aloneanddepressed Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 what are you guys thoughts on a male who has more female friends than male? just curious, thanks......
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Generally gay, effeminate, or an otherwise atypical male. What else would you like to know? I'll presume that you mean platonic female friends....
Els Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Well, I'm a female and I have more male friends than female. Also, I hate double standards. I guess that makes my opinion obvious.
Krytie TV Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I think it says that the person is either highly emotional for a man or is a "doormat" type. I had more female friends all through high school and college until I changed from the above type of guy to one with self-respect and boundaries.
pwnstigator Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Depends on age. Normal for a 15-year-old guy, especially if he's more interested in, say, the arts than in sports. It's very unusual for a heterosexual, single male older than 18.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I think it says that the person is either highly emotional for a man or is a "doormat" type Korrect ®
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 The person I'm particularly speaking of..well in lots of his pictures, there were mostly girls. I know he was just friends with them, and nothing else. He did have some male friends, but mostly looked like female. I think he can maybe relate to women better for some reason. does this really mean he might be gay? what is atypical male exactly? abnormal? Generally gay, effeminate, or an otherwise atypical male. What else would you like to know? I'll presume that you mean platonic female friends....
Krytie TV Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 No. Gay is a possibility but not the defining trait.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Yes, abnormal. I think a couple of LS ladies have called me that. Interesting how my PM box is full of missives from LS ladies. There must be something about anonymous and abnormal which is attractive Simply, the guy can relate to women on a non-sexual level. IOW, every look, every word, every interaction isn't imbued with the typical gender sexual tension. Women can feel relaxed with him. Share their inner feelings with him. Trust him. Feel safe with him. Like Kyrtie said above, highly emotional/doormat. He's very correct. By male standards, a man who relates well to women is a doormat, simply because he engages in behaviors and perspectives which most men shun. Again, *abnormal*. Is it unhealthy? Unknown. My life has generally been happy and I seem to be getting through my divorce OK (my entire life here has been either in MC or divorcing, so go read my posts), so maybe that abnormal mindset isn't so bad after all. I can get support from both female and male friends and network better and not sit alone crying in my beer (the bottle neck is too small anyway ). Your friend might be bisexual or gender ambiguous; IOW he might identify both as male and female. I went through a stage many years ago where I examined such feelings and thoughts. Hope that helps
boogieboy Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Not gay, if hes a good looking guy, these friends are girls that he either got with already, or girls that want to get with him. It keeps his options open. Typical heartbreaker type.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 Well, its not just seeing girls in a vast amount of his pictures. I recall him mentioning at least three times about gay guys "hitting on him". Is this a sign right there? Why would he even be telling me this? I know he isn't gay but now I'm pondering on whether he could be bisexual or just confused. I noticed he is into fragrances, such as candles, shampoos etc more so than the "typical" guy. I noticed he spent nearly $30 on these drawers, that had a large flower design on it. He likes flowers and plants, and he would sit the flowers on these drawers? Is this rather odd or what? The more I think of this, it does sound very feminine and a bit strange. OMG......
Ruby Slippers Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I agree with most of the above, and would add that some of these guys have had sex with some/most of these female "friends". Case in point: a guy I know was once telling me a story that started: "I was going down on this friend of mine once..." I interjected with: "Wow, she must have been a good friend."
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I was recently eating at a harborside restaurant with my best friend and his wife and the very gay waiter was touching my arm and refilling my glass every five minutes. Was he angling for a good tip? Perhaps. He was a good waiter and I did tip him well. Then, later, my best friend's wife tucks me into bed and gives me a goodnight kiss, as I was staying with them at their vacation place. Does she want to jump me? Am I that universally attractive? Hell no. I'm just a bald, somewhat overweight 50 year old who cares about people. Some people pick up on that. Like I said, abnormal BTW, I love to cook (from scratch) and I'm surrounded by my own botanical gardens, about 1/2 acre of them. I also have raced cars, built houses, and run a machine shop for a living. It's probably not a good idea to define people by a narrow range of descriptors. Again, atypical. A guy who likes such things as you describe is atypical. That doesn't mean he's not straight and doesn't want to blow the top of your head off in bed. Those are completely different things. Trust me
nobody's girl Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Well, I'm a female and I have more male friends than female. Also, I hate double standards. I guess that makes my opinion obvious. Ditto. And, although I'm straight, I've had people figure that I must be gay because of it. What can I say? I'm just one of the guys?
