dxb Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Ok, here's the deal. I've been with my girlfriend for the last two years and it's been the absolute definition of a whirlwind romance. Within a month we were practically living together and then after a less than a year we dropped everything and moved to another country, which is where we are now. I absolutely adore everything about this girl and I know that she loves/loved me just as much. But here's my problem. I'm a dick. In the two years we've been together I've developed a nasty habit of every six months throwing down ultimatums on the relationship - basically I have dumped and broken this woman's heart so many times since we've been together. We've been going through another rocky patch since I did this AGAIN and this time it's been different. She started to get very distant, barely talking to me. She suddenly took a massive interest in her personal appearance and went to the gym frequently. She started buying new clothes. She started buying false nails. She also started getting really secretive about her phone. And then she asked it if was ok if she went to a friend's slumber party. I have severe jealousy issues which I've been trying my best to work through and so I said it was ok - although secretly I wasn't 100% happy and already had alarm bells going off, given her recent behaviour and our situation. To my shame, once she'd gone out, I logged into her email. Yes, this relationship had severe trust issues. But then it seemed like I actually had a reason to have them. There was a message in there, from her best friend, asking my girlfriend if she had her plan for Saturday all worked out, that she should be careful, tell someone where she was going, and that she hoped she had a really good banging and wanted to hear all the news on Sunday. Doesn't sound like a slumber party with friends, or at least one I'd be happy with, does it? So I called her. No answer on her phone. No answer on her phone for hours. Eventually she calls at 8pm and says she'll be home soon and that everyone is supposed to be too tired for the slumber party. I asked her where she's been. What she didn't know is that the tolling system here tracks where your car goes and you can see where people have gone during the day. She hadn't been to where she said she'd been, that's for sure. So she came home and I held onto the thought that perhaps she'd changed her mind and decided not to go through with what she appears to have planned. But then she was still secretive with the phone. And then I thought, if she'd planned all this - my god, she must really want to get shot of me! So I confronted her with my concerns, minus the email reading part - that's a relationship nuke if ever there was one. I asked her if there was anything I needed to know and she said there wasn't. I never accused her outright of cheating. But after I'd done that, she'd changed her phone story. Firstly I could call her because 'the phone wasn't working properly' , now it was because 'she didn't want to speak to me on that day because she wanted a day to herself'. And that's when I realised that all the trust I had in this beautiful, amazing woman had gone and so I finished it. And I don't want to break her heart anymore, I've done it too many times so I can never go back. My question is simple - given that I've lost all trust in her, hurt her so much so often and have reason to believe she might have been cheating on me (which I can't prove), but absolutely know in my heart that she was and is 'the one' more than I've ever been sure about anything - was I right to break her heart (and mine) for this one last time?
Lyssa Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 was I right to break her heart (and mine) for this one last time? The right thing you did was to end a relationship that had no trust basis. Looking back, I'm pretty sure you'd agree that it wasn't a healthy relationship.
Olylama Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Wow great to read your story man. I told my partner i read her e mail and hacked her facebook. She spun out trying to remember everything she said to her friends. she was seriously caught out though. I didn't feel like it was that wrong reading her personal messages as it was justified by me finding out what was really going on. I think actually knowing the truth is always the best way to go. They say all is fair in love, forget the war bit.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Wow, you may have been a jerk but that isn't a get away free card for being cheated on. Glad you dumped this idiot. And her friends are garbage, too.
nastyapple Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I know it is wrong to invade someone's privacy by looking through their personal emails and stuff without permission, but sometimes it's neccessary. You wouldn't have found out about her 'slumber party' otherwise. If it were me, and I wanted to salvage the relationship I would just be honest and own up to reading the messages and everything I've thought/felt, in the hope she'd be honest back, and you could learn to trust each other again. That's just my 2 pennies worth.
mark982 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 you caught her this time. how many more don't you know about. as someone who's been cheated on before,i don't give a inch when it comes to cheating,wether emotional or physical. she boinked another guy---goodbye. she can lie all she wants,but the facts are the facts.
fani Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 First, I LOVE that you can admit that you were a dick, that you hurt her and you know you did, I think that is a very good thing that you can admit that. I guess it is good that you have ended it if you think she is cheating, but are you sure it is going to be once and for all? You said yourself every now and then you break up with her, and then get her back again, is this going to end up like that again? I think you should first work this out, and, should try and get answers from her anyway. If she did really cheat, n it does sound planned out rather than a drunken thing (I am not conding either of these!) then she must have a reaon why, and you deserve to know it.
Author dxb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks for everyone's inputs. One of the major reasons I think she did this is precisely I've split with her so often she's been left feeling insecure. To my shame, I logged in again. The original message has now been deleted and she's sent messages to two of her friends saying her head's now all over the place. I've not explicitly seen a message saying she actually slept with him but it's beyond all doubt now from some of the things she said. I'm guessing that she did it because she wanted to see if she still felt anything for me after all I've put her through, but the WHY doesn't really matter anymore. I don't deserve this and there is no chance I am taking her back. I think she probably regards this as slightly normal to do this - her last two boyfriends cheated on her (so she cheated on them in 'revenge') and her friends come in the variety of bedhopper or back-up - for instance, one of her friends split up with her boyfriend of nine years. She dates other guys, then pops back every now and again. That's not a relationship I want and I am not going to be that guy. In the end, I've split up with her before over lesser things than this. But now I can't ever trust her. You can't have a relationship without trust. As a result I've shifted how I feel about the break. Obviously I am still absolutely devastated but I don't look on it now as me breaking her heart - she's broken mine. I just wish she had the decency to finish with me first before doing this. If she was unhappy I couldn't fault her for wanting 'out', but this is really not the way to do this. What upsets me the most is I've given her the opportunity come clean. I've asked if there's anything I should know about. Apparently we have very different opinions on whether sleeping with someone else is something I should know about. It hurts to know that she doesn't have the respect or decency to even admit she did anything wrong, even after it's all over and there's nothing left for either of us to lose. It's pretty cold and lonely up here on the moral high ground, but at least the view's a bit better.
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