SidLyon Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Lucky asked me a question which I tried to answer several times but didn't manage it - possibly because it's now locked. It was about me phoning the OW's parents in laws - I did address on another topic so here's what I wrote there: "I was angry and wanted to hurt her I admit - I guess I subscribe to the view that the OW's H should be told - of course with him dead that wasn't possible so it was either his parents or nobody - they are also helping to bring up the 6 year old boy as if he's their grandchild. At this stage it's unclear whether he is their grandchild or my H's child. If he's my H's then my children also possibly have rights to know they have a half-brother. Because of the unusual situation it is not absolutely clear what the right thing to do is. Perhaps you would have behaved differently." I didn't set out with the "intention" of hurting the parents of a dead man but I realised that they might be hurt. S
NoIDidn't Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 From your now locked thread, you said that making him give her back the gifts would be inconsistent with the no-contact request. I agree. My H's EA was so short, I doubt any gifts were exchanged unless you include a Happy Meal. I'm serious. LOL. They did a working lunch one day with a couple of other co-workers and he got her a Happy Meal since she was watching her calories. I didn't see the point in asking for our three dollars back. On the topic of this new thread: I also spoke with her mom and with her boyfriend's parents (Didn't mean to, boyfriend is a junior and I thought I was calling him). I didn't tell them why I was trying to contact them, though. I decided not to get them involved in this mess. But it did alert the parents that something was amiss and they started asking questions and she confessed. To say that all the parents involved were disappointed would be an understatement. We are talking about Deacons and Missionaries in churches here. And when her (the co-worker/OW) boyfriend did call me and I apologized for even bothering him, he told me he totally understood me doing what I did to protect "what was [mine]". I would truly hate to have an affair with a man married to woman that thinks like me. Talk about eating crow!
laine_B Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Lucky asked me a question which I tried to answer several times but didn't manage it - possibly because it's now locked. It was about me phoning the OW's parents in laws - I did address on another topic so here's what I wrote there: "I was angry and wanted to hurt her I admit - I guess I subscribe to the view that the OW's H should be told - of course with him dead that wasn't possible so it was either his parents or nobody - they are also helping to bring up the 6 year old boy as if he's their grandchild. At this stage it's unclear whether he is their grandchild or my H's child. If he's my H's then my children also possibly have rights to know they have a half-brother. Because of the unusual situation it is not absolutely clear what the right thing to do is. Perhaps you would have behaved differently." I didn't set out with the "intention" of hurting the parents of a dead man but I realised that they might be hurt. S Hi Sidlyon, you unintentionally hurt the parents of the dead man for something that is not a fact? Did it help alleviate the pain you felt? If so, how did it help you?
Author SidLyon Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Sidlyon, you unintentionally hurt the parents of the dead man for something that is not a fact? Did it help alleviate the pain you felt? If so, how did it help you? ******************************************************** I haven't said they were hurt by me - they are your words; it's arguable that they were not hurt by me but by the knowledge of what the OW had done. It's not even clear to me that I was the first person to impart this news anyway. In any case when I contacted them they were very sympathetic and gave me to understand that they already knew the boy was their grandchild. They were very unflattering about the OW and I got the impression that they already knew of some of the things she had done. I was gobsmacked by this. I said to them that if they were satisfied about the paternity of the boy then perhaps it was something I could let go. I was greatly helped by what they told me but of course it does not alleviate all the pain of betrayal and deception - nothing ever will. S
bentnotbroken Posted April 22, 2009 Posted April 22, 2009 Hi Sidlyon, you unintentionally hurt the parents of the dead man for something that is not a fact? Did it help alleviate the pain you felt? If so, how did it help you? She didn't hurt the parents, their daughter in law did.
