Quest Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Just started thread asking for help on coping with silence and get an email from Mr M, all lovey dovey, asking why I've not been in touch and that whatever it is I need to speak to him about it. No mention of actually seeing me or anything, just that. Says he can't understand why one minute we're buying furniture, the next nothing from me. But the furniture buying was done skulking around because I am a secret ... and he hasn't made time for me in his final week here. Plus he was quite mean to me and there are the other women he has time for and who don't know about me ... does he really not understand that this has all finally got to me? What do I do?
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 YOU IGNORE HIM COMPLETELY. If it's getting to you, you have to start protecting yourself and shutting him off, and closing yourself down. Do not respond, and let him do the guessing. It doesn't matter what conclusions he comes to. That's his problem. Your priorities are to disengage and protect yourself.
loveslife Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Quest, I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to figure out how to respond to people in similar situations, how to get the upper hand or figure them out. It's become really clear to me that the best way to deal with someone like this is to put them on ignore (in your life). You'll probably struggle with the rudeness aspect but I honestly think it's healthiest. People like him count on people like you and me being too nice to just ignore them. And you have to put it to a stop.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 People like him count on people like you and me being too nice to just ignore them. And you have to put it to a stop. Couldn't have said it any better. Your silence will speak volumes more than your words would at this point.
dreamergrl Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Just started thread asking for help on coping with silence and get an email from Mr M, all lovey dovey, asking why I've not been in touch and that whatever it is I need to speak to him about it. No mention of actually seeing me or anything, just that. Says he can't understand why one minute we're buying furniture, the next nothing from me. But the furniture buying was done skulking around because I am a secret ... and he hasn't made time for me in his final week here. Plus he was quite mean to me and there are the other women he has time for and who don't know about me ... does he really not understand that this has all finally got to me? What do I do? Yes he does, but he doesn't want to be the one taking steps back. I wants to be in control. He'll play it however he wishes to, in order to hold the cards.
Author Quest Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Quest, I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to figure out how to respond to people in similar situations, how to get the upper hand or figure them out. It's become really clear to me that the best way to deal with someone like this is to put them on ignore (in your life). You'll probably struggle with the rudeness aspect but I honestly think it's healthiest. People like him count on people like you and me being too nice to just ignore them. And you have to put it to a stop. That's been my experience too. It just seems wrong not to reply to something, and rude, especially if it's reasonably put. But I'm going to try!
Author Quest Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 But what if he really doesn't know what's wrong? He's asking me to tell him. The reason I don't want to is because I think he SHOULD know. Also, I feel he should be wanting to see me and talk to me but all he does is send an email pleading ignorance. Meanwhile, I presume he's just carrying on not seeing me and doing what he wants. This is why I am so fed up in the first place .......
hoping2heal Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 That's been my experience too. It just seems wrong not to reply to something, and rude, especially if it's reasonably put. But I'm going to try! For real? This guy was a total dickhead to you, to the point it's pushed you past your limit. Suddenly because he's nice in an e-mail, you now think it would be rude of YOU to not accomodate him? Don't allow people to treat your poorly so easily OP. You have nothing to feel guilty for, if someone treats you with inconsideration and disrespect, being nice to you in an e-mail doesn't cut the grease. He's nice now, but he isn't going to keep that up once you're back in the net.
dressing up Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Quest, I worry when you ask what-if questions or feeling bad for not replying or telling him in case he doesn't get it. No, he gets it. The only thing you need to do now is to go NC. Like one poster said, that speaks louder than you trying to think of what to say. I really hope you not talk to him because it'll be all down the slippery slope if you do. If you want to write or say anything to him, do it on this forum and imagine people here as him. You'll be safer that way.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 But what if he really doesn't know what's wrong? He's asking me to tell him. The reason I don't want to is because I think he SHOULD know. Also, I feel he should be wanting to see me and talk to me but all he does is send an email pleading ignorance. Meanwhile, I presume he's just carrying on not seeing me and doing what he wants. This is why I am so fed up in the first place ....... Your question assumes that he cares about anybody but himself. That assumption hasn't exactly served you in the past.
Author Quest Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Thanks folks. It was just that his email asks what's happened, as if he doesn't know. And I suppose as we didn't row but parted on okay terms (me uneasy though) I was starting to think I wasn't being fair. The email irritates me though because he could surely lift up the phone and ask to speak to me if he really wanted. All this does is put everything back on to me ... as if he has no clue what's up ...... suppose I thought maybe he doesn't, partly because I've put up with a lot (the secrecy etc) until now ... Does that make sense?
loveslife Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Thanks folks. It was just that his email asks what's happened, as if he doesn't know. And I suppose as we didn't row but parted on okay terms (me uneasy though) I was starting to think I wasn't being fair. The email irritates me though because he could surely lift up the phone and ask to speak to me if he really wanted. All this does is put everything back on to me ... as if he has no clue what's up ...... suppose I thought maybe he doesn't, partly because I've put up with a lot (the secrecy etc) until now ... Does that make sense? If it'll make you feel better, email him and say something like, "What's wrong is I've reached my limit with the secrecy and disrespect. I want a relationship with someone who makes me feel good. Sadly, that's not you. I think it would be best for me if you didn't contact me so I can have the best chance to find that person. I need to move on." Then work on moving on!
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Loveslife gives great advice always, but in this case (with deepest respect) I would disagree. I wouldn't bother replying even though you're dying to. That's the civil, courteous and generous side of you. Big side, too. You know, the sidfe he's always trodden on. As well as any other side you have! The best thing you could do, (IMHO) is to reply as loveslife has suggested. Then instead of 'sending' - delete your reply. And then delete his e-mail. Then block any more e-mails from him coming in. You need to start being a bit more assertive for yourself. Surprise him. Act against habit.....
loveslife Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Loveslife gives great advice always, but in this case (with deepest respect) I would disagree. I wouldn't bother replying even though you're dying to. That's the civil, courteous and generous side of you. Big side, too. You know, the sidfe he's always trodden on. As well as any other side you have! The best thing you could do, (IMHO) is to reply as loveslife has suggested. Then instead of 'sending' - delete your reply. And then delete his e-mail. Then block any more e-mails from him coming in. You need to start being a bit more assertive for yourself. Surprise him. Act against habit..... Hey TaraMaiden, You're so sweet! Thanks for the nice compliment and no disrespect taken. I totally agree with your advice, I just think Quest might torture herself until/unless she does say something. So I wanted to give her something to say that he can't argue with. That makes it all about her and there's really nothing he can say to dispute her really, because it's about how SHE feels, not his actions specifically. Ideally, I think she should take your advice though.
Author Quest Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Hey TaraMaiden, You're so sweet! Thanks for the nice compliment and no disrespect taken. I totally agree with your advice, I just think Quest might torture herself until/unless she does say something. So I wanted to give her something to say that he can't argue with. That makes it all about her and there's really nothing he can say to dispute her really, because it's about how SHE feels, not his actions specifically. Ideally, I think she should take your advice though. Thank you guys:) I'm going for the 'ideal' option and acting against habit. So far so good - although I do agonise from time to time! The disregard hurts like hell but trying to keep busy and move on.
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