ForumFool Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hi I am new so please be kind. I feel beat up enough. I have been married for 15 years. I knew from sometime in year 1 he was a liar and kind of odd and his s*xual habits are off the wall...I have not been happy in my marraige for YEARS and have been hit once, lied too so many times, had him ruin our checking account and our finances. I stayed in part because we had planned a traditional marriage...me not working..so I don't and didn't have the cash to go anywhere. I also have some medical conditions and needed medical insurance. We get along..people always tell us we are a cute couple..but ....they don't know the lies and all. So the other day we were at the library looking for jobs ...here we have dial up and its too slow..I was done and came up behind him to tell him I was going to the car to sit with our dog.....Imagine my shock when I saw he wasn't LOOKING for a job he was on a yahoo email account I didn't know about..I saw s&x on the side and affair site folders....Jumping to save you reading a book when we got home...he gave me his password....OMG he has been living a double life.....saw an old school mate twice for coffee and had one girl he spoke to a lot ...I saw he told her of one weekend HE ENDURED me ....jeeze it was the 4th of July one and I thought we had fun at the beach.....he also told her he stayed as he is loyal...um how is it loyal to be on these sites and as he said in another email where some chick was trying to scam him into paying for a web dance......he said right out I AM TRYING TO CHEAT ON MY WIFE Now please understand I have not been in love with him for years and all so losing him is no big deal...in fact it will be a freedom from his lies and messed up bank accounts and so on...but I am hurt ..pride I guess and VERY vexed that he has credit cards he used for these sites and took cash from here for gas but instead...used it to pay his secret credit card.....on top of that he hasn't allowed me to go to the doc much or get new glasses because he said we are broke...but he sure made sure he had cigs and s*x sites...I can honestly look back and say I am a nice person and have been a good wife....and am just stunned... I do not have a job and haven't in 15 years so its not gonna be easy to get one..I want my dog .....I won't leave without him.....can leave all else but my dog no way.... So one of my questions is..what do I do??? Right now he collects unemployemt and we may be close to losing our home...have no equity in it now....value fell and hubby let all the repairs stockpile to a junkie place ..Do I get out? Do I ask him? Do I just stay status quo till the bank takes it???? Ideally I would like to see a lawyer but I can't pay...I have no family and no assets....JUST THE HOUSE and a car with pmts on it....Ugh help me someone I am so fed up..I do not want to stay but can if need be...we do not yell or fight......he isnt hitting me.....He is never really sorry and does things like gets on his knees and prays then gets up as if that makes it better.....though he will lie to me a second later ....He told me at first he was taking botttles in for paying in those sites.....but I am not that dumb and he has a folder in there with his bank account and statements.....I did screen shots on those...... HELP What do I do first? I could move to a persons place short term ......but will I lose anything if there is anything to be had by the house? Should I fake make the house payment and use it for moving..a lawyer...and let the bank take it? Do I sign our tax forms? Any advice would be helpful..Like I said I am more mad than hurt though of course I am hurt to be trying to be a decent christian in a bad marraige and have him do this kinda thing...He has done so much to me over the years it isnt toooo much of a shock....I also think he may be a sex addict ...we could not pay for a piecing HE wanted to he did it himself with a AWL ...um a few...down you know where...as we have not had sex in ages I saw it..all he wants to do is cross dress and be hit......pain and all.....ANYHOW I talked too much here so please help in any way you can..I know you are not lawyers but you may be going through this or have an can help me some Thanks ahead your friendly forum fool
Author ForumFool Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Could someone please see me
Author ForumFool Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Go to social services in your area. Then find legal aid. Your choices are only 2 walk away or stay. What are you staying for? Thank you so much for posting to me I feel so sad and down and trapped....so many things then add to that alone....even in here I seem to be overlooked. I am guessing maybe its my posting style I dunno..... I know I can stay or go....but here is where I get stuck....I have not worked in 15 years......I can't seem to get a job ...I have HUGE medical issues and thus a pretty big monthly medical bill for insurance and also my meds....sigh ....that and when/if I can ever get out I really need to have that covered and also my dog he has neurological issues and thus needs special meds..I know some would say get rid of him ..but I can't....being a medical mess myself I would not do that to him....he is the only friend I have...I love him and am loyal... I do plan to try to get to DSS but am not sure we have a legal aide here....but hope to check.....Hubby is laid off and I am never alone....For 8 years unless he was at work he has not let me go out to meet a friend or even get milk.....not that he doesn't trust me...I haven't screwed HIM over ..but he always just joins me.....I am trying to think of a way to get out without him..... The final reason I have not left yet (keep in mind I have only known about this new going on for years sex site stuff and credit cards for a week) is I co-own the house ....it may or may not go into forclosure....if it does (they are trying to work out a plan) then adios...but if it doesn't I may ...may.....have some equity in it....something to start my new life with..if I walk now I could lose that I THINK? but I don't know...I guess I am trying to walk when I can get the best I can to start over........ In short right now...a week after finding out...I have zero money...no job...no family.....nothing....Where would I move.....what would I eat....and how would I get my meds.........let alone do all this with a huge dog with me......so I am here looking for help on how to do it and also some support because I am really hurting .....hurting a lot and scared.......scared on the medical and my dog....... I may be able to move in with someone....short term with dog....but can't say yes or no till we see how the dogs get along and also my medical I am also kinda pissed off because I could have had a few affairs but didn't ..one dude I still care for and have avoided for 2 years.......dummy me I hope you come back on or someone else I am so down tonight and just wanna go to bed and not wake up
desertmoon Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Hi FF! I think a lot of people are just stunned by your story....I know I am quite frankly, just "speechless". I do not know very much about medicaid and disability. But is that maybe something you can research? I mean, if you can somehow prove that the reason you cannot work is because of your medical conditions I think you can get some type of help...I am not sure... There are some legal minds here and some who are very knowledgeable about divorce and division of property and such--here's hoping they will read your story and post! Please hang in there, and keep posting...you can also read other people's story and perhaps get some info or learn something or even just to distract you from your pain right now.... or is there anything I can do to make you smile a little bit? how about these bunnies, huh?------>:bunny::bunny:!
