Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Ill keep this short and sweet, but unfortunately not so sweet as im begining to get a bitter taste in my mouth.... My fiance and I, well, now ex fiance were together for 4.5 years. She broke up with me recently as she said things were unbalanced. Well i was just devastaded and begged her for 4 days to come back before telling her i had accepted her descision and that i would rather have her as a friend in my life than not at all, she kept on telling me to let go of all hope for the future, and we will never be more than close friends.. She became very cold and civil with me when we talked online 5 days after breaking up, and asked me not to contact her for a while. So 6 days after that fiasco and me going NC and she pops up on my chat screen just saying ''Hi, how're you?'' silly me should have remained NC but instead said i was ''good'' and asked how she was. She said ''I'm very happy'' and ''Unfortunately im not here to tell you I want you back, just wanted to see how you were'' 5 mins of small chat and she signed off for the night with just a ''ciao'' WTF??? this is so cruel! Im in pain at losing the love of my life and she is acting like it meant nothing to her, and that she is on top of the world and really happy. She's Over 4.5 years in just 2 weeks?? And being extremely Cool and Civil with me. Please shed some light on this someone.PLEASE. If you want the full story I can give it to you, but its long.... Whats this all about????
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 PLEASE, there must be someone out there who can see through this. ??
Davey McG Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 For her to be over it quickly, she has actually been over it for a long time. I think she checked out of the relationship a long time ago and has come to terms with its end, while the whole thing is still new to you. You need to cut off ALL contact with your ex if you are to get over her. She's over you and probably already got her eye on someone else. I'm really sorry. Stop calling her, stop replying to her communications, no matter how tempting.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 When we met a few days after break up, she cried agreed we were soul mates, but she believes we have many soul mates....We all know you only have 1...this was 2 weeks ago now. I dont think shes over it...this seems like a game to me. Why would you be so cold and civil to someone who you shared so much with? Honestly, even just 2 months ago we were talking about marrige and kids, after we moved things got rough for a few weeks and i got cold towards her. I need a dumpers point of view here. Are these just mind games? I dont want to cut off all ties because i still know that we are meant to be together, and i know that there must be a small part of her that feels the same....
bluechocolate Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I dont want to cut off all ties because i still know that we are meant to be together, and i know that there must be a small part of her that feels the same.... Then prepare yourself to feel more of the same again & again as she moves on with her life & you wait in hope. but she believes we have many soul mates....We all know you only have 1 uh, no we don't know any such thing. Are these just mind games? Of a sort, but not, I believe, intentionally malicious. She is most likely playing mind games with herself because she doesn't want to feel guilty & yes, there will still be an element of caring for you there, just not of the level you're hoping for. This is early days for you & there is probably worse to come. The best thing you can do for yourself is take her at her word & cut yourself loose. ''Unfortunately im not here to tell you I want you back, just wanted to see how you were'' She is telling you quite plainly what the score is here - believe her.
marlena Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I dont think shes over it...this seems like a game to me. No, I don't for a minute buy that she is over you. Something ticked her off and she's acting as if she doesn't care. If she seriously didn't care, she would not have initiated any conversation at all. The " I don't want to get back but was just wondering how you are" sounds like a line to me, delivered to hurt you on purpose. Try reflecting on what you may have done or not done for that matter that she would go to the extreme of breaking of your engagement. Were there any unresolved problems in your relationship? Was something bothering her? Did anything happen to trigger this off?
