ON MY OWN Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I have just come out of a year and a half relationship. He proposed to me and wanted me to be the mother of his children as the biological mother had abandoned them to live a life of being with men who had rap sheets that couldn’t be trusted around young girls and a life of theft. She was addicted to pain pills for years and when given the choice ,she chose a man over her 3 beautiful children. I do not have any children and came to fall in love with the kids. It took an adjustment period which i was constantly judged by him and his best friend as to the exact adjustment period of time when my counselor told me going from no kids to three, i had to get used to four people, getting used to my fiance and all that , you cant put a time limit on it. They once even asked me how many months i thought was reasonable. How can anyone put a time limit on that? The longer time went on i started to see the man that claimed to be laid back ultimately was not as laid back as he said. He was very good at holding things in and sweeping things under the rug because it was the easier way to take. He started to say i was too uptight and tense. This was because i wanted discipline and some order in the house. His kids i came to see were not used to having any rules at all and the minimal amount of discipline one could get away with to scrape by with. I grew so close to the 7 year old, we would often talk of how we would be close and share things, such as clothes and makeup as we grew older, she came to call me mommy, god did that warm my heart to the point of no return. The angel used to always say she was glad i was the girlfriend who stuck around and she loved me. He would tell her we were going to get married and she had said on numerous occasions that she wanted to be the flower girl for daddys and mommys wedding and would often talk about how excited she was to see me in my wedding dress. The other 2 were great too. One of them lived w another relative and would often come to visit and we bonded also. I had to search for different ways to bond with each child and made a great effort to do this as marriage and commitment and the family is most important to me. The older one had a number of pschycological and behavioral problems as well and i tried to offer guidance and suggestions. I found myself with anxiety over his family coming by the house after not too long as they were extremely cold hearted and judgemental. I was mortified wondering if there was a dish too many in the sink or if the house was not picked up enough at any given point. They never picked up after themselves. Whenever i asked for it, just for a little help, my ideas were shot down, or talked about and put on the back burner only to find the same stuff would continue. He went to a counselor once after i left for them to tell him he should take a break from being with anyone because he was looking for someone to fix any problems in his life. My counselor that i saw after we split up said these were more about his issues and i didn’t fit the pattern of needy, submissive women he had been with in the past that he stated hated or didn’t want to talk to the kids. That’s why he sabatogued it. He ended up finding plenty of faults with my way of wanting to provide guidance and stability to these beautiful kids. It was his way or no way. He quit me. I often worry about the emotional status of the youngest as she has haad two women abandon her now. If i try saying anything to him he says im abusive to him and trying to guilt him and he ends up feeling bad after we talk. I am not mistaking this for a truth hurts scenario. It has been so hard to get over these kids, the baby the hardest. It has felt hard to hear that after my wedding ring that he just bought and paid for returned, resized to put one on a girl he met a month ago. He is what i perceive as the type of person that cant be alone and people are easily disposable in his families way of thinking. How horrific this is to me as i come from a very loving, give the shirt off your back, help the underdog, take marriage and commitment very seriously type of family. What i am looking for is ppls thoughts on the situation, and things that may help me get past this quicker. I have come a long way already and just looking to heal the little bit of the rest of the way i have yet to go. If anyone has had anything remotely the same happen please share as i think that would help in its own way to. Thanks for reading and the best of luck to you in life and love!! I am still a believer, wont let him get the best of me just trying to work to be truly past all this with the kids being the hardest part of it as he has cut off all communication as it may confuse the youngest and he doesn’t want to confuse her. I know its selfish on his part and just has to do with his new fiance. He has told me he doesn’t expect me to understand any of it.
