aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It has been 3 weeks since I've seen/heard a word from the guy I was dating. I know that I would have got upset if he had talked to me and said it was over, but I also would have went to no contact immediately. In my situation, we had this argument, and he never talked to me since. I didn't know it was over for over a week until I luckily spoke to someone he knew. I'm hurt that it is over, but I think what I'm mostly hurt about is the way he handled this. He never told me it was over and gave his reasons. He never allowed me to talk to him and I had some things to say. I am regretting my response to finding out it is over, but I don't think its my fault because he never told me anything. He basically disappeared. It has left me with a bunch of questions flying through my head, I'm analyzing everything, what I could have done differently ect. I still don't know for sure why he decided he wants nothing more to do with me at this time. I don't know what to do. I've tried no contact, but gave in today and sent another message to him on myspace. I feel if he was mature enough, and considerate, he would at least send me an IM behind the computer. How difficult is that? From all my messages I've sent him in the last three weeks, he knows I really needed to talk to him about what has happened. My reaction to finding out its over was not that good. I sent him a lot of not so nice messages, but this is only because he disappeared and said nothing. I felt like a fool not knowing it was over. I feel after eight months of knowing me, he should have at least talked to me one last time. I feel hurt, and wondering if he ever really cared for me, or was it a lie. Why would a guy just ignore you after a fight, and never again talk to you about breaking up? What do you think about this? It's bugging me to death. I don't know how I can just let this go. I feel like I have to talk to him or I'll go insane, but its almost as if he's deliberately refusing. Like I said, how hard is it behind a COMPUTER. He has other options besides a phone. Anyways, I do realize its over now, and he doesn't really have an obligation to contact me, BUT considering he never said it was over or had the "breakup" conversation, I think I deserve at least a word from him. I wonder if he is EVER going to say anything. Its driving me up the wall. I'm trying to move on, but its so hard, and I'm so angry that he has handled the situation like this.
Angelo_28 Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 The cowards way out....I would march over to his place, pound on the door and demand an explanation...you desreve as much...then again that me, everyone here is telling me to NC my ex...its killing me...I miss her so much, but so what your heart tells you. -Angelo
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 The cowards way out....I would march over to his place, pound on the door and demand an explanation...you desreve as much...then again that me, everyone here is telling me to NC my ex...its killing me...I miss her so much, but so what your heart tells you. -Angelo Yeah, I guess I'm not the type to go to his house and demand anything. Plus he is an hour away. I would be afraid it would look psychotic. Well, here I am at 1am, and I doubt I will be asleep until 3am, like I have for the past week. The thoughts keep racing. I know if we had one last conversation, even if it was an argument, I would have felt better about this. I would have went right to NC, but its like he never contacted me PERIOD, so its so frustrating. The thing is, maybe some of the messages I sent(well I'm sure), did not help the situation, but I also sent ones apologizing for anything on my part, and said I was willing to improve my ways, but he had issues as well. I told him I loved him and all, and still nothing. I just don't get it. I have no choice but to think he doesn't care. I can't force a person to talk.
moo Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It doesn't sound like this person is interested in giving you closure. As I said before to someone else, sometimes you just don't get closure. You can go over there....so what if he thinks you are psychotic? I'm sure my ex thinks I am too from all the nasty letters I sent him. But in the end, the people who give you closure are the ones who are caring, mature, and sensitive enough to do so. I don't think you will get it with him. You have to find the closure within yourself. I will never have full closure from him, but at this point, I don't care as much as I used to...besides, if the guy is an a-hole, his attempt at closure just may mean telling you lies. You can find closure within yourself via here, self help books and therapy. A therapist will work with you on obtaining closure so you can move on. It's so weird, people can be mature enough to have sex, but not mature enough to talk. I really feel sorry for low lives who can not come down from the pedastal they put themselves to give their ex the answer he or she needs before going NC.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 All this talk of "closure" demands a reality check. There really is no such thing as closure. Yes, really. It's simply a way of wanting to get the last word. And what good is that? It's infantile. I'm sorry you're hurting, aloneanddepressed, and I'm not unsympathetic. But don't hold out for "closure" because it's a phantom, there really is no such thing.
Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i'm in the same situation, my ex basically ignored me until i went away and didn't have the balls to tell me straight. he avoided my questions and generally messed me around, leaving me in limbo for weeks. we'd been first loves and had been together 6 years, a long time. i'm not saying my situation is anymore painful than yours because of the time frame but in my case i'd expect that someone who knew me so well, for so long and had practically grown up with me could at least have the decency to tell me to my face what was wrong rather than just vanish and completely abandon me, particularly because i saw him as my best friend as well as my boyfriend. i can completely relate to your situation and how you feel about closure. the thing is in our cases, they may not have directly told us how they felt but their actions spoke louder than words- their actions told us they no longer wanted the relationships. i too hounded my ex with messages and questions because i felt needed answers or else i would go insane (you can read my initial boring posts on here and i the advice others replied to me with) but my ex would either just ignore my msgs or pretend he wasn't getting them and not answer his phone. in the end i took the hint and went NC. it's been 5months now. i still feel i would like to speak with him for closure, but deep down i know that he would only feed me a load of BS, he wouldn't be honest with me about the reasons, because he wasn't straight with me in the first place and is probably incapable of being adult and honest. people told me that after getting no response from him i just left, i didn't hound him or beat his door down or blow up his phone once i took the hint and so therefore apparently at least i've maintained some dignity. i believe you too should now go NC, you prob wouldn't get answers from your man either if he left you in such a cowardly way. i agree with another poster here that perhaps part of wanting 'closure' is just wanting to have to last say.. in my case part of me has so much that i never got to say to him, part of me just wants to explode at him and let him know how much he hurt me. but, as with you if you phone your ex, that is almost feeding their ego and showing them that you care. i have many things i need to get off my chest to my ex, and i feel i'm bottling it all up.. but i know it may fall on deaf ears anyway and then i will have revealed my true feeling to him and probably not receive closure anyway. apparently we make our own closure, their actions told us they weren't willing to give us answers/closure and i guess we just have to accept that and try to move on. with you it is early days- 3 weeks, i would go NC now. if you read some of my very first posts on here the replies i got were amazing, people stopped me from contacting my ex and i managed to get to 150 days NC (yes i'm sad and counted)... unfortunately i fell by the wayside recently. i still want answers/closure and i still want to have my say.. but deep down i know i won't get closure from him.. people tell me my time will come and that some day i will get my say, that he will call me or i will bump into him. i just hope by that stage i will actually feel indifferent and won't care about it anymore.
Thaddeus Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i still feel i would like to speak with him for closure, but deep down i know that he would only feed me a load of BS, he wouldn't be honest with me about the reasons, because he wasn't straight with me in the first place and is probably incapable of being adult and honest.Seriously... that's why one should never bother with this "closure" nonsense.i just hope by that stage i will actually feel indifferent and won't care about it anymore.That's the spirit! The best revenge is living well. Good luck to both of you.
adamt Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 How many dumpees really get closure. The dumpers feelings probably just changed over time for a number of reasons. Probably the dumper doesnt even know themselves. I dont think i will get proper reasons and its something you just have to learn to deal with and move on. Closure can only come from yourself, accepting it is over,letting go and time to move on
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 "How Many dumpees get closure"? I thought closure was at least telling the person it is over, and why. Well closure to me was telling me something to the effect like "you know I care about you, but I just can't do this anymore", and stating the reasons. He has had the option of sending me IM's, an email, myspace message as well as facebook. Hell, he doesn't even have to talk to me live or face to face! Of course, yes if he is a lier, he probably will just lie, so come to think of it what is the point. i wake up again today feeling upset. its not fair. he knows that I needed to talk to him and i'm feeling upset, and he is deliberately avoiding me. I personally admit, it would be hard to call someone up and say it is in fact over or tell them in person, but now days there are far better ways of communication to make this much more easier. i would say immature, insensitive, dishonest and disrespectful would sum up his character. grrrrr!!!!! when will these feelings pass!
