WhyYesThankYou Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Following last week's phone call and text message from him ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192793/ ), to which I never responded (yay me! and thanks guys for your support), tonight he emailed me. I knew this was coming. He wants to meet with me. He needs closure. He needs to say some things and ask some things. This will make things easier for him. This will help him move on. him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him him Well I am DONE with being your mirror, you f***ing narcissist. Just buy yourself some more lotion for those lonely nights with your hand, because that's going to be the only lover who can ever satisfy you. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! I'm so annoyed with these intrusions into my life!! I'm moving on, and then *ping* an email or *beep* a text. But none of this means I don't still miss some of the good things. And that I don't have some thoughts like, "Well, maybe if we talked about things..." No!! No no no no no..... Right?
asuman Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Correct. This is all about him. It would satisfy his ego to drag this situation on for months at a time, at the expense of your emotional peace. The choice of whether to let him do that or not, is yours.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Very concisely put. Thank you. Yes, he would like very much for me to respond every time he "pings" me, so he knows he's still on my mind. I choose not to give him the satisfaction. I choose to move on, rather than wallowing in an endless quagmire of analyzing why things didn't work out for us to be together.
jlr Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I hear you. I hate those *pings*. It's like right when I start to deal with the fact that I have to move on.... BAM! Then I feel like I'm right back in it all.
Beeotch Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This sounds like my ex...he too has narcissistic traits and is self-absorbed. Don't give him the time of day! Until he actually says something that is not centered around him and his feelings, unless he apologizes or something that shows he cares about someone besides himself...continue ignoring him.
kizik Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You are correct, WYTY. I have been reading a lot about narcissists lately, and here is something you need to understand - they are unwilling, and incapable anyway, of feeling any sympathy for anyone but themselves. So of COURSE it's all about him. As Beeotch says, ignore him. Understand this, too: the person you love never even existed. Malignant narcissists are excellent chameleons and will put on false images as a way to attract people. Even worse: he's never going to understand, or apologize for, the things he did. The only reason I say these things so blatantly is because I felt I had a breakthrough yesterday. My ex dumped me over a year ago. In the last few months, I haven't thought about her much. But then I discovered this site: http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ and the author is so good at describing exactly what I went through as a BF to this awful, monstrous, selfish person. You know, my breakup wasn't just any breakup, and it sounds like yours wasn't either. These people have taken our very foundation out from under us. Now - I am not pretending to be innocent. I allowed it to happen. How so? Silence, complacency, inaction, fear of losing the supposedly "best thing in my life." The best thing in my life was awful. I was allowing myself to be humiliated, demeaned, and embarrassed, just so I could get laid and have someone to call my own. What an awfui life. So much happier now - single. Please do go to that site. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/ -Josh
sedgwick Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 First: that post cracked me up and I totally love you. Second: why haven't you blocked him from your phone/email yet?
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 First: that post cracked me up and I totally love you. Awwwww...... It's nice to be loved. I love you, too. Second: why haven't you blocked him from your phone/email yet? I haven't blocked him because: I really didn't think it would be necessary. I thought after we broke up and he made it really clear that he didn't want to have any further contact with me until I "fixed myself" [seriously, that's what he said!], he wouldn't be calling/emailing me.While I technically could divert all his emails to my trash, I don't think I can block his number from my phone (I don't live in the US and I don't think we can block numbers here).Sadly, part of me doesn't want to, because although I resent the intrusions, it is still nice to know he thinks of me. Even though his "thinking of me" is probably almost entirely in the sense of, "WHAT?! There's a woman on this planet who fails to worship me with every fiber of her being?! I will not rest until she is back under my spell!!!!!!" I am working on not caring if he thinks about me or not. In the meantime, though, the *pings* are a combination of annoying and ego-boosting. [how embarrassing to admit it! ] Kizik - thank you for your reply and for the blogsite. I will have a look. Yes, you're right - there's something fundamentally disorienting about being with someone like this. Totally get the "best/worst thing in my life" dichotomy. Totally.
jasminetea Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I haven't blocked him because: While I technically could divert all his emails to my trash, I don't think I can block his number from my phone (I don't live in the US and I don't think we can block numbers here). Yes, you can. If you give me the make of your phone, I can give you the instructions on how to do it. That is, when the following is no longer true for you. Sadly, part of me doesn't want to, because although I resent the intrusions, it is still nice to know he thinks of me. Even though his "thinking of me" is probably almost entirely in the sense of, "WHAT?! There's a woman on this planet who fails to worship me with every fiber of her being?! I will not rest until she is back under my spell!!!!!!" I am working on not caring if he thinks about me or not. In the meantime, though, the *pings* are a combination of annoying and ego-boosting. [how embarrassing to admit it! ]
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Yes, you can. If you give me the make of your phone, I can give you the instructions on how to do it. Thanks, but he called me on my landline. And I don't have Caller ID. (It's all very retro, I know!) Your screenname has triggered an intense craving for tea... I'm off to brew a cup now...
