Husband and I are separated in house

[Coping]

He accuses me of having an EA (emotional affair) at work and can't seem to proceed unless I end my job. My job is the one financially stable thing in our lives--he is selfemployed, no benefits. The job market is extremely tight now. There is nothing out there. The ones I have applied for have rejected me. Plus I love my job--been there over 11 years.

 

Our marriage has been limping along for several years and I asked him to get help several times. I am guilty of seeking outside emotional help through girl friends and my friend at work. But that's it. And, I've stopped any friendship with guy at work. Problem is that interactions continue because of the work needed to be done.

 

Last week, husband insisted that he wanted back in our bedroom. I could not take it and was so relieved that it was an empty threat. He is a mean fighter. I am a bit of a coward in talking with him because his fury and his meaness shut me down.

 

He threatens to go to coworker or boss and tell them about how I feel -- how this has hurt my marriage. I ask him not to because I don't want to be fired or have my reputation killed.

 

I'm so over everything. My son was just diagnosed with seizures associated with epilepsy. My daughter is going through puberty. My Dad is 86 and is dying of heart failure.

 

I feel like I have to end our marriage. He tells everyone about my cheating. I know that having a friendship outside of marriage is bad. I consider myself extremely ethical on many fronts and just now learning it is ok to be human and make mistakes. In Individual Counseling and was in marital counseling. Just need another perspective. How do you know you aren't just in a fog of stress or that the marriage is truly over?

[Ronni_W]

This is a personal -- for me, my relationship would be over if my partner has only one solution, and it is all on me to effect that solution.

 

I could see it if your husband is actively engaged in repairing your marital issues and, with help of a professional, it is determined that leaving your job would be best for all concerned. (That is, I could make a case for that in general -- in this economy, it would need to be the last, last, last resort.)

 

There is nothing inappropriate about talking out your problems with friends -- that's what "social support network" means.

 

In your shoes, I'd call my marriage over on account of one person having already abandoned it in every meaningful way. Well, I'd give the guy one more opportunity and tell him all of this, and that he's not going to bully and emotionally torture me, anymore. I'd tell him that we are headed to somebody's office -- marriage counselor or divorce lawyer -- his choice.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and your son. My best wishes that your dad is at peace and also pain-free, and that your son's seizures will be able to be managed under proper medical care.

[TheJoker]

By the sounds of things ending your marriage will be for the best. I am sorry to say it but I do think it is better for you to leave it.

[five&dime]

Being a little familiar with your particular situation through some other threads, you would probably be better served here by providing more details about the extent of your relationship with the man at work and how that particular situation has been handled not just by your husband but by you, yourself.

 

From what I understand, your husband was not the one who initially "withdrew" from the relationship. It was you. Your husband had no idea that you had secretly withdrawn from the marriage until he discovered your relationship with the man at work.

 

So for someone to accuse your husband of being the one who abandoned the relationship first, that's an opinion based on a faulty assumption due to the incomplete information you have provided, right?

 

If you want well-thought out and meaningful advice from others, I would suggest providing more truthful and pertinent details about your situation.

 

Best of luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

Plus I love my job--been there over 11 years.

 

Do you love your job more than your husband and marriage?

 

He threatens to go to coworker or boss and tell them about how I feel -- how this has hurt my marriage. I ask him not to because I don't want to be fired or have my reputation killed.

 

He has every right to do that because you've brought this on yourself. Please stop blaming your husband..You chose to let another man close to your heart..The OM bent some rules at work so you two could "talk" online..DURING WORKING HOURS. That in itself is wrong. You work to make money not to flirt and have an emotional affair.

 

Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up and get out of your affairland fog. Whatever this OM provides for you IS messing up what you feel for your husband and marriage. The OM couldn't give a crap about this as he KNOWS you're married but figures he'll feed your ego and since you feed his, why not? You are justifying and downplaying this EA (emotional affair), fluffing it off like no big deal and you expect your husband to smile and take it from you, be OK with this. Let me ask you this..IF your husband was doing what YOU are doing now, how would YOU feel?

 

Everyone has problems in their lives and with that doesn't give you the right or justification to go and cheat...But most don't rely on another man to help them thorugh it, they rely on their SPOUSE. This OM is only making YOUR life worse and giving the marriage MORE problems..

 

feel like I have to end our marriage. He tells everyone about my cheating. I know that having a friendship outside of marriage is bad.

 

If you know it's bad, then WHY on earth are you hellbent on protecting this EA/friendship with the OM????

 

Sorry to be harsh, but if your husband chooses to tell people about your cheating, that's HIS right. Did you ask him permission before you cheated?

 

OK, so in the midst of your affairfog, and your feelings for the OM, end your marriage. Do it without even going to counselling or trying NO CONTACT with the OM to see if your marriage has a chance. If you feel all that you and your husband put into the life you've created together is worth throwing away so quickly, then DO IT NOW and don't prolong it. Why make EVERYONE suffer so you can have your cake and eat it too?

 

OR, start looking for another job or ASK for a transfer, end it completely with the OM and get counselling so you can deal with your issues - Then do counselling with your husband, give your marriage a real shot FOR your children's sake.

 

Anyway, there was a poster recently who said that once he did TOTAL no contact with his OW, (6-8 weeks) his feelings for his wife came back and even with more intensity.. And he is glad that he didn't leave his marriage for the OW.

 

They are currently working on their marriage, slowly, but atleast HE got out of the affairyland fog and can see much more clearly now. So, you need to stop being selfish and just thinking of your OWN needs. Think of your husband and your children.