adamt Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 But when you get dumped that is the sign to tell you it is over. in most cases it is the end. All the rest that goes with it is a distraction and people clinging onto the hope and not admitting to themselves it is over. If they are avoiding you then that is the sign it is over. they do not want to speak to you anymore and have moved on.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I guess it just feels a bit odd. He was like a really good friend to me, and not just a BF. We lived an hour away from each other, so we sometimes talked on the phone for hours and hours. We both agreed we probably talked more than most couples did that dated way longer than us. It just seems if we had such great communication, how can he be that type to just vanish without a word. It does make me mad that he gave up on the relationship, and I don't know if it was strictly because of our last argument, or was that just an excuse for him get out, like he had already checked himself out of relationship. That is what I want to know and its killing me. I guess , a part of me was hoping we could patch things up and try again. I just hate feeling like if you want to talk to someone, you can't. But when you get dumped that is the sign to tell you it is over. in most cases it is the end. All the rest that goes with it is a distraction and people clinging onto the hope and not admitting to themselves it is over. If they are avoiding you then that is the sign it is over. they do not want to speak to you anymore and have moved on.
red shoes Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm not thread-jacking but how many of you think that a dumper who doesn't provide the dumpee a closure is because the dumper is feeling guilty? The dumper just hopes the whole thing would just miraculously go away without them telling the dumpee it's over? I'm not saying the dumper is being responsible here but. Or am I going way off tangent?
Ronni_W Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 closure to me was telling me something to the effect like "you know I care about you, but I just can't do this anymore", and stating the reasons. Most often that is more like an "opener" than closure. Because the one who is being left will often use it as some type of opening to start crying and promising how s/he is going to change, things are going to be different, blah blah blah. Which, if the dumper actually WANTED to have that conversation, then s/he most definitely would have offered reasons, discussed ways to work things out, etc. From where we're sitting, the way your ex ended things was totally lacking compassion. But perhaps he realized that what he has to say to you will be more hurtful and damaging in the long-term, than him just not saying anything at all. Or, he is a dickhead and is sticking with the fact that he is not obligated to talk to you just because you need or want to talk to him. As others have said, "closure" really means acceptance that it's over -- the reasons may offer clues as to where we can improve how we do relationships, but they aren't critical for us to know, when it comes to our accepting, healing and moving forward. Hugs, and good healing.
adamt Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yeah, i wondered how my ex could vanish just like that and not contact me. it hurts like hell but its the best way to get over them. i've got loads of questions i wanted to ask. such as when did you start losing the feeling,what annoyed you..etc More than likely when they jsut disappear they have been thinking about leaving for a while. looking back my ex wass probably thinking about it for 2 months. These questions can drive you mad, but over time you learn to let go of them because it just wont fix anything. the only thing that can fix it is the ex coming back because they want to fix it. putting pressure on them just pushes them further away. There is no mulitple choice questionaire you can fill in that suddenly solves all issues. you have to work where the relationship went wrong on your own over time.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I didn't really think of it like that. Yes, maybe he knew I would bring up the conversation, of promising to change, and crying ect. He doesn't seem to be able to deal with confrontation anyways. He will walk away from fights or act like he can't deal with it period. In some of my messages, I did tell him that I was willing to change things on my part, and indicated I was upset. Its like I'm trying to provide my closure, but he won't even acknowledge it or that I'm still on the face of the earth. Let me get this straight, I apologized to him for my issues, and everything, and he says nothing. He contributed to problems in the relationship as well. It's not just my fault. I guess he doesn't think I deserve an apology or nothing. I tried to look at this, like he probably thinks it would be more hurtful, on his and my part to tell me what he thinks, but we haven't had any trouble in the past stating how we feel. Maybe he does feel guilty or knows he has done something wrong himself, and doesn't know what else to say. He did tell me after the argument, he would talk to me later. Maybe that was his way of breaking up? Regardless, I am left with not knowing for sure. Its called "email". Its not that hard. Ok, I'm going nuts. Most often that is more like an "opener" than closure. Because the one who is being left will often use it as some type of opening to start crying and promising how s/he is going to change, things are going to be different, blah blah blah. Which, if the dumper actually WANTED to have that conversation, then s/he most definitely would have offered reasons, discussed ways to work things out, etc. From where we're sitting, the way your ex ended things was totally lacking compassion. But perhaps he realized that what he has to say to you will be more hurtful and damaging in the long-term, than him just not saying anything at all. Or, he is a dickhead and is sticking with the fact that he is not obligated to talk to you just because you need or want to talk to him. As others have said, "closure" really means acceptance that it's over -- the reasons may offer clues as to where we can improve how we do relationships, but they aren't critical for us to know, when it comes to our accepting, healing and moving forward. Hugs, and good healing.
