tinklebell Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I just heard from a friend yesterday that she's currently dating a few guys. I'm having a semi-drought. She said I have too many restrictions on who I date and said that her guys are all different from each other. I don't have terribly high standards but there are some I wouldn't want to compromise, like I don't date smokers or engage in long-distance relationships (been there, done that). She doesn't mind hooking up with guys just like that. I mind. From what she told me, the guys aren't exactly treating her terribly well (no talk of exclusivity or moving in that direction). I don't want to date randomly for the sake of dating. But I don't know which is "better." Her way or mine? You guys are probably going to tell me that there's no better way but it depends on the individuals. But I want to know or learn so that I can date more. I don't have problems getting second and so forth dates but I don't just meet guys and have them ask me out. She seems to be doing something right that guys would ask her out. Since friends say I look better than her (no, I'm not being bitchy) so I can only think of body language. Girls and guys, any advice? Thanks. Girls, would you go her way or mine? What are your experiences? Any stories to share?
start-fresh Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think this comes down to a personal preference thing. I've never really been into 'dating' where I am continuously seeing different people until something sticks. I tend to invest more into one person at a time. That's probably not the best though as I tend to have longer dry spells that way. Overall, I think dating is a numbers game so the more people you see the more likely you are to find something that works for you. You just have to be careful not to get the 'grass is greener' syndrome and start nexting worthy guys because you have so many options.
Author tinklebell Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I think this comes down to a personal preference thing. I've never really been into 'dating' where I am continuously seeing different people until something sticks. I tend to invest more into one person at a time. That's probably not the best though as I tend to have longer dry spells that way. Overall, I think dating is a numbers game so the more people you see the more likely you are to find something that works for you. You just have to be careful not to get the 'grass is greener' syndrome and start nexting worthy guys because you have so many options. It's a numbers game and that's why I think her way may be "better" though I don't prefer it. Any other inputs? Anyone?
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 OP, endeavor to expand the potentials within your preference range. Purposely involve yourself in social and activity circles which bring you into contact with men who fit *your* preferences. You need to be proactive. Second, are you emotionally closed? Are you thinking and analyzing this, rather than feeling it? If you are, men sense this. I can feel when a woman is receptive to me as a person (not romantically) and, if she's not (it feels like a hand shoved into my chest), I lose interest in interacting with her, hence would not develop any attraction nor interest. If you're looking for long-term, you'll likely want a guy who connects with you, beyond sexual attraction, so bear your own signals in mind. Hope that helps!
Author tinklebell Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 OP, endeavor to expand the potentials within your preference range. Purposely involve yourself in social and activity circles which bring you into contact with men who fit *your* preferences. You need to be proactive. Second, are you emotionally closed? Are you thinking and analyzing this, rather than feeling it? If you are, men sense this. I can feel when a woman is receptive to me as a person (not romantically) and, if she's not (it feels like a hand shoved into my chest), I lose interest in interacting with her, hence would not develop any attraction nor interest. If you're looking for long-term, you'll likely want a guy who connects with you, beyond sexual attraction, so bear your own signals in mind. Hope that helps! Thanks, carhill. So you really agree that it's a numbers game? While I agree in principle, sometimes I can't help but think someone can be dating a million people, they might not nail anyone down, no? What do you mean by emotionally closed and analyzing THIS? I'm not sure what THIS is. I'm a rather friendly person and quite witty conversationalist (when I'm in the mood, that is). I have no problems keeping a guy interested at the early stage of dating. The problem is getting him in the first place.
