simple thoughts

[redblack66]

Friends,

 

Some of you remember me from my long tread, about year and a half

ago. It has been a long path for me, but this is not the reason I am

writing. Occasionally, I read this forum, and find the same patterns

again and again. The following is from my experience, hoping that it

will be helpful. It may sound simplistic, but things are often much

simpler than what we make out of them.

 

One day your spouse comes to you and says that she needs space, or

needs to find herself, or just needs time to think about things.

Often, she needs to go away, so she indeed has the space. Chances

that there is somebody else are close to 100%. Give her all the space

she needs. As you do this, go and file for divorce and do not even

turn back. Do not try to save the marriage or whatever is between you.

It is over. Plain and simple. Marriage is not a high school drama.

 

You may get into reading relationship books, etc. I have read many,

practically everything that was recommended on LS, and more. They

teach you love languages, how to satisfy his/her needs, etc. They try

to teach you how to behave so you keep love going and so on. Upon a

lot of reflections, guess what: all they miss the main point, which is

MAN UP. There is nothing else that you need to do. Just man up.

 

If you are looking for advice on LS: listen to Gunny and

ChromeBaracuda. There were a few other very valuable posters, but

they have disappeared. These two guys are more valuable than many

relationship experts, and what they have been saying in various forms

is to man up.

 

Once the other half needs space, you have a long way to go. Your life

is very likely ruined. You cannot do anything about the past. You

cannot change anybody, let alone your spouse. Focus on

yourself. Anti-depressants may come into the picture. They may keep

you away from your lows, but will prevent your from experiencing your

highs. Exercise every day, and eat healthy. This is much more helpful

then pills. Now, this is very easy to say. I had months of not being

able to do anything. I still have major difficulties focusing at

work. Nearly two years in my mess, I still have difficulties getting

to the gym, but it is easier and easier. Get into yoga, ballroom

dancing, whatever you can think of. Yoga can do miracles. Go on

vacation somewhere south. Go to a sun tanning salon, but be careful

because of skin cancer. Take vitamins, and eat very, very healthy. Do

anything that makes you feel good. You may spend more money than you

can afford to spend. Don't worry, just try to save yourself and

survive.

 

You need time to clear your mind. Don't jump into other women very

quickly. There is a very good chance you will mess up things even

more.

 

Try to reach a mental state such that when the next one needs space

or simply does not want you, you are OK on your own. Try to reach a

point at which if you see a red flag in the other person you can

simply walk away. Learn to walk away and don't make compromises with

yourself anymore.

 

Your weekends and holidays are likely to be terrible for you. This is

the reality, just suck it up, and make something out of it.

 

You probably think that you can never find a person like your wife

again. Chances that you will find a better person are not small at all,

but before that you really need to take control of your life. Otherwise,

you may attract a worse person.

 

Once you are single, you have full control of who you let into your life.

Know your boundaries, and do not allow "wrong" people to cross them.

 

Become selfish. Put yourself first. Protect your emotional well being

at any cost. If it requires no contact, get into no or minimal

contact with the other person. You need to recover.

[Windy27]

I can see that you've grown.

 

How is your ex-wife? Is she still in contact with the Australian?

 

What have you been up to? How about a complete update to your post?

[Gunny376]

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper"

 

We all must learn 'self validation' and not seek validation from others. A man (woman) must be willing to 'walk' even if they are married. We are all, each and everyone responsible for our own peace of mind, contentment, and happiness.

 

Our self worth is not measure by others, but by ourselves. We must each find our full measure of ourselves and become determined to live life to its top!

 

Before we can truly love others, we must truly love ourselves for who and what we are ~ and more often than not? As we are. We cannot learn to live with others, until we learn to live with ourselves.

 

You have learned and grown much, as I'm sure you will continue to do so. Better to be single and alone than married and miserable. I will never be a supplicating wuzz over any woman.

 

"Better to die on your feet, than to serve on your knees!"

 

A woman walks out on you? Goes 'flakey" on you? It means one thing and one thing only?

 

You've got to 'man-up' and go find your someone else. What one woman will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

DAMNNED THE BAD LUCK! :laugh:

[Chrome Barracuda]

...I feel honored you think highly of me redblack. I hope things are going well for you. now. Life is too short to be tied to a woman who doesnt care anything about you.

[redblack66]

...I feel honored you think highly of me redblack. I hope things are going well for you. now. Life is too short to be tied to a woman who doesnt care anything about you.

 

Well, it took me a while to realize many of the things you were saying to me. It is one thing to hear it, it is different to live through it.

Yes, life is too short. It has not been easy at all. However, I am becoming myself, the one I know. I am very careful who I let into my life again.

It feels good to get control over my life again, and not to depend on nonsense.

I am trying hard to take very good care of myself, and certainly I look much better compared to

my marriage years.

[seibert253]

The Barracuda and Gunny should collaborate on a book. Something along the lines of "The Real Man's guide to healing".

 

Can I say, NY Times best seller.