unhappychappy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I have been married for 9 years, in the same relationship for 14 years. Have 2 kids 12 and 4. I found out my wife is having an emotional relationship with someone from her past who she met online again via Facebook. They were calling each other 2-3 times a day and emailing/Facebook all the time. Her behaviour became secretive i.e. closing down her browser every time I walked in the room. I confronted her on the phone calls asking her what was going on - she said just a friend nothing more. I explained that it made me unhappy and I was worried about our relationship. The calls continued. She went off on a trip and I found out recently that she did indeed meet up with him. I don't know what happened. I finally got upset to the point where I blew and confronted her. Lots of tears and sorry, etc. She said he would not be calling anymore - he has not. I did something I am not proud of and installed a keylogger. I found she had created a new email account and chat address. She is still communicating and being much more guarded. She is off on another trip to see family (he is also located there, this time she is taking the kids too. I don't think she is going to take the kids away but I know she will leave the kids with family and is setting up times to meet with the other guy. I don't know if this is the progression to adultery or not and cannot afford to hire a PI to prove anything. The other guy is also married so is fabricating something similar at his end I presume. I don't know if I should confront or if this will simply make things worse and then she will not bring the kids back. I don't know if I should go see a lawyer while she is away and serve papers or how ever it works on her return. We both want the kids and that is where things could get messy. We have huge debts and I don't know how we could afford to split up let alone get divorced - I have no idea how much a lawyer would cost either. Can anyone (if you made it to the end of this!) give me some advice? Anyone been in a similar situation? Many thanks in advance.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Do you still hope to sort things out with her, or is it too far gone and you just want a divorce? If you want to try to fix things, confront her. If you want to divorce her, by all means serve her with divorce papers, but she will probably just take the kids away again as soon as she gets them, so really whether you confront her and demand a divorce or just serve her with papers the outcome will be pretty much the same.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I want the kids, they are settled in preschool/school and she is the one that has wandered so why should she make them suffer for her infidelity? I want to work things out but the lies make me wonder if she simply wants out and is biding her time - waiting for the other guy to get out of his relationship and find a place. Her going away brings this all to a head and I don't know how to handle it. How much is a lawyer going to cost me? I worry about my chance of keeping the kids. She would move to the other side of the country so cut off from Mom/Dad either way this goes.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 The truth is that mothers pretty much always get the kids, and a court will not see her infidelity as proof of her being an unfit mother. If you want to be with your kids, your best chance is to try to sort things out with your wife, otherwise you're probably looking at being a weekend dad while her new bf raises your kids.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Regardless of what you end up deciding, stay or go, make certain you keep copies off-computer, of her emails and chats, previous to the items being deleted. If nothing else, it's your combat material when she starts lying to you.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Agreed - you need to confront her with the evidence, and it would certainly be helpful to have copies if you decide to get divorced. First, confront her about the affair and show her your proof. Threaten her with divorce. The contact the OM's wife and expose the affair, his wife will do her part in dissuading her hubby from continuing the relationship. Then you need to figure out what's missing in your marriage that would cause your wife to stray, and fix it. Perhaps get some marriage counselling.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Find a wicked divorce lawyer and have her served with papers. The quicker you knock her off the fence the quicker the fantasy gets smashed by reality. Aint nothing like a good case of exposure help either! Take matters into your own hands, end it your own way if it's gonna end. I'm sorry this has happened but you control your own fate not some cheating witch.
stampdaddy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Here is the deal, IF you don't basically walk up and put a "gun to her head" (meaning the evidence or the real threat of divorce) she WILL, she WILL, and let me repeat, she WILL keep this affair going, right? And she will be as happy as a clam doing so, all while YOU suffer (because you know she is still doing it)... WHat does that say to you? OR, if you hadnt installed a keylogger, she WOULD be playing you for stupid because you didnt know she was lying.. What does that say to you?? This affair would (if it isnt already) turn into a FULL BLOWN affair, and you know this too... What does THAT say to you? As far as the divorce option. The attorney costs are all different. You will NOT get full custody of the children, but you can shoot for Joint, and there are 100 different ways to do that. ***you can have a parenting plan that DOES NOT allow her to leave with the children*** People with debt get divorced, people with money get divorced. DO NOT allow her to just have her affair because you are in debt. And if you "force her" to stop the affair she obviously wants to continue, then she will be resentful, and you will suffer even more...