vessv6l Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Tough situation man i feel for you. Dont know all the exact details of the break up and yeah does seem a bit sudden. Try going NC for a couple of weeks and see what happens, maybe if you havent heard anything you could try initiate contact with her. Was she acting strange before she ended it? Behaving differently? Usually there can be signs about the person emotionally withdrawing from the relationship You are facing a tough time ahead. Its very hard to accept that the relationship is over for good and you wont get to lie next to her again. If she initiates contact with you again and brings up the line "i dont want to get back with you" or something like that, you can try to agree with her. Say you think it may be for the best as well. See how she reacts to that. At the moment you a mess and you desperately want her to come back. She knows this and maybe that isnt an attractive prospect for her( you would think after that amount of time together a person would be able to look past **** like that). How old is she btw? If you come across as agreeable to the breakup(dont be indifferent, she may think you never cared) it may cause her to closely analyse her decision. If not then she has set her mind firmly and at the very least you know its pretty permanent and you can start the healing process
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thankyou, now someone is on the same page as me. I know what i need to do. thankyou thankyou. No more games, im just going to email her and tell her exactly. I know what happened, and i know where i went wrong. I know what i need to do now
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Marlena, We both have treated each other badly before, but these last few weeks before we broke up, i distanced myself from her and i acted very cold and uncaring towards her. I have negative influences in my life up here due to my family. I know what i did was wrong, and i have an email written just now ready to send to her. These last few weeks have made me realise how much of a jerk i was, and i dont know if sending it to her stating such is going to push her away and make her feel less guilty for leaving, or if it will do my any favours.... I want to resolve it, i dont know if she does. she seems angry with me as you said...whats your take on this do i just swallow that pill and send it to her, its a big risk...50/50...could swing 2 ways here. good or bad.....
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 OP, you started the thread. If there are details pertinent to this, they should be shared. Personally, if it were me, and I recognized behaviors/actions/words that I regretted, I'd simply apologize for those, accept her assertion that she wishes to break the engagement and ask for the ring back (which is proper since she broke the engagement). Be calm, apologetic, but firm. Her actions have consequences too. She could have stayed engaged and worked through the issues but chose to leave. That's her responsibility. Women aren't children. Leave it at that and go total NC. That's my advice
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 4 years engaged. im 24 and she is 25. She left me saying that we had become unbalanced. The last few months have not been so good, and I could have treated her better, but I was going through feelings of not wanting her any more. Very short lived feelings of not wanting her. Since we broke up, I spent the first 4 days begging her to come back, and that I was sorry for treating her so badly- abandonment and rudeness.NEVER hurt her physically. After that I stopped begging and told her I had accepted her descision, and that I would rather have her as a friend in my life than not at all, as she has been my best friend for the last 4.5 years together, she iterated that we do get on well. seriosly, we have done everything together, we have even relocated countries 3 times in the space we were together and allways got through whatever life threw at us. When I met up with her in town, after saying that i had accepted her descision and agreed that the old relationship was stagnant, she said she was supprised that i had come to this realisation so fast, and was expecting it to take me 4 or 5 months. I told her i knew i had some things to change about myself. I made sure that i was not mopey, or begging her to come back, and she told me not to hold on to any hope for the future- this only happened when she got a txt from this older lady she has been confiding in after the break up- the older lady is a man hater and has had many problems with men in her life. she asked my fiance to move in with her. THIS IS NOT ANOTHER MAN AND SHE IS NOT A LESBIAN! She said we would only, if anything just be close friends. She looked so sad, and was a bit quiet, but i tried to put on a brave face and remain happy. She told me again that she feels like i am holding onto false hope for the future- I said this would be so much easier for me if she had jus met someone else. We both agreed that day that our meeting was quite surreal. I took her for lunch and we had a walk together. we didnt argue at all and i honestly thought it was really nice.we hugged once, but i think i held on to tight….. 