Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

[murphomatic]

Apologies in advance for the novel I've written here. Although I promise my writing style is decent and fairly easy to read through.

 

So I've been dating this gal for a few months now... and things started off very, VERY good. She's intelligent and pretty, and can be very sweet and thoughtful towards me. In turn, I'm an affectionate, giving, and kind person and try to always be thoughtful to best of my ability.

 

We all know how the initial infatuation phase of the relationship goes ... everyone shows their best stuff and bites their tongue. Now that we're becoming more comfortable with each other, we're starting to become less reticent about showing our cards and/or our negative personality traits.

 

I'm starting to see exactly how short her fuse is. She is snappish and assumptive (and usually wrong in the latter - as most assumptions tend to be - but it still doesn't stop her for biting my head off if she finds her assumption to be distasteful). We spoke the other night about how we communicate poorly. I'm really not an A-type personality, but when someone snaps at me, and particularly when I find that I'm being snapped at for something I see as completely trite, I'm immediately on the defensive and tend to snap back (common issue with me - I tend to communicate with people by attempting to match the style by which they communicate with me). She has a problem with how I tend to "smolder" over issues and it takes hours and sometimes days (depending on the degree of hurt) for me to stop feeling negative over something, and she wished that the moment I felt hurt, that I would bring this up and communicate it with her in a non-offensive way. She said that the snapping back and smoldering emotional response has to stop. I offered to work on that if she would work on lengthening her fuse with me. She declined, and I stated that this would not be an issue we could compromise on then. On the flip side, she is always very quick to get over whatever issue is bothering her - usually in a matter of minutes... but it still doesn't change the fact that she feels she has free license to chew on me for any given reason. She also tends to be very judgemental, sarcastic, and critical of others and it seems that I'm expected to understand and appreciate this kind of behavior, but not engage in it myself. She will be critical of certain aspects of me personally (word choice, home decor, sense of humor, etc), but if I'm critical of her (I once made what I thought was "a funny" about her choice of mainstream media), she sees it as me attempting to pick a fight with her. I rarely say anything that could be construed as criticism being directed towards her - you might say I walk on eggshells and try to be very careful about how I phrase things around her, lest she explode.

 

Here's a small example of something that occurred lastnight that I still feel very slightly peeved over. She's cooking dinner, and has realized that she's short a few required grocery items. I offer to run up to the store and retrieve them. I do this, and upon returning find that she's missing yet another item (breading for the chicken she's planning to fry). Again, I offer to bounce up to the store (it's only 2 blocks away) and fetch it.. she says no - that we'll just have to forge ahead without it. A few moments pass, and I ask her "so what would you like to do with the chicken?", and her response is a very terse and snappish "Gee - I guess I'll just figure it out." It was spoken in a fairly hostile, heavily laden with sarcasm kind of tone and I really didn't appreciate it as a response to my simple question that was intended to start a dialogue of ideas. So, in keeping with her request to address these items when they come up - I solidify my demeanor as fairly passive, and approach her and say "Babe - I felt that your response to my question was mean and sarcastic. My question was NOT meant to be offensive, and I don't think I deserved the response I got." She replies, still in a VERY short and angry way "'Mean and Sarcastic'. Are you CERTAIN those are the words you wish to use?" So I try to make it sound less offensive and say "Ok - maybe 'mean' is overstating it, but definitely sarcastic." She replies, still in the same angry demeanor "You mean I was 'short' and 'terse' because I'm stressed out, and you chose the wrong words." At this point I stop and say "Look - I'm just trying to communicate with you as requested, and I'm trying to be nice and non-volatile about it." She says something again about my poor choice of words in the same "125% b!tch" tone, and admittedly I'm having a hard time listening at this point because I'm investing a lot of effort into not becoming enraged - to the point that I can feel myself physically shaking...she's speaking to me as though I were a very stupid child. I leave for the store to get the missing breading despite her demand to not. When I return, she apologizes for snapping at me. I thank her for the apology, give her a little kiss, and we carry on the evening in a fairly normal fashion even though I'm still feeling peeved about this. As a side-note, the embers of my emotions are being fanned a bit by the crap on the television she's insisted on watching (The Real Housewives of New Jersey ... gawd I HATE that kind of mindless, garbage TV .. but she's at my house cooking dinner, so she can watch whatever she pleases, but these no-brain-over-spoiled-bimbos on the TV are yelling and screaming at each other, and it's just making me feel tense in general). The more I thought about her snapping at me, the more I felt that it wasn't so much her tone of snap that tweaked me the most - but I felt fairly disrespected by her sarcastic brush-off of my question...as if it were a completely invalid inquiry posed by a small, ignorant child.

