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Is it wrong/silly/crazy to end a great long term relationship to be alone?


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Posted

[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]Posted this in the general dating forum before realising it should have been in here...[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]I am 28 years old and I have never been single. I started in relationships when I was 17.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]I adore my live-in boyfriend of 5 years but I often feel like I am missing out on the time to myself that everyone else but me seems to have had. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]I can never seem to make decisions about anything. My bf tends to baby me as well, which has made me very dependant. I know he is only trying to look after me, but it has effected me badly. I can't seem to do anything for myself. I feel constantly lost, and I don't like the person I am.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]What should I do? I can't stop thinking about breaking free. He is a wonderful man who has done nothing to warrant this happening to him, and he adores me. I keep trying to tell myself "it's not his life, it's MINE" but I cannot stop thinking about how devastated he would be.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]He thinks feelings like this (i.e. finding yourself) are a "cop out", "excuses" and a "load of rubbish".[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks :)[/sIZE][/FONT]

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Posted

[FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]I have no idea why those [/font] things are in my post btw. I deleted them but they just came up again :([/sIZE][/FONT]

Posted

Wow, i'm in almost the exact same situation but i'm on the male side. Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago after a 2 month break. The reasons she gave were the same as yours almost to the letter. To be honest i'm having a lot of difficultly understanding this, when you love someone you want to be with them right. I think my ex has HUGE self confidence issues and maybe has to prove to herself she can be on her own. Sad thing there is, we are never truly alone and we always have our friends/family.

But you have to do what is best for you. I suggest you sit down by yourself and examine the reasons why you want this break-up. Maybe you and your partner can work through this.

Posted

Oh my god! That's pretty much what my ex told me. He hit 27 and soon after decided he wanted to be on his own. He'd been in serious relationships since he was 17 and wanted out. The total b**tard!

 

When you hear people say they need space I guess sometimes they really do need space. That's good to know!

 

Sorry I just realised that this isn't advice....I don't have any.

Posted

I personally could never understand that, but that's just my personality type. I love companionship. I see no reason that I can't pursue "my" goals while still being in a relationship. I never feel like "oh I need to be alone to accomplish this or that".

 

But obviously there are people out there who feel differently. If you want to be alone, then be alone.

 

As long as you are honest with yourself and your partner about what your feelings are, you should never have to feel guilty.

Posted

OP, to be a healthy partner, you need to be a healthy person. It sounds like you feel you aren't healthy right now, rather dependent.

 

If you moved out tomorrow, got your own place and started living life alone, what do you think would happen to/for you? What do you want to happen to/for you? Forget about your BF for this moment.

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Posted

Hi guys, thanks so much for your responses. It is comforting to know that there are people out there who feel like me, or know others who feel like me.

 

You know the saying "you cannot love anyone until you love yourself"? Well that really applies to me now. I do NOT love myself. I do not even like the person that I am. He is giving 100% to our relationship and I am giving about 2% because I can't shake this feeling.

 

I want to learn to stand on my own 2 feet. I want to live FOR myself for once. I have always lived my life for others and made my life about them, and it has gotten to a point where I am starting to feel resentful, especially considering my bf is 17 years older than me, and he had his youth to do whatever he wanted with.

 

I just have no idea how I am going to do this... how do you tell a wonderful man who has done nothing wrong "hey, thanks for the last 5 years, but I want to be alone now"? :(

Posted

I would think long and hard about trying to see someone and working on loving yourself. If you break up with this guy, who is giving 100% to your 2% and really loves you, he will be devistated and probably want nothing to do with you anymore.

 

I personally never understood why you need to be alone to work on yourself. Do you think maybe a healthy relationships scares you, like you dont feel you deserve it? Or is it that you know hes head over heels in love, and you want a guy you have to work on to get affection from?

 

To answer your question, its not silly if you can handle the fact that you may never see him again or meet anyone else like him. If you can handle that, then go with it.

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Posted
Do you think maybe a healthy relationships scares you, like you dont feel you deserve it? Or is it that you know hes head over heels in love, and you want a guy you have to work on to get affection from?

 

Maybe... I have zero self esteem so I don't think I deserve much at all, really.

 

I often feel like I am missing out on so much. He (45) wants us to save for a home. Me (28) wants to travel more and see things and do things before settling down.

 

I have been with him since just before I turned 22, and been saving my money etc instead of enjoying myself and seeing the world like the rest of my friends have.

 

I KNOW his way is probably... well IS the best idea, but I still want to do what I want to do. I have never owned my own car because "WE can't afford it". I CAN afford it, but I have to put all my money towards our home... I feel like a child who gets an allowance or something.

 

Jesus, I'm stumped. I don't know what to do. I know if I end it he will want nothing more to do with me, and I can't stand the thought of that... so do I just remain unhappy and unfulfilled or what???

Posted

Often times in life, youre stuck between a rock and a hard place. No move is really going to give you 100% of what you want, so you have to weigh your options.

 

You may be on different pages in life, too. He is obviously older and trying to settle down, but you are young and want to go out and have fun. You can think about what kind of comprimise you can live with, if any, and bring that up if it makes it any better.

 

Maybe... I have zero self esteem so I don't think I deserve much at all, really.

 

I see this a lot with young women. Part of your problem could be that you dont feel you deserve this, so youre waiting for it to fall apart, or looking for reasons that it should. Some people seriously need to be somewhat abused (not physically, but with mind games, being insecure about whats going on, etc) to feel loved. Did you have a good relationship with your father growing up?

 

I just want you to think long and hard about the rest of your life, and not the rest of the year. It might be cool to go out and have fun for a while, but when that gets old, are you going to regret losing this guy? I say this because my ex did the same thing, broke me heart, and I'll never say a single word to her again (she did other things, too, not just the breaking up).

