LisaUk Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hi all, I'm new to this forum, I have been posting on another board but wondered if perhaps it would be ok and helpful to post here instead. The reason I ask is that my partner of 18 years just left me calling off our wedding, hence not married as you all have been. However as I am sure you can appreciate, the time scale involved in my relationship, we lived together 10 years and were engaged 8 years, I am finding it difficult to get help and support elsewhere. Please do let me know if it's ok to post and talk with you on here. thanks.
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Ofcourse it's okay to post here. Tons of people will help you through this.. Did he meet someone else? Or is he just one of these guys who doesn't want to get married but is okay with living together?
Author LisaUk Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Hi, thanks. To be honest I'm still trying to figure out what happened. As far as I know he hasn't got someone else. I'll try and explain what happened, sorry but it's quite long! We were together form school aged 15, now 33, we lived together 10 years and 8 years ago he proposed. Each time I bought up setting the date he would give some excuse. They were always believable, but as the years went on I started to wonder if he was ever going to commit to me. After we attended a friends wedding last August I began to ask him frequently to set the date. Eventually in November he admitted to having some doubts, but would not discuss them but mentioned that he wanted children. We had discussed this serveral times before and he had said he understood that I did not want a family for various reasons and he was happy with that decision as he wanted to be with me. I told him to take some time to think things through, he then came to me and said he wanted to set the date and marry me. Needless to say I was concerned, so I asked him again on two seperate occasions if he was sure that the family issue was not going to become a problem for us. He reassured me it wouldn't and we began looking at wedding venues, spoke to our respective parents to discuss fianances, guest lists etc and had the vicar (minister of our church) round to set the date for December this year. We then attended a church service and were taken round the church to discuss vows and alters etc. Two weeks later (Febuary), as the contract came and we needed to put the deposit down on the venue, he said he couldn't move forward with the wedding as he was having panic attacks about not having a family. Although I was very upset I tried to be understanding and suggested that it might help to see a counsellor. I wanted to go with him, but he said he would prefer to go alone. He went to her for 5 weeks, each time he would not let me go with him, the whole time he kept reassuring me that he was seeing her to help him deal with his feelings about not having a family and that he wanted and would marry me, even if he could not come to terms with it. As I am sure you can imagine I was worried, but he reassured me continually that there were no other issues he was concerned about in our relationship, he was very happy with me and we would definately marry. After 4 weeks he told me he wanted to finish. Then he changed his mind, at this point I said perhaps I could reconsider having a family with him or perhaps we could look at adoption. He reassured me again, he said no I want to be with you, it's more important. The following weekend he got up and I had just woken. He said I don't want to be with you anymore, call your parents to collect you I want you out, I'll buy you out the house. He said he had lied. I asked again if there was anything else wrong, could we sort it out? He said no, packed a bag and left. I called him later that day and said come home, we can sort this out, I will have children with you if that's what you want, I want that too. It was at this point that he began to say there were other issues, that he was fed up with me, I didn't give him enough time to go out and wouldn't let him have a motorbike. Really lame immature excuses, I couldn't understand it, we hadn't been arguing, nothing had changed between us, if anything over the last 1 and half years since we bought the new house things had improved, both for me personally and as a result for us a couple. Since then as I had to speak to him about all the legal stuff, he has said he has felt we were never compatible, that for years we had argued or he had brushed his feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting me, that it didn't feel right when he proposed and that for the last 8 years he had been hoping things would get better and for the last 3 years he had been unhappy and he really didn't love me very much anymore, he also said he wouldn't have married me even if I had always wanted children. I told him that we should go to counselling and try to work it out, that it wasn't right to just walk away form me and 18 years just like that, without attempting to resolve things, espically as he had never expressed his unhappiness before. This was all 3 months ago and my whole life has been turned upside down, I have had to move 200 miles away, back to my parents, I haven't worked for 7 years as due to health problems we decided I would be a homemaker. It's just torn my world apart and I just can't figure it. I just cannot figure what happened, why he's done this, he wouldn't even try to save us.
Ronni_W Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hi Lisa. BIG hugs...I'm sorry you're going through this. Possibly. I think he is only now approaching an age where having or not having a family takes on a more significant meaning. He was, perhaps, trying to live up to his prior beliefs, thoughts and promises about it but found, deep within his heart, that he is meant (was born) to have children. I am childless by choice, and I made that decision when I was 18 or so. I met my (now ex) husband when HE was 30. He had wanted a family but changed his mind (to be with me, is the logical.) I can't say for sure, but it never seemed to become an issue for him that he'd live his life without having biological children. For him, I'd see it as him NOT necessarily born to have children. What I mean is, for my ex, his 'life purpose' or 'soul mission' or whatever we want to call it, does not appear to be inextricably linked to him becoming (or not becoming) a parent. For your ex, it seems more likely that perhaps his purpose/mission is more tied-up in him having an opportunity to play out the role of 'dad'. (Same as my role is to NOT play out the role of 'mom'.) The other stuff that he's come up with since. There either is a bit of truth to that, or he felt pressured to give you "more" or "better" or a "different" reason than him becoming a biological parent. Underlying, it is also possible that he realizes the importance to YOUR mission/purpose to stay true to your own deepest feelings about (not) becoming a mom. Perhaps he absolutely did not feel comfortable with forcing motherhood on you, when he knew how you felt about it? In my (reversed) situation, I did often enough tell my then-husband that I'd totally understand if he needed to divorce me due to his own soul's yearnings for biological children. To me, parenting is a matter of Faith and Spirit. And maybe it is that your ex connected with some deeper/higher part of himself and, from that place, arrived at his conclusions and decisions? If any of that makes sense? I know what I'm feeling, but not sure if I even have the words to convey it
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 I think he knows that if you end up having children it will be so he doesn't leave.. You can't have kids just because he wants a family..Those who feel strongly about not wanting children should NOT have kids.. This has to be the main root of his issues, as well as him holding back and choosing not to open up to you completely. But, now that he has, as sad as this is, maybe it is best for you two to part ways.. If you don't both of you will end up resenting eachother for various reasons and it could get nasty. I am sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sure you're scared. Having your whole life turned upside down (not by choice) is awful. Please rely on family and close friends to help you through this, and if need be, seek counselling.
Author LisaUk Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 Hi, I appreciate the replies, howevre, I know now it's not about the children, I would have a hard time having kids for health reasons, he knew this, hence the adoption suggestion. It wasn't that I didn't want them, in the end I said I would push through the health reasons, you see. Any way, I guess what I really need is some help dealing with my emotions through the break up, rather than constantly trying to figure out what happened. Thanks for your support, much apprecaited.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Rely on your family and friends to help you through this.. Seek some counselling if you find yourself not able to handle it on your own. It's OK to do, many people need that bit of extra help when a huge crisis happens in their lives.. Keep posting.
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