ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Okay, do guys ever assume that they are in an exclusive relationship with a girl without having the conversation. In my case, I have been introduced to his best friend and he has referred to me as his girlfriend, but we haven't had "the talk". However, we also spend the weekends together and even most of the weekdays when we aren't busy with our lives and work. So, are we most likely exclusive or still open to other possibilities?
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Honestly, because i'm a coward and I don't want to appear needy. I'm not a needy person to begin with. How would you go about initiating a conversation like that?
dreamergrl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 How long have you been dating? I'm a bit cowardly about these things too, but if you are truly wondering, you need to find out. Just ask him where you stand with him. Maybe say "So you've been introducing me as your girlfriend, does this mean we are dating exclusively?"
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 We've been dating for over 7 weeks now and he didn't introduce me to his BF as his girlfriend as that encounter was only 3 weeks in, but he refers to me as his GF in our conversations and has taken the initiative to meet my daughter which was a concern for the both of us early on.
dreamergrl Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 We've been dating for over 7 weeks now and he didn't introduce me to his BF as his girlfriend as that encounter was only 3 weeks in, but he refers to me as his GF in our conversations and has taken the initiative to meet my daughter which was a concern for the both of us early on. Oooh Me personally, I would think it's exclusive, but I'd still have the talk, make sure you are on the same page.
gopher Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 To answer your question...sometimes. Are you asking because you want to pursue other possibilities or because you wonder if he does?
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 I am not pursuing anything else. I like this person and would like to see where this leads. He only met my daughter a week and 1/2 ago and while he is still nervous around her, he is very concious of her feelings and praises her consistently. So, I should still have the talk, huh? I'm sure I can bring it up this weekend, but any advice is appreciated.
burningashes Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Just ask him out yourself, hun. He obviously likes you enough to be spending that much time with you. Don't make it a complicated thing, because guys are simple creatures. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Thanks burning. I will this weekend when we're chilling. One more question, do guys just assume the same? I mean, could he be assuming that i'm with him only since he's made the references.
Bejita463 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Thanks burning. I will this weekend when we're chilling. One more question, do guys just assume the same? I mean, could he be assuming that i'm with him only since he's made the references. Here is my perspective, for what it is worth: I personally tend to think that anyone I date even once, who makes clear their intention to continue dating me, should be focusing on me. Until one of us decides to break it off anyway. I realize some people don't think that way, but I am pretty much incompatible with anyone who thinks dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable. The behavior itself is not technically wrong, but it makes a person wrong for me.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Here is my perspective, for what it is worth: I personally tend to think that anyone I date even once, who makes clear their intention to continue dating me, should be focusing on me. Until one of us decides to break it off anyway. I realize some people don't think that way, but I am pretty much incompatible with anyone who thinks dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable. The behavior itself is not technically wrong, but it makes a person wrong for me. WOW, that's very insightful. Considering how much time we do spend together, I do believe we are exclusive. How then, would you feel, if I brought it up to you?
bean1 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 ctx2, if you are a mother, then you are well within your right to at least expect exclusivity if this man is going to be around your child. If he is calling you his girlfriend, then it is likely that he has already made that decision. Tell him that it is progressing and that this is your expectation. From what you have described, it seems like he will agree.
Bejita463 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 WOW, that's very insightful. Considering how much time we do spend together, I do believe we are exclusive. How then, would you feel, if I brought it up to you? It would not bother me in the slightest. I would probably be surprised that a question with such an obvious answer (to my mind) needed to be asked though. Perhaps I am naive in that regard. It has just never seemed something that required addressing at all to me.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 ctx2, if you are a mother, then you are well within your right to at least expect exclusivity if this man is going to be around your child. If he is calling you his girlfriend, then it is likely that he has already made that decision. Tell him that it is progressing and that this is your expectation. From what you have described, it seems like he will agree. Thank you, Bean. That's why I had started to assume we were exclusive because he was apprehensive about meeting my daughter because he had been in a previous relationship in which he became attached to the child and when that relationship ended, so did the one with the child. Like I said, he only met her a little over a week ago and is warming up to her nicely. He's actually the first guy I have introduced her to as well. It's still very new, but progressing nicely. I will talk to him about it. I think he will agree that we are exclusive and then, I had no reason to wonder so much. These days, you just never seem to know, so I wanted some opinions.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 It would not bother me in the slightest. I would probably be surprised that a question with such an obvious answer (to my mind) needed to be asked though. Perhaps I am naive in that regard. It has just never seemed something that required addressing at all to me. I agree with this, but i've always been told not to assume anything and I thought that meant relationships too. This is my first in over 2 years...i'm just picky like that. That, and i've conveyed how much I hate to be put on the spot because i'm such a terrible planner which may miscommunicate something to him, but I think actions speak louder than words, so I hope he understands.