 

Most guys want little to nothing to do with anyone who dumped them, ever.

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Posted
Oh my god! That's pretty much what my ex told me. He hit 27 and soon after decided he wanted to be on his own. He'd been in serious relationships since he was 17 and wanted out.

 

I'm curious... what exactly did he say to you?

 

If I do do this... I want to make sure I let everything be known. This is not about me being unhappy or wanting to date other people, it's about me wanting to have some more clarity and direction in my life, and to start living my life for me. To see if I can make it on my own. To show myself I CAN do this.

 

If I keep putting others first I am going to end up a very bitter, regretful, resentful person and I don't want to be like that.

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Posted

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I just want you to think long and hard about the rest of your life, and not the rest of the year. It might be cool to go out and have fun for a while, but when that gets old, are you going to regret losing this guy? I say this because my ex did the same thing, broke me heart, and I'll never say a single word to her again (she did other things, too, not just the breaking up).

 

Yes. I am. I know if I break it off he will be so shattered that there will never be another chance for us. I know I am probably going to turn around in a year's time and wonder what the hell I was thinking giving him up... but even knowing this, I still have the desire to get out there and be on my own.

 

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Did you have a good relationship with your father growing up?

 

I was very intimidated and scared of my father... just like I am with my boyfriend. He is not a violent person, but when he gets angry he gets ANGRY. He doesn't throw things around the room or lay a hand on me, but he yells and gets right up in my face and points his finger in my face..

Posted

IMO you could see a thrapist on your self-esteem issues. Have you talked to your b/f about his anger? Ask him for a little more alone time. If he gives it to you, maybe you will be better off. I see no problem with wanting more independence but it is only fair that you discuss this with him and see if he can accomidate your request. If this doesnt help ,aybe you truly want to date others? Just remember the good ones dont come along every day. I also agree he would probably not want anything to do with you. It is extremely hard to go from romantic to strictly friends and watching someone date other people. I do have a friend I was romantically involved with for a number of years, however I feel that is pretty rare. Most of my gf's say they wouldnt be able to do it. My gut tells me he is not the reason you feel that way.

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Posted

How on earth can I have more alone time? We live together (at his place). Even if I go out with my girlfriends every weekend, I still come home to him every single night.

 

I didn't even want to move in with him, I LOVED having my own space, but he needed a flatmate and I didn't want to leave him in the lurch.

 

There I go sacrificing what I want to do so I can please someone else again! This has to stop, I can't do it anymore. :(

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Posted

I'm sorry I really don't mean to be snappy but... this is something that has been troubling me for a long, long time and the years are ticking away and I still don't know what I want to do. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Every time I think I am ready, he does something so unimaginably sweet and I change my mind. I know NONE of this is fair on him and God, AAAHH I hate myself for it.

Posted

Maybe you should go off by yourself or with a girlfriend travelling for a bit instead of breaking up. It will boost your confidence and you can think more about the relationship while you're away. This is freaky for me as you sound exactly like my ex.

Posted

If this is something you need for yourself, do it.

Posted

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. What happens then is a joint decision, not one you have made in isolation. I'm saying this because my ex of 18 years up and left because he feels we have never been compatable and he has always brushed his feelings aside to avoid hurting me. It's devastated me and I MEAN devastated me. He gave me no opportunity to see if we could work things out. See if he and you can come to a compromise you are both happy with. Perhaps you could get your own place and date him, for example. Please don't just walk away, when he has done nothing wrong, I appreciate you feel trapped, constrained and you NEED to feel more independant, but having been on the recieving end of what you are about to do, give him a chance first.

Posted

If you do not desire to be in this relationship anymore, then it doesn't matter what your reasons are. You could say it's because the sky is blue, and it wouldn't matter. You don't want to be in this relationship, so I'd suggest you leave it.

 

1. You are not doing your bf any favors by sticking around when you truly don't want to be with him.

2. I personally DO believe that in some cases, it is not possible to grow as a person while still being in a relationship.

3. It is important to have at least a couple diverse dating experiences to determine what you truly want or don't want out of a relationship.

4. If he is discounting your feelings and opinions, is he really someone you want to be with anyway?

 

The fact that he discounted what you had to say turned me off immediately. He apparently can't even hear out your concerns, and feels that you are silly or ridiculous. That's not the kind of healthy respectful relationship I would want with someone.

 

It will be hard to break up with him. You probably will feel guilty. But that is what you want to do, and the longer you drag it out, the harder it will be. Your feelings (based on my personal experience) of wanting to get out are not going to go away.

 

Be strong. You have to look out for yourself -- that's the first step in learning to be more independent!!

Posted

After thinking about it some more, this is where I think you are:

 

You want to break up with him, because he's not making you happy. Whatever the reasons for your unhappiness is irrelevant, you just arent happy right now.

 

At the same time, though, you know what you have with this guy, and you are affraid of letting him go and not meeting anyone else as good. You want to have the option of changing your mind, even though its unlikely you ever will, and so youre trying to work things out in your mind so that you are just 'needing some space', because it leaves the door open if you so chose.

 

I really dont believe that you just need space. I think you are trying to tell yourself that because you want to feel less guilty, but how much sense does it really make to dump someone and think that maybe someday down the road, you can pick things up again? It doesnt. I think you are affraid of being alone and not meeting anyone else like him, but at the same time, he isnt making you happy anyway.

 

What youre doing now is living a lie for the sake of not looking like a mean person. Youre in a catch-22, stay and be unhappy, or leave and hurt him. At the end of the day, youre not doing either of you any favors. You need to leave him and move out, or youll never really be happy or fully invested in this relationship.

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