Don't know how to break the cycle

[39388]

I'm just turning 35 and have never had a date. I am now convinced I should try rather than give up. I do not know when to jump in.

 

A problem is I am angry about my lack of dates and know this anger could mess things up if I'm dating. Most of my anger over the last 15+ years has come from being alone and dateless. I don't know if this anger will damage my chances with a woman even if I do find someone. I'm most afraid that I'd be mad if she is into the *heavy* game playing, which I don't think I could handle or if she had a habit of not telling the truth. I am very loyal to friends and don't believe in playing games with people's emotions.

 

I get upset too when I read literally hundreds of threads by women here and elsewhere saying where have all the good guys gone. I want to say "right here" but then they say he must be hot. I feel about as hot as a 10 degree day. I feel I'm no more than a 3 in looks and everyone around me looks better. I am just over 6 feet, but feel I'm surrounded by better looking people.

 

I am kind of like the so called "nice guy", but not always. Some of the time I can be very bold and stand up for myself and put myself first, but other times I always just want to please others. I went back to school and am working on a doctorate, own a decent place to live in a nice neighborhood and am doing fairly well financially.

 

I don't know whether to start dating soon or work on getting rid of some of this anger about being alone. It seems hard to do one without the other!

[confused_2008]

39388, I feel for you man. I know you've been struggling with this for months (on the forum at least). I know it's been eating at you in real life a lot longer. The thing is, a lot of people on the forum are bitter after recently being burned by someone they love or multiple potential partners. The people in happy relationships tend to disappear after they recover and find someone new. You can't let yourself get immersed in this forum where the proportion of people who are having problems is significantly higher.

 

Carhill has given you some good advice regarding your anger. Have you tried just going out and meeting people with no expectations of what will happen? Trying to meet potential friends rather than a romantic partner will take some of the pressure you're feeling off and show you that people do want to be around you. If you have trouble finding friends, maybe it will help you find out what you can improve about yourself. It seems like you're stuck in a cycle of overanalyzying your problems but not actually doing anything to fix them.

[fan_tastic]

The best thing is to get a date with one you like, not necessarily the ultimate type. Chances are it won't go all that well but you have the chance to learn a lot. Do that again and again, in two years you'll feel comfortable and more realistic: if you don't plan on living single then you will know what to do.

 

I got a date by saying "Hi!" along with various invitations on hi5, I learned something from it. Proved to be no interest. A year later I asked the most common thing that came to mind while swimming at the beach. I got a couple of dates and this time learned a LOT.

[turnshyness]

Good to hear from you 39388! Glad you're being very patient w/ this process...Hang in there and just keep moving forward.

 

I think the biggest thing is - as much as it might sound cliquish, start "loving" yourself more than anything! You dont need to improve yourself but more on love yourself more. See the difference? When you start respecting yourself more - you're technically improving yourself BUT on a higher level..it's more of a long term solution than a band-aid just trying to patch up things.

 

Have you tried online dating yet? Last posts you had several weeks ago you were in the process of joining a dating site. I think it'd really great if you complete your profile and just jump right in...jump in w/ the mentality that you just want to meet people and you just want to "hang out". This way, it doesnt create unrealistic/negative expectations for you. If something develops out of hanging out - great! If not, oh well - it's just hanging out and just meeting ppl..you're there to mingle. Hang in there!

 

I'm just turning 35 and have never had a date. I am now convinced I should try rather than give up. I do not know when to jump in.

 

A problem is I am angry about my lack of dates and know this anger could mess things up if I'm dating. Most of my anger over the last 15+ years has come from being alone and dateless. I don't know if this anger will damage my chances with a woman even if I do find someone. I'm most afraid that I'd be mad if she is into the *heavy* game playing, which I don't think I could handle or if she had a habit of not telling the truth. I am very loyal to friends and don't believe in playing games with people's emotions.

 

I get upset too when I read literally hundreds of threads by women here and elsewhere saying where have all the good guys gone. I want to say "right here" but then they say he must be hot. I feel about as hot as a 10 degree day. I feel I'm no more than a 3 in looks and everyone around me looks better. I am just over 6 feet, but feel I'm surrounded by better looking people.

 

I am kind of like the so called "nice guy", but not always. Some of the time I can be very bold and stand up for myself and put myself first, but other times I always just want to please others. I went back to school and am working on a doctorate, own a decent place to live in a nice neighborhood and am doing fairly well financially.

 

I don't know whether to start dating soon or work on getting rid of some of this anger about being alone. It seems hard to do one without the other!

[fan_tastic]

It is wrong to concern yourself with self respect at this time. Get out there, make mistakes. From the few dates I mentioned, neither gave me the girlfriend and neither made me feel I was perfect about it, but I learned. Now I don't feel helpless any more.