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 OK, define it a bit better. How many of those male friends are married?
New Again Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I absolutely 100% do not believe that men and women are ever "just friends." I don't think feelings will ever necessarily be ACTED upon - but one half of that "friendship" is attracted to the other half (or both are attracted to each other). I like guys that have a few good female friends, but it makes me feel like he relates to females at least on some level, or will sometimes be hearing the female perspective from someone he's not dating...but I probably wouldn't ever date a guy who had more girl friends than guy friends. He wouldn't be very attractive to me. I don't consider myself to be a psychotically jealous person, but I probably would be a little jealous in a situation like that. I also think it's a HUGE no-no for a guy to EVER tell his female "friends" about a problem he's having with his gf - that's like an invitation to the girl friend, and also puts her in a position to be against the gf. It should never happen.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I probably wouldn't ever date a guy who had more girl friends than guy friends. He wouldn't be very attractive to me. I would generally agree with this. OP, what do you think? IMO, it's not that he has more female than male friends, it's more the underlying psychology of why and how that psychology and your own, and that generally of most women, are incompatible, hence you have low attraction. I've often said that women like one thing and are attracted to another. I think that's healthy as long as they do I also think it's a HUGE no-no for a guy to EVER tell his female "friends" about a problem he's having with his gf - that's like an invitation to the girl friend, and also puts her in a position to be against the gf. It should never happen.I know, here on LS, we often talk about women using their male 'friends' as 'emotional tampons'. So, I'll assume that you'd agree that such behaviors are equally unhealthy, for both genders? My readings here on LS indicate to me an undertone that men are unable to control themselves sexually and/or emotionally so it's the woman's 'job' to do it for them and keep them out of vulnerable situations or suggest to them that it's unhealthy to engage in certain behaviors, whereas the woman feels confident to engage in exactly the same behaviors because she can 'control' herself. Interesting dynamic. OP, comment?
colosseum Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I have a friend like this and it just means he's getting friend-zoned ALL THE TIME. I hate it because he's such a good guy, how do I help him change?
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 By definition, being a friend requires repeated interaction and a modicum of interest. If the guy meets someone (even if he has known her superficially for awhile, but with no significant personal interaction), finds he likes her and asks her out, then he gets an answer. If he does not wish to associate with her other than date her, he accepts a negative response and proceeds no further. No interaction, no friendship, no friend-zone. Over, done and onto the next potential. Looking back, I did this many times over the years, but just forget about those occasions simply because I did the healthy thing. It's the unhealthy ones where I droned on and on in the friend-zone which stay permanently plastered to my forehead. Simply, they were poor choices I made.
AlektraClementine Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 My readings here on LS indicate to me an undertone that men are unable to control themselves sexually and/or emotionally so it's the woman's 'job' to do it for them and keep them out of vulnerable situations or suggest to them that it's unhealthy to engage in certain behaviors, whereas the woman feels confident to engage in exactly the same behaviors because she can 'control' herself. Interesting dynamic. OP, comment? Not the OP but I'll comment. I don't know if it's true for everyone but I'll share my own recent history. My fiance is like you Carhill....has a history of having more female friends than male. Some of his friendships, I'm totally cool with. Some I am absolutely NOT cool with. They stretch the lines and engage in behaviors that would not be put up with were the tables turned. It's been my job to point these instances out to him. He's understood and agreed and admitted that I've taught him a lot about being in a relationship. I, on the other hand, had one inappropriate friendship. I was able to stop it in it's tracks. Confront it and eliminate it without fiance ever noticing something was off. I've had to actually point out to him, the inappropriate nature of some of his relationships before he even thought to nip them in the bud.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 18, 2009 Author Posted July 18, 2009 I wonder if this guy does get friend-zoned often. It just dawned on me,maybe the reason he has a lot of girl friends, is they tried "dating" a few times, and the girl tells him she would just prefer to be friends. So, therefore he ends up with lots of girl "friends". I wonder why this would happen so frequently? I guess its possible he gives off some vibe, that becomes a turn-off towards the female. She then only sees him as someone she can be friends with. Maybe this is an indication he has too many feminine qualities, which is not appealing to a lot of girls. That goes back to the questioning of being gay or bisexual. Am I way off here? lol I have a friend like this and it just means he's getting friend-zoned ALL THE TIME. I hate it because he's such a good guy, how do I help him change?
