I still love my Ex and she's with my best mate now, it's too much to deal with

[entityzero]

Ok hey guys im new, im Australian so i'll try not to slang too much...

Im having some serious trouble dealing with alot of things right now and would love to feel like im not alone..its been so hard..

At the start of November, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me, we were living together for just over a year, she's 19 and im 25, so yes..quite an age difference.

 

I'd noticed some distance from her before hand, she tells me she needs space and she wants to do things on her own, im gutted but I respect her choice and dont blow up, i dont know if it's coz i was numb or I understood where she was coming from at the time.

So i stay at our house for just over a week, we were still a bit close but it felt pretend and i knew it was time to go, i'd let her have the unit coz i didnt wanna live there without her.

One morning I head over to drop off some stuff, and my mates car is out the front, im so mad and angry when i see this, we were all friends coz we used to work at the same place together, so I knock on the door and it all looks a little suss..mattresses on the floor, her in her underwear.. Im SHATTERED at walking in on my own nightmare, they say they only messed around for a little bit but nothing more...

 

So over the next few weeks she's sketchy with me, avoids me, and I end up asking him whats going on, and he says they're seeing each other and having sex..he said it wasnt planned they just started hanging out, it wasnt even 2 months.

I had to hear it from him when all i asked from her was the truth all along.

 

I just cant beleive she would do this to me, she's had a hard life, bad parents, destructive relationships, she has low self-esteem, cant deal with stuff and sweeps it all under the rug so to speak. I came along and she told me i'd saved her from all of that, now she's with my "mate" who is an alcholic drug using 32 year old loser.

 

So I was asking for it right? Maybe.... but im still having so much trouble not thinking about them in bed together, and how the hell this could happen when I did absolutely everything to be the best boyfriend i could.

She said I did too much, she doesnt love herself so how can she love me?

The few times ive spoken to her she says shes so sorry, never wanted to hurt me, it just happened, she just went round there to get drunk and forget about the pain, and the more i talk to her the more she cries and closes up.

Is it just because of her age, immaturity?

Is she attracted to destructive relationships coz thats all she knows?

How and why does she think this is ok?

Does she give a crap that I feel like i could die?

Im having so much trouble letting go. Accepting that I have to let go.

I would love someone to tell me im going to be ok. Its been 3 months of hell.

Thanks for the rant.

[EmperorR]

Your going to be ok, go nc with them both work on yourself you don't need people like that in your life. I know how hard it is at this moment vent cry get angry let out your emotions it will get better much better.

[Geishawhelk]

...he says they're seeing each other and having sex..he said it wasnt planned they just started hanging out, it wasnt even 2 months.

 

THis is utter bullsh..t.

Planned or not planned, they both knew what they were doing, they both coulda stopped it, and nobody held a gun to their heads. They're both to blame, and they're both despicable.

 

I had to hear it from him when all i asked from her was the truth all along.

Yup. We've found the level.

 

I just cant beleive she would do this to me, she's had a hard life, bad parents, destructive relationships, she has low self-esteem, cant deal with stuff and sweeps it all under the rug so to speak. I came along and she told me i'd saved her from all of that, now she's with my "mate" who is an alcholic drug using 32 year old loser.

 

looks as if they're perfectly matched.

 

So I was asking for it right? Maybe.... but im still having so much trouble not thinking about them in bed together, and how the hell this could happen when I did absolutely everything to be the best boyfriend i could.

She said I did too much, she doesnt love herself so how can she love me?

She never really loved you, she became dependent on you.

But you were too good for her, too right, too nice. She needed equal crap in regular doses. Damaged people gravitate more towards damage. It happens, until they wake up.....

 

 

The few times ive spoken to her she says shes so sorry, never wanted to hurt me, it just happened, she just went round there to get drunk and forget about the pain, and the more i talk to her the more she cries and closes up.

Is it just because of her age, immaturity?

No it's because she's ashamed you found out and she feels guilty. But all this cr*ap about "it just happened", is exactly that. Cr*ap.

If she really hadn't wanted to hurt you she'd have never done it.

She's more interested in herself than you. Ultimately, it's about what she believes makes her happy, not you.

 

Is she attracted to destructive relationships coz thats all she knows?

Yup.

How and why does she think this is ok?

Because, just as mysteriously as two pools of water seem to find their own level and join up, so damaged people seek the familiar, not realising they're heading towards drowning.

You can throw as many lifelines to this person as you like, but until they 'Get it' for themselves, they will persist in believing they can comfortably tread water.

Does she give a crap that I feel like i could die?

Yes.

But not enough.

 

Obviously.

 

Im having so much trouble letting go. Accepting that I have to let go.

I would love someone to tell me im going to be ok. Its been 3 months of hell.

Thanks for the rant.

