CM2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 [COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t183846/[/COLOR] I've posted here before about my wife and I being seperated. Just an update we're still seperated and from her words it seems as if it's over for us. Now, I sitll have hope and prayer that we'll work this out. Their is very little more that I can say to her. I feel horrible cause I don't know whats gonna happen and that I miss her so much. I tell her but she isn't putting some much stock into it. My question is what can I do to heal myself because it doesn't look good, second how can I show her that I care even though we aren't living together. She supposed to make her decision within the next week or so and she said it's a 20% chance of her staying, but she also said she im missed a little bit, and she made a commitment to me and to God, she still sort of unsure. I'm trying to fight depression but it's kind of hard I don't wanna do much, I've been working long and hard to keep my mind off the pain, and when I get off I work I watch a little T.V. and go to sleep early like 9:00pm. Let me know what you think.
searcher Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 CM2009, I know how your feeling. Deep in your heart you know your meant to be together. Don't give up, hold in there if it's worth fighting for. My husband has given me a 50% chance of getting back together, but it's still hard. If you want to give me your email address and if your much of a reader I have a few ebooks that might help you get through the evenings also one you might like to pass on to your wife.
Author CM2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 CM2009, I know how your feeling. Deep in your heart you know your meant to be together. Don't give up, hold in there if it's worth fighting for. My husband has given me a 50% chance of getting back together, but it's still hard. If you want to give me your email address and if your much of a reader I have a few ebooks that might help you get through the evenings also one you might like to pass on to your wife. [email protected], I know we were meant but its like she doesn't wanna even try to fight. Like I said I posted my situation last month, and I know I've made some mistakes in my marriage and I've admitted them but its like she's totally shut down emotionally from me.
SadMan1 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 i don't have any advice. i'm in the same boat, man. that's all i wanted to say. good luck to you.
imagine Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 A souse will believe action, no fanfare, just solid work. The catch is - you must know what her emotional needs are to fulfill them!
Author CM2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 But it's hard to display action when your not around them
Alan430 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 [COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t183846/[/COLOR] I've posted here before about my wife and I being seperated. Just an update we're still seperated and from her words it seems as if it's over for us. Now, I sitll have hope and prayer that we'll work this out. Their is very little more that I can say to her. I feel horrible cause I don't know whats gonna happen and that I miss her so much. I tell her but she isn't putting some much stock into it. My question is what can I do to heal myself because it doesn't look good, second how can I show her that I care even though we aren't living together. She supposed to make her decision within the next week or so and she said it's a 20% chance of her staying, but she also said she im missed a little bit, and she made a commitment to me and to God, she still sort of unsure. I'm trying to fight depression but it's kind of hard I don't wanna do much, I've been working long and hard to keep my mind off the pain, and when I get off I work I watch a little T.V. and go to sleep early like 9:00pm. Let me know what you think. I will only speak from my experience but the STBXW gave me alot of the same stuff. The reality of it was that the walk away wife syndrome comes at a price. That price is guilt and alot of it. If i can offer any real advice it would be to not trust what she is telling you. It is the guilt talking and it will prolong your pain and give you false hope. Good Luck man, I feel your pain!
Author CM2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks, I'm not sure on how much to believe what she's saying, I know she's upset and seriously thinking about leaving.
seibert253 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks, I'm not sure on how much to believe what she's saying, I know she's upset and seriously thinking about leaving. Hate to be blunt CM, but she's already gone. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you need to let her go and move on. A good counselor will help tremendously. If your depressed, your doc can prescribe some anti-D's for the depression. But, above all else, time will heal.
Author CM2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice seibert but until she says it's over im holding on to hope, my faith is what's keeping me strong and I know through prayer we'll get through this. But thanks for the advice though, if we're done then we're done and then I can move on.
PWSX3 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice seibert but until she says it's over im holding on to hope, my faith is what's keeping me strong and I know through prayer we'll get through this. But thanks for the advice though, if we're done then we're done and then I can move on. Have you looked into some of the christian based retreats. I know focus on the family does some & New Life ministries. They say if you don't get your marriage back then they give you your money back. I do know it will take help & you will NOT be able to do it on your own. She has left & won't listen to you at least for now. In my case I had asked to do these things & the Ex said; no she was finished. Then two weeks before the divorce was final she wanted to work on things, by then I was done and had started moving on & yes you start seeing your spouse in a different light believe it or not.
Author CM2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Have you looked into some of the christian based retreats. I know focus on the family does some & New Life ministries. They say if you don't get your marriage back then they give you your money back. I do know it will take help & you will NOT be able to do it on your own. She has left & won't listen to you at least for now. In my case I had asked to do these things & the Ex said; no she was finished. Then two weeks before the divorce was final she wanted to work on things, by then I was done and had started moving on & yes you start seeing your spouse in a different light believe it or not. No I haven't really looked into retreats, but where would I find a good one at. My thing is I'm not going to give up til I know truely in my heart that its over and from what I've seen from her and know how she is, we're not done yet.
ScottT Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Man I completely understand how you are feeling because I am going through the exact same thing. There are no good answers and I can tell you right now for sure that there is nothing you can say to make her understand how you feel about her because she already knows and after a while it just makes her mad to keep hearing it. All I can say is I feel for you buddy and hang in there. They tell me there is life after divorce but it is real hard to see. I have been married for 20 years and now this is happening to me as well.