Author unhappychappy Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 For some weird reason I feel guilty for having installed the keylogger to get the information I have. Silly I know but that is how I feel. I guess I do have a chance at the upper hand, it is just whether I confront before she goes away or simply present her with papers when she returns as the jolt she may need. Downside to that is I guess things could progress with the guy while she is over there. If she did not come back I know I can get an emergency order from the family court to get the kids back - her taking them without consent is almost like kidnapping. What a bloody mess. I want to work things out but don't seem to see a way forward. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the candid responses.
sadintexas Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Tell her you've decided to go on the trip with her. The look on her face will be priceless. Take it from there. Or here's something sneaky...send an email to OM yourself telling him you're really looking forward to meeting him when you and your wife come down, but don't say anything to her. She'll have to approach YOU about it. That'll put her in a squirmy spot. Then you can tell her that she will NOT be taking the children, and if she decides to go anyway, there will be divorce papers waiting for her when she comes back. You've done nothing wrong installing the key logger. She's still lying to you and you have every right to protect yourself and your children. It's hard when you feel like you could lose her, but now is the time to be strong, make her think life WILL go on without her, and she is making her own choice by staying or going. Letting her go and then surprising her with papers isn't the way to go IMO. You have a chance to stop it from progressing further right now. You should take advantage of that.
stampdaddy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 For some weird reason I feel guilty for having installed the keylogger to get the information I have. Silly I know but that is how I feel. It is how you SHOULD feel, IF things were normal.. but the are NOT! get over that feeling and think about how you are going to feel down the road now...
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Why are you letting your wife go away on holiday when it means she is going to screw another man? Don't you want to prevent it? Or are you finished with your marriage? If you want to give your marriage another shot, you need to confront her with what you know. You say you are guilty about snooping on her? Ha ha... that's funny, because you are going to see that she is NOT feeling guilty for setting up a tryst behind your back. Listen, you must confront her. You must also get ahold of OM's wife to tell her what you know. She needs to reign in OM while you figure out your relationship with your wife. Your wife will not be thinking straight at this point... it's like a hungry person with their eyes on a hot meal... so you have to blindside her into reality... there's much to be said for including some family members and friends into helping you give her a much-needed Wake-Up call! Don't feel guilty about spying on her... your gut instinct was telling you she was up to no good and you did what you had to do to find out the truth... that is the only way you stood a chance of stopping her in her tracks.. who knows, she might be grateful in the future... If you don't want to give your source away, then do not tell her about the keylogger... say she left her email open(?) or that you guessed her password... (she will change it undoubtedly, but you can still keep an eye on what she is Really up to behind your back). You absolutely MUST give her negative and dramatic consequences for her decision/choices to cheat... NOW... if you don't... it's a done deal -- she will get away with it scott free and continue to screw behind your back. You will be miserable, and powerless.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I recently made inquiries about a divorce lawyer... in the States... he wanted a Retainer of $7000.00, but our kids are older than 18 and yours are young and need custody issues sorted out legally, so your divorce will probably cost a lot more. However, perhaps you could go down to Town Hall and get the papers drawn up to have her served? Before you retain a lawyer? I don't know if you can file on your own without a lawyer to represent each party, but I was thinking that it might 'shock' her into reality of what she stands to lose (and that you are serious) without having to pay thousands of dollars up front. Go find out at the local town hall, or make some telephone inquiries...
PhoenixRise Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think you need to confront her. Now. Get a sitter find someone to keep the kids for a few hours or overnight and Confront her. Don't let her turn it around on you and blame you for spying don't let her talk you into believing her word over what you saw with your own eyes. Tell her if she wants to stay in the marriage she needs to end the affair and go NC. Contact the other man's wife. Tell her what is going on. If you wife refuses to fess up and take responsibility for the affair expose it to everyone who knows her. There must be immediate negative consequences if you hope to save your marriage. The affair must meet reality.
BUENG1 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 For some weird reason I feel guilty for having installed the keylogger to get the information I have. Silly I know but that is how I feel. I guess I do have a chance at the upper hand, it is just whether I confront before she goes away or simply present her with papers when she returns as the jolt she may need. Downside to that is I guess things could progress with the guy while she is over there. If she did not come back I know I can get an emergency order from the family court to get the kids back - her taking them without consent is almost like kidnapping. What a bloody mess. I want to work things out but don't seem to see a way forward. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the candid responses. I'd see a lawyer(before you confront her) and see what he or she says about how you should proceed. You can also ask how much damage it will do to your case( for custody I presume) to wait and see if you can reconcile. Though if you just don't want to reconcile the point is mute. Though if you are given some sort of joint(or shared I'm not sure the difference) custody, I don't think she can just take the kids across the country without your consent(though I'm not sure about this, you should ask the lawyer.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Have you considered mentioning this to the OM's wife??