jasminetea Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Oh you can still block calls from certain numbers and from numbers that are withheld. You could always change your landline number too
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Mmm, I'm sure it's possible, but in addition to my previous reason, I don't feel like I should have to block his number, you know? He should just... stop calling. I certainly don't want to have to go to the trouble of changing my number just because of some guy. If the calls got to be a real nuisance or were frequent, I'd take steps to have his number blocked or something. But it's not at that stage yet. It's just at the "Grr, I can't believe that happened! I'll post something on LS and then feel better" stage. And it works. It's amazing how validation from anonymous strangers can help. You know, I can't call up my friends every time there's a ping and go, "Guess what, ____ just texted me, and I didn't reply! Aren't I awesome?" Because they'd get tired of that really quickly. It's nice to get on here and find people in a similar mindspace.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Second: why haven't you blocked him from your phone/email yet? Yes! That is what I was thinking! Thanks, but he called me on my landline. And I don't have Caller ID. (It's all very retro, I know!) Block him and block him and block him. If he is a true narcissist as you say then it isn't about your response or lack thereof -- it is just about him getting to say what he wants to say at any moment. Don't give him that satisfaction anymore and don't suffer these set backs as much as you say you enjoy that he is thinking of you. Just shut it all down and move on completely. He doesn't even deserve the instantaneous thought that a call sparks from you - or the moments it takes to read any e-mail or text message. Just cut him off and out of your life.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 If he is a true narcissist as you say then it isn't about your response or lack thereof -- it is just about him getting to say what he wants to say at any moment. Hmmmm, I hadn't thought about it that way. I'd been thinking his goal was to get a response from me. But you're right, it might also be just to say what he wants to, to expose me to his thoughts. Don't give him that satisfaction anymore and don't suffer these set backs as much as you say you enjoy that he is thinking of you. Just shut it all down and move on completely. This is also true. I guess I'd thought how I handled his calls/texts would serve as a way to gauge how I'm doing - as in, if he calls and I can hang up and not care, then I'm doing better. But the flipside of that is that all that progress I make does get shaken a bit when I hear from him and start thinking about him. So perhaps it would be better just to cut him off. The additional thing is that regardless of whether I block his calls or just continue to ignore him, I suspect that this will escalate until he shows up on my door some day. I'm starting to think restraining order. He hasn't really done anything to "warrant" it - nothing overtly threatening. Do you see what I mean? If I don't respond to his texts/calls/emails, but he persists with them anyway, I don't get the sense that blocking things will necessarily stop him from trying to contact me. I also have a bit of a defeatist attitude about this whole "trying to get someone to stop contacting me" thing because I am STILL getting messages from a guy I dumped in 1995. Yes, that's 14 years ago. Am now on the other side of the world with an unlisted number, and he still finds ways to track me down. Even sends messages to 3rd parties (i.e. my employer) to pass on to me. I try to just shrug it off. Have considered getting a restraining order but don't know if that would just excite him, knowing I still feel that strongly after all this time.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 This is also true. I guess I'd thought how I handled his calls/texts would serve as a way to gauge how I'm doing - as in, if he calls and I can hang up and not care, then I'm doing better. Being a narcissist it would never be about you or how you are doing, would it? But the flipside of that is that all that progress I make does get shaken a bit when I hear from him and start thinking about him. So perhaps it would be better just to cut him off. I hope you see the light on this one. Clearly you do get rattled and it takes you down a few pegs when he contacts. So why put yourself through that and then have to work to get back to the place where you were? What good does that do you? The additional thing is that regardless of whether I block his calls or just continue to ignore him, I suspect that this will escalate until he shows up on my door some day. If that happens then you move on to the restraining order. Don't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Worry about that if the time comes. I'm starting to think restraining order. He hasn't really done anything to "warrant" it - nothing overtly threatening. Do you see what I mean? If I don't respond to his texts/calls/emails, but he persists with them anyway, I don't get the sense that blocking things will necessarily stop him from trying to contact me. Of course he continues. He still gets to say what he wants when he wants. That is his goal. I also have a bit of a defeatist attitude about this whole "trying to get someone to stop contacting me" thing because I am STILL getting messages from a guy I dumped in 1995. Yes, that's 14 years ago. Am now on the other side of the world with an unlisted number, and he still finds ways to track me down. Even sends messages to 3rd parties (i.e. my employer) to pass on to me. I try to just shrug it off. Have considered getting a restraining order but don't know if that would just excite him, knowing I still feel that strongly after all this time. I have had 3 of those! Generally mine haven't persisted. They just pop up from time to time. Every few years or so. Ain't "love" grand!
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 FIX yourself?! WTF is that about? Exactly. I know I'm not perfect, and there are things I'm working on improving about myself (same as most people, I guess). It was that sort of attitude that I finally woke up to, though, which is why I broke up with him. It was always *me* who had the problem. Any difficulty between us, any argument, was always my fault. I was always the one who was supposed to change. According to him. And so, I did. I changed from a girl with a narcissistic, condescending boyfriend, into a girl without one. I don't think that's how he wanted me to change, but his idea - my being a spineless, mindless worshipper at his feet - wasn't as palatable to me.
Serena2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Reading this thread is the only thing that has made me laugh out loud in a week!! I love your quote about the "hand being the only lover that can satisfy him." Plus, your quote: "WHAT?! There's a woman on the planet who fails to worship me with every fiber of her being?! I will not rest until she is back under my spell!!!!!!" I'll bet there's more truth to this than you may believe. I suspect that he's used to dealing with women who aren't as saavy as you in figuring out his true character. Thank God you figured it out now!! Stay strong!! There is power in NC. You're bright, intelligent, witty and charming and you deserve much better!!
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 You're bright, intelligent, witty and charming and you deserve much better!! Thank you... These words of yours mean a lot to me - and your timing could not have been better.
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