The quickest way to help yourself heal is to close off all and any contact with her. Or him, for that matter.

Truly, blank them off, make like they don't exist.

 

There's a guy on this forum who manages to do that with his ex, even though they work in the same building, together. Sometimes their paths cross. Sometimes, she deliberately ensures their paths cross.

He ignores it.

 

You will have to completely and totally, utterly do the same.

No texts, no e-mails, no IMs, no phone calls - nada.

Refuse any attempt for her to connect with you at all.

Kick her to the kerb and let her stew in her own juices.

[carhill]

I just cant beleive she would do this to me, she's had a hard life, bad parents, destructive relationships, she has low self-esteem, cant deal with stuff and sweeps it all under the rug so to speak. I came along and she told me i'd saved her from all of that, now she's with my "mate" who is an alcholic drug using 32 year old loser.

 

Sorry to hear this, mate; I'd like to share something that life has taught me. Picking compatible mates and romantic interests is so important to having healthy and satisfying relationships. Take a hard look at the quote above. I'll bet you really have very little in common at the basic emotional and spiritual level with these two.

 

I had a real problem attracting damaged women, and to a certain extent still do, and the qualities which make my wife and I incompatible stem from such damage, and MC has taught me that those are personality traits I must accept because they're not likely to change, and decide whether that's healthy for me.

 

Can you see what I'm saying?

 

From our experiences with the wonderful Aussie ladies we've befriended in our travels there, probably the biggest factor you'll fight with a good woman is the perception of boredom, because they in no way can match the drama you're used to. That's because such drama is....drum roll.....unhealthy, and why would they want to purposely act in an unhealthy manner? It's up to you to change your perception of what is attractive to you. I've worked hard on this. I wish you well

[entityzero]

Thankyou for the quick replys Emperor, Geishawhelk and carhill.

All of your support and advice means alot and I will read it and re-read it to try and let it sink in.

Some of its a little hard to swallow...

"She never really loved you, she became dependent on you"

That is so hard to read.. I was convinced, infact i know she did love me at one point, im just not sure when she stopped.

I dont understand how someone with that damage wouldn't want to be with someone who helps them, makes them feel special and shows them that life doesnt have to be hard or painful.

Why would she throw that away?

If only i could stop thinking about them having sex, i'd be slightly more ok but it makes me feel so sick

I just cant let it go.

But was it doomed from the start? Was it ever going to work?

Am i really better off without her?

[entityzero]

has anyone else has this or a similar situation happen to them?

how did you deal with it?

im not sure if im dealing with it at all, just feeling numb, betrayed, confused and upset.

Why did she do this to me?

[carhill]

I dont understand how someone with that damage wouldn't want to be with someone who helps them, makes them feel special and shows them that life doesnt have to be hard or painful.

 

1. Helpers, supporters, steady characters are boring to them

 

2. They feel they don't deserve your love, even though they'll take it and abuse it. It's a nuance of self-loathing

 

 

I can tell you these things because I've heard them from more than one woman, directly. It took MC for me to understand in cognitive terms what I was hearing and then to assign the appropriate emotional importance for myself.

 

There's only one person in this world that you can control, and that's you

[entityzero]

Ok..and i accept those maybe the reasons for the breakup...

But i just cant make any sense of how she could just move onto someone that we considered a mutual friend so quickly...

What the f**k was she thinking???

[carhill]

He's another man to her. Your friendship with the man isn't even on her radar of importance. I guess, if he is a friend, in most cultures, he should've politely declined her attentions, but it sounds like he's got a few problems of his own. Another one of those "damaged" people you attract (as a friend). Been there, done that, got the purple heart. If you want to help people, volunteer at a shelter or something. I volunteered at the zoo. I had to learn to disconnect the needy people in my life who were sucking the energy out of me. Men and women both.

 

Maybe someone else has a better answer for you

[entityzero]

I want as many answers as I can get right now, coz i cant come up with any of my own!

Thanks carhill for all your support and knowledge i will re-read your posts over and over.

[entityzero]

Thanks eDave, one thing I felt like I have done through this whole mess is kept my dignity, i could of gone and kicked his ass, called her a slut or whatever but im the only one here who has a shred of decency left and im glad i've got that!

I really wish someone could promise me it wont last between those two, knowing that it all went to **** and to have her admit she f****d up and be all sorry would make me very happy...even though I doubt it would change anything.

Has anyone else here regretted either blowing up and saying things they shouldnt have in anger, or regretted not doing that? I'd love to know!

Thanks again for all the advice guys i'll take whatever and as much as I can get! I owe you all!

[mark982]

same story except my best friend was my uncle.helped him out through his tring times, while behind my back secertly wooing my wife.first off he's no longer your friend. no if's, ands or buts. forget him, and her also. especially him, he crossed that line that friends do not cross. he had no respect for you.you never trade bros for ho's. you ask how i got over it, went total nc.don't whine, plead, beg.sure it's tuff. but anything worth doing is tuff.