Author SidLyon Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Any advice on what I should do if anything.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Today the OW phoned my H to try to arrange a meeting telling him she had a problem. He told her that he couldn't meet with her without my knowledge and she asked if he would be telling me about the phone call - which he did.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]She did not tell him what the problem was.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Several months ago she had sent me an e-mail of apology promising to never contact him again. However given that I went to her work 2 weeks ago I guess she can be forgiven for contacting him.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I intended to never have anything further to do with her as my curiosity was satisfied by the recent meeting.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Now I'm in a quandary - should I just ignore it and hope that she doesn't try again or should I let her know that I'm not impressed. I was polite to her 2 weeks ago but I feel much less polite now. However I'm worried that if I contact her again it will just escalate a situation that is best left alone.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Has anyone got any advice for me?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]S[/sIZE][/FONT]
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Here's something. Why is your H still answering her calls? Why is he engaging conversation with her?
bentnotbroken Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 Here's something. Why is your H still answering her calls? Why is he engaging conversation with her? Exactly. Change phone numbers, block her calls and emails and then total NC.
pparrott Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 I'd say if your husband continues to take her calls....Something is "rotten in denmark"..... He shouldn't be accepting any calls, emails, etc from her - AT ALL. And, if you have to intervene every time you think something is up...What's the point in that? Not that my opinion matters - but I disagree 100% with contacting the other person's parents, children, in-laws, aunts, uncles. I look at an affair as a private matter. Not something that the entire extended family needs to get involved in. Just my opinion. Contacting the spouse.....I wouldn't do it. But some women are "ballsier" than me!
2sure Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 In your case, the OW seems to be under the impression that it is YOUR decision as to whether he can see her or not. From what she has said and done, its VERY likely that to her mind - HE would like to see her, but you are in the way. Your H needs to get rid of that impression. He should have never discussed with her what he tells you, asks you, shows you. No Way. He should have said: I dont want to see you or hear from you. Period. Its great that he is telling you everything. While it is clear that your H wants you fully involved and up to speed ....the fact that he had a conversation with her, about you is out of the question.
Author SidLyon Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 First she called him at work on his fixed line there and started talking straight away. You can't see who the caller is in this country nor can he change his work phone number. He cannot change his work e-mail address either. It's the first time she has called him for nearly 6 months. You are right though that he ought not to be giving her the impression that it is my decision rather than his. He doesn't expect to hear from her again but will be very blunt if he does. meanwhile I sent her a reply to an e-mail she sent me 5 months ago asking why she contacted him. Perhaps I shouldn't have - I feel somewhat desperate now that all the hard work will go down the drain. It is early morning here and I have just had a sleepless night - feeling very bad and unsettled. S
Author SidLyon Posted April 27, 2009 Author Posted April 27, 2009 I'd say if your husband continues to take her calls....Something is "rotten in denmark"..... He shouldn't be accepting any calls, emails, etc from her - AT ALL. And, if you have to intervene every time you think something is up...What's the point in that? Not that my opinion matters - but I disagree 100% with contacting the other person's parents, children, in-laws, aunts, uncles. I look at an affair as a private matter. Not something that the entire extended family needs to get involved in. Just my opinion. Contacting the spouse.....I wouldn't do it. But some women are "ballsier" than me! Just trying to focus on a side issue - I have to disagree with you parrot. There are certain behaviours that thrive on secrecy. Not just affairs but things like child abuse, domestic violence, workplace bullying, embezzlement, police corruptions etc. The culture of silence that builds up around these actually facilitates the very behaviour that is to be discouraged. By exposing them this can assist in discouraging such things but the whistle blower usually pays a heavy price as people frantically run for cover saying it's not fair it should be confidential. I don't have a problem with keeping genuine secrets that are not complicit in condoning bad behaviour but I think some things need to be out in the open to act as a deterrent. Just my point of view though. S
Author SidLyon Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I'm concerned it's becoming ugly now - I called the OW and she accused me of frequently phoning her - this is the 2nd time ever and the last was nearly 6 months ago. She said she had every right to contact my H and that it was just a professional matter and that I needed to accept that. She also said she told my H exactly why she wanted a meeting (to get him to sign some referee papers - I've never heard of anyone having to sign such things anyway). She denied suggesting to him that they could meet and keep it secret from me. I got a little angry and pointed out that she had "insinuated herself into my marriage" and been "screwing my H for so many years". She even denied this too! She also said it wasn't her fault and that I should be looking to blame my H not her - some truth in this. In any case it was a demeaning conversation for me. My H says she said nothing about her reason for wanting to meet him and he deliberately didn't enquire because he didn't want to encourage her. He thinks we both need to discuss it (he is at work right now) but if we agree it's necessary he will call her and insist in very blunt terms that there be no more contact for any reason whatsoever. He also said he didn't really want to contact her as he has been sticking to the NC agreement and not contacted her himself. He is fairly sure that she got the message yesterday so is reluctant to stir the pot and believes she is unlikely to try again. I am just confused, miserable and hoping that my H is telling the truth. S
bentnotbroken Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Sorry Syd. I know it is rough from experience. Is there a H you can tell( you may have answered this before, forgive me if you have)? If not blast it to anyone who will listen, it's time she gets the message if you can't block her. She sounds dumb as a brick.
