Unsuccessful Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I am a 41 year old female and I have never experienced mutual love. First relationship lasted 4 years (when I was 25-29 years old). He had a lot of financial problems, was overweight, didn't have good hygiene and used me the whole time for money. When I cut off the money, he ended the relationship. After being unattached from the time I was 29-35 years old, out of loneliness, I started dating a man who could not hold a job and had little education or job skills. I was with him for about a year. I was hoping that maybe he just needed a break in life but he wasn't interested in my offers to assist with furthering his education and I felt he was sponging off me. I have been single now from ages 36-41. In between my 2 relationships, I went on 275 dates by meeting men on various online dating services. They all consisted of just 1 date per man, because the guys generally sent me an email afterwards stating that they just wanted to be friends or they felt no attraction. I have pretty much run out of local guys in my age group. I met a man in December through my soccer league. He is also a member of my church, so we have a lot in common. He is the first guy who has a job and an education who has ever given me any attention. We started going running together on the weekends. Last week, he told me that he thought we should start dating. We were supposed to go out on a date this week, but he called me and cancelled. He said that he sees me only as a short term relationship and that he doesn't feel we could ever have any long term potential. He thinks it would be a bad idea to start dating because we will still see each other in church and at soccer league after we breakup. I feel so hopeless about ever having a meaningful relationship. In order to get any man to date me, I have to settle for someone with significantly less education/skills than I have and/or settle for someone who makes no effort to maintain his/her appearance. My life is alright being single. I have a lot of hobbies. However, I just have this strong desire to have a successful relationship. I never wanted to be alone for years and years and years of my life. I am so discouraged about this guy at my church. He was the only glimmer of hope in my entire life. I want to quit my church and soccer team so I don't see him ever again, but then I will have less possibilities for a social life. Most books/articles talk about moving on with your life but I have had such bad luck in my past with dating that I don't believe that anyone will ever want me.
CaliGuy Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 In your 41 years on this planet, have you ever sought the advice of a professional Counselor? Let me explain. I was a hard-headed kid (surprise eh?! I'm 40 now, BTW). I thought I had all the answers and knew it all. Two heartbreaks in the last 4 years has really opened my eyes. I don't know sh*t and probably never will. I did, however, realize that the only way I was going to get better and figure myself out is to get to Counseling. It was and probably always will stand as the smartest decision I ever made. See, we have a hard time seeing ourselves for who we really are. We waltz back and forth between fantasy land and reality. We need someone to ground us. To see ourselves from a different perspective. I'm just guessing but this guy at Church probably senses that you aren't 100 percent confident in who you are. We radiate negative vibes without even realizing it. I implore you, please see a Counselor. There is NOTHING embarrassing about it. We go to a Doctor when our bodies are sick, we should go to a Doctor when our "brains" are sick. I really think that by speaking to a Counselor that you both will get down to the nitty gritty of what is stopping you from attracting the kind of person you feel you deserve (and DO deserve). In my case, I found out that I didn't think much of myself. I was a door mat nice guy who put up with crap simply because I wanted to be loved. Sorry, love now comes second in my life to my own self-respect. And while I haven't met Ms Right yet, I sure as heck do have a lot of dates and am having fun and enjoying life. Cheers.
Author Unsuccessful Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 CaliGuy: Thanks for responding. I have thought about counseling, but I am not sure how it would help. How am I supposed to work on feeling better about myself when no one wants me at all? Over my adult life, I have lost so much confidence. As the years keep going on and I have no success at all in dating, I just feel worse and worse. On the other hand, maybe it would be a way to break out of the cycle of rapidly descending self-esteem.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 CaliGuy: Thanks for responding. I have thought about counseling, but I am not sure how it would help. How am I supposed to work on feeling better about myself when no one wants me at all? The reason you have found no one is because you believe that about yourself. It's a catch 22. Until you feel better about yourself, no one else will. People can pick up that vibe easily. You have to learn to be happy and love yourself before anyone else will feel the same about you. Over my adult life, I have lost so much confidence. As the years keep going on and I have no success at all in dating, I just feel worse and worse. On the other hand, maybe it would be a way to break out of the cycle of rapidly descending self-esteem. It can't hurt. Plus, a Counselor is better apt to narrow in on where the lack of confidence and self-esteem lies and help you find ways to fix it. Gotta fix yourself and be happy -- then people will find you attractive PS: The guy at Church, well, at least he was honest but he shouldn't EVER look at someone as a short term solution. That's not very Christian.
SweetyBear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I am 35 years old and have only been in two significant relationships. One was with a person who, like you described your men, had quite a bit less education and quite a bit less going for him than I did. The second relationship, which for all intents and purposes seems over now, was with a wonderful man who really loved me and had a lot to offer in our relationship. I finally drove him away with my self-esteem issues. I am finally in counseling now, but I don't know if he and I will ever be able to work things out. I think I may have done too much damage to our relationship. Anyway, it's really interesting what comes out when you've got a trained professional helping you. Not only what you learn about yourself, but also the tools you learn to use to deal differently with the situation next time and handle your reactions. I would encourage you to seek out this help not so that you can find a mate, but so that you feel like you're living up to your potential as a person.
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