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 My wife called it "masking". She used it to describe others, even myself, but it didn't occur to me until much later that she was projecting her own perspective outward. When you're interacting with men, not dating, are you consciously aware of yourself, your words, your actions and are you scrutinizing and analyzing them? Do you have a running dialogue in your mind about how such things are perceived by others? Do you wonder if others are experiencing who you are or does the mirror of the discourse disagree with your internal image? IME and IMO all of this sends out signals through our body language and other methods which are hard to quantify (as difficult perhaps as why one person is attractive to us and another is not) and people receive those signals and form a perception of you. I gave one example above, where I felt like someone had their arm straight out into my chest, essentially saying "stay away", where with another person I might feel their arms outreached, embracing me (not in reality but rather "signals"). Does this sound like over-analysis? Sure! IMO, it's part of the introspective process necessary for emotional and spiritual growth. Since you ask why you have difficulty attracting men to date, something I also experienced as a younger person (except with women), I thought I'd share some ideas which worked for me. The problem now is to properly direct that energy and keep it away from the married ladies
Habeas Corpse Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I just heard from a friend yesterday that she's currently dating a few guys. I'm having a semi-drought. She said I have too many restrictions on who I date and said that her guys are all different from each other. I don't have terribly high standards but there are some I wouldn't want to compromise, like I don't date smokers or engage in long-distance relationships (been there, done that). She doesn't mind hooking up with guys just like that. I mind. From what she told me, the guys aren't exactly treating her terribly well (no talk of exclusivity or moving in that direction). I don't want to date randomly for the sake of dating. But I don't know which is "better." Her way or mine? You guys are probably going to tell me that there's no better way but it depends on the individuals. But I want to know or learn so that I can date more. I don't have problems getting second and so forth dates but I don't just meet guys and have them ask me out. She seems to be doing something right that guys would ask her out. Since friends say I look better than her (no, I'm not being bitchy) so I can only think of body language. Girls and guys, any advice? Thanks. Girls, would you go her way or mine? What are your experiences? Any stories to share? She's probably better at communicating her interest than you are. You got to strike a balance between whore and prude. You don't want anyone thinking you're a whore but guys don't want to be barking up the wrong tree. That's a waste of time. Strike a right balance. See what your friend does when she is around men she likes. You have to at least express some interest.
Author tinklebell Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 When you're interacting with men, not dating, are you consciously aware of yourself, your words, your actions and are you scrutinizing and analyzing them? Do you have a running dialogue in your mind about how such things are perceived by others? Do you wonder if others are experiencing who you are or does the mirror of the discourse disagree with your internal image? IME and IMO all of this sends out signals through our body language and other methods which are hard to quantify (as difficult perhaps as why one person is attractive to us and another is not) and people receive those signals and form a perception of you. I gave one example above, where I felt like someone had their arm straight out into my chest, essentially saying "stay away", where with another person I might feel their arms outreached, embracing me (not in reality but rather "signals"). Does this sound like over-analysis? Sure! IMO, it's part of the introspective process necessary for emotional and spiritual growth. Since you ask why you have difficulty attracting men to date, something I also experienced as a younger person (except with women), I thought I'd share some ideas which worked for me. The problem now is to properly direct that energy and keep it away from the married ladies I don't analyze how I'm while interacting with guys, or at least I don't think so. I can be quite aloof sometimes but those times I know not to expect too much. Other times when I'm being myself and friendly, I don't seem to get much either. So what works for you is not to overthink how you come across but just be yourself?
Author tinklebell Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 She's probably better at communicating her interest than you are. You got to strike a balance between whore and prude. You don't want anyone thinking you're a whore but guys don't want to be barking up the wrong tree. That's a waste of time. Strike a right balance. See what your friend does when she is around men she likes. You have to at least express some interest. I wouldn't be surprised if she is better at communicating her interest. I haven't seen her around men she likes much but when we interact with friends, I didn't think she was doing anything "special." Maybe it's also some vibe she projects. I don't want to come across as easy (she did mention that the guys she went out with aren't necessarily those looking for long-term relationships) but you're right, some interest shown is necessary.
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 So what works for you is not to overthink how you come across but just be yourself? I've found, quite by accident, that projecting more of a raw emotional signal seems to garner more attention from women. When I make eye contact with them and interact, I'm not calculating or analyzing them (their looks, attractiveness, intelligence, etc) but rather experiencing how I feel with them, and letting those signals out.
norajane Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It's quality vs. quantity. Some people prefer one over the other when it comes to dating. I have a friend like you. She dates constantly, and I date more selectively. However, we are two different personality types. She likes going out on dates all the time, even if the guys suck, simply because she really likes going out. Whereas I cannot enjoy myself on a date if the guy sucks, so it's not worth it to me to go out with someone if I don't think I'd enjoy their company. We're both still single, so I can't speak to the effectiveness of either method!