PWSX3 Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 No I haven't really looked into retreats, but where would I find a good one at. My thing is I'm not going to give up til I know truely in my heart that its over and from what I've seen from her and know how she is, we're not done yet. Google Steve Arteburn new life & that brings up one I wanted to go to when I still thought there was a chance. They have a talk show on the radio & I listen to it all the time. I also like Henry Cloud/ John Townsend, they have a web site that is good. I do wish you the best of luck, it won't be easy but I still believe making a marriage work is the best thing, but it also takes two working 100% to make it that way.
Author CM2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 Google Steve Arteburn new life & that brings up one I wanted to go to when I still thought there was a chance. They have a talk show on the radio & I listen to it all the time. I also like Henry Cloud/ John Townsend, they have a web site that is good. I do wish you the best of luck, it won't be easy but I still believe making a marriage work is the best thing, but it also takes two working 100% to make it that way. Thanks its hard because my side of the family wants me to leave, but for some reason I don't think it's time "yet." So it's really confusing for me right now on what to do. I kinda wanna stay but I know I don't a lot of the mess I've dealt with through the years, (you can read my old post to get info) and I really have to think long and hard if I do want to go back even if she wants me back.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks its hard because my side of the family wants me to leave, but for some reason I don't think it's time "yet." So it's really confusing for me right now on what to do. I kinda wanna stay but I know I don't a lot of the mess I've dealt with through the years, (you can read my old post to get info) and I really have to think long and hard if I do want to go back even if she wants me back. I commend you for being committed to working to keep your family together in every way possible. If (or should I say when) I should ever be in your shoes I am sure I will do the same... I cannot say that I feel your pain, as I am not in your shoes and have not been there, but as an outsider looking in, the best advice I have for you would be to let her go. Stop communicating your desire to have her back. Without being negative, or mean, down or depressed, allow her to be free to make her won decision. The neediness just makes them want you less... I know you've already got plenty of this type of advice, but that's because if there is ANY chance of her coming back it's because she can't stand the fact that you have seemingly moved on, and your OK with her moving on. Plus if she doesn't come back, then at least you will have your personal dignity intact. I can only imagine it would be very tough, but both you and I know it's the best move to make right now. Best of luck to you and your family.
Author CM2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 yeah I kind of made that choice to try the NC for a little while, and see what happends. Whats funny is that I was doing the NC a few weeks ago, she got made cause she said that I didn't care. I do care but I was trying to see what'll happen if she felt as if I stopped calling, well I'm about to try it again and see what happends. We go to the same church so I'll have to see her on Sunday but I'll keep it cool.
LakesideDream Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 CM, I have been where you are, minus the bogus 20% estimate of hopefullness. I hope you realize that this is just an effort on her part to keep you from being difficult in the short term. Her 20% is just a carrot, and she thinks your a donkey. I posted this today on Skin's long running thread and it's just as appropriate here: I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I absolutely loved and was deeply in love with my now ex wife right up to D-day. The last couple of years of our marriage I had redoubled my efforts to be a good husband, friend, and lover. The kids were grown and this was going to be "our time". It was everything I had worked for and dreamed of. Then in an instant on dreary late May day it was all over. It hurt like falling into the holy hobbs of hell. I had no idea whatsoever that my now ex had another agenda going. She was a good actress. I was fantasticly lucky to get through it all... and I had exactly the help I needed. Like many she took the "I'll really mess him over" route so that I would "hate" her. She knew exactly what she was doing. She truely believed that within six months I would be on the street homeless, or dead. And she might have been correct... like I said, I had the help I needed to survive. I will never underestimate the power of Love, or the pain of betrayal. I know just what BS's feel, and I am full of sympathy, literally full. Is she sorry now? Maybe for the way she acted and her tactics, I'll probably never know. Does she regret her actions? I'm sure she does not. She has who and what she wanted, unknown to me for decades. Do I wish her well... no sadly, I'm not that big a person. The best I can do personally is sigh and shrug my shoulders. I don't hurt anymore, I don't care anymore. Life has gone on. I have met new challenges and fought a good fight. I never lost my will to survive and succeed. I've paid my dues, and will continue paying as I know I will have to remain active, and productive until I just cannot. I will cross that bridge when I arrive there. I just wasn't good enough, or lucky enough to win or earn an easy life after .. so I'll stay in the game, as long as I can, and enjoy my life to the best of my abilities. Your a much younger guy Skin (and others).. You have another run left in you. Don't waste it ! CM, use your time, your life to your best advantage. While things seem hopeless now it really does get more liveable. That will to regain your strength and self esteem comes back slowly. It will come back if you let it. That's natures way. You are young, and healthy... enjoy it, because it won't last forever. Luck to you pardner.. luck to you.
Author CM2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Author Posted April 17, 2009 Thank you for the nice message Lakeside. D-Day is coming shortly and regardless of what she says I know i'll be fine, I do have high self esteem just right now it's kind of shaky right now for a obvious reasons. I still wear my wedding ring on my left hand because I don't give up on anything or anyone, until she says it's over and hands me the papers I know we can work this out. I have seen situations similar to mines where a couple is at the edge of divorce and something happends and turns the situation around for the both of them, so I have faith in that my situation will turn out alright and we can make it through this crisis. But if she does leave I will not support her at all, her medical insurance, the money I give her every two weeks will be gone, the joint account we share will be closed as soon as we get our taxes, and she'll have to find someone else to fix her car. Because my thing is if she wants me to leave then she must have already have a plan in place to support her and "her kids." So my thing is she must feel as if she doesn't need me at all, and well im ok with that because she is a strong woman, but only time will tell.
Recommended Posts