r0xigirll991 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Oh dear, I wish I could be more of a help to you as I am going through something some what similar, but to tell you the truth I've had only one boyfriend and am only seventeen. I don't know that much.. I am very new to serious relationships and have much to learn and how to cope... As of today I've shut out all thoughts of my ex-boyfriend hooking up with my ex-best friend. I won't even believe such a thing happened to me. I won't let it affect me, I won't let them get the satisfaction of getting the best of me. Yeah, I know it's ****ed up, but I've felt alright today. I heard somewhere that exercise is scientifically proven to help people get over a break up faster.. I hate exercise, but if it can help the emotional pain I deal with everyday, then why not? and I think the best thing to do is try your hardest to forget about them... Get rid of everything that reminds you of them. I can't even imagine what your going through, since it seems like your losing FOUR people you truly loved... And I know how it feels to get thrown away like that! Its the worst feeling ever. But if you can't remember them, then it doesn't hurt as much... Probably my best advice for you is to read all the other posts... They have been pretty helpful for me... Honestly I wish I could help and make you feel better. Just know that I am here too! and I am an active member Also I got my ear pierced, went shopping, and got a haircut. it helped me feel a lil better...
hoping2heal Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Wow that's really heartbreaking. I don't know much on this from personal experience, however there are a few things I can see. Firstly, you have a right to want order and stability in your life, and if a man is going to look down on you for that, or get rid of you and switch you for someone else, I think the answer is evident this is not the right situation to be in. My heart goes out to the children, they don't seem to have anyone looking out for their best interest, everyone is just "doing what's easy" and that's not going to benefit them much in life unfortunately. I think mourning the children is normal, and that's all you can do. My condolences for your loss.
Author ON MY OWN Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thank you "Roxi", You sound like a very sweet and caring person. I appreciate your words of kindness. They are truly helpful. You do have good advice also. I am personally glad you are feeling better. The cold hard truth is people are disposable to some people. They dont deserve our time, as it is truly wasted when they really could care less as there is always going to be someone to "play" with. Thank you sweetie, and I pray for your healing as well. You seem that you are a person with a good heart that deserves a person like yourself in return to treat it with the care you deserve.
Author ON MY OWN Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thank you kindly "Hoping2heal". Your empathy is sincerly appreciated and helps in my healing process that is definitely well underway now, but has a still a bit of a way to go. I appreciate the thoughts on this and the sympathy. Even though you dont have the experience, it has helped and I would encourage more ppl to do this. An understanding and compassionate heart can always help someone out there in pain. I wish you the best in life and love. Thanks for caring and taking the time to resond. Everything is helpful in the healing process.
LisaUk Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Hi, finally found your thread, not sure what has happened here? You were engaged to a man with 3 children for 1 and a half years? Who left who?
Lyssa Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 First of all, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. It must be very hard for you. I don't think what happened to me came close to what you're going through but reading your thread, made me think about my last relationship. At that time, I thought it was the best relationship I've ever had and it broke my heart to pieces when he broke up with me. He didn't even give me a reason - well, he did but deep down, I knew he lied about the reason. True enough, months later I found out that he broke it off because his mother had a change of heart about me. That made me realise that he wasn't the man I thought he was. He didn't have a backbone to admit to his mother that things were great between us, he didn't even fight for our love. Like I said, what happened to me wasn't the same but I want you to know that, I thought I'd never heal from it. I thought that was it - I'd never find love again but oh boy! was I wrong!! Now, I have found THE man and also, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. At times, I can't help thinking how I'd cope if things didn't work out as I've gotten really close to his 2 children. You are healing and you will heal fully in time. A person that jumps from one relationship to another isn't the type of person that you want to be - they are not emotionally stable so it's a blessing in disguise that things did not work out between you two. You sound like a very nice woman and I am sure there will be THE man for you!
Author ON MY OWN Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 Hi, finally found your thread, not sure what has happened here? You were engaged to a man with 3 children for 1 and a half years? Who left who? Im glad you found it. He broke it off with me. He would play the going back and forth game which I have never done like he did before so I didnt realize what was happening until I was able to look at it from a more objective view. He pretty much is getting married in September like WE had planned to another girl he just met 2 months ago. I am guessing she is pregnant or something, because why the rush? His best friend who is male doesnt understand it either. Very bizarre. I think he is more bizarre than I ever realized. Love IS blind I guess. If you want to know anymore, please feel free to ask. My heart was really put through the ringer on this, but is beginning to heal on a positive note and am feeling much better than a few weeks ago even. Thanks!!!