2 days later i spoke to her on a chat screen, she started being harsh with me again. and she said that she had started to have stirrings of feelings for someone else, but had not acted on them yet, and didnt know what to make of it, either way she would not be jumping into anything and just wanted me to know. OBVIOUSLY this cut me up inside, but i remained calm and told her that i was happy that she could take such a healthy interest in someone else so fast and i should probably start to do the same. She re-itterated that she had not acted on anything yet. I told her i only wanted her to be happy, and that i knew that our time together has not yet run its course, that im sure of. She replied by saying that who knows what the future holds, but wants me to let go of all hope for the future.????!!!!! She has now gone back home to Asia for 3 weeks, but said she will be returning as she feels she has alot going for her up here- new care job, We had just moved up here a few weeks prior to her leaving me, which is where my family live. After our last chat, i know that she was possibly saying this about having stirrings of feeling for another man to get a re-action from me, or maybe to help me to realise that it really is over. but i remained calm and said that i was happy for her, and i only wanted her to be happy. She cut the conversation short, and said she needed time and space away from me, i replied that i would respect her wishes and remain out of contact, and thanked her for all the beautiful times we have shared together and that she would allways be special to me….i even wished her the best of luck in her new life and her new love. Im finding this SO HARD. I truly madly deeply love this woman with all my heart and believe we are meant to be together. She recently started a marshal arts course when we moved up here, and i know that this had a part to play in our breaking up as the lady she is moving in with is filling her head with 'hate him'. I dont know what to do, I love her so much and all i want is her to come back. We have both made some mistakes and i only want to try to get a new love, a new relationship with her. stronger than what we had before, without bringing up all the old baggage. But i am finding it so hard to let go. Why is she being so nasty to me? telling me these things knowing that will hurt me? All i can hope is after this time away that she will realise that maybe this was not so bad after all and that the hurdles we had can easily be overcome with a little more balance between us. Someone help me, i cant let go, im so sure she is the one but after being told so many times thsat its over, and then that she does not want me to contact her and she needs space and time awy from me just plain hurts. Why would she not want me to speak to her? Did i take the right reaction to the things she has told me? Or have i just gone and totaly effed everything up. I still have her ring, and i can get rid of it, im so sure she is my soul mate. What do i do…….please help me The bad things i did-- here goes, ego aside. I treated her like my maid when we moved up here. for 3 weeks i distanced myself from her, wouldnt hold her in bed etc. expected her to do my washing and cooking. SO WRONG The worst bit, it was her birthday, and i didnt even get her a present. On her birthday, she had come up to spend it with me and I spent my day further more distancing myself from her in the garage. Now i know some of you right now are thinking that im just a jerk, and you are entiteled to your opinion, as yes, for those 3 weeks i was a complete tosser. My dad treats my mum much like this, and i started to treat my ex fiance the same when we moved up here. I feel soooo bad, so much regret, and so much pain. I hope i have not lost the best thing that ever happened to me just from family influences.....I am moving away from here next week, away from my family. i dont want to be around this kind of negativity and its almost a form of bullying. my dad expecting my mum to do everything and gets annoyed if his dinner isnt on the table and his clothes are not clean. So there you have it. thats the whole story. i feel sick with the way i treated her up here for those 3 weeks. and i know that that is not who i am, nor want to be...ever.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 god i feel so sad now. no wonder she is hurting:(