Author ForumFool Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks Desertmoon , I once tried to get ssi before this new mess just to get some income ..as we were hurting or duh I thought we were ....I will see if I can try again but I could MAYBE get full disability IF I had a place already I think? Though it sometimes takes years to get Disability..I could work or work some...I have looked at jobs that maybe I could do like one job was for at a doggy daycare place.....but I didn't have anything to put in the area for past jobs so I was nixed ....This um lol doesn't help ...I saw a shrink once and he said to GET OUT and I didn't...I know IF I could see him again..maybe even if not he would say I am entiltled to SSD OR SSI .....I suffer PTSD.....and have the a major physical issue or two but one would help me get it ..... I don't mind working ....if I can do it and also if someone would cut me a break and even try me to see I am a good worker and honest person....but sometimes I don't think that matters... I just wish to have a place to go..I am not sure but think when you have a place you can get assistance beter because you can say I have x amount income and these are my bills..As it is now...whine HIS umemployment and other money he gets is legally considered mine too...thus.....the few places I have been to like a free clinic here ....they say no help because we make x amount...I just seem to fall through all the cracks....THOUGH YOU may have given me a good idea.....I can maybe tell him I am going back to try SSI and maybe he will let me go alone......and I can TRY to do it all that day like legal aide ..if we have one and DSS ..I can pray they will understand I want and need out....... I mean he acts like nothing is wrong or changed....so he isnt fighting with me or withholding any cash etc.....I can stay here till and if I can make the best move.....If he would get a job it would help cause I could get more done and get some el casho out of him for my future... Thanks for the reply and bunnies...I do lol a lot odd as that sounds...like when I read his letters to those girls on the fake affair sites....he couldn't score ...then some gal asked him if he was a priest and he said NO I am TRYING to cheat on my wife I have an odd sense of humor and just had to lol at what a loser he is.....then he was like bragging on what a gem he is because he is loyal and stays due to my medical issues but ummmmm not true, he stays because nobody really wants him......and how loyal can one be cheating and spending cash on sluts ...or pseudo sluts (most of the gals are paid to keep them online and fees up for shows) ...But some of the stuff did hurt......still I had to lol and the girls supposed names :lmao: one was Krista Kool
Reggie Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 See a lawyer specializing in Social Security matters. Almost everyone under 50 gets turned down initially and you have to appeal. If you have decent medical evidence(and your lawyer can help with obtaining this) you can get SSDI. And, in most cases , it is awarded retroactively, so you may have a large lump sum coming. Your lawyer will work on a coningency, so there is no upfront cost. Check with the bar association for a referral. Generally, there is no testimony and your lawyer does all the work. Good luck.
Author ForumFool Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Hey Reggie I was in the shower sorry to take so long to see this.... thanks ..I have seen a LOT of TV ads for those lawyers and hubby would not figure it out it was just for me Great idea too and maybe they will help me ....sending me places othewise too
jwi71 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 ForumFool, The advice I have isn't exactly what you are looking for I'm sure. Nor is probably what you want to hear. Because of the economic condition you describe, I do NOT recommend leaving for strictly financial reasons. As you are well aware, money becomes an issue. And, to be honest, there is no relief this calendar year and a good chunk of the next. For someone who has not worked in 15 years, the job outlook is bleaker still as your skills have atrophied over time. Take this time to learn skills. Take advantage of ANY programs that teach skills. Perhaps consider volunteering. Yes, it obviously doesn't pay but that isnt the point. It gives you "resume" activity, develops marketable skills, networks you and keeps you occupied (so you aren't constantly stuck at home). If home is not abusive and "tolerable" then stay the course. To leave may invite further ruin upon yourself and your FUTURE. As far as cheating, do NOT. Do NOT regret the oportunities. Like you, my spouse cheated on me and I had MANY opportunities to cheat - and passed on them all. Like you, I also thought "WTF did I pass for"? Answer: Dignity. Character. Integrity. Sadly, the world now doesn't obvisouly or externally reward such traits. Good is seen as weak. Not so. It does count. It counts to YOU. You have NO shame. Keep it that way. And, should you be religious, its one less sin to have to explain.