Author SidLyon Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Sorry Syd. I know it is rough from experience. Is there a H you can tell( you may have answered this before, forgive me if you have)? If not blast it to anyone who will listen, it's time she gets the message if you can't block her. She sounds dumb as a brick. No her H died last year which is partly how this whole miserable saga came to light. I contacted his parents instead as they are helping raise the child born during the course of the A. As far as I can see the only genuine reason the OW could have for contacting my H again is if paternity tests need to be arranged. At the moment everyone seems to be convinced that by some dint of luck the child is her deceased H's. S
bentnotbroken Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 AAAHHH, I do remember you posting that. She is a real piece of work.
2sure Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Certainly, the former OW is simply looking for a little bit of drama and she is getting it. At your expense. Contacting her yourself or together w/ your H is still contact - so you don't want to give her that. In the event she initiates contact again, be more prepared: Do not accuse her of anything. Do not ask her any questions, do not ask her to admit to anything . Do not let her provoke you to defend yourself. Your marriage had a problem. Your husband had a problem. She was a symptom , like a runny nose when you have a cold. *We understand you may be lonely , desperate, and vulnerable due to the circumstances of your life. However, we feel we must take this opportunity to remind you that we are not able to accommodate communication of any kind from you. We hope you find the strength to move forward , as we have. "
angel face Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Hi, Sorry this is happening but this is how i see it. I maybe wrong but if I am not it might help you a small bit. I presume that to the best of your knowledge that there was NC between them until now. When you went to see her you opened up the situation again. I understand why you did what you did but it is like rewinding her life a bit. You all had moved on in whatever way, by seeing her you opened it up to her again. Rightly so this is her problem but i guarantee you left her with questions that in her mind (because to her she shared something with him that made them special, different or something who knows) she deserves answers too. For some warped reason she justified to herself her phonecall to him. So she rings him and as 2 sure said he used you, not intentionally, as the reason why he was having no more contact. It is the truth, he promised you he would not contact her again. I can see why he said it, however if you take it apart it is just as 2sure said. She will read it that you are standing between them. Phew! You made a huge mistake ringing her. Don't get me wrong I am not blaming you. You decided to email her, then you ring her. See it from her point of view, I know you don't want to but, she already has an idea of you. You are enhancing that negative idea of you by emailing, ringing and seeing her. She can in her head and words make you look crazy. I know you aren't, you are hurting, you are angry and no matter what you say you need to feel stronger, bigger, sexier, more superior you need to be the best and you need to beat her to a tiny insignificant thing, in your head not physically. Your world is upside down, you question yourself in every aspect of your life as a wife, mother and lover. She is something that you feel less than, no matter how much you fight it you compare yourself to her. I know you must wish she could vanish and all memories of her go too. The best thing you can do is let it go, let her try, let her look like the crazy woman, keep your dignity, stand next to your husband as he tells her this is over, I am so in love and happy with my wife. We were a mistake, You were a mistake. I am sorry it took all this for me to see that my wife is the absolute, she is the only woman that makes me me. and so on No contact this time means for you too. I hope you see this as a reply out of kindness not blame and I hope I am not being harsh. I wish you and your husband the very best of luck
Author SidLyon Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Hi, Sorry this is happening but this is how i see it. I maybe wrong but if I am not it might help you a small bit. I presume that to the best of your knowledge that there was NC between them until now. When you went to see her you opened up the situation again. I understand why you did what you did but it is like rewinding her life a bit. You all had moved on in whatever way, by seeing her you opened it up to her again. Rightly so this is her problem but i guarantee you left her with questions that in her mind (because to her she shared something with him that made them special, different or something who knows) she deserves answers too. For some warped reason she justified to herself her phonecall to him. So she rings him and as 2 sure said he used you, not intentionally, as