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Here is the conversation i opened this thread for.... Her: hi, how're you doing? me: good, i have had alot of time to think recently, and i realise that im surrounded by alot of negativity at (parents place), so im moving away how are you? me: its not productive here, the good energy gets sucked and twisted into nastieness i hate it Her: thats probably a good idea. i'm good thanks, pot withdrawal meets jet lag and my sleep is fu**ed, but otherwise very happy me: good, im happy to here that Her: unfortunately i'm not here to tell you i've changed my mind, but thought i'd see how you were anyway me: thats ok, i wasnt expecting you to Her: umm has a package arrived for me? me: yup, and a letter Her: good stuff me: i had this crazy dream that i offered you a mango the other day Her: well i get back on the 13th the mango of peace? me: it was really ripe, but you said it wasnt ready yet Her: well.. me: weird huh?! Her: yea. been having some mad dreams myself me: me too! every night since i have had like 3 differemnt dreams admitedly you have been in them all Its nice to talk to you, I have missed chatting with you. But oh boy, have i done alot of thinking Her: good where you gonna move to me: town, get my own place i hate it here, (parents place) is full of crap energy Her: hows ebay going me: ticking along nicely how have you been? what have you been up to? Her: really good. reconciling with my past and truly moving on. watched a whole bunch more family vids and now i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, i feel sorry for dad me: thats really really good Her: can see how disconnected he must've felt, glad he's got another chance with ***** me: honestly Her: yea i know me: yeah, looks like he is making up for it now Her: done no riding yet, the riding schools really busy at the mo which is good for the riding club. i'm sure i can find a spare polo pony or two to ride tho me: I hope you do, i know how much riding means to you. Her: yea, need my fix me: still want a mini horse? just for your house? horse injection cant beat it Her: well, maybe not for indoors, but ceratinly as a companion for my other horses me: Char*** is coming up to see me next week, but i fell out with Dina big time whata bunch of losers that lot are *****ers Her: uh yea. well i asked you if you'd told anyone but you said you hadn't, so i did write her that rude email, but apparantly you had broadcasted it on fb and spoken to imogen me: thats what she said to me too! Which is strange cos i only changed my FB status Her: which is pretty public thats effectively telling everyone me: i never even spoke to imogen until she sent me a email even then i didnt reply Her: well that was all before d had evben seen my first email me: and suddenly people start worrying Her: i had to apologise to her me: gossip gossip gossip. none of them have even called except charl** Her: yea i got a nice email from him too me: Im glad you have made the peace Her: well she hasn't written back to me yet me: seriously, those guys, well some of them, i dont feel like they were ever true friends Her: dina, charl** and e**c i'll keep. the rest can go get bent me: no one even got in touch. But yeah i do agree with the list Her: good of you to offer my mum your money for the sound system by the way, if you could send me or her the specs as you remember to help me try and find a buyer me: I dont remember to be honest, but its the least i can do. your mum has been so good to me and after what happened to her Her: well dont worry then, i'll figure it out yea ****ing **** eh me: it made me so angry Her: i know, me too, she's alright tho me: So how is your house hunt going? Her: havent heard from (lady shes moving in with) yet but it should all be sorted soon she said it'd take a couple of weeks anyway, i'm gonna have another go at egttin to sleep me: Yeah i got some stuff to do, im off out Her: k well have fun and take care all my best to you n your family me: I love all this civilness! god my spelling is atroutious sh*t... Her: well, yea, but anyway... me: take care Jo, thanks for getting in touch, i hope we can catch up propper when your back Her: yup for sure, i'll be in touch ciao
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Hmmm.... Leave it at that and see what happens when she gets back from Asia. No contact. In the future, limit contact to face-to-face or phone. No texts/IM's. You're trying to repair/negotiate a relationship. Do not say or discuss anything of substance via text/IM/e-mail for now. And stay off of social networking sites. Just do it. Personally, I'd be letting her go in my heart, but I'm not you. If you do have contact in the future, be clear with her about what your regrets are. Don't jumble it up with other stuff. Tell her what you want. Short and simple.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thankyou Carhill I really have spilled it all out now. thats everything there is to tell about the situation..
Lucky_One Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Looks to me like she is done. Her IM conversation was to find out if a package had come for her, to see if you would do a favor for her mom, and to complain politely that you changed your FB status telling everyone you had broken up after you assured her that you hadn't told anyone. Good luck, and maintain the NC as well as you can. PS. Blaming your poor behavior on your parents' dysfunction isn't really an attractive trait; I would want my BF to man up and tell me why he acted like a jerk, not to say that he acted like a jerk because his dad is a jerk and being around him makes BF act the same way.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 if anyone else has any insight i would be most appreciative...