 

Anyway - this is just one very minor example, but this kind of thing happens frequently. Lastnight was the first time I didn't reflect her snappish attitude (by her request from our previous conversation about our lousy communication - she asked that if I had a problem with how she addresses me, to speak up about it - but only in a non-hostile manner). It didn't seem to make any difference that I was calm and passive in my approach - I was hoping it would qwell her bad attitude. It seemed that no matter how I approached it, she was simply ready to be offended by anything I said. I'm almost certain that if I'd used words other than "mean and sarcastic", they would've still been wrong.

 

I'm seeing a bit of a double-standard here. She seems to have no problem dishing it out, but has severe problems when it is dished back - even when it's dished back with heavy cream and sugar. She feels that since she gets over things quickly, that I should be able to not smolder about them. I've explained to her that while being able to move on quickly is great for her, that the rest of the world doesn't see things the same way - and that the moment I get chewed on, the damage is done from my perspective. She'll chew, I'll hurt, she'll be over it quickly and I'll still feel hurt, and this isn't ok to her because I'm the offending party by not forgeting about, and moving on from whatever the issue du jour is. To me it is unacceptable to be mean to someone, apologize later for it, and then rinse, repeat. In my mind when someone apologizes for something, they're admitting fault, recognizing their own bad behavior, and making a promise to not repeat the offense. Her perspective seems to be: cut first, and apologize after the fact to "fix it", making the "cut-first" approach is A-OK so long as it is shored up by saying "sorry" afterwards. As a result, this has caused me to draw away a little bit in our relationship, and I really detest feeling like I'm on eggshells and can't just be my natural self around her. One perceived wrong word or phrase and I've immediately got a bullseye on my forehead. She also doesn't hestiate to light into other people as well when she's miffed. As a silver lining, we've gotten dinner comp'd a few times after she tore the waitstaff or manager a new hole for lousy service or messing up our order. And while I understand that her frustration in these situations is fully justified, her delivery leaves me a bit frightened.

 

Thoughts? Comments? Am I being overly sensitive? For those that have experienced this kind of situation or have been with a similar kind of person, does this kind of communication issue ever work out for a long lasting relationship? I'm trying to figure out if this person is someone I want to stay with, or if I should move on. She has many good qualities about her, but a few bad ones as well (don't we all?). The short fuse and "zero-to-b!tch in 1.7 seconds" attitude is only one, and there are a few others that are cause for alarm on my part and have really only become apparent recently (example: she never wants to work a full-time job [currently in school], has several DUIs and no license or vehicle so I do a large amount of driving because public transit tends to anger her and the last thing I need is to pick her up from the trainstation already pre-funked for my pleasure, she drinks in a manner that I would consider "heavy" - at least a bottle of wine per day, often times two or more, and occasionally uses coke with a friend of hers - by her own admission, probably once every few months - although I've only known two types of people who use coke ... those who have tried it once or twice, and then those who use it habitually - I've never known someone who only "uses it occasionally," but maybe she's a first. She also has a young child who she only sees about 40% of the time on visitation - no custody due to the aforementioned DUIs and drinking issues that have gotten her a bit of a criminal record). I feel steeped in dichotomy...The good stuff is really good, and the bad stuff may just be really bad, so some objective thoughts are welcomed.

 

Anyway - lay it on me ... your input is appreciated.