Author ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 JWI71 Thanks for posting and hey I am glad for any and all advise or suggestions...ways to look at the issue etc...I have a very thick skin.....otherwise how could I go to sleep in the same bed as this creep I have thought about this too....I mean lol my resume looks rather sad.....and I am over 50 so my associates degree dates me....Then add to that I had my own business when I married my husband ....so I was my last reference This I am kinda screwed I called legal aide today and they were not in......I want to check out all options then make the move to do whatever is best for me and the dog...IF I could get medicaid I would be OK.......FOOD STAMPS TOO because my cousin said I could move to his place....but now the medical need to be looked at as well as how my moving will affect any assets left .....most of it has been pissed away..... No he isn't hitting me or anything like that .....and IF need be I will stay ..I have a 3 bedroom house and would be in another bedroom now if the other two had decent heat....by spring or summer I could be in another room should I still be here..I get you.....We eat meals together...we are really very civil right now.. though today he got one of his credit card bills and said he was Overlimit...he wants to pay that and skip my car pmt..I told him point blank he will not do that or I will send copies of all I have on him all over .....he shut up....I think the car pmt will be made...Too I can take a lot of vacations to my cousins ....seems it would be allowed.....so I do not have to be around him so much It hurts not my womanhood I am still nice looking and wear smaller size clothes than when I married....I am a nice person and lots of fun....I like me all in all.....but it hurts to be made a fool of and lied too...esp having had him tell me no money to see my one doctor for 2 years and then I find out he had plenty of cash for sluts...So IF I can get out of here I hope too...if I have to stay that I will......If he could get a job I could get cobra in a divorce........AND YES I am a christian though a part of me still to be honest wishes I had done the 1 dude especially...... What a mess my life is. Thanks and please people don't be afraid to talk to me
Author ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 And I do plan on checking out SSDI ..aka ssi....once and IF I am turned down on all that......I am wondering how bad or stupid or weak it would be to stay and just use him for the income for my medical and a roof...maybe going back and forth between my cousins (for sanity) and here? I mean IF I see a lawyer and am shot down on SSDI....Welfare....alimony...we dont have kids so I doubt that .......medicaid...if I cannot get any of that ..per a lawyer looking into it....and my husband KNOWS I am done with him .....what's so wrong about staying and being like married room mates? WE kinda have been anyhow I am looking into ALL so do not get me wrong my best hope is to get the hell away from him and leave him die alone and lonely but wow what if I can't get any help ...esp with medical.........
momto3 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 FF I wanted to PM you about my thread but apparently since I rarely posted here I cant do that yet. I read your story and it is breaking my heart. Makes my problems seem almost pale in comparison. I agree try to get SSDI and appeal if you get turned down. Do be aware though that the appeal can take upwards of 8 months or more but if you win you will get all your benefits awarded to you from the date your claim was filed. The attorney can only take a certain percentage of what you are awarded and that is I think 25% or $5300 which would be the max they can take. If you lose you owe them nothing so you have nothing to lose by pursuing it bc you have to pay nothing up front. I would also look into welfare as others have suggested. You may qualify for cash food stamps medicaid etc I agree until you get yourself sorted financially you should probably stay put. If you are able to do some type of job with your medical problems its worth a shot if you cant get govt help. Otherwise I dont see how realistically you can get out of this right now. Filing for divorce costs money obviously and daltho legal aide was suggested and they may be able to help you but where would you go? I would work on trying to get the assistance and then definitely try to get out. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this whole situation you are so sweet and deserve better. I wouldnt worry so much about the house right now since you arent in the position to leave just yet. Thats something to think about down the road, if you in fact have any equity left. I know I am negaative in my house now but hopefully things will rebound at some point. Again I am so sorry for what you are going through and having dealt with my own EA for so long I know how you feel believe me and I know what it feels like to be trapped. Been there done that. The good news is..and I am trying to be positive...things can only get better! (Or so I am praying that they will for you)
Author ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 (((momof3)) too cool to see you here and thank you..yeah I am kinda stuck between a rock and a hardplace....One can hope and pray..which I am that I get SSI then if/when I move it will go to a higher amount ...I am a royal idiot to not have left the first year ....like a loon I stayed 15 ..duh...year one much emotional abuse plus he told me when I got in his face that a sales rep he saw....he wanted to run his hands up her legs and I had found out he took her to lunch on company bucks but still to a fancy place........year one...I kinda blame me for staying ....I was weak and dumb..now I am no longer weak just sickly and stuck I too can't PM we may be too new Thank you so much ya know..I think about things long after I read them and was thinking about your being physically abused and your baby inside....ya know we deserve better in life and have both messed up a lot but are human and we both try....like that old song .... We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears I pray I get out and you can kick the ea.....I wish we could pm.....maybe soon
Author ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I am gonna be working on ALL of this ...it may take like 2 weeks or more I am also praying God makes it clear what I am to do as far as go stay at cousins off and on or totally...... I am about to sign outta here but thank you all and maybe I will see ya Wed....night and have a better day today (Wed)
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