AlektraClementine Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Don't know about all men, but my fiance is not gay or a doormat. He spent a lot of time with his mother during late childhood, pre-adolescence while his father worked 3rd shift. Subsequently, he was her sounding board and I think grew up with an uncanny sense of empathy when it comes to women. He's hasn't a misogynistic bone in his body and thus has less to talk about on "boy's night out".
New Again Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 I know, here on LS, we often talk about women using their male 'friends' as 'emotional tampons'. So, I'll assume that you'd agree that such behaviors are equally unhealthy, for both genders? I definitely think it goes both ways.
carhill Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 They stretch the lines and engage in behaviors that would not be put up with were the tables turned. It's been my job to point these instances out to him. He's understood and agreed and admitted that I've taught him a lot about being in a relationship.This is interesting. Since you were aware of the inappropriate behaviors (and I accept that you are defining inappropriate here), I'm assuming he was conducting them in front of you. Since apparently you are aware that he would have been appropriately concerned if you were doing the same thing, had the tables been turned, I'll assume you and he had talked about such things. With that assumed, I find it interesting how well he could compartmentalize those discussions, your apparent awareness and his apparent unawareness. Here's a good question about the rabbit hole. If he had a female friend and they never made sexual comments to each other and never talked about each other's relationships, how deeply could they share emotionally and you still feel healthy about it? Now, having answered that, wear that shoe yourself. Compare your answers and examine the dynamic. As an example for the 'share emotionally', let's say one of them just had a parent die and the other had recently lost their parents. They are sharing their sorrow and remembering all the great times they had growing up and how their parents were. Consoling each other's grief. This is where I think we get ourselves into trouble projecting generalities upon a gender, rather than examining each individual. I'm as guilty as anyone. Just read my posts. I also see the downside of promoting or repeating such generalities. I think each of us should define for ourselves the kind of friendships and relationships we are to have. Others are free to accept or decline being a part of that life. For the guy in the OP who has more female friends than male, that's his path, his psychology, his life. Is he happy and fulfilled? Are the friendships healthy? To me, that is the meat and potatoes, much more so than any armchair psycho-analyzing I might do. It's his path. Will he miss out on some people being in his life because of that path? No doubt. He will also have people in his life who love him and who might not have even met him if he hadn't chosen it. Many potentials, one very short life
AlektraClementine Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 This is interesting. Since you were aware of the inappropriate behaviors (and I accept that you are defining inappropriate here), I'm assuming he was conducting them in front of you. Since apparently you are aware that he would have been appropriately concerned if you were doing the same thing, had the tables been turned, I'll assume you and he had talked about such things. With that assumed, I find it interesting how well he could compartmentalize those discussions, your apparent awareness and his apparent unawareness. Here's a good question about the rabbit hole. If he had a female friend and they never made sexual comments to each other and never talked about each other's relationships, how deeply could they share emotionally and you still feel healthy about it? Now, having answered that, wear that shoe yourself. Compare your answers and examine the dynamic. Haha. Carhill, I usually have to read your posts twice to comprehend them. You are a wordy dude!! You are correct in all of your assumptions although the realizations and discussions took place over a loooooong time. I don't like for my guy to "share emotionally" with any woman but me. Perhaps, if his ego weren't so easily stroked by female connection, that wouldn't be the case. But because he has a "history" of some friendships crossing lines, I'm insecure about most of them. The females that do not "trip my wires", so to speak, are the ones who show an equal interest in me as they do him. I don't dig on the friendships I'm not included in. Never used to be so territorial. This happened after I met him. Strange?
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