[lora22]

WOW she has a lot of issues. Honestly, I'm surprised that the bulk of your post was about her bitchy attitude and short fuse - this girl has some major problems that seem indicative of worse traits than having a short temper.

 

From personal experience, someone who communicates (or rather doesn't) in the manner that you've described does not improve.

 

However...looking at this situation, I'd have to say NO she is never going to change her behavior. You've already said that she has a drinking problem (DUIs and such), yet she continues to drink heavily every day (and it also sounds like it's not social drinking? As in, she's finishing one or two bottles a night by herself at home?). If she can't change a behavior that has serious consequences (legal ones, as well as losing custody of her kids) for her, why would she change other behaviors, like snapping at you or waitstaff?

[murphomatic]

WOW she has a lot of issues. Honestly, I'm surprised that the bulk of your post was about her bitchy attitude and short fuse - this girl has some major problems that seem indicative of worse traits than having a short temper.

 

From personal experience, someone who communicates (or rather doesn't) in the manner that you've described does not improve.

 

However...looking at this situation, I'd have to say NO she is never going to change her behavior. You've already said that she has a drinking problem (DUIs and such), yet she continues to drink heavily every day (and it also sounds like it's not social drinking? As in, she's finishing one or two bottles a night by herself at home?). If she can't change a behavior that has serious consequences (legal ones, as well as losing custody of her kids) for her, why would she change other behaviors, like snapping at you or waitstaff?

I know you're probably right ... but I felt like I needed an outlet for some of this... and I'm so much in the middle of the problem right now, it has completely influenced and biased my perspective on things.

 

I guess the drinking could be considered "social" if people happen to be over for dinner (lol) . Your description nailed it - putting away at least 1 or 2 bottles a night on her own. On social outings where everyone is bellying up to the bar - she is even more voracious.

 

I guess I needed the reality check, and it saddens me to know that you're correct - that she likely won't change, and I will have to make my decisions accordingly.

 

Just to relate one other issue - this one is quite serious, and happened a few weeks back. In fact, it still has me tweaked and is likely a deal-breaker for me because it shows her selfishness and double-standards to a large degree:

 

I'd had a bad week at work ... run my own company, and the economy has been crap, so we've been slow. I had to lay off a number of people that I really admired on a personal level, and the business-decision made me sad. So I was a bit withdrawn one weekend while we were with her son. She never asked me what was troubling me, but I got sat down for a "talk" the Tuesday following that weekend, where she expressed that her time with her son was valuable and short, and that if I was going to be with them - that I needed to make sure I didn't have a bad attitude dragging down the general mood of the day. In my defense, my attitude wasn't caustic in anyway, but when I'm depressed - I tend to be quiet and a bit withdrawn. I was actually fine when the weekend started out with my happy-face on, and then she snapped at me over something trite, and I lost my ability to keep beaming a happy-face.

 

Anyway - I told her that I was having a tough time at work having to make some tough decisions, and this had me down. As my girlfriend and teammate in a relationship, that I would expect to be able to turn to her for solace and comfort, just as I would offer this to her should she be going through something tough. She told me that my work problems were mine, and that she wanted nothing to do with them. She simply wanted me to offer her safety and security. I actually considered this for a bit, and then kicked myself in the ass, told her that was completely unacceptable - that if she wanted to bask in the safety and security my job provided me, that she'd better be there to comfort me in the bad times - that adults in a relationship simply do this for one another, and in no uncertain terms did I simply want a "fair-weather girlfriend." She eventually relented, but we had to fight about it and basically have a break-up/make-up first...which is something I usually WILL NOT do. I absolutely despise being a yo-yo, and the next time this happens - the break-up will simply be followed by her life being bereft of me.

