Successfully got back together but now it's time to step off the rollercoaster

[wmast]

Ok guys, I'm back. Please acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them.

 

It has been a year+ since my life was completely turned upside down. My ex and I were planning our wedding and she just walked out. Not only did she walk out, it was with another guy! (If you have the time you can go back and read through my old threads).

 

I spent the 1st few months in utter pain. If you are @ LS you know the pain I speak of. I didn't know about NC so I stayed in contact with her, pleading, begging, rationalizing. Nothing worked. She was caught up in fantasy land. She lied to me about her new bf; said that she just needed time to think things out in her mind. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. What ensued were months and months of being strung along. I should have cut her out completely (and I did at times) but to be blunt, I was TOO WEAK.

 

She would tell me that she was coming back to me but she never did. She would say that she COULDN'T because she felt STUCK in her new relationship. Like an IDIOT I bought into the lies. I gave her the "go ahead" to play me. I actually told her, "well when you're done just call me and we'll see what happens". Like a fool I gave her the BIG FAT OK to keep it up.

 

I finally found LS and was able to LEARN. I learned the importance of NC. I started immediately! Ignoring her calls/ texts/ emails... I didn't budge. I healed up really quick. I loved her like crazy but I realized that I didn't NEED her as I thought I did. I learned to let go.

 

Then she contacted me saying that she finally left the guy, she made the biggest mistake of her life, and she truly wanted me back. I gave in, we started talking again and all seemed to be turning around. That's until I found out she was talking to the guy still! What a fool I was! I can't believe I got played again! You would have thought I was smart enough to leave it alone and not fall for her crap right? NOPE!

 

I still kept in touch with her. What a fool. Love blinded me. I honestly believed that she had issues and that I could be there for her. I let her tears turn me into a fool! But lo and behold, she finally cut the guy out, and we were on our way to repairing things. We spent countless hours rehashing the events of the past year. Lots of tears were shed. Lots of reality checks. We moved past it all. Things were great! The open communication between us really turned things around.

 

This was my dream and I'm pretty sure the dream of everyone who gets their heart broken. After 9 months, I finally got her back! This girl was the love of my life... I just chalked it up to it being a BUNCH of blunders on her part and that in time we could get over it. I can't say that things were perfect but they were getting there.

 

Now unfortunately this didn't last. We were back together for about 4 months and I started noticing a change in her demeanor. She started putting me off for other things i.e. "friends, sleep, etc.." I found myself becoming super insecure and IT SHOWED! Big mistake! I tried talking to her about it but she closed off again. This time I promised myself that I would not allow her to string me along again and I'm happy to say that I didn't. I told her that I was tired of the back and forth. One day she loved me, the next day she was unsure. I couldn't put up with it any longer. I tried to break it off with her. IMAGINE THAT! ME! I tried to break it off with her. But she would cry and say that she loves me and that she would change.

This change never came!

 

So this weekend we were supposed to go out and once again, I never received a call, I never heard anything from her. I contacted her, told her I was done and THIS TIME I MEAN IT! lol, what a rollercoaster! But the ride is over. There's no going back now. I put up with the lies, the disrespect, the hurt, the fact that she slept with another guy! I put up with it all and forgave. But there has to be a point where you say "enough is enough". And I reached that point! I began fearing a future with her as opposed to being super optimistic about it. What if I married her!? She would be back and forth. This is an unstable person (atleast with me) and I need stability. I'd rather be alone that be with someone and still be alone. For the past few months I've felt alone! I changed so much, I took all of my past negatives and turned them around. But she did not change at all! She still remained selfish, still wanting everything to go her way. Now that she's gone I feel a sense of relief. I know I went OVER AND BEYOND and it wasn't enough for her. This time I walk away with no regrets.

 

So here is my conclusion:

 

-There's no way to tell if someone will come back to you. If the bond was strong enough and there was true love I believe they will.

-NC is VITAL! NC allows you to distance yourself and reassess life altogether. I wish I only stuck to it. If someone walks out on you there's no reason to be there for them when they need you. When I was dying, when I was crying, when I was in pain.. Where was she? NC allows you to be selfish. Selfishness to heal is a GOOD thing!