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Why are you letting your wife go away on holiday when it means she is going to screw another man? Don't you want to prevent it? Or are you finished with your marriage? If you want to give your marriage another shot, you need to confront her with what you know. You say you are guilty about snooping on her? Ha ha... that's funny, because you are going to see that she is NOT feeling guilty for setting up a tryst behind your back. Listen, you must confront her. You must also get ahold of OM's wife to tell her what you know. She needs to reign in OM while you figure out your relationship with your wife. Your wife will not be thinking straight at this point... it's like a hungry person with their eyes on a hot meal... so you have to blindside her into reality... there's much to be said for including some family members and friends into helping you give her a much-needed Wake-Up call! Don't feel guilty about spying on her... your gut instinct was telling you she was up to no good and you did what you had to do to find out the truth... that is the only way you stood a chance of stopping her in her tracks.. who knows, she might be grateful in the future... If you don't want to give your source away, then do not tell her about the keylogger... say she left her email open(?) or that you guessed her password... (she will change it undoubtedly, but you can still keep an eye on what she is Really up to behind your back). You absolutely MUST give her negative and dramatic consequences for her decision/choices to cheat... NOW... if you don't... it's a done deal -- she will get away with it scott free and continue to screw behind your back. You will be miserable, and powerless. Athena's on the money here. You MUST confront her before she goes. I would tell her you KNOW she's set up a new email account and she's still in contact with OM. Don't go into specifics on how you know, but you know and you have proof. Then tell her she has two options. 1. If she goes on her trip, your marriage is over and you are filing for divorce, no if's and's or but's about it. 2. She can come clean about everything that's been going on, and fully commit to fixing your marriage. There are no other options, she must choose; you and your marriage, or the OM. If she decides on option #1, while she's gone pack all her items, put them in storage, and change the locks on your home. She is no longer welcome here. If she decides on option 2, then; A. She ends all contact with OM and sends him a NC Email. Watch her send this to him. B. She is fully transparent, access to cell phones, emails ect. C. IC and joint marriage counseling to fix the issues which led to this, (even though this is not your fault, she made this choice, you had no say in it) This is going to suck and will be the hardest thing you ever did. But you need to stand up and fight for your marriage and family. Oh, I almost forgot, if the OM is married, contact his wife and let her know what's going on. I'll almost bet the farm that when his wife puts the smackdown on him, he'll throw your wife under the bus.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 There are more complications, maybe factors I guess in maybe why this happened or maybe I am over analyzing. Wife is currently being diagnosed with MS or some other similar life changing condition. His wife has a prescription drug dependency issue. Telling his wife could lead to actions from her that I could not deal with should something terrible happen. It is all a pretty messed up situation. What is an NC email?
jasminetea Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 If your wife is going through such a traumatic illness and diagnosis, it could well lead her to act out of character. Not, I repeat, NOT that that excuses her affair. However, it could help you if you know what's a contributory factor. Do you know for sure that the OM's wife has this drug issue? Or is it just an excuse the OM is using to not leave her for your wife? You are not responsible for any fallout there may be if you tell the OM's wife, he and your wife should've thought of that before embarking on this. However, if you do as Seibert and Athena say and confront her before she goes, you can make it clear that you will be contacting the OM's wife so they can get any contingencies in place for her. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row as far as evidence of their affair goes so they can't gaslight her and diminish your credibility. I'm another vote for confronting her before she leaves. If you mention the keylogger, prepare for her to use 'spying' and 'no privacy' as a way of trying to divert attention. Do not be swayed, but stick to the facts of her cheating and lying. NC - means No Contact. Good luck
Author unhappychappy Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I know the issue is true and the OM (I am getting the acronyms now!) has every intention of leaving his wife at some point as I presume my wife has the intention to leave me. I don't know if I can save the relationship, I want to. I do not want to just be in it for the kids either. I am from a broken home too so know only too well how things can turn out. The divorce laws state that we need a year separation in this state before we can file for divorce. As for kicking her to the kerb as some have suggested I doubt how that could ever help my case with regards to any form of agreeable solution either custody, property, finance, etc. I am trying to think bigger picture and not lash out, I need to protect my kids and my own interests. Thanks for all the advice so far.
jasminetea Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Ok, so it would seem that the best course of action is to talk to her before she goes away. How do you feel about that? Also, how do you know these things about the OM? Excuse me asking, but it often seems that we know the facts when it turns out we were being fed a story from one end or another.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I am going to talk to her before she goes away and tell her not to contact him (not that I can probably verify) but she is there to see family first and foremost. I might even keep the kids here if she won't agree. I am thinking about forcing the issue with the other wife - the resulting actions worry me but I can at least use it as leverage if needs be. If I find she sees him after promising not then she finds another place to live. I think that is probably the way it has to be, guess we see how it all plays out. I am not the worlds strongest person emotionally so this is tough going without more confrontation. Thanks Jasminetea
jasminetea Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Ok, that's cool. Have you considered actually asking her to not go at all? Or telling her you need to go with her? As trust has been broken and if you both want to work things out, you need to be a position where temptation and suspicions can't be raised at all. If she goes and she goes on her own, you will never be sure she didn't see him.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 We are all going away for a few days soon before her trip. Going to try and make it as positive as possible with us as a family so if she (with or without the kids) goes at least I had a last ditch attempt to try and improve things/prove us as a family (maybe I am deluded!) After a talk before she goes I will assess I think from there my next moves.
mark982 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 i'd do like stamp daddy says, have lawyers have paper work in place before she leaves the state that she can not take kids outta state,going to be really tuff to get kids back"after" they're gone. if that's her intention is to stay where om lives.
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