 

So - she'd driven the point home that her time with her son was priceless, and I needed to respect that. Ok - fair enough. I can put my BS on hold until he goes home to his dad so as not to dimish the quality of her time with him. We continue on that Tuesday evening to have a night out on the town. The next day, she is scheduled to go get her son and spend the day with him. About midnight that night, she gets the opportunity to get some coke with a friend of hers, and openly admits to me that she realizes it will keep her up all night, and likely wreck her day with her son tomorrow - but that it didn't matter. I thought to myself "wait a minute - didn't you just lecture me earlier on how much you value your time with your son, and how I'd better not get in the way of that ... but you'll happily let $20 worth of coke get in the way? So I'm worth less than $20 to you?" I eventually verbalized this to her later when she was sober, and she accused me of reaching back in time to lambast her with things. Apparently I'm not allowed to bring up mistakes of hers from the past as examples of present-day behavior trends either. If I can't think of things on-the-spot, as they are occuring, that those things will be forever lodged in the wastebasket of the past - never to be seen or spoken of again. Ahh - but again we have another double-standard...

 

Anyway - thanks Lora -

[lora22]

Good God, you should run like your ass is on fire.

Obviously her time with her son isn't that important, for the reason you mentioned, in addition to the DUIs and drinking problem.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your gf is so one-sided.

[murphomatic]

Thanks again Lora - sage advice .. do I smell something burning?

 

I'm sorry it is too... not that I'm devoid of faults - I'm sure I have my peccadillos, but honestly none that even remotely come close to the magnitude of the ones I'm witnessing.

 

Perhaps it's time to start over...

[lora22]

Thanks again Lora - sage advice .. do I smell something burning?

No one's perfect, but some things are just too ridiculous.

[motive2002]

Everyone has their deal-breakers and boundaries. Maybe you should re-assess yours.

 

I personally would not want to date anyone that dabbles in coke or is a heavy drinker, particularly if that person is a parent of a small child. Beyond that is the lack of apparent respect given in exchange for yours.

 

Walking on eggshells is no fun at all. I've been there and it sucks.

[dressing up]

Walking on eggshells is no fun at all.

 

 

 

Relationships take work but the bottomline is that it should be fun and two-sided to make the hard work worthwhile. OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't think you're happy in the arrangement. I hope you find the strength to look for your happiness.

[Confusedalways]

You sound intelligent and something tells me you know this crap isn't going to end with her.

 

Then again, coke using is a deal breaker for me so maybe I'm bias. All I can say is it smells like trouble... do yourself a favor and let this ship sail.

[2sunny]

Good God, you should run like your ass is on fire.

Obviously her time with her son isn't that important, for the reason you mentioned, in addition to the DUIs and drinking problem.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your gf is so one-sided.

 

my sentiments exactly!!! she is one selfish self centered biotch... i never understand why men would choose to spend any time at all with a gal such as her... it baffles me beyond words.

 

she plays like she's a decent parent - only to dabble in coke and drink herself silly... then demand that her parent time is priceless and that you respect that? how about she respect the privilege of being involved with her child by staying away from the coke and drinks...

 

and to take her anger out on you and make demands that don't even consider what your true feelings might be? much less any consolation or sympathy for you on a bad day... sheeez, i have to ask why would you even consider her for another minute after the things you've experienced with her?

[JohnnyBlaze]

my sentiments exactly!!! she is one selfish self centered biotch... i never understand why men would choose to spend any time at all with a gal such as her...

 

... sheeez, i have to ask why would you even consider her for another minute after the things you've experienced with her?

Because he's a guy. Looking back on my own experience, it astounds me the level of s__t that I (or any other guy, for that matter) will put up with when we fall for a girl. We try not to be emotional creatures, but when it comes to you women, we just can't help ourselves. We can tell ourselves logically that it won't end well, our friends can tell us to run like Jesse Owens, but until our emotions say "I'm tired; I can't take this any more", we'll just stand there. We may know it'll end badly, but we stay anyway. Like a deer in the headlights, it's our nature.

 

 

Murph, from the sounds of things, it has only been in the past few weeks that her true self has been showing. How much longer can you put up with this before you're emotionally drained? It's already driving you crazy after just a few weeks. Knowing that it probably won't get any better, how do you think you'll feel two months from now? A year? If she has you this wound up now, six months from now, you'll be the one drinking, just to get through a day with her. I don't think you really want to be that person; it's not a healthy person to be.

