dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I have decided that backing off is a good approach. D started doing that not responding to me thing again. So I'm just going to not contact him. If he wants to get a hold me he knows how. At first it seemed like of like a game. But I'm not going to come across ass needy or anything. I like him, but I can't really tell what's going on in his head. I sent an email last night asking if he wanted to get together this week (only because he sent me one saying we would be for sure) to figure out when. And he reads it, but doesn't say anything. So whatever. I'm not even contacting him more then he is me. So I don't know what to think. Then I had a movie date kinda for today, which I just got a rain check on. So screw all this dating crap. I'm just not good at it. I'm just saying no to guys for a while.
griffinchicken53 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 i'm in a similar situation, but not quite what you are in, more i'm asking myself the same question of backing off. seems anytime i get to talk to a woman, for whatever reason after a few conversations, there are no responses, and i'm the only one initiating the conversations. i feel i need to back off, but i don't think that will make her want to contact me, she'll just forget about me. probably.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Dreamer I know you say you want to quit in jest, but I know you wont. Maybe youre a hopeless romantic like me. Just keep playing the numbers, the right guy will naturally stay with you. Theres nothing you can do, just be you.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 i'm in a similar situation, but not quite what you are in, more i'm asking myself the same question of backing off. seems anytime i get to talk to a woman, for whatever reason after a few conversations, there are no responses, and i'm the only one initiating the conversations. i feel i need to back off, but i don't think that will make her want to contact me, she'll just forget about me. probably. Well I've been out with him three times. The first time he backed was right before the last time we went out. Then I get all cutesy emails, then nothing. I'm not going to beg though, even though I'd like to see him again. Dreamer I know you say you want to quit in jest, but I know you wont. Maybe youre a hopeless romantic like me. Just keep playing the numbers, the right guy will naturally stay with you. Theres nothing you can do, just be you. Well I don't understand the hot and cold attitude. It's annoying me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive.
gopher Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I agree with ya Dreamer, but sometimes it's hard to do. My version of backing off involves not chasing a woman beyond the type of feedback she gives me. I'm not chasing someone who appears not interested...She may just be playing "hard to get", but I just view as me not being her type.
Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I feel your pain. My date just got cancelled today as well which he arranged. I backed off and didn't contact him at all last week and then he starts contacting me constantly wanting to see me again etc.. We agree on today and then last night he texts me and asks if we could do something that night. This was at 7 p.m. mind you. I told him no because it was too short of notice and I already had other plans which he wasn't too happy about. We were still on for today until he cancelled a few hours ago. I'm through with him because I can't take people like that. Backing off does help but with losers like the guy I was seeing it doesn't matter either way. Dating sucks!!
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I agree with ya Dreamer, but sometimes it's hard to do. My version of backing off involves not chasing a woman beyond the type of feedback she gives me. I'm not chasing someone who appears not interested...She may just be playing "hard to get", but I just view as me not being her type. Well I don't know what else to do. I'm confused. I get mixed signals. Normally interested signals. But this is the second time he's done this. Unless he just didn't have time to respond, I don't know. I hate back and forth/hot and cold games
paddington bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Hot and cold attitude IS annoying - means you're constantly reacting to someone else's whims. I can understand when things get a bit more serious that one or both parties may need to pull back a little to gain a bit of space before deciding to go forth into relationship-dom, but when you're dating someone, in my mind anyway, they either like you or not, they either want to see you or not. It's easy to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely busy (or whatever), but is interested in you and someone who blows hot and cold for no discernible reason. He's wishy-washy about you, blows hot and cold, doesn't seem to know what he wants? You know what you want and it's not that crap. Just pull back - forEVER, he will of course bounce back when he realises he's lost your attention, but then will blow cold again, and you'll pull back...it's tiring and it's not fun and it makes you all insecure and uneasy when you should feel excited and happy about dating someone who you like.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I feel your pain. My date just got cancelled today as well which he arranged. I backed off and didn't contact him at all last week and then he starts contacting me constantly wanting to see me again etc.. We agree on today and then last night he texts me and asks if we could do something that night. This was at 7 p.m. mind you. I told him no because it was too short of notice and I already had other plans which he wasn't too happy about. We were still on for today until he cancelled a few hours ago. I'm through with him because I can't take people like that. Backing off does help but with losers like the guy I was seeing it doesn't matter either way. Dating sucks!! At least you get a phone call! D doesn't even pick up the phone.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Hot and cold attitude IS annoying - means you're constantly reacting to someone else's whims. I can understand when things get a bit more serious that one or both parties may need to pull back a little to gain a bit of space before deciding to go forth into relationship-dom, but when you're dating someone, in my mind anyway, they either like you or not, they either want to see you or not. It's easy to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely busy (or whatever), but is interested in you and someone who blows hot and cold for no discernible reason. He's wishy-washy about you, blows hot and cold, doesn't seem to know what he wants? You know what you want and it's not that crap. Just pull back - forEVER, he will of course bounce back when he realises he's lost your attention, but then will blow cold again, and you'll pull back...it's tiring and it's not fun and it makes you all insecure and uneasy when you should feel excited and happy about dating someone who you like. I don't know if it's like a cold attitude. It's hard to tell. I don't know if he's pulling back because he doesn't want to come on too strong. Maybe he's unsure of me (I'm not quite as cutesy in email with him as he is with me) or if he got the wrong idea about something. Last time he did this, I simply asked if I did something wrong or whatever. I was confused (prolly shouldn't have done that) but he told me not at all, and he'd tell me if he didn't want to see me or talk to me any more. It's confusing.
Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 At least you get a phone call! D doesn't even pick up the phone. HA! A phone call? This guy does not call me. Never has picked up the phone and I wonder if he even knows how to use one for other reasons besides texting? We communicate via text and IM only.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 HA! A phone call? This guy does not call me. Never has picked up the phone and I wonder if he even knows how to use one for other reasons besides texting? We communicate via text and IM only. Oh duh on me, I thought it said you got a phone call and cancelled.
Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Oh duh on me, I thought it said you got a phone call and cancelled. No he takes the cowardly way out.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 No he takes the cowardly way out. I haven't been cancelled on by D yet. That one would have been a first time out with a different guy. D though, last time I asked if he wanted to get together, he didn't respond. Then last minute we got together on the day I asked about. This time I just meant in general. It's annoying though. I like to have plans. I hate just hearing "I wanna get together" but not setting anything up.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Back right off dreamergrl. Let him come to you. You think he will? Either way I am backing off. No more contact from me until he shows interest back.
paddington bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Sigh...I really feel for you and Cora too...been there so many times myself and it simply is just crap really. Anyone other potential out there on your radar that you could meet for a coffee or whatever? Might help give you some perspective on this guy. He will come back to you - by the way, if you pull back...you're not pulling back to play games, you are reacting to him pulling back. If you were pushing to see him, you'd push him away further...just be wary when he does bounce back, that's all I'm saying, this little pattern could go on and on and on and on...
Cora Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I think you will hear from him again and if he is a decent guy then he will continue to show interest and not keep going hot and cold like the guy I was seeing did. It's like this emotional rollercoaster. I can't take it anymore.
Trialbyfire Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 You think he will? Either way I am backing off. No more contact from me until he shows interest back.I haven't read your other thread about him so I don't know if he will. Regardless, it's a no-lose proposition. If he likes you, he'll come to you. If he wanders off, he's low-interest anyways, so it's no loss.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Sure the other potential cancelled on me. But has now set up plans for me on Tuesday. Bowling. If he does contact me, how do I react? Do I wait a few days? What if he's like, oh well let's go out tomorrow. Or tomorrow comes, and says he lets get together tonight. Just wondering... tomorrow is his day off, he told me the other night... and he pulled that last minute crap on me last time.
paddington bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Just say yes - down with over-thinking things too much. Be spontaneous, if you happen to be free when he pulls a last minute invite, well then go, better that than sitting in at home feeling blue. If you are doing something, just tell him that you would have loved to have met him, but he has to give you more notice the next time so you can keep the date time free. I think better to go on a date (even if he previously cancelled) than not, simply as it will get wondering about the other guy out of your head for a short while. Plus it means you're hot property, 2 guys wooing you at the same time...ok badly wooing you, but let's forget that bit!
Trialbyfire Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Nope, I wouldn't play those games. Instead, just let him initiate. When he initiates, you give him positive feedback, when he doesn't, you don't pursue him. This gives him full control of the hunt which does certain things, reliant on what kind of guy he is. What you have to learn is some patience. When a guy sets the hook, then withdraws, you invest more, where the opposite should be happening to you. If he's not showing you he's interested, it's time to emotionally withdraw.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Well do most guys keep constant contact for the majority of the time if they aren't interested? Or mention getting together again for sure, but not setting plans? I guess that's where I get confused. I'm not sure if he just doesn't know when (he did mention he's working more). Or if he's just keeping me around in case. Well I will go out with the other guy on Tuesday. If D contacts me to get together on a different day, I'll go ahead with that and see what happens.
boogieboy Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Last girl I dated, I didnt cancel dates or make excuses in the beginning. I didnt keep constant contact, but I answered her when she texted me until I said "Lets go out". But I didnt play games. Its possible you might be a just in case. This isnt normal behavior, you can roll with it if you want to, but you know what its like when a guy really likes you. Dont get used to this thinking this is the way its supposed to go.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Well do most guys keep constant contact for the majority of the time if they aren't interested? Or mention getting together again for sure, but not setting plans? I guess that's where I get confused. I'm not sure if he just doesn't know when (he did mention he's working more). Or if he's just keeping me around in case. Well I will go out with the other guy on Tuesday. If D contacts me to get together on a different day, I'll go ahead with that and see what happens. Dreamer, I feel for you, I really do. It seems like guys like to play these games all the time, tugging and pulling on our time and emotions. I think you should put D behind you and worry about your date on Tuesday. If he does come around and initiate, fine, you do what TBF says and respond positively. But don't let him have any more control than is necessary. You are a very strong person and you don't need this kind of influence ruining your days.
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