MotherGooze Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well I posted about my situation in this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t178859/ I'm really going crazy. Ever since I saw him on friday I just can't get him out of my mind. This morning I saw him while he was driving to work and I was bringing my son to school. Well, I didn't see him until it was to late to wave or anything, but I saw that he was waving and smiling. Then I got a message: "your face was unhappy to see me " I send back that my face was on robot mode and if I had seen him I would have smiled. He should know I'm always happy when I see him. I told him I love him! I send him a mail on saturday expressing my feelings. I know he had a very busy weekend and he hasn't made it online yet. It's a sincere mail, not with anything corny in it, and very positive. Basically everytime we go out, he just looks at me when I'm not looking. A couple of times I caught him smiling at me. He hugs me very tight and gives me kisses on my forehead. he doesn't do that with anyone, because even though he's emotional he's very drawn back at expressing his feelings, and he wouldn't do that with any other friends. Maybe I'm just thinking it'll be ok, to live in false hope and don't feel the pain. But I'm not sure. My gut feeling says he loves me, my insercurities tell me something different, and basically I don't know what feeling to follow. I want to give him time to recover from the pain I caused him....but only if it's worthed. If I'm gonna get even more hurt, I couldn't do it. The pain is now already unbearable. I don't know what to do anymore...
Author MotherGooze Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Do you guys think it's time for me to get into the Nc mode and forget about him?
Geishawhelk Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Er....... Yes. And that's putting it gently.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 MG, In your other post, you say that your illness and financial situation have improved...those are positives. What have you done to learn how to better deal with anger, frustration and stress? Those are inevitable in life, and I'm interpreting that your inability to properly cope when you feel under pressure is what led to the break-up. Do you now have proper medical and personal support for your illness and any remaining depressed feelings? Are you in therapy to overcome your insecurities? If nothing has REALLY changed, as far as what led to the break-up, then it is more likely than not that a reconciliation will be doomed in the same way the relationship was. I'm not really getting that he "loves" you...more like he likes you, and he appears to be interested in POTENTIALLY giving you another chance. But if you haven't yet become more self-reliant and self-responsible (instead of just projecting your anger & stress onto others), then yeah...stay away from him cos getting back together is not going to be long-term good for either of you. IMO.
Author MotherGooze Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thank you Ronni I'm in therapy and it helps me a lot. After sitting on my ass doing nothing for months it was time to take action and I do feel that even when I get stressed or under pressure I use other things to cope with it. I'm a very creative person and because I was sick I had to quit my band and couldn't sing anymore. Singing for me was a great way to project my feelings and anger on, and when I lost it, I felt like I lost part of myself. I'm still not in a band again, because I'm moving to a bigger and cheaper appartement and well, I'm very busy But I have been writing a lot, something I like very much. In one month I've written 60 pages and I've let it be read by some close friends and they are really excited, so I guess I found a project in writing a novel. My therapist also says it's a good way for me, because even though I'm not singing now, I'm actually projecting my feelings in it, and I'm doing something creative that I really love. I quit smoking, because it wasn't a very good idea with my desease and the medication is helping me a lot. I've also gone to the fitness center 2 or 3 times a week. Also a good way to relieve me of stress and to get back into a better condition. I feel alot fitter because of it, and my tummy is gonna look better. And TBH, even though you can't see the changes yet, I feel more attractive by it as well. It's weird that it makes me feel that way. So yeah, many changes in a very short time, but I felt it was necaisarry. Not for him but just for myself. I feel more at ease with myself now. I feel less insecure about myself and I tend to be less shy in public. I really think the changes are for the better. I also see a big different approach towards my son. I spend a lot more time with him and I'm enjoying it so much. The break up has been hard for him as well, but we talk about it when it's needed and it helps the both of us. I really have the feeling that because it is such a short time he hs a hard time believing that the changes are there for good, which I can understand. I feel more relaxed today then the last couple of days. I think I should do NC for a while so I can sort things out a bit more, and we'll see what happens. But i'm still not sure if I should get rid of my hope.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Well done, Congrats, and wishing you continued success...and full recovery I think I should do NC for a while ... But i'm still not sure if I should get rid of my hope. I think it is ALWAYS wisest to follow your own 'Higher Counsel' -- if it is saying n/c, then n/c is likely going to be in your own best interest. Yes, get rid of your "hope" -- why not? It's not a promise or a guarantee of anything. And just seems to be keeping you in a place of "stuckness" and confusion, anyway. Stick with what you know...because what you do know right now is much more, er, hopeful and promising, isn't it? You are moving in a very positive direction, that is what you know. And he has the awareness, interest and compassion to keep an open mind and heart for you, so that he can make his own well-informed decisions about his involvement with you. That is what you also know. So, yeah...eliminate "hope" from your mental-emotional diet cos it doesn't seem to be offering all that much (any?) enrichment/nourishment. Focus on your own goals, needs and desires, and place all your expectations ONLY on those areas over which you have 100% control -- which is exactly what you have been doing, and seems to be working out REALLY well, doesn't it?
Author MotherGooze Posted February 10, 2009 Author Posted February 10, 2009 Thank you Ronni, you are right about everything. I know I shouldn't focus on hope, it's just that I sometimes wonder what's going on inside his head you know. But i will try and focus more on myself now.
Ronni_W Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 it's just that I sometimes wonder what's going on inside his head That is crazy-making! Don't do it!!! You can gently help him to reveal what is in his head. Something like, "I feel like I've made sooo many changes in recent months, and I'm working really hard at it, too. Is anything showing yet?" If he says 'yes', you ask "I'm thinking they've been good changes...or is that just me deluding myself?" If he says 'no', "Dang, and here I was thinking I was doing so much better...well, no worries, I'll just keep working at it. Feel free to let me know when you see some progress, okay? That'll give me a boost of self-confidence." So. It doesn't really matter how he is perceiving things...you can still get his feedback and find out what YOU need to know for your own process, and what you WANT to know about what's going on for him. Just keep your voice, expression and body language "light & breezy" -- and he likely won't get all freaked out. EDIT: Actually, you can mention your self-confidence if he says 'yes', too -- just mention how hearing it increases your confidence, and thanks for mentioning it, and such. That'll encourage HIM to mention positive stuff that he notices, more often.
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