Ronni_W Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 think that a dumper who doesn't provide the dumpee a closure is because the dumper is feeling guilty? That presupposes that the dumper actually "owes" closure, which I don't believe to be the case. In any event, even if the dumper offers her/his truths, facts and fictions from her/his perspective, that still does not mean the dumpee will necessarily feel that things are satisfactorily resolved or "closed". In reality, the dumper does not HAVE the dumpee's closure even if s/he wanted to "provide" it. Dumpers need to find their comfort, guidance and support from people OTHER than the ex because that is no longer part of the ex's "job". The ex does not owe anything, and the dumpee is not entitled to anything from the ex. IMO.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 From the way you speak, I would almost assume that you were a "dumper"?I have dumped a few people before, and I spoke to them and told them why ect. It wasn't all that comfortable, but I did it. I guess I think its just common courtesy to say something to the dumpee, even if they don't agree on decision and all. That presupposes that the dumper actually "owes" closure, which I don't believe to be the case. In any event, even if the dumper offers her/his truths, facts and fictions from her/his perspective, that still does not mean the dumpee will necessarily feel that things are satisfactorily resolved or "closed". In reality, the dumper does not HAVE the dumpee's closure even if s/he wanted to "provide" it. Dumpers need to find their comfort, guidance and support from people OTHER than the ex because that is no longer part of the ex's "job". The ex does not owe anything, and the dumpee is not entitled to anything from the ex. IMO.
robinincarolina Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I guess I had the kind considerate type who gave me closure, civil conversation, but it has not lessened the pain.
Ronni_W Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I guess I think its just common courtesy to say something to the dumpee, even if they don't agree on decision and all. AaD, I 100% agree with you: it IS the humane, compassionate thing to do even though it can be uncomfortable/upsetting for one or both parties. My point was more that not everyone agrees with us, or they're not willing or able to handle it, or whatever -- but it's still not in the dumper's best interest to let what the dumpee does (or does not do) negatively impact her/his own healing process.