[39388]

39388, I feel for you man. I know you've been struggling with this for months (on the forum at least). I know it's been eating at you in real life a lot longer. The thing is, a lot of people on the forum are bitter after recently being burned by someone they love or multiple potential partners. The people in happy relationships tend to disappear after they recover and find someone new. You can't let yourself get immersed in this forum where the proportion of people who are having problems is significantly higher.

 

Carhill has given you some good advice regarding your anger. Have you tried just going out and meeting people with no expectations of what will happen? Trying to meet potential friends rather than a romantic partner will take some of the pressure you're feeling off and show you that people do want to be around you. If you have trouble finding friends, maybe it will help you find out what you can improve about yourself. It seems like you're stuck in a cycle of overanalyzying your problems but not actually doing anything to fix them.

 

Yes, I've have struggled for many years. I have gotten helpful advice in this forum. Sometimes it is what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear. On the other hand, over the last 15 years, I have spent many many hours reading forums like this and many others. You can say overanalyze way too much. I've never posted before this forum, which does mean my confidence in at least posting is going up. I spend all these hours every day on the net. At a minimum I should post rather than just browse for hour after hour.

 

I do try and meet people and know more now than I have at any point in my life. I still have a lot of trouble getting a phone number or email, but not as much as a year ago when I was terrified of asking for anything. Maybe I need to try harder. I don't feel I have enough friends since I'm alone way too much on weekends. A few more friends and things might change a lot.

[fan_tastic]

I do try and meet people and know more now than I have at any point in my life. I still have a lot of trouble getting a phone number or email, but not as much as a year ago when I was terrified of asking for anything. Maybe I need to try harder. I don't feel I have enough friends since I'm alone way too much on weekends. A few more friends and things might change a lot.

 

Don't think too much about WHY you are getting that phone or email -> it really screws you up. Just think it would be cool to meet agin. Don't think about any possible "sex in the future" or some crazy ideas that mess up your brains, just be a bit romantic if that's what you feel like being. Otherwise you can be with the girl as though she were one of your pals, can't you?

[voldigicam]

I can see that being tough. My tendency between marriages was to ask everyone likely and possibly fun out. Sometimes there were duds, sometimes not. I joined a dating service or whatever they called it. Internet dating wasn't really going then, or I'd have done that. I went out all the time. Wednesday dinners. Saturday hikes. Dozens of dates. I always paid for everything. I got good at it, very comfortable, always had a great time even if it was weird. Got so I could say "Well, we don't really click, want to see a movie?" And that usually worked. Got laid lots. Really, that's what it took to grind down the resistance. Problem was this one girl kept showing up at my house. Ooops. She's still here 16 years later. So I didn't need the others.

[39388]

Don't think too much about WHY you are getting that phone or email -> it really screws you up. Just think it would be cool to meet agin. Don't think about any possible "sex in the future" or some crazy ideas that mess up your brains, just be a bit romantic if that's what you feel like being. Otherwise you can be with the girl as though she were one of your pals, can't you?

I thnink too much! Talk about a hard habit to break. Having female friends is not bad, but of course it's not the same thing.

[39388]

I can see that being tough. My tendency between marriages was to ask everyone likely and possibly fun out. Sometimes there were duds, sometimes not. I joined a dating service or whatever they called it. Internet dating wasn't really going then, or I'd have done that. I went out all the time. Wednesday dinners. Saturday hikes. Dozens of dates. I always paid for everything. I got good at it, very comfortable, always had a great time even if it was weird. Got so I could say "Well, we don't really click, want to see a movie?" And that usually worked. Got laid lots. Really, that's what it took to grind down the resistance. Problem was this one girl kept showing up at my house. Ooops. She's still here 16 years later. So I didn't need the others.

Great that you found someone!

 

Are you saying start dating now, even when I still have some anger inside me?

[clv0116]

I'm just turning 35 and have never had a date. I am now convinced I should try rather than give up. I do not know when to jump in.

 

How many women have you asked out today? Start now.

[socialight]

I am doing my very best to restrain myself here because I tempted to piss all over this little pity party.

 

You are 6 feet tall, doing well financially, have your own place, and are pursuing a doctorate. And you haven't had a date. It ain't your looks, its your attitude.

 

Brother, if you "think" you are a 3 on looks, then you are not a 3 you are a 1. What you don't realize is that if you "think" you are a 7 on looks, then you can be a 7. I didn't say you can be a 10. But you don't need to be a ten to get the job done.

 

I didn't read anything in your posts to imply you are making any effort to get dates or change your attitude.

 

In no particular order, do the following:

1) start busting your ass at the gym every day. I don't care what you do, just get there and do it.

2) Start taking salsa or other dance classes.

3) get a religion or something that makes you realize that getting angry about things never helps.

4) Get a part time job in a restaurant waiting tables or something with social interaction. Heck, become a walmart greeter. Something to get you tremendous repetition at meeting and dealing with random people.