Bejita463 Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Well, in fairness, I've known the few real partners I've had a decent amount of time before ever dating them. That particular context is probably a bit different than what you described. All the same, I don't see why he would mind having the discussion. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to want to discuss, even if he thinks that you should already know.
WTRanger Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 For me personally, I would half-assume if I was seeing someone for that amount of time that we were at least very much on our way to being exclusive. Though in the end, I will still bring it up as a face to face conversation just to seal the deal so to speak. Just to hear it from her and for her to hear it from me. So it came as a shock when I was spending an inordinate amount of time with one girl and when I tried to confirm that we were heading that direction when she decided to run away from the topic. Any by run away, I mean refuse to deal with it or talk about it or explain her actions. So that goes to show you, never ever assume anything. I know this won't happen with you and your guy, but I wanted to give an example of what was in my head and my thoughts vs another person's head and thoughts and what that all meant in reality. On a side note, if I had met a girl with a child and she introduced me to them then I would take that as a HUGE sign that she wanted to get exclusive.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Well, in fairness, I've known the few real partners I've had a decent amount of time before ever dating them. That particular context is probably a bit different than what you described. All the same, I don't see why he would mind having the discussion. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to want to discuss, even if he thinks that you should already know. We hadn't known each other at all and were kind of set up and then he kept asking me out and wanting to know more and more and I reciprocated. We're very different in ways while having the same family foundation and such. Seriously, he's not the typical type of person I am usually attracted to. He's very athletic, but very smart and I usually fall for the bad boys or the nerds, but no the all-Americans (which is what he is). He is also 6 years younger than me which kinda worried me at first, but that has faded. Now we just tease each other about it Thanks for the input. I'll keep everyone posted. I'm so glad I found this forum. It's been helpful and reassuring and I didn't want to read any books over this, because face it, they are trying to sell you something!
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 For me personally, I would half-assume if I was seeing someone for that amount of time that we were at least very much on our way to being exclusive. Though in the end, I will still bring it up as a face to face conversation just to seal the deal so to speak. Just to hear it from her and for her to hear it from me. So it came as a shock when I was spending an inordinate amount of time with one girl and when I tried to confirm that we were heading that direction when she decided to run away from the topic. Any by run away, I mean refuse to deal with it or talk about it or explain her actions. So that goes to show you, never ever assume anything. I know this won't happen with you and your guy, but I wanted to give an example of what was in my head and my thoughts vs another person's head and thoughts and what that all meant in reality. On a side note, if I had met a girl with a child and she introduced me to them then I would take that as a HUGE sign that she wanted to get exclusive. Yeah, I agree with the bottom, though I was honest about the fact that she hadn't met anyone previously...not because they weren't worthy, but because she was younger at the time and did not know what was going on. Now that she is older, it's hard to keep a relationship from your child and you don't want your child to feel they can't meet this person that is becoming important to you, so I chose to let them meet. Now, they are becoming more comfortable with each other. I also told him that I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but books are of no help as every child and circumstance is different. He seems to agree.
amaysngrace Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 Yikes. Seven weeks in and he met your daughter? And the last chick he was with had a daughter too? How well do you know this guy exactly? Did you meet at work or something? Please don't say you met him online. My radar wouldn't let him anywhere near my daughter. But I'm jaded like that. So yes to answer your question...I do assume. And it's usually the worst possible scenario.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Yikes. Seven weeks in and he met your daughter? And the last chick he was with had a daughter too? How well do you know this guy exactly? Did you meet at work or something? Please don't say you met him online. My radar wouldn't let him anywhere near my daughter. But I'm jaded like that. So yes to answer your question...I do assume. And it's usually the worst possible scenario. Ouch! But thanks for your honesty. Honestly, our families know each other and such and we both teach science though we are at different campuses. He was employed in another field, but left it to return to this town and help his dad with his younger brother after their mom unexpectedly died. Maybe it was too soon, but he's the first that has met her so now, what's done is done and I will hope for the best.
likestolaugh Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I never had the "exclusive" talk with my gf of almost 5 months. If you trust the other person, then there's no reason to.
Author ctx2 Posted May 7, 2009 Author Posted May 7, 2009 Just be careful. I completely understand and I will be super careful. Oh, and it wasn't his last relationship that had the child, just a former. I trust him. He hasn't given me a reason not to. Thanks.
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