the reason why he was having no more contact. It is the truth, he promised you he would not contact her again. I can see why he said it, however if you take it apart it is just as 2sure said. She will read it that you are standing between them. Phew! You made a huge mistake ringing her. Don't get me wrong I am not blaming you. You decided to email her, then you ring her. See it from her point of view, I know you don't want to but, she already has an idea of you. You are enhancing that negative idea of you by emailing, ringing and seeing her. She can in her head and words make you look crazy. I know you aren't, you are hurting, you are angry and no matter what you say you need to feel stronger, bigger, sexier, more superior you need to be the best and you need to beat her to a tiny insignificant thing, in your head not physically. Your world is upside down, you question yourself in every aspect of your life as a wife, mother and lover. She is something that you feel less than, no matter how much you fight it you compare yourself to her. I know you must wish she could vanish and all memories of her go too. The best thing you can do is let it go, let her try, let her look like the crazy woman, keep your dignity, stand next to your husband as he tells her this is over, I am so in love and happy with my wife. We were a mistake, You were a mistake. I am sorry it took all this for me to see that my wife is the absolute, she is the only woman that makes me me. and so on No contact this time means for you too. I hope you see this as a reply out of kindness not blame and I hope I am not being harsh. I wish you and your husband the very best of luck Thanks for your comments. I think there is quite a lot of truth in what you say. I will not be initiating any further contact. I hope she does not contact either of us again - it will be difficult for me to resist responding to her if she does. S
angel face Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 The best thing to remember is that there is no logic in heartbreak. That means that no ones actions when hurt are logical. We all act on emotions and hurt. She is Hurt (i know who gives a toss) so she isn't working on logic. The disrespect to your wishes, home and marriage by her contacting you again is worse than the affair in a way because she believes she has a right. She has that connection with him. You want this to stop then you write her an email saying how hurt you are and then DO NOT SEND IT. Ask yourself why your husband is yours again and not his. Let your H deal with it but ask to be there. Remember your silence is way more powerful. Keep your dignity You have your family. She doesn't, she never did. Her head is a strange place best to stay out of it. Demand Honesty from your H. Stay calm and hold tight. She will go away I promise but only when she believes your husband doesn't want her because well HE just doesn't. Remember we are all seconds away from becoming the crazy women that they must save our husbands from. Don't give her anymore amo.
HeidiB125 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Angel Face....you sound just like my therapist. She gives me the same great advice and I so agree with her. I'm going to copy that and read it everyday. We are worth so much more than these "mistakes". I am thankful that I am not the person who was used by someone and would now have to live my life with that shame. I've kept my character and integrity throughout and have nothing to be ashamed about. Unlike OW....
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Syd, I agree with bent and angel face. Ignore her from here on out. A word about your husband, though. He is a coward. You may need to tell him this directly. If he is using you as a shield, he is displaying cowardice in the situation. Its not uncommon, but needs to be nipped in the bud. My H was a coward too. He attempted to use my pain ("I don't want to hurt her anymore") to appeal to her better nature. Didn't work. Know why? Because when you've (the WS) spent time tearing down a person (the BS) to someone (the OP) with vested interest in seeing them (the BS) in that way, they (the OP) can't believe that you (the WS) care about their (the BS) feelings after all that's happened. I told my H that she was going to continue to call him at work (it was a work EA) until he told her directly (not insultingly or in any way that made her feel bad) that it was HIS DESIRE that she not call - not just mine. My H finally did one day and that was the end of it. Your H needs to do this. He needs to own his own desires and stop making it seem like its only what you want and she will stop looking for wiggle room in his words. He's being too ambiguous. He needs to tell her directly to stop contacting him because he doesn't desire it unless it is totally work related. And, you Syd, need to no longer see her for any reason. It was cathartic, I'm sure. But now she needs nothing from you but silence. This is your H's battle. And he has to win against his inner desire to only be seen as a victim in his own life and decisions.
Recommended Posts