Author ON MY OWN Posted June 30, 2009 Author Posted June 30, 2009 First of all, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. It must be very hard for you. I don't think what happened to me came close to what you're going through but reading your thread, made me think about my last relationship. At that time, I thought it was the best relationship I've ever had and it broke my heart to pieces when he broke up with me. He didn't even give me a reason - well, he did but deep down, I knew he lied about the reason. True enough, months later I found out that he broke it off because his mother had a change of heart about me. That made me realise that he wasn't the man I thought he was. He didn't have a backbone to admit to his mother that things were great between us, he didn't even fight for our love. Like I said, what happened to me wasn't the same but I want you to know that, I thought I'd never heal from it. I thought that was it - I'd never find love again but oh boy! was I wrong!! Now, I have found THE man and also, this is the best relationship I've ever been in. At times, I can't help thinking how I'd cope if things didn't work out as I've gotten really close to his 2 children. You are healing and you will heal fully in time. A person that jumps from one relationship to another isn't the type of person that you want to be - they are not emotionally stable so it's a blessing in disguise that things did not work out between you two. You sound like a very nice woman and I am sure there will be THE man for you! Thank you LYSSA for your wonderful and kind words. It is music to my ears that someone has went through something like that, although unfortunate. He never fought for me when the opportunity presented itself either which always was a concern of mine. Yes, I know there is definitely someone who is more stable and confident in himself. I miss the kids more than anything, and I have no rights. However, they will always be in my heart. Noone can take that away. He robbed his kids of joy and confused them even more, he is constantly uprooting their lives for his selfish reasons. Long behold, I DONT ever want him back. A friend of mine told me its like your driving a car, the rearview mirror is there, but dont ever look back....only look forward...I like that analogy. Congratulations on your relationship. I am glad you found someone who treats you how you deserve. I am glad to be alone for the time being, I am content with who I am and want to focus on me for a while. I know Mr. Right 4 me is waiting in the wings for when the time is perfect for both of us. I came out of this knowing I always did right by him. Funny thing is my ex did karate for many years, obviously he doesnt practice what he preaches on honor and the like. Best of luck to you and may you and your new family become closer and closer every day and share the love we as human beings were meant to share.
Lyssa Posted June 30, 2009 Posted June 30, 2009 Thank you LYSSA for your wonderful and kind words. It is music to my ears that someone has went through something like that, although unfortunate. He never fought for me when the opportunity presented itself either which always was a concern of mine. Yes, I know there is definitely someone who is more stable and confident in himself. I miss the kids more than anything, and I have no rights. However, they will always be in my heart. Noone can take that away. He robbed his kids of joy and confused them even more, he is constantly uprooting their lives for his selfish reasons. Long behold, I DONT ever want him back. A friend of mine told me its like your driving a car, the rearview mirror is there, but dont ever look back....only look forward...I like that analogy. No need to thank me, OMO. Was happy to share my past with you. When he didn't fight for us, I knew I wouldn't want to be with him. He wasn't man enough for me. It must be hard for you - to be away from the kids after forging a bond with them. Your friend is right! Don't ever look back. My ex asked me back but he said we should start of without telling his family first - I laughed at him, how is that suppose to work? Congratulations on your relationship. I am glad you found someone who treats you how you deserve. I am glad to be alone for the time being, I am content with who I am and want to focus on me for a while. I know Mr. Right 4 me is waiting in the wings for when the time is perfect for both of us. I came out of this knowing I always did right by him. Funny thing is my ex did karate for many years, obviously he doesnt practice what he preaches on honor and the like. Thank you! Trust me, I went through a lot of bad dates before I met my fiance. Although the way we met was not how I'd like it to be, it was worth it. He showed me what a real man is and continues to do so. It's good that you're content with who you are now - that's the way it should be. I believe in focusing on yourself first before getting back into the dating scene. Best of luck to you and may you and your new family become closer and closer every day and share the love we as human beings were meant to share. Thanks for your kind wishes, OMO. That means a lot to me. I wish you all the best too!
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