[entityzero]

Mark im sorry to hear that bro, coming from a family member thats super tough.. Nice to know im not the only one though but that doesnt make either of us any better off does it?

He's literally dead to me man trust me, he pretty much wedged his way between us from day one and unfortunately her being the way she is, looks for quick fixes of happiness instead of dealing with the pain, she's easily led aswell..so.. he was just there.

I've told her that if he truely respected her he would of given her time to get over out relationship instead of pushing her into a new one...

After speaking to her a few times and asking those few vital questions, im now going NC, and yes its hard coz i still love her alot, and worry that shes making some terrible decisions.. But i guess thats her path now..shame its at my expense..

Thanks for your post and I hope things work out for you in the future!

Anyone else had their ex jump straight into a relationship after you?

Lets help each other!

[Sysyphus28]

Ok hey guys im new, im Australian so i'll try not to slang too much...

Im having some serious trouble dealing with alot of things right now and would love to feel like im not alone..its been so hard..

At the start of November, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me, we were living together for just over a year, she's 19 and im 25, so yes..quite an age difference.

 

I'd noticed some distance from her before hand, she tells me she needs space and she wants to do things on her own, im gutted but I respect her choice and dont blow up, i dont know if it's coz i was numb or I understood where she was coming from at the time.

So i stay at our house for just over a week, we were still a bit close but it felt pretend and i knew it was time to go, i'd let her have the unit coz i didnt wanna live there without her.

One morning I head over to drop off some stuff, and my mates car is out the front, im so mad and angry when i see this, we were all friends coz we used to work at the same place together, so I knock on the door and it all looks a little suss..mattresses on the floor, her in her underwear.. Im SHATTERED at walking in on my own nightmare, they say they only messed around for a little bit but nothing more...

 

So over the next few weeks she's sketchy with me, avoids me, and I end up asking him whats going on, and he says they're seeing each other and having sex..he said it wasnt planned they just started hanging out, it wasnt even 2 months.

I had to hear it from him when all i asked from her was the truth all along.

 

I just cant beleive she would do this to me, she's had a hard life, bad parents, destructive relationships, she has low self-esteem, cant deal with stuff and sweeps it all under the rug so to speak. I came along and she told me i'd saved her from all of that, now she's with my "mate" who is an alcholic drug using 32 year old loser.

 

So I was asking for it right? Maybe.... but im still having so much trouble not thinking about them in bed together, and how the hell this could happen when I did absolutely everything to be the best boyfriend i could.

She said I did too much, she doesnt love herself so how can she love me?

The few times ive spoken to her she says shes so sorry, never wanted to hurt me, it just happened, she just went round there to get drunk and forget about the pain, and the more i talk to her the more she cries and closes up.

Is it just because of her age, immaturity?

Is she attracted to destructive relationships coz thats all she knows?

How and why does she think this is ok?

Does she give a crap that I feel like i could die?

Im having so much trouble letting go. Accepting that I have to let go.

I would love someone to tell me im going to be ok. Its been 3 months of hell.

Thanks for the rant.

 

Dude, It is all because of her age and immaturity. All of it my friend, and you have been sucked into the dramatic mind of a 19 year old girl. Her decisions are going to be erratic and emotional and bat sh** crazy. She is 19.

 

RUN AWAY!!! throw down the gloves and get out of thier. Your friend is a total jerk-off, and your ex is a child--------get out of thier!!!!

 

I went out with a girl from 19-21, a good amount of time if you ask me. I was 26-28. She took me for a RIDE!! The more I continue to have her in my life the crazier she becomes and the more erratic her decisions and her behavior becomes. She has so solidly justified her leaving me, she has completely demonized me and dragged me down.

 

You made a mistake dating such a young girl. FACE THAT --- turn around and get out of that lions den.

 

Liberate yourself from that drama. You accidently sighned up to play a father/boyfriend role. OOOPS! Now don't make that demented mistake again, and date a WOMAN not some crazy young girl(because they are all the same man). Young girls will drive you crazy then break your heart because thier mentality is different. Your friend is a dis-loyal piece of sh** and he broke a cardinal man rule.

 

get yourself together bro

[Dlyrica]

Wow..I can't believe I'm going to say this, but your ex reminds me exactly of MYSELF.

 

-I look for instant gratification instead of fixing my problems.

-Had the sh*ttiest childhood ever.

- I look for people to hurt me b/c its all I'm use to (ex bf for example) when really NICE people are there for me. I take them for granted and I'm trying to fix this about myself (don't know how)

 

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. As everyone else said..NC.