 

After time, put it all together. You'll do great with a little training and a lot of confidence.

[39388]

You are 6 feet tall, doing well financially, have your own place, and are pursuing a doctorate. And you haven't had a date. It ain't your looks, its your attitude.

 

Brother, if you "think" you are a 3 on looks, then you are not a 3 you are a 1. What you don't realize is that if you "think" you are a 7 on looks, then you can be a 7. I didn't say you can be a 10. But you don't need to be a ten to get the job done.

 

I didn't read anything in your posts to imply you are making any effort to get dates or change your attitude.

 

In no particular order, do the following:

1) start busting your ass at the gym every day. I don't care what you do, just get there and do it.

2) Start taking salsa or other dance classes.

3) get a religion or something that makes you realize that getting angry about things never helps.

4) Get a part time job in a restaurant waiting tables or something with social interaction. Heck, become a walmart greeter. Something to get you tremendous repetition at meeting and dealing with random people.

 

After time, put it all together. You'll do great with a little training and a lot of confidence.

I get it and I am starting to do things to improve myself.

 

I'm already doing 2 of the 4 things you suggest.

 

I am now going to the gym. I have a long way to go before I'm in decent shape, but at least I'm going. I'm working very hard to get rid of this anger, though some of it is still there.

 

I have some ideas abouit meeting more random people and I could take a dance class.

 

Women never compliment my looks. They compliment my brain if anything. That is why I think I'm no more than a 3 on a good day and probably a 1 on a bad day. I clearly need more confidence here.

 

 

No one has told me not to try dating. I don't see how it would hurt to start very soon.

[Isolde]

 

Women never compliment my looks. They compliment my brain if anything. That is why I think I'm no more than a 3 on a good day and probably a 1 on a bad day. I clearly need more confidence here.

 

 

39388, women rarely compliment men they don't know on their looks.

[39388]

39388, women rarely compliment men they don't know on their looks.

I assumed that they did more often than rarely. You would definitely know better than me. It's just that over all these years I've never even heard in the background a compliment on my looks.

 

I do get compliments, but they are always on my intelligence. I should be happy for the compliments I do get rather than concentrate on what I may not get.

[D-Lish]

I assumed that they did more often than rarely. You would definitely know better than me. It's just that over all these years I've never even heard in the background a compliment on my looks.

 

I do get compliments, but they are always on my intelligence. I should be happy for the compliments I do get rather than concentrate on what I may not get.

 

I have NEVER complimented a guy on his looks too soon into knowing him.

I would always start with something safe LIKE intelligence or perhaps style "I like your hat"...something like that.

 

One thing I can tell you is that it probably IS your attitude. If you're feeling crappy on the inside- believe me when I tell you it shows on the exterior. That's the barrier.

 

Add the anger on top of feeling sorry for yourself- and you might as well be yelling at women "stay away from me".

 

Before attracting a partner- you have to work through this.

Therapy is a good start. Have you ever talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? Why not begin by exploring all the options, perhaps depression, anxiety, something else that has led you down this path of self loathing?

[39388]

Before attracting a partner- you have to work through this.

Therapy is a good start. Have you ever talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? Why not begin by exploring all the options, perhaps depression, anxiety, something else that has led you down this path of self loathing?

Yes, I am seeing a therapist for help on this.

 

I'm happy much of this time. However sometimes I can't get out of my mind my lack of experience dating and I get this very negative self image in numerous ways. When I focus on this continually for awhile the negative thoughts start building. That is what I'm trying to work thorugh.

 

I'm sometimes nervous around new people also. Another thing I need to work on.

[BobSacamento]

A lot of talk, blah blah blah.

 

My question is:

 

How many women have you asked out?

[39388]

A lot of talk, blah blah blah.

 

My question is:

 

How many women have you asked out?

None, been afraid to and never got any indication that anyone has been interested. I clearly need to make more of an effort. From all this talk on here, I'm realizing I've been afraid of nothing.

 

I need to keep working on whatever issues I have and part of that is jumping in and taking the risk of asking someone out. Not asking is an automatic no.

[Phateless]

I'm just turning 35 and have never had a date. I am now convinced I should try rather than give up. I do not know when to jump in.

 

A problem is I am angry about my lack of dates and know this anger could mess things up if I'm dating. Most of my anger over the last 15+ years has come from being alone and dateless. I don't know if this anger will damage my chances with a woman even if I do find someone. I'm most afraid that I'd be mad if she is into the *heavy* game playing, which I don't think I could handle or if she had a habit of not telling the truth. I am very loyal to friends and don't believe in playing games with people's emotions.

 

I get upset too when I read literally hundreds of threads by women here and elsewhere saying where have all the good guys gone. I want to say "right here" but then they say he must be hot. I feel about as hot as a 10 degree day. I feel I'm no more than a 3 in looks and everyone around me looks better. I am just over 6 feet, but feel I'm surrounded by better looking people.