 

The question is, how much of yourself are you prepared to lose in order to not lose her?

[JustLooking123]

I couldn't even make it through the entire post. Why are you with her??? It boggles my mind why people stay in dysfunctional relationships, then complain about how miserable they are. Nothing is tying you to this woman. Get out!

[AlektraClementine]

How big are her boobs? Juuuust Kidding.

 

Coke is a deal breaker. Unless, and you didn't specify...do you dabble as well?

NOT cool for a mom at all. Quite disgusting actually. I was wondering why SHE had to go pick her son up for visiting time. Kids tend to live with mom after a split. Then you said the word "coke".

 

She sounds like she's completely infested with drama and bad business. Run like hell.

 

p.s. I'm a mom so I'm allowed to judge

[murphomatic]

How big are her boobs? Juuuust Kidding.

 

Coke is a deal breaker. Unless, and you didn't specify...do you dabble as well?

NOT cool for a mom at all. Quite disgusting actually. I was wondering why SHE had to go pick her son up for visiting time. Kids tend to live with mom after a split. Then you said the word "coke".

 

She sounds like she's completely infested with drama and bad business. Run like hell.

 

p.s. I'm a mom so I'm allowed to judge

LOL - she is physically attractive - this is true, but physical beauty to me fades quickly when other things tarnish a person's image in general.

 

I don't dabble with the white stuff at all...never will. I never told her it was a deal-breaker for me, but I did tell her I found it quite disturbing that she would choose that over her child, and that her actions completely negated the point she'd tried to make with me earlier that evening (re: the lecture about valuable time with her son and how my bad mood affected it). She has to pick her son up because she only has visitation rights - her custody was revoked after she got her DUIs. These things disturb me as you can tell, and I'm having a hard time seeing myself with her long-term. Of course - I'm here venting, so I'm probably more apt to spout the bad stuff than recognize the good.. But it seems like the good stuff is having a hard time stacking up lately. She really can be wonderful and charming - brains, beauty, a wicked sense of humor, and generally a lot of fun to be around when she's in a good mood. But I'm finding those good moods to be fewer and futher between than I first thought.

 

Johnny - you're correct - it IS emotionally draining. I feel constantly on-guard around her nowadays. I wouldn't say I'm "miserable" per se - but I'm verging on it. The spat we had the other night really struck me hard - even though it was really a minor thing in subject - the fact that I came to her calmly with a grievance, told her she was hurting me, and instead of hearing what my heart was saying, she instead chose to pick apart my words tells me that she really doesn't give two *****s about what I might feel...it's all about how she perceives it. Solipsism at its finest I guess. I simply cannot be with someone who refuses to lend any validity to the feelings of people other than themselves.

 

Thanks everyone for your input. I REALLY appreciate the objective views. Like I said a few posts ago - I'm so mired in the problem currently that I feel like it has completely corrupted my perspective.

[lora22]

 

She really can be wonderful and charming - brains, beauty, a wicked sense of humor, and generally a lot of fun to be around when she's in a good mood. But I'm finding those good moods to be fewer and futher between than I first thought.

 

Johnny - you're correct - it IS emotionally draining. I feel constantly on-guard around her nowadays. I wouldn't say I'm "miserable" per se - but I'm verging on it. The spat we had the other night really struck me hard - even though it was really a minor thing in subject - the fact that I came to her calmly with a grievance, told her she was hurting me, and instead of hearing what my heart was saying, she instead chose to pick apart my words tells me that she really doesn't give two *****s about what I might feel...it's all about how she perceives it. Solipsism at its finest I guess. I simply cannot be with someone who refuses to lend any validity to the feelings of people other than themselves.

Sounds like some of the hallmarks of my relationship with an emotionally abusive ex. Thought that the first time you wrote it in the OP, which is why my first response was that from personal experience it doesn't get better.