moo Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 When you date a selfish person, and they dump you...they want to take you, all the memories, all of your questions, all of your hurt and pain, and all of your tears and put them all in a neat box, tape the box up and walk away wiping their hands. I do think the dumper owes the dumpee answers to questions. This person, said "I love you. I want to be with you. etc., etc.," and then....It's over and starts ignoring you? That is disgusting. Yes, the dumpee has a right to be treated with compassion and respect. The dumpee can answer questions and then say..."I have to go NC"....you laid down with this person, you kissed this person, and shared (or pretended to share) your life with this person and the dumpee believe it all and believed in you. Yes, you owe the dumpee. You owe it to the dumpee to act like a human being, answer questions and talk before going NC. It's called being a grown up and if you can't be a grown up, then you had no business in the relationship in the first place.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 I would obviously agree more with your statement. I still can't believe he had an argument with me, and then never speaks to me again. I feel so strange about it. It's almost as if , he is pretending like you never existed. Just the other week, he says "i love you with all my heart ect", and I'm thinking, is this love to not even say bye or take care or SOMETHING to me after 8 months? I think after knowing someone a certain time, you owe that person a little closure. If the dumper cared anything about your feelings to begin with, why would they deliberately go out of their way to ignore you. I had even sent him an IM online, when I saw he was on, and got nothing back. It's such a weird thing. Now I get to sit around and wonder if he was lying the entire time and I was nothing to him, or was he just scared to confront me? People amaze me. When you date a selfish person, and they dump you...they want to take you, all the memories, all of your questions, all of your hurt and pain, and all of your tears and put them all in a neat box, tape the box up and walk away wiping their hands. I do think the dumper owes the dumpee answers to questions. This person, said "I love you. I want to be with you. etc., etc.," and then....It's over and starts ignoring you? That is disgusting. Yes, the dumpee has a right to be treated with compassion and respect. The dumpee can answer questions and then say..."I have to go NC"....you laid down with this person, you kissed this person, and shared (or pretended to share) your life with this person and the dumpee believe it all and believed in you. Yes, you owe the dumpee. You owe it to the dumpee to act like a human being, answer questions and talk before going NC. It's called being a grown up and if you can't be a grown up, then you had no business in the relationship in the first place.
sandy12345678993 Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Read my other posts. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191043/ Almost the same thing happened to me. There was no fight though. My ex-boyfriend texted me about a break but promised that he was going to come back and be with me again. He said he would call tomorrow. That was almost 3 months ago. I never heard anything from him again. I only found out that we were really through a month after when I tried to call and found out that his number was no longer working. Talk about cold and cruel. We were long distance and didn't have any mutual friends. So I had no way to even find out what had happened. I checked obituaries to make sure he wasn't dead. I sent him a letter to his parents house to no response. I stopped short of actually calling his parents. I thought that was probably unnecessary and counterproductive and probably would have made me look like a real crazy bitch. I completely understand what you are going through. The pain was unbearable at times. I didn't know that people would claim to love you so much and then abandon you with no explanation and no remorse. He told me a few times that he was afraid that I was going to leave him. I wouldn't have done that to him. I thought if I loved him completely and protected his heart that in turn he would protect mine, but he didn't. He left me broken and alone with so many questions and no answers. I'm so much better now than I was. So it will get better. My closure started when I finally chalked everything up to his personal demons. He must have had issues and problems that he felt he just couldn't share with me. Stuff he couldn't talk to me about, either because he was afraid or hurt or angry or something. Those were his problems, not mine. Did I contribute to the breakup? Maybe, but that's not something I'm really ever going to know. I have my own relationship problems that I think I'm dealing with now. They came to light most likely because of the split. It's a bittersweet closure because I wish I could've helped him more, but he didn't let me. I wish he would have talked to me. I'm working towards accepting things as they are, and not what I want them to be. HOWEVER.................................... This was a post Ingenue left in another similar thread. I wholeheartedly agree with it. Quote by Ingenue: (Is he telling the truth or really a coward? Thread) "It is my firm belief that any person has the obligation to break-up with a partner in a responsible and dignified way. It's a reflection of common courtesy and basic civility. Break-ups happen all the time. Relationships run their course, individuals no longer love each other; that's just life. The true measure of a human being is his/her conduct in moments of distress and turmoil. A break-up should be and is a participatory experience for both parties, no matter how unpleasant. Unless the dumper is in grave physical danger, a break-up should always be in person, not through email, text message, social network site, telephone call or dear John letter. Questions need answering, explanations need to be given. If the dumper saw fit to date the dumpee, s/he should see fit to break up with the dumpee in a way that isn't purely selfish and callous." I also agree with everythihg Moo had to say above. If you aren't mature enough to break up with someone in person and deal with the other person and their feelings and emotions, then you aren't mature enough to be in a relationship. Spare us the heartache.
