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He says he doesn't want a relationship with me, but still wants to "hang out"??

avacakes

By avacakes
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avacakes Member

avacakes

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Hi,

 

I really hope I can get some good insight on this, I really love this guy. This is my last ditch effort of sorts just to get others opinions. My heart has been broken, and I don't know if I have the words to describe our situation but here goes. short version :)

 

We have been seeing each other for a year and a half, kept in touch while he was stationed in Iraq and when he got back we started dating. The first few months were great, I met his family, friends....but then he started being distant, would pull little disappearing acts for a few days...just randomness. So we broke up for a while, him tellling me that he didn't want a relationship. That was about 8 months ago. We've still been seeing each other, he tells me he cares but honestly he just comes around when he wants to. I haven't wanted to rock the boat and lose him but it has done real damage to my self esteem.

 

My friends tell me just to leave him alone. And i try, i don't call him at all or text anymore...but then he always shows up wanting to see me...making me think that he cares. I told him i was tired of hi indifference, always keeping me at arms length. What should I do? When i try to move on I cant. I love him but I want my dignity back. Everyone says to just cut him off completely....I believe he does care but he is being selfish! Any insight? It is sooo hurtful to be in this.....help:(

Lucky_One Established Member

Lucky_One

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When you say he wants to see you, I assume that you mean he wants to see you naked?

 

If so, then you have become nothing more than a booty call. No wonder your heart is broken.

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avacakes Member

avacakes

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When you say he wants to see you, I assume that you mean he wants to see you naked?

 

If so, then you have become nothing more than a booty call. No wonder your heart is broken.

 

Yes, we are still sleeping together. I know in that regard that this is my fault and i am being naieve. Knowing that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I guess in some ways I have just been hanging on hoping that that things would go back to the way they were. The thing is, we still go out sometimes...movies, dinner....it's so confusing. I have tried to move on and cut off contact....just the other night he just showed up. Just when I'm out the door, he comes back around. I flat out told him that I don't want to be just sex for him. I guess I'm just prolonging the inevitable by hoping for a miraculous change of heart from him.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

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Listen plain and simple, GET RID OF HIM. Bite the bullet and go through the pain of detaching from him now and just let him go. When a person says they want to hang out and not be in a rel. or whatever variation from that after they break up it means they want you around until something better comes along. Why would want to stick around for that? have some pride and tell him "thank you but no thank you I am worth a lot more than some table scraps for sex"

 

Personally I don't even believe in keeping exes as friends, when it's done it's done regardless who wants out because someone always hurts more. Cut your losses and move on. He is totally using you.

Geishawhelk Established Member

Geishawhelk

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You're just a FWB....

 

Most people think this is a Friend With Benefits.

 

I think it means a F**K-Wench Buddy.

 

he is using you for sexual relief and gratification.

 

Please, do yourself a favour and salvage a little bit of dignity.

Say what you mean, and deal with it.

Because he will just keep pushing you for more and more, and give less and less of a damn about it.

bubblegum Established Member

bubblegum

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I'm sorry, but I have to agree with others, he is using you. How arrogant of him to just show up! He doesn't even have enough regard for you to give you a call first and find out if you're busy or not. When you told him you didn't want to be just sex for him what did he say? Did you sleep with him that night?

 

Actions speak louder than words.

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avacakes Member

avacakes

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I'm sorry, but I have to agree with others, he is using you. How arrogant of him to just show up! He doesn't even have enough regard for you to give you a call first and find out if you're busy or not. When you told him you didn't want to be just sex for him what did he say? Did you sleep with him that night?

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I totally agree, actions do speak louder than words. No I didn't sleep with him after i told him that. After I said that to him, he said he was at a "loss for words" and that most of what I said about him being indifferent was true he supposed.

 

I know how this sounds....like I am just some doormat being used for sex. It hasn't always been like this, and it hasn't always been about sex. I guess i just need help dealing with this....on how to move on, how to reconcile in my head the person I thought he was with this person now that he's showing me. I know once I get some distance from this, I'll be able to get some clarity. I mean, of course I don't want to be used just as a **** buddy....i have real true feelings for this man and he is stomping all over them. I agree with everything that everyone has said. Im just trying to find the strength to cut off contact I guess.

bubblegum Established Member

bubblegum

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Good for you for not sleeping with him, and good for you for seeking support in order to gain the strength to deal with him in the best way. That alone shows you determination.

BCCA Established Member

BCCA

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Youre being manipulated. He knows you want more, but he is using your feelings against you. Youre affraid to be too harsh, or not give in to sex, because thats all youre getting from him right now, and it probably seems like a way to keep him from sleeping with other people.