 

She might be fun and have other good qualities, but she sounds like a complete train wreck.

[murphomatic]

Sounds like some of the hallmarks of my relationship with an emotionally abusive ex. Thought that the first time you wrote it in the OP, which is why my first response was that from personal experience it doesn't get better.

 

She might be fun and have other good qualities, but she sounds like a complete train wreck.

Yeah - that's essentially what she is - a sociopathic emotional bully. She doesn't consider how her actions or words may affect others - all that matters is how she feels about it. So if she feels frustrated, she'll chew the head off anyone that's convenient for her to do so. If that person complains about it - again, her concern is with how her feelings are regarding the subject. This is why she chose to pick apart my specific words instead of simply hearing me and understanding that she was hurting me. My hurt doesn't matter to her. All that really matters to her is ... her.

 

I've got the strength to seek my own happiness. Time to flex my muscles a little.

[2sunny]

so the way i see it - SHE puts her child lower on the priority list than she could/should...

 

things that come before the child:

 

drinking

drugs

you

work?

 

 

probably MANY more... then she wants to shift the blame to YOU??? for a bad mood when she's with him??? WHY is she even with you when she has such limited time with the boy? the PRIORITY should be HER time with the child...

 

she's got ALL her priorities out of whack - for you to even be remotely interested in a gal that is this messed up looks terribly bad for your choices you are making for yourself... i don't care how pretty she is - how great you could say she is - SHE ISN'T - at all!

 

her actions are terrible - and i never say things like that! RUN!

[murphomatic]

............................

[Trialbyfire]

murphomatic, she acts like an...addict. That she abuses alcohol and is very partial to coke, pretty much fills in the gaps of why her personality is so erratic.

 

Get out and stay out of this relationship.

[Phateless]

Was this the same girl as the other thread? The similarities between you and I and our relationships are crazy.

 

Hell, we both even ride motorcycles, lol.

 

Good luck to you bro.

[murphomatic]

Because he's a guy. Looking back on my own experience, it astounds me the level of s__t that I (or any other guy, for that matter) will put up with when we fall for a girl. We try not to be emotional creatures, but when it comes to you women, we just can't help ourselves. We can tell ourselves logically that it won't end well, our friends can tell us to run like Jesse Owens, but until our emotions say "I'm tired; I can't take this any more", we'll just stand there. We may know it'll end badly, but we stay anyway. Like a deer in the headlights, it's our nature.

Your words are still ringing true here Johnny.. still in it ... it's been up and it has been down .. more down than up. I'm not here tonight with any specific gripe.. or more specifically, there have been so many causes for gripes recently, that I simply can't pick one to write a story about. The last few weeks, I've been seriously considering what another user posted in this thread... to find the strength to seek my own happiness. Soon..

 

Just wanted to thank everyone again for their prior responses. It was good for me to come back here and re-read all this. I just have to find a way now to exercise the sage advice that has been given.

[Phateless]

Your words are still ringing true here Johnny.. still in it ... it's been up and it has been down .. more down than up. I'm not here tonight with any specific gripe.. or more specifically, there have been so many causes for gripes recently, that I simply can't pick one to write a story about. The last few weeks, I've been seriously considering what another user posted in this thread... to find the strength to seek my own happiness. Soon..

 

Just wanted to thank everyone again for their prior responses. It was good for me to come back here and re-read all this. I just have to find a way now to exercise the sage advice that has been given.

 

That's what I'm thinking. The irony is that I feel like she and I have finally made peace, but it's too late. I'm checked out and don't want to be in it anymore. I just can't bear to bring the heartache on her cuz I do love and care about her as a person. Her birthday is also in less than a week...

[lab_brat]

Good lcuk to you

Edited November 19, 2009 by lab_brat
.

[murphomatic]

That's what I'm thinking. The irony is that I feel like she and I have finally made peace, but it's too late. I'm checked out and don't want to be in it anymore. I just can't bear to bring the heartache on her cuz I do love and care about her as a person. Her birthday is also in less than a week...