babsluvsyou Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 My bf did this exact same thing to me. I'm a wreck! Cried for four days...he madly loved me Saturday. last saturday. And sunday he clammed up.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 17, 2009 Author Posted July 17, 2009 I didn't read all your previous posts, but just from reading a little bit of it, it does seem quite similar. My BF said something like he would talk to me later and then never heard another thing. I still can not believe he still hasn't said a word to me since in these three weeks. He's online a lot, so what is so hard about IM'ing a person. It hurts because, I think a nice person might say something like this" well, i'm sorry things ended like this, but hope you are ok", or "you know i care about you, but I can't do this anymore", plus the reason. As i mentioned in another post, I'm beginning to think he broke up with me because he felt he wasn't good enough for me. I started to feel sorry for him, but then it hits me again. WHO CARES what the reason....he could say something, is he is even human?! lol.. He knew me for eight months. I'm not just one of those girls, a guy knows for a week and then they don't call back. I would hope to think I wasn't just some girl, as I feel that way right now since he never had closure of any sort. I deserve more respect than that. He surely has some feelings left for me. I think the reason I started to wonder if he was dishonest, is because most guys who just never tell you anything and leave you hanging, are those who are up to know good or have something to hide. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Read my other posts. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191043/ Almost the same thing happened to me. There was no fight though. My ex-boyfriend texted me about a break but promised that he was going to come back and be with me again. He said he would call tomorrow. That was almost 3 months ago. I never heard anything from him again. I only found out that we were really through a month after when I tried to call and found out that his number was no longer working. Talk about cold and cruel. We were long distance and didn't have any mutual friends. So I had no way to even find out what had happened. I checked obituaries to make sure he wasn't dead. I sent him a letter to his parents house to no response. I stopped short of actually calling his parents. I thought that was probably unnecessary and counterproductive and probably would have made me look like a real crazy bitch. I completely understand what you are going through. The pain was unbearable at times. I didn't know that people would claim to love you so much and then abandon you with no explanation and no remorse. He told me a few times that he was afraid that I was going to leave him. I wouldn't have done that to him. I thought if I loved him completely and protected his heart that in turn he would protect mine, but he didn't. He left me broken and alone with so many questions and no answers. I'm so much better now than I was. So it will get better. My closure started when I finally chalked everything up to his personal demons. He must have had issues and problems that he felt he just couldn't share with me. Stuff he couldn't talk to me about, either because he was afraid or hurt or angry or something. Those were his problems, not mine. Did I contribute to the breakup? Maybe, but that's not something I'm really ever going to know. I have my own relationship problems that I think I'm dealing with now. They came to light most likely because of the split. It's a bittersweet closure because I wish I could've helped him more, but he didn't let me. I wish he would have talked to me. I'm working towards accepting things as they are, and not what I want them to be. HOWEVER.................................... This was a post Ingenue left in another similar thread. I wholeheartedly agree with it. Quote by Ingenue: (Is he telling the truth or really a coward? Thread) "It is my firm belief that any person has the obligation to break-up with a partner in a responsible and dignified way. It's a reflection of common courtesy and basic civility. Break-ups happen all the time. Relationships run their course, individuals no longer love each other; that's just life. The true measure of a human being is his/her conduct in moments of distress and turmoil. A break-up should be and is a participatory experience for both parties, no matter how unpleasant. Unless the dumper is in grave physical danger, a break-up should always be in person, not through email, text message, social network site, telephone call or dear John letter. Questions need answering, explanations need to be given. If the dumper saw fit to date the dumpee, s/he should see fit to break up with the dumpee in a way that isn't purely selfish and callous." I also agree with everythihg Moo had to say above. If you aren't mature enough to break up with someone in person and deal with the other person and their feelings and emotions, then you aren't mature enough to be in a relationship. Spare us the heartache.
Recommended Posts