna get better or it doesnt get better and you try to make it work and still nothing then you should let him go and move on with your life. i just think about this quote...[FONT=georgia, bookman old style, palatino linotype, book antiqua, palatino, trebuchet ms, helvetica, garamond, sans-serif, arial, verdana, avante garde, century gothic, comic sans ms, times, times new roman, serif]relationships are like glass. sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. i think your just gunna end up hurting yourself if you persue something that just isnt there [/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 i feel the pain. it hurts but if he doesnt wanna get married and you wont move there without him marrying you then its done. if you really feel like its never gunna get better or it doesnt get better and you try to make it work and still nothing then you should let him go and move on with your life. i just think about this quote...[FONT=georgia, bookman old style, palatino linotype, book antiqua, palatino, trebuchet ms, helvetica, garamond, sans-serif, arial, verdana, avante garde, century gothic, comic sans ms, times, times new roman, serif]relationships are like glass. sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. i think your just gunna end up hurting yourself if you persue something that just isnt there[/FONT] [FONT=georgia, bookman old style, palatino linotype, book antiqua, palatino, trebuchet ms, helvetica, garamond, sans-serif, arial, verdana, avante garde, century gothic, comic sans ms, times, times new roman, serif][/FONT] Thank you for a nice quote. I would be more sure about this moving on thing if he would be REALLY sure about his desicions and told me he doesn;t love me strong enough, but the fact that he does and that he's changing his mind so often is killing me... It's like a struggle: "i love you, but i don't want to be with you"... or smth like that. It makes me confussed to... Because I WANNA believe... But tango is for 2... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 P.S. I feel that it's not over, but maybe i'm in denial... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 Just realized that the breaking up had a different reason, he is trying to protect me from smth, to give me an opportunity to be happy (guess it's connected with our situation)... Probably he freaked out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Yesterday wrote him couple of messages, see that he loves and misses me. Can't let go of him so easily... Can someone lead me on the right path, what whould be the best to do know? Really need advice Go NC,write him a letter that will give him few months to rethink it or what? Please, HELP! Feel desperate Link to post Share on other sites
Thomas X Forever Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I am unorthodox in this belief, but stand by it. Try to get back with him til you're satisfied you will not get back together. Then and only then can you go NC without any regret. Try to be satisfied before they threaten to file a restraining order, though. Maybe give it 1, 2, or 3 shots. If he still says no, then go NC permanently and never look back. Tell yourself you TRIED. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marmaliade Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I am unorthodox in this belief, but stand by it. Try to get back with him til you're satisfied you will not get back together. Then and only then can you go NC without any regret. Try to be satisfied before they threaten to file a restraining order, though. Maybe give it 1, 2, or 3 shots. If he still says no, then go NC permanently and never look back. Tell yourself you TRIED. Very funny Link to post Share on other sites
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