-If you do get the person back, you have to set rules and if those rules are "broken" you have to stick to your guns and leave. I've found that while people may claim to love you, they are inherently selfish and they will keep taking and taking. You must learn when to say "I'VE HAD ENOUGH" and walk away with your head high knowing you've given your all.

 

Best of luck to all!

[sacg]

Wow man, that was almost like reliving my ****, to the bloody day! Ive been through almost the identical **** you write about, and only just now letting go for real almost a year later.

 

For me, that was one of the most beneficial and well written threads ive taken in on here.

 

Well done mate, chin up, and you will make a great girl very happy one day soon.

 

Sorry it took us all this pain and crap to get to this point.

[SweetyBear]

Thanks for sharing your story! It helps a lot to know that getting back together may not be for the best no matter if it feels like the only thing that will make life okay again. I have been having such a tough time, but people like you, CaliGuy and others have shown me the light as far as what I need to do for myself and not to waste time on someone who doesn't want to be with me.

[wmast]

Thanks for sharing your story! It helps a lot to know that getting back together may not be for the best no matter if it feels like the only thing that will make life okay again. I have been having such a tough time, but people like you, CaliGuy and others have shown me the light as far as what I need to do for myself and not to waste time on someone who doesn't want to be with me.

 

I know how hard it is but TRUST that it does get better. I wanted nothing more in this world to be with this girl. I finally got her back and everything was good but then when you notice the same signs as before, there's no point in staying on the ride. There's no point in going through the hurt all over again. Again, I love this girl, I believe some part of me always will... But I do not love the person she has become. I don't know your situation but IT WILL get better. A year ago I couldn't eat or sleep. I would wake up in tears, pillows drenched (apparently you can cry in your sleep.. definitely not good!). Now I'm ok. I know that I gave it my all. I went over my faults with a fine toothed comb and corrected them. Too bad she didn't do the same.

[wanjirum]

This is one of the best posts I have read, in depth and very objective. I have a Q. about NC ... I was NC with my ex for 70 + and he just recently contacted me, well how do you know what to do after NC ??? Slightly confused ... please read my thread and tell me what you think (it is tittled should I break NC or what to do after NC) ???

[wmast]

And guess what I get this morning after NC since Saturday.. An email from her spilling out her heart and apologizing for being so distant. See how the rollercoaster WOULD continue if I don't stop it? I could easily email her back professing my love, my hopes for the future, my expectations, etc.. But to what end? I've been here before! I've received this kind of email from her and nothing changes! I would want nothing more than to be with her. BUT the OLD her, NOT this new her. So NC is the only way! It's the only way to get off and STAY off of the ride

[Soul Bear]

This is a really sad story

[wmast]

This is a really sad story

 

Yup. Very sad indeed. It hurts because I want the person so bad but I know she's toxic for me. I just need it to go away completely but it's hard when the "drug" is being dangled in your face time and time again

[LukeC]

wmast !!

 

I just know how much of a decent and respectfull person you are from what i've read so i just thought i'd tell you that first!

 

I'm not sure why probably just a gut instinct but I really think you did the right thing by getting back with her and trying to make another go of things.. and even though it didn't work out you know the reasons why!

 

Because she's changed didn't have time for you, her emotions changed frequently ect ect..! And if you hadn't of got back you might of been living in regret!

 

Now you don't have to there are no regrets you did all you could BIG HUGE MASSIVE REEEESPECT to YOU SIR :] You're my idol for today only ;]!

 

Luke :] x

[wmast]

Just got another email from her. I really don't know...

 

William, i love you so very much, ive always felt that we were soulmates and brought together for a reason, which is another reason why i feel like although we've separated many times we always find our way back to each other. my dad told me about him giving you his blessings to marry me too, and that just melted my heart. it meant just as much to me. im sorry ive been a bitch, sry ive been a time bomb, sorry ive been so cold and mean to you, you dont deserve it at all whatsoever!!! ive always and still do want what youve wanted, that christian based loving family. what more could i have asked for? i know im so lost within myself, and i pray daily to find my way back to the old me and an even better me. i kno im far from perfect and i kno im not myself. i want to be badly though. i want to be that fun loving smiling good hearted me again, i just have to have the patience to get there again. and i dont refuse to make you happy, i want to make you happy, im just lost right now. and youve been more than patient with me time after time. i really cant ask for any more from you. u have given me you all. and i abused it. you say in your heart you feel that i cant give you the things youve asked for and that i cant change, but i believe i still can. its in me, it always was then, it can still be now. idk what else to say Will....you mean the world to me. just remember one last thing, something youve always practiced thus far,....."love keeps no record of wrongs.....it never fails"......