[Meaplus3]

How do you know when it times to call it quits? When you have tried everthing possible to save the marriage and can honestly walk away with NO regrets. IMO, You should really try MC. Do you think your H would be willing to try this?

 

Mea:)

[whichwayisup]

He is a mean fighter. I am a bit of a coward in talking with him because his fury and his meaness shut me down.

 

Can you give an example of his fury and meanness? Or are you referring to this:

 

He threatens to go to coworker or boss and tell them about how I feel -- how this has hurt my marriage.

 

I ask him not to because I don't want to be fired or have my reputation killed.

But do you not see that YOU put your OWN reputation at risk by having an affair (emotional one atleast that we know of) with a male co-worker?? You aren't OWNING your part in this, all you're doing is blaming your husband for your selfish choices. If your reputation is ruined or if you lose your job, it won't be because your husband spilled the beans, it'll be because of your OWN actions and the OM's actions of inappropriate behaviour at work. Do you see that?

[jwi71]

He accuses me of having an EA (emotional affair) at work and can't seem to proceed unless I end my job.

 

Why does your H(usband) believe you are having an EA?

 

The ones I have applied for have rejected me. Plus I love my job--been there over 11 years.

They didn't reject YOU. You were not the PERFECT fit for the job and in today's climate, company's can DEMAND the PERFECT candidate.

 

Our marriage has been limping along for several years and I asked him to get help several times.

Care to elaborate? All marriages...I mean ALL have problems and rough patches. Do you think this is symptomatic of a crumbling M or simply a rough patch? Why?

 

I am guilty of seeking outside emotional help through girl friends and my friend at work. But that's it. And, I've stopped any friendship with guy at work. Problem is that interactions continue because of the work needed to be done.

What do you mean by "emotional help...friend at work"? I am willing to bet this friend (a male I presume) is the cause of your H's suspicions. And there is a fine line between a healthy platonic friend and an EA. Fortunately it is easy to discern if you ARE having an EA.

 

Have you ever lied to your H about meeting your OM? Either by omission or outright deception? The answer to that also answers if you are having an EA.

 

Last week, husband insisted that he wanted back in our bedroom. I could not take it and was so relieved that it was an empty threat.

Why is your H not in the bedroom? Why do YOU consider his returing ot the bedroom a threat?

He is a mean fighter. I am a bit of a coward in talking with him because his fury and his meaness shut me down.

Can you elaborate and/or explain? Is he mean now that he suspects an OM? OR is always like this? Has it gotten worse since he got suspicious?

If he is PHYSICALLY violent you MUST immediately call 911 and have him locked up. In fact, verbal abuse can also be sufficient for officers to either arrest or demand he leave for the night.

 

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE TOLERATE ABUSE.

 

He threatens to go to coworker or boss and tell them about how I feel -- how this has hurt my marriage. I ask him not to because I don't want to be fired or have my reputation killed.

This sounds like a man fighting for his M and not necessarily mean/nasty.

But it all hinges on if you ARE having an EA. IF you are, then these ACTIONS are NOT mean/nasty but actually ones of a man trying to save his M.

 

I'm so over everything.

If you are done with the M then end it. Call a lawyer and file for D. Do NOT drag this out. Do NOT make this worse by already deciding to end the M but not actually ending it. Thats hell for everyone.

My son was just diagnosed with seizures associated with epilepsy. My daughter is going through puberty. My Dad is 86 and is dying of heart failure.

I am sorry to hear that. Each of those alone is a stress and in aggregate it MUST be off the scales for you, your H and your family.

I feel like I have to end our marriage. He tells everyone about my cheating. I know that having a friendship outside of marriage is bad.

Well, I had growing suspicions while reading that you were having an EA and I think you realize it too. I say this because friends outside of M are necessary, good and proper. Within boundaries of course. And crossing those boundaries is an A. So your saying the above cements it for me.

 

Your H is making a bit more sense.

 

Maybe he is angry because he knows you have "crossed the line".

Telling the world of an EA is a tried and true way of ending the A. A's need secrecy to survive and telling everyone denies the A of that. It isn't to make your already stressful life worse...its to end the EA. I'll say it straight up...you keep your job and the A continues. Do NOT pretend you can NOW enforce boundaries you have already proven incapable of respecting. You're fooling yourself otherwise. And what your H hears is "I value my job and my OM more than you and this M". Not the path to recovery.

 

Is the OM your boss?

 

I consider myself extremely ethical on many fronts and just now learning it is ok to be human and make mistakes. In Individual Counseling and was in marital counseling. Just need another perspective. How do you know you aren't just in a fog of stress or that the marriage is truly over?

The only one to answer that is YOU. And honestly, you CANNOT answer that NOW because you are still having the A with the OM. I know you DON'T want to hear it but its true. Every sight, every contact, every "hi", every email continues the A. You MUST go NC (No contact) with him. As long as the A continues, you have filters on and cannot see straight.

 

Secondly...you have SO much going on in your life. I would NOT trust your decision making now. And in fact YOU dont even trust yourself.

 

So...make no decision. You need to clear your head first. Care for your father, care for your son and do your best to help your daughter in puberty.

 

I would HIGHLY reccomend going NC. This has NOTHING to do with your M...its about YOU. Office romances are bad, bad, bad news. The phrase "don't **** where you eat comes to mind".

 

I hope you return and asnwer and post more. The more you interact the better we can help...

[bentnotbroken]

Where's my check?:confused:

[Athena]

Try admitting what you have done, so you can deal with it