Absolutely know how you feel. You and I share more than just a love for motorcycles Phateless. I think I've been checked out since I originally started this thread. She's basically happy with me (probably because I've allowed her to steamroll me time after time - I'm basically her bitch in so many ways), so I know when we have "the talk" it will break her heart. Not because she loves me and can't stand the thought of being without me, but more along the lines of having her favorite toy taken away. I won't be able to provide her any longer with the utility she's grown so accustomed to having. I'm so tired of not being respected, and I suspect that she really doesn't truly "LOVE" me ... she loves the potential she sees in me to provide her and her son with a better life. She's just along for the ride.

 

Over the last couple days, work has begun to pick up a bit. I run my own business, and she has a hell of a time understanding how things work in this regard. Not the minutia of my work itself, but just the concept of respecting me enough to allow me to work. Her attitude about work is what I refer to, as a business owner, as the "typical proletariat water-cooler mentality" where you - as an employee of a nice, stable company - stand around the water cooler and bitch to your fellow employees about what a lousy job you have, all the while being bombarded with regular paychecks every 2 weeks. She realizes I'm the "big cheese" and doesn't understand why I can't just abandon my work to focus all my time and energy on her, and still reap the rewards. It's a real simple equation in the shaky small business world: no workie = no money. Lastnight was good example. My plate got stacked with a bunch of work to be finished by mid December - so I'm under the gun. She had school and her son lastnight, so I took the opportunity to work late and will likely have to repeat this for many nights until the work is done. So I get this txt message from her about 6pm lastnight: "What do you think about having dinner at Murph's tomorrow night lovey?". I was taken aback by 2 things: 1. The text message was obviously mistakenly sent to me instead of its intended recipient (who happens to be right next to me in her phone's contact list), I'm tweaked that she's scheduling dinner at my house with her friends without my prior approval or knowledge, and secondly - she's calling some other guy "lovey". I replied back that if she is going to make arrangements to have my place as the designated party site, that I need to be informed about these things first. I'm peeved because I've explained that I'm inundated with work and will have a hectic schedule for the next month .. but that doesn't stop her from scheduling out the rest of my week and weekend with dinner parties, watching her friend's two little girls, and doing other extraneous activities that I typically wouldn't mind doing - except that I'm stressed now trying to work all this in with my workload. She replies back "is your work anxiety getting to you? Perhaps I could come over and we could hump the stress away." I reply "as tempting as it sounds, I simply MUST work." This pisses her off, she sets her facebook status to express how irritated she is, and that she's going to bed, and I don't hear from her the rest of the night ... no "goodnight honey - love you" message or call, which is her typical MO.

 

She's mad that I won't blow off work for the rest of the evening to pay attention to her. I'm desperately needing to get work done, and on top of it - she said some incredibly mean things to me a couple weeks back that make me extraordinarily wary of having sex with her. We fought about her apparent lack of respect for me one night, and instead of her addressing my grievance, she took the opportunity to throw anything in my face that would hurt me - which was basically "you think I don't respect you - well when was the last time you went down on me? Everytime you fnck me and I don't cum - I feel disrespected and dissatisfied by you." She's extremely difficult to bring to orgasm and I've only been able to do it via standard penetration a few times (which she claims I'm the only one who's ever been able to do that). Typically she requires oral in order to reach climax. Which I have no problem with - love to give it...but as fodder for her argument, the 2 times we'd had sex prior to this blow-out, both were "quickies" and didn't really afford the time or environment for prolonged and satisfying sexy-time. As a disclaimer to her diatribe (and for my own sanity) - I'm well-endowed and have decent stamina, and in 20 years of being sexually active, I've never EVER had a negative review - in fact, quite the opposite. So her statement introduced all sorts of performance anxiety issues in me that I've never felt before. Her statement hurt me - like she only has traditional sex with me as an act of charity because it rarely rings her bell. Anyway - this one has been bugging me for awhile now and I had to get it off my chest. Thanks again to the LS forums for affording me anonymity and providing so many listening ears.