 

Its not. If/when someone else is down, he'll sleep with them, and then forget about calling you. You may hear from him one day when his other well runs dry, but with each passing day, his concern/respect for you is falling.

 

I've been in your shoes, and Im a guy. Once someone decides youre only good for a lay, and they dont want anything else from you, thats all you'll ever be. It really sucks, and I know it hurts, but this is all youll ever get from this dude, and youd deserve much more.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

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I mean, of course I don't want to be used just as a **** buddy....i have real true feelings for this man and he is stomping all over them. I agree with everything that everyone has said. Im just trying to find the strength to cut off contact I guess.

 

 

I understand everything you are saying, it IS super hard. I wish I could tell you do it right now and don't waste another minute, but I am not you and that will only prove to be counter productive unless you are convinced that the timing is perfect for you.

 

So having said that, the best I can say is you will know when enough is enough (hopefully sooner than later) and when you do cut him off you must be prepared to do it 100% no looking back. The last thing you want to do is fall back on your word therefore you must be totally sure you have the strength to do it when you do it. He will try to talk you out of it and because you are vulnerable you will give in, and you must not give in.

 

I wish you strength and sincerely hope you can do this soon, for your best interest and because the sooner you do it the sooner you can start your path to detaching and getting over him. It won't happen if you keep him in your life.

burningashes Established Member

burningashes

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I agree with other posters. Get rid of this guy. You know the adage, "Why buy the cow if you're getting milk for free?" That's exactly what he's doing to you. Why would he be in a relationship with you if he gets you for free? Perhaps not sex, but he gets to see you.

 

Don't be scared- I've been in your shoes with my ex after we broke up. We went on/off in a half assed relationship for nearly 3 years until I went insane and walked away. I was too scared to draw the line and it cost me my sanity. I regret that I let it go on for so long, so please don't make the same mistake. Take the advice the other posters gave you, it's very good advice that I would also recommend that you go along with.

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avacakes Member

avacakes

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I agree with other posters. Get rid of this guy. You know the adage, "Why buy the cow if you're getting milk for free?" That's exactly what he's doing to you. Why would he be in a relationship with you if he gets you for free? Perhaps not sex, but he gets to see you.

 

Don't be scared- I've been in your shoes with my ex after we broke up. We went on/off in a half assed relationship for nearly 3 years until I went insane and walked away. I was too scared to draw the line and it cost me my sanity. I regret that I let it go on for so long, so please don't make the same mistake. Take the advice the other posters gave you, it's very good advice that I would also recommend that you go along with.

 

Thank you! That's exactly how I feel....like I'm friggin going insane. Like I don't know if I'm coming or going, and like I'm in this hellish relationship limbo. Just when I'm out the door, and I'm positive that I'm done he comes back around. And the kicker is that when we are together it's so easy and comfortable and I feel like he truly does care. So then I make excuses, try to justify....it's crazy.

 

I already feel like Ive let things go on for too long...but I don't know what to do with all of these feelings. Did you finally just go no contact with him?? Ignore his calls??

 

Just last night he wanted to come see me and bring me dinner...blah, blah,....but of course not for valentines day. So here I am feeling even worse and more lonely on V-day than what I normally would be feeling. Thanks to everyone for thier advice....

gwynieatpain Established Member

gwynieatpain

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Run ...

 

Get rid of him. Just like the other posters said.

 

I'm very sorry about your situation. I feel for you. So many good guys outthere unfortunately we have met the bad ones.

 

My ex has a good history of messing around. Cheated on me when we were in LD, many times, I found out when things were over. :lmao:

 

He is now dating a Korean girl. He told his friends that their relationship was completely physical and he had made clear to her that nothing was going to happen ... they were not going to have a future because the Korean girl spoke little English his family won't accept it. I have never met this Korean girl but I felt sorry for her, and I cannot fathom the fact that he slept with her, he bought her to holidays and to meeting his friends but he'd never claimed her as his girlfriend. You know what? My ex is still looking around and sleeping around. The girl is fine about it. :sick:

 

Your guy may not be as bad as my ex. But when they signal you that they don't want a relationship with you ... RUN! Don't dwell into it. It's not your fault that he doesn't want you. It's his fault that he doesn't know what he wants.

burningashes Established Member

burningashes

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Yes, go with no contact. Make it clear that you want to be in a relationship, otherwise, he's out. I went no contact and started dating someone else eventually, so that probably also gives me the strength to forget about my ex. My new guy is awesome, and he's in a commited relationship with me because he wants to be, unlike my ex.