EmperorR Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 women usually emotionally detach, it's why your wondering how she is ok, she faked it until she dropped the bomb, you probably realized it at one point and asked if she's ok and she lied through her teeth that she is
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I dont believe she faked it, i like to think i know her better than that. I know that the last few weeks, as i got distant, she detached. And then left as a result as i was obviously being a tw@.... Some good has come of this tho, I feel like the last few weeks we have not been together, I can really see where i went wrong, and I am working hard to change. HOWEVER, I feel like that change came very easily to me, and is not going to be hard to keep it up.... I just wish there was a magic ball that could tell you what she was thinking and feeling.....If its meant to be, it will be. After all, what will be will be in this, the best of all possible worlds. Dont get me wrong, i am VERY happy that we took this break, as i feel i can appreciate it all more. I just only hope that she still feels the same. Its very hard to decipher her emotionaly just now. Especially after being so close for 4.5 years....then to go the oposite way. I just cant make head nor tail of it. Thankyou everyone for your time, i truly do appreciate it.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I just found out that my ex fiance of 4.5 years who broke up with me a few weeks back is actually still here, in this country, and is going to her martial arts class tomorow......she is still here, in this town, she never left at all She told me that she was away still (see previous page chat txt) Im feeling so angry and hurt that she could lie to me like this after how long we were together This is very out of character for her. Furthermore, i woke up the other nite at 0230am all of a sudden to 'think' that she was still here, in this country, in this town. Yestrday it was confirmed that she is, and i got to say i am mega pis*sed of about it. I know this man hater friend of hers has coached her into saying all this 'im away' crap someone throw me a line here, im so angry about this. at least i can rant and vent it out here... I want to email her tomorow saying i woke up and had a profound thought, feeling you were still here, i sincerely hope that is not the case and that you have just lied to me all this time. I really thought more of you than that.. But oh boy would it make her feel bad. probably question how the ''hell does he know that??'' what do you think?
carhill Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 As far as you know, she's in Asia. My prior post still applies. No contact.
skreen23 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I'm almost in the same boat as you,me and my fiancee/girlfriend of six years are on a break at the moment. The best thing to do, which is really hard, is have no contact. If she loves you she will wonder what is going on and contact you, if she doesn't you'll have that time to heal because we both know it hurts when we talk to them. Just keep your head occupied with work, hobbies, God knows what.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I KNOW (fact) she is still here, and will be going to training class tomorow tho... So i should just 'pretend' that i think she is still there? Even after all this, I would still take her back....well...possibly... It was my fault she left in the first place... What is the purpose of NC in this case? Is to help heal or to help Win back? Carhill, thank you for all your sound advice. You have been very rational
carhill Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 You have been very rational Hey, and that on a pretty bad day. Thanks for one vote of confidence What is the purpose of NC in this case? Is to help heal or to help Win back? Strictly to heal. IMO, it should only be used to heal. Any other use sends out the wrong signals. Here is a critical life lesson, free of charge. Live life by your rules, your mind, your heart, your conscience. Do not let others influence the core of who you are. Do not let their actions influence how you view the world and/or treat other people. You have some good information about this young lady's character now. It's real good information. Smile when you think about that information and match it up with your truth. Examine that. You each bear responsibility. Learn from it. If it is your path, you and she will come together again in the future. Nothing in life is certain, except its end. Follow *your* path.
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 skreen23 Im sorry you are going through this. But im happy that you still hope and feel like its just a break as do i. But this recent event has made me a little annoyed to say the least, its kind of rocked those foundations of trust a bit. I keep occupado with my ebay biz, play my guitar, but most of the day i just think, which was torture at first, but now, i feel like its actually helping me to know what is going on. If that makes any sense in a completely contradictory way.... NC it is. I understand now. I just hope she has not been mentally poisend by this lady, beyond the brink. Skreen23- Im glad you have found a sittuation simmilar to yours, i couldnt find any on here simmilar to mine, maybe if i looked hard enough i might, but every one is different its own uniqe way so i hope these guys are helping you as much as they are me You all rock. next rounds on me;)
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