 

 

I dont get it... Like is she crazy or is she playing with me? I mean I try not to care but these emails don't help...

Any insight?

[BearPower]

yeah she wants you back...remember how you felt when she rejected you? remember all the things you were willing to work on?

 

So what ya gonna do Will?

 

If you want this girl back, then respond. tell her she can come and talk to you if she has anything she wants to say, but you will not communicate through email. Then you can judge by her actions....

 

SoulBear

[LukeC]

William! Tell her if she'd like to come round for a chat that she can.... that way you can sence her emotions and be more sure of how she is feeling about you! If she makes the effort to come see you this will result in a get back together (from previous experience)

 

Otherwise think seriously and ask yourself if you deserve better?

 

If so NC as hard as it may be!

 

Either way take at least a day to think about it before replying!

 

I guess i'm saying this because i want to give you hope like other people have given me, take my comments as you wish infact i'd say try not to be influenced so much by other peoples comments! Make a decision yourself, you admit your weak ! So try and 'man-up' for lack of a better word! Women like decisive men fact fact fact so make that decision and never regret it :]

 

All the best!

 

Luke

[BCCA]

William, she sounds extremely selfish and manipulative, but Im sure you realized that by now. Sounds a lot like my ex, she would like to give and take and be a good girlfriend, but she's 'just lost right now'. BS

 

Dude, she just wants you back on the ride. I really get annoyed when I see this crap, because I went through it myself, and its so unfair. Now, are you really supposed to just give her another chance, when shes shown several times what shes going to do? And read carefully, what exactly is she going to do? 'Pray'? Give me a break, shes not going to do a damn thing, she just wants someone around that she knows cares.

 

I wouldnt even respond to this. I know its hard, I had to do it, too. Its the only choice you have, though. Otherwise, you're always going to be unsure of her intentions and you'll be living in fear of her leaving you. Dont go for it man, there are other girls out there.

[BackonTrack2]

I don't even know how to respond to this tread.

 

In the end, when I found out she was cheating, I attempted to break up with her but I couldn't do it. She kept begging and calling and emailing, just getting under my skin, forcing me to talk to her and when I finally did, she was sad at first but grew cocky and really started to treat me like ****.

 

One night on the phone was the final draw, she said "I need space", I knew what that meant. She wasn't coming back, she had moved pass me sexually. She was thinking about someone else. I realized this, then I fired her. I think in my heart I knew it was over and it felt so GOOD. I was in the clear.

 

About a week later, I went back for her, that was a big mistake. She ended up basically breaking my world to pieces with her words. While this is going on, my family is trying to get us back together and my mother, she just made things worst, she called the girl on her birthday and foolishly, I called the girl that same night on bad advice. Ofcourse this brought me back to day and I embarrassed myself.

 

After that night, I said I would never contact her again, long behold, about 2 weeks later, she calls a family friend and tell lies, why I don't know. That didn't make sense. She then states she is in a serious relationship.

 

About 4 or 5 months later, I texted her. No response. That was about 6 months ago. Been NC about 14 months now. I've pretty much moved on. In the end, the memories are still there. I am not bitter but I remember.

 

The way I rationalize it to myself is, "She was a young whore, not defined and didn't know what she wanted from life. I was a foolish male who didn't understand the sign(s) of a whoreish female who was becoming unhappy "

 

The sad part is: I made life decision(s) based on us being together, those decision(s) set me back 4 or 5 years.

 

The aftermath was brutal. Lost a good amount of money, a business, a life, a wife, an apartment, a car and my mind went into a hole for about a year.

 

That pretty little girl, was getting fawked and sucking cock. She only came around for the money.

 

In the end, I blame myself.

[LukeC]

BT2 does know what he's on about.