 

Trust me, cut this guy loose- there are plenty of better men out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve. He's just renting you with the gestures he does to keep you in his grips and you have to break loose before you get hurt BAD. What are you going to do when he one day casually mentions he's got a girlfriend now? Or he hooked up with some one because you guys techincally weren't in a relationship? It happens.

 

You'll be much happier for it whether you find someone else or are single. good lucki.

Rissy New Member

Rissy

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First of all, I'm so sorry for you because I too loved a man with all my heart that did and said the same things. Told me he loved me and I was his best friend just to keep me around, and then said he didn't want to be in a relationship, but we could still hang out. I learned a HUGE lesson, and I think you are learning one too. It is time for you to put him in your past and make a clean break. No more waffling or letting him back in. You must be firm with yourself and not take his calls, reach out to him, or respond to him. If he truly wants and loves you, he will do whatever it takes to PROVE to you that he should be in your life. He doesn't deserve you, and you DESERVE to be with a man who will show you and tell you how he feels, and as long as this guy is in the picture, you won't allow others in. It's so very hard when you love someone, but you have to put yourself first. Best of luck to you honey!

chrislovestosurf Established Member

chrislovestosurf

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sorry to hear this, some dudes just arent meant to be tamed.

Mary3 Established Member

Mary3

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I totally agree with ALL the posters and OP read these responses carefully because what everyone is saying is TRUE.

 

I am going to go out on a limb and suggest something that might not be pleasant. It could be....that YOU did something that caused him to pull away. Please don't take offense but rather think : Did you become clingy or push for anything like a committment or marriage ? Think hard.

 

Not that it matters as much now. For some reason he just wants the pooooontang now instead of the relationship.

 

If a relationship is what you are looking for then this might be for further analyzing in your future.

 

It could be you did nothing wrong and he was just being selfish and walked away.

LeroyJose Member

LeroyJose

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Well, mostly said "get rid" of him. Good advices will remain advises unless followed. Let him hear your voice. Yeah it hurts but choose: always getting hurt each time he ignores you (although not much as compared of loosing him) or get totally hurt and get rid of him and then recover from it?

If I were you, I'd choose the latter. Cut it off and start anew..

bluehare07 Member

bluehare07

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How long have you been in that situation? My suggestion would be weigh what's gonna be more beneficial to you - your heart or your pride and then decide.

dwightl Member

dwightl

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Gid rid of him.. Don't think, just do it. He's very much unfair to you, you know? Thank God you're strong.

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avacakes Member

avacakes

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How long have you been in that situation? My suggestion would be weigh what's gonna be more beneficial to you - your heart or your pride and then decide.

 

It's been going on too long-this crazy limbo. We dated a few months after he came home from Iraq, and those months were great...then he pulled away, we broke up and this back and forth hot and cold randomness has been going on for about 8 months. I know, what sane person would stay and endure that? Like I said before, I feel like this is driving me insane. I'm hoping that I am strong enough to walk away once and for all. I don't want to hate him, or hold a grudge....I just want to not feel this way.

dwightl Member

dwightl

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It's been going on too long-this crazy limbo. We dated a few months after he came home from Iraq, and those months were great...then he pulled away, we broke up and this back and forth hot and cold randomness has been going on for about 8 months. I know, what sane person would stay and endure that? Like I said before, I feel like this is driving me insane. I'm hoping that I am strong enough to walk away once and for all. I don't want to hate him, or hold a grudge....I just want to not feel this way.

 

Why not talk to him seriously about this. How you feel and what you want. If you won't get solid answers then there's no point in staying with him. Although it hurts, I'd rather take it than to be with him and go nowhere. You'll congratulate yourself when it's over.

JoL Established Member

JoL

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He's just not that into you. He's using you for his own needs until something/someone that he wants to commit to comes along.

 

This is not about what you did, didn't do, could have done etc. It's about the fact he doesn't want to commit to you.

 

If you want to commit to him and you aren't getting what you want you need to cut this guy loose...RIGHT NOW. STOP any contact of any sort. Tell him not to turn up on your doorstep, tell him you want to be left alone because he can't give you want you want, so you won't be giving him what he wants anymore either. Simple.

 

Pack your dignity and walk away from this mess before you really get hurt.

Brittanyxo7 New Member

Brittanyxo7

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I think you should cut him off i was in a simalar relationship and it hurts when you dont seem him anymore but you move on and hang out with your friends and you will be fine. Dont let a guy use u for sex that is wrong.

ladybugs Member

ladybugs

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I hate when this happens, spoils the entire memory of the relationship. Makes it trivial:lmao:

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