 

While I'm on a roll with gripes, here's another for your reading pleasure. Back on my birthday in July, she presents me with a "trip" as my present. Her mom owns a timeshare near a popular ski resort, and I LOOOOOVE to ski. So I'm really stoked - this is an awesome and thoughtful present. As time moves on and schedules ebb and flow, the travel date for this trip moves slowly out of the ski season and into the pre-season when there's no snow. Ok - that's fine - there's lots to do in the area anyway, and I'm an outdoorsy type ... fishing, hiking, etc - I'm game and love it all. So we take our trip in the beginning of this month. We get to our destination late Thursday evening, have dinner, drinks, and hit the sack. Friday I'm wanting to explore the area a bit, maybe go hiking, etc.. but she sleeps in really late and when she wakes up, she wants to go to a hotspring in the area - which I'm totally cool with, and it was nice and fun. As it so happens, her best friend only lives about 100 miles away from where we're at in a neighboring city, so she calls her and invites her to come up and stay Saturday and Sunday with us. She asks me if this is ok, but the question is rhetorical .. I can't really say no, lest I suffer the consequences of her wrath. So I say "Sure - as long as E is game to go hiking with us tomorrow." I had even bought new gear/apparel for hiking and was really looking forward to it.. had maps all drawn up, the works. Well Saturday morning comes and again - she sleeps until noon, and E lags and doesn't show up until about 1pm, and when propositioned with a hike, her reaction is "yeah - right .. I'm not doing that." (E is a barbie-type girl who's tall, thin, blonde, and pretty - and cares more about her lip-gloss than anyone or anything around her). So my hike is basically postponed indefinitely. I manage to coax them into allowing me to at least drive up to the trailheads to scope them out, so long as they can drink hard apple-cider in the truck (I'm typically anti-open-container in any vehicle I'm driving as I'll be the one who suffers the ticket for it should we get pulled over .. but I made an exception this time because I at least wanted to get close to doing something that I'd hoped to be able to do). So we go and drive up the mountain a little ways ... they quickly become bored, and want to go back into town for dinner, drinking, and dancing. Now - my girl is a veteran alcoholic, and so is her friend. I was stupid to try and keep up with them at the bar, and wound up sick..so sick that I blew some blood vessels in my eye while hurling later that night. We make it back to the condo (all the while leaving the bar, my girlfriend is trying to convince some other guy, that hung out with us because of E's presence, to come back to the condo with us..which pisses me off, but I'm really too drunk to do anything about it). Sunday morning rolls around and we're all severely hung over. E departs for home, and I'm left to get all our stuff packed and out of the condo by check-out time at noon because my girl is too sick and hung over to help (so am I, but that really doesn't matter). I get us all packed and out by 12:30. The drive home was miserable..both of us sick the whole way for 9 hours.. I never drink, I knew I shouldn't have...but I was just bummed about not really being able to do anything I wanted to do while in town, so I figured "screw it - I'll just tie one on and have a damn good time..." What a mistake...and one I haven't made since I was 19.

 

I think the end-of-the-line conversation with her is coming very, very soon. As ridiculous as it sounds, I'm trying to gage the timing a bit. She has some of my belongings at her house, and they'll get burned (literally) if I don't get them back first.

 

So emotionally weary.... uhg..

[Phateless]

Wow dude, that sounds a lot like my situation! You should definitely dump her ass, she sounds completely unreasonable! My girl doesn't do the partying/drinking thing but the complete lack of respect for my time/schedule is similar. She's also very explosive and hard to talk to. We've talked a lot of it out recently and I feel like she finally understands what she needs to do, BUT, I fear it's only because she knows I'm this close to walking out.

 

I'm just checked out, and ironically, I'm worried about upsetting her.

 

Your girl sounds so completely unreasonable that you couldn't talk these things out if you wanted to! Drag her ass into therapy if you're still thinking about saving this, because there's no way she'll be responsive to your needs otherwise. That's been my complaint with my girl all along and she's trying to change now, I just feel like it's too late...