 

I am kind of like the so called "nice guy", but not always. Some of the time I can be very bold and stand up for myself and put myself first, but other times I always just want to please others. I went back to school and am working on a doctorate, own a decent place to live in a nice neighborhood and am doing fairly well financially.

 

I don't know whether to start dating soon or work on getting rid of some of this anger about being alone. It seems hard to do one without the other!

 

The things I am going to say will be difficult to hear, but that is exactly why you know they are true.

 

1. join a gym and work out twice a week. GET YOUR ASS IN SHAPE.

2. spend $50 on a haircut at a NICE salon. Trust me, it's worth it.

3. go to a trendy store like express and pick the cutest girl there. walk up to her and say "i want a new look. i have $300 to spend. can you pick some things out for me?" Hang out with her while she's helping you find clothes. chit chat, be nice, but DO NOT try to hit on her. you'd be amazed what holding back a little bit will do.

4. practice making and HOLDING eye contact with every woman you see for a week. even strangers on the street, on the bus, whatever. you'll creep some out, but some will smile. smile back. you will be shocked at how hard this is. this is the first step to being comfortable in your own skin.

5. pay attention to your body language. do some googling on body language, read up. keep your hands out of your pockets, don't cross your arms in front of you, don't hold your beer in front of your chest. you look like EVERY other guy in the bar when you do that.

6. learn to flirt. seriously. do some more googling. gentle teasing (NOT MEAN SPIRITED) is best. you'll be amazed how far a warm smile and calling a girl "you dork." will get you.

7. join a club, something you enjoy doing. for me, swing and salsa dancing changed my life. lots of cute girls there, too.

 

When my ex left me 2 years ago, I was wrecked. She was my first and only GF and I thought it was pure luck that I had her. I thought I could never find anyone like that, I thought I was ugly, I thought I had lost my only chance to be with someone. I was with her for 5 years.

 

This was the lowest point in my life. I was desperate. I contemplated suicide daily.

 

Finally I decided this was my chance to prove to myself that I could get over it. I put myself on the same positive routine I listed above, and just forced myself to do it every single day, and after about a year, I was hooking up with more girls than I had time to hang out with.

 

Feel free to PM or IM me if you want to talk. You can beat this. You just have to make the choice to take your life by the balls and decide not to be the victim.

 

btw, confidence, body language, and sense of style make a HUUUGE difference in attractiveness. I NEVER got complimented on looks before. After going through my little transformation, I get checked out all the time. I've had a bartender ask me to stay and hang out with her after her shift gets off, right in front of my gf. I've had a girl tell me outright she wants to sleep with me, right in front of a friend i thought was way better looking than me. i've been grabbed from off the street and pulled into a club, etc, etc. For a few months I was making out with a new girl every weekend (literally) without even trying. It was ridiculous. I was putting 4 new numbers in my phone per week. I would see really cute girls checking me out and at times think "i'm not in the mood right now. Tough _ _ _ _ for her.

[runner]

i've found that the more i showed interest in someone else, the more they became interested in me as well. for the most part anyways; i can't say that everyone i've ever met has ever found me intriguing. but you really do need to show that willingness. that itself is pretty attractive and could grow into something.

[Phateless]

i've found that the more i showed interest in someone else, the more they became interested in me as well. for the most part anyways; i can't say that everyone i've ever met has ever found me intriguing. but you really do need to show that willingness. that itself is pretty attractive and could grow into something.

 

but you have to be careful not to overdo it. there's a process, and some people know it instinctively, and some people need it explained to them.

[39388]

3. go to a trendy store like express and pick the cutest girl there. walk up to her and say "i want a new look. i have $300 to spend. can you pick some things out for me?" Hang out with her while she's helping you find clothes. chit chat, be nice, but DO NOT try to hit on her. you'd be amazed what holding back a little bit will do.

 

A lot of valuable advice! I get the feeling I may be better at some of the stuff you mention than I give myself credit for. Other items I have to work on.

 

When you say "cutest girl there", do you mean someone who works at the store or just anyone in the store at that time?

[39388]

I definitely want to show interest in a woman, but I think being too clingy and desperate would not be good.

[carhill]

Pretty sure it's a store employee...

 

OP, I could take you on a mileage run and you'd meet all kinds of women. Which country? They're all cheap right now. I'm thinking Singapore, if you've got 5 days

 

The operative action is to push away from the keyboard and get out there. Heck, I was sending a few signals tonight to the young lady at the pharmacy getting my mom's meds for me. Small talk her enough and she remembers my name. Purely innocent.

 

I remember being disappointed, rather than angry, during my years of failure in the dating world. The reasons were all within myself but just had to be discovered. I think, when things turn for you, it will happen quickly. Hope you're ready