Author tinklebell Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 I've found, quite by accident, that projecting more of a raw emotional signal seems to garner more attention from women. When I make eye contact with them and interact, I'm not calculating or analyzing them (their looks, attractiveness, intelligence, etc) but rather experiencing how I feel with them, and letting those signals out. So by treating everyone the same and not as a potential. I would try that. Thanks.
Author tinklebell Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 It's quality vs. quantity. Some people prefer one over the other when it comes to dating. I have a friend like you. She dates constantly, and I date more selectively. However, we are two different personality types. She likes going out on dates all the time, even if the guys suck, simply because she really likes going out. Whereas I cannot enjoy myself on a date if the guy sucks, so it's not worth it to me to go out with someone if I don't think I'd enjoy their company. We're both still single, so I can't speak to the effectiveness of either method! I can't help but just feel like dating more would help. But you're right about the quality part and preferences. I'm not comfortable with just dating randomly. I feel somewhat torn!
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I guess you have to decide what's more important - quantity (her way) or quality (your way). Personally, I go for quality.
stepka Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I think your way is better. It seems to me to be a terrible waste of time going out with guys just for the sake of going out. If you know you don't want a smoker in your life, then don't date a smoker, etc. Or why spend the evening fighting off the sexual advances of a loser? I do like the idea of going out with men who are just friends and we are both clear on that. That way, you can both have a good time and will be "out there" to meet other people.
Author tinklebell Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 I think your way is better. It seems to me to be a terrible waste of time going out with guys just for the sake of going out. If you know you don't want a smoker in your life, then don't date a smoker, etc. Or why spend the evening fighting off the sexual advances of a loser? I do like the idea of going out with men who are just friends and we are both clear on that. That way, you can both have a good time and will be "out there" to meet other people. I hang out with girl friends too much so I think I should also spend more time with my guy friends. I'd like to do more than what I have been doing, without compromising what I want. You see, whenever I hear of friends going out with this and that, having a whale of a time, I wonder why aren't I doing that? It's like peer pressure.
Author tinklebell Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I'm starting to agree that my way may really be the better way. My friend updated me on the guys she was going out with. They don't treat her as well as I would like them to treat girls. Two of them even told her they only wanted her to be their FWBs. Maybe one has to kiss many frogs to meet the prince but I'm not willing to be treated like ****e. (No offense to those engaging in FWB situations; to each their own).
Yellowboy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I've seen my female friend take the quantity/numbers approach and I've never seen her go stable with one guy. Everytime I see her, it's always a different guy. She's a nice person, but I felt like the guys she always picks up were a bit of a douchebag though. Not that I have any romantic interest in her, but speaking as a friend, I don't like how she just puts herself out there in the hopes that she'll find someone. It's like she's hurting herself more that way. And I don't if you or others would agree, but I am inclined to believe that a girl who does that has actually no idea what she's looking for. Hence, she'd date anyone. Even douchebags.
Author tinklebell Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I've seen my female friend take the quantity/numbers approach and I've never seen her go stable with one guy. Everytime I see her, it's always a different guy. She's a nice person, but I felt like the guys she always picks up were a bit of a douchebag though. Not that I have any romantic interest in her, but speaking as a friend, I don't like how she just puts herself out there in the hopes that she'll find someone. It's like she's hurting herself more that way. And I don't if you or others would agree, but I am inclined to believe that a girl who does that has actually no idea what she's looking for. Hence, she'd date anyone. Even douchebags. I haven't met the guys my friend dates but it doesn't sound like they treat her that well. It seems like she knows but doesn't care enough to make a change. I'm almost starting to believe that she can have sex/ONS like a man. She thinks that I'm a prude or have too high standards. But I don't want to waste time on douchebags that may take my mind or time away from meeting someone great. So is that having too high standards or a good choice?
loser101 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 She thinks that I'm a prude or have too high standards. But I don't want to waste time on douchebags that may take my mind or time away from meeting someone great. So is that having too high standards or a good choice? I don't date much but I have a lot of male friends - who are just that, friends, completely platonic. I was chatting with a couple of them in a bar drinking and as we were chewing fat about relationships, one of them told me I was too particular and that's why I have been single for so many years (except for flings and one night stands). a close female friend told me the same. I suppose after a while you can draw the conclusion that it's not quantity vs quality but somewhere in the middle that's the ideal. your friend's dating style gives me the shivers because I can't imagine anything worse than spending time with men I can't even respect (ie douchebags) but then maybe your way is too much the other way (like mine). carhill's advice is usually pretty good because he is so self-aware. but then I don't know how you turn yourself consciously into someone that projects the right signals. those come from so deep down I don't know how you influence what kind of a dater you are - without coming across superficial
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 carhill's advice is usually pretty good because he is so self-aware. but then I don't know how you turn yourself consciously into someone that projects the right signals. those come from so deep down I don't know how you influence what kind of a dater you are - without coming across superficial LOL, solitude will do that to you... For me, it's simple - I've been fortunate enough to feel that elemental connection and understand how it affects my psyche and projects outward, because others have commented on it. So, I separate the feelings from their impetus (the other person) and project them globally, like all within the field are potentials for that elemental love. Those who discern that energy become potentials. Then, it's just a matter of whether they are available and attracted and, ultimately, compatible. So far, it appears to work best with MW's Think about a performer who can, while on stage, look at you and make you feel like you're the only person in the room. How do they do that? Is it 'superficial'? Some would say yes, but it is part of who they are and part of the reason they are good at that profession/passion. Something about them, beyond physicality, captures you. Find that within yourself and see what comes your way
loser101 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 LOL, solitude will do that to you... For me, it's simple - I've been fortunate enough to feel that elemental connection and understand how it affects my psyche and projects outward, because others have commented on it. So, I separate the feelings from their impetus (the other person) and project them globally, like all within the field are potentials for that elemental love. Those who discern that energy become potentials. Then, it's just a matter of whether they are available and attracted and, ultimately, compatible. So far, it appears to work best with MW's I don't have a problem with connection. This is why I have so many male friends. I like men, I feel compassion for them because I think it is terribly hard to be them. All that competing, being tough, fighting wars. I had a weak father, I grew up thinking and feeling that men needed that compassion. It works very well for attracting them because they sense I like them but I rarely want more and usually lose interest. Maybe that compassion is the problem. I often see men as boys. Sorry for hijacking the thread!
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Good point. The corollary for a man would be that women are weak and in need of protection. In my efforts and in my life I endeavor to see women as equals and project that. I showed that just now, having gotten of the phone with my female friend who is feeling overwhelmed with family concerns and school challenges. I showed compassion but also reminded her that she is strong and let that permeate the tone of our discourse and my suggestions. Did it help? Unknown. It's the least I can do for the impetus
loser101 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Good point. The corollary for a man would be that women are weak and in need of protection. In my efforts and in my life I endeavor to see women as equals and project that. I'll think about this compassion thing or how people sense the way you perceive them. I may need to re-arrange things in my head or simply just pick different kind of men. Probably the latter is the best
Author tinklebell Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 your friend's dating style gives me the shivers because I can't imagine anything worse than spending time with men I can't even respect (ie douchebags) but then maybe your way is too much the other way (like mine). carhill's advice is usually pretty good because he is so self-aware. but then I don't know how you turn yourself consciously into someone that projects the right signals. those come from so deep down I don't know how you influence what kind of a dater you are - without coming across superficial I don't think they're all douchebags but they seem to only want to be FWBs or just take her for granted. There are many players in our circle so I've decided to be discerning and not waste time on them. For the non-players that I'd like to date, perhaps my body language isn't up to skills. I usually don't feel too bad since I believe in dating the non-douchebags. But when I hear of the many dates my friend goes on, I feel a little left out of the fun.
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