[entityzero]

Sysyphus28 thanks man I think this is exactly what i needed to hear, because in my mind i wanted to believe that it was all down to her age, I knew it at the time when we got together it was trouble.

And yes, you are so right I did sign up for the father role and I was asking for the pain.

How did you deal with it apart from NC? Did you have the feelings of rejection, hopelessness, pining for her again?

I know i should RUN AWAY but i still love her.

Thankyou thankyou, i cant tell you enough how much what you wrote resonates and helps me reason this whole crazy mess.

And Dlyrica it's nice to hear your perspective aswell, thankyou for sharing your experience and wisdom.

I hope you can work through those issues even if my ex cant, us poor guys are easily hurt!

And yes, my "Friend" is a complete jerk-off and I cant wait til it all falls to **** for him aswell, thankyou!

This forum is a god send.

Feel free to add any other stories/help/rants!!

[entityzero]

Im really not coping guys, everythings fallen to **** and all I can do is keep asking why WHY she would go straight into a relationship with someone who I thought was a mate.

I cant make any sense of this mess and I dont know how to deal with it anymore.

Im lost and alone.

[Dlyrica]

I have no idea why she jumped in a relationship with you best friend. I personally would never cross that line but if she is anything like me(which she seems to be) then I might know why she jumped into another relationship at all. I'm always way happier in a relationship. I have no idea why, but it just comforts me and I feel reassured when in one. I also have the fatal flaw of falling for almost anyone, not when I'm with someone else but most people can charm me pretty easily and I hop right back into a relationship. Maybe for whatever reason, she wasn't happy in a relationship with you yet she didnt want to sacrifice some of the things that relationships bring. So, she started a new one with another man, who unfortunately was also you best friend. She knows you still care for her so she may be acting cold and like she doesnt care about you but once you start hanging out with other women and NOT paying attention to her that will all change.

 

Just try to be happy. I know its hard but not focusing on them and doing other things helps so much. Good luck.

[entityzero]

Hi Dlyrica, thanks for reading and posting again, it seems really weird to me that someone who feels they are the same in some ways to my ex is posting from her point of view.

I really feel like your right when you say it almost could of been anyone that she'd jump into a new relationship with, i guess i know in my heart that if it wasnt him it would of been someone else.

Its just he had feelings for her and pushed and persuaded her to be with him.

I just cant see how she thinks being with him will be any better than what she had with me, he's emotionally retarded, heavy pot smoker, treats women like sh*t, has bad hygiene, and is a 32 year old loser basically..

I just wish i didnt have to deal with the thoughts of them being together and I just hope one day she realizes she made a huge mistake..

Does she even care?

Is it her low self-esteem and abandoment issues that are making her act this way?

Does she really feel for him?

[Dlyrica]

I know, I feel weird posting from her point of view b/c obviously I'm not her but I do relate to her on a lot of things.

 

No one can really say whether or not she truly cares about him. Honestly, probably not, but who knows really.

 

People cope with things in different ways. Some people can't bear the thought of being with someone else right after a relationship is over and for others it is exactly what they need. She would probably feel a lot different if she were alone at the moment. I know that I am hanging out and talking to someone right now and honestly, if I weren't, I'd probably be a complete mess and crawl back to my ex who treated me like crap. Some people are just addicted to making themselves feel bad. They think it is all they deserve. Is it true? Of course not. I'm starting to realize this for myself and not get drawn into situations and relationships that I know are going to bring me down. Sorry I'm not trying to go off on a tangent I'm just really tired and forgot the really awesome and insightful things I was going to say lol. I'll try again later.

[entityzero]

Your posts are really helping me and i'd love you to stay with me and let me know of any insights you may be able to provide.

I know she is the type of person who wouldnt like to be alone, I just cant believe i believed her when she said thats what she wanted.

Im hurting so bad, I love and miss her so much.

We we're best friends.

[entityzero]

I thought i'd list some of the red flags i should of taken notice when we first started dating, i need to make some sense of this mess..

 

- She was 17 (I was 24)

- Her dad was an alcoholic

- Her mum hated her as a child

- Her parents were divorced

- Her brother was a criminal

- Had constant dreams about blood, murder and me cheating on her (which i NEVER did or would of)

- She cut herself

- She had LOW self-esteem

- She used to steal clothes and make-up from stores

- She used to hang around older people when she was 14 - 15

- Used to cry really easily

- Would stay up all night smoking bongs before a work day

- Had a friend who was just as unstable

- She'd been sexually abused to some degree by past "Friends" of hers

- She cheated on her ex boyfriend to be with me

- Would always pretend everything was OK when she knew it wasnt

 

Im sure there were more, but I was so blinded by having this HOT 17 year old wanting me that I chose to ignore that stuff or take it on board and try and fix her.

So, was I asking for it to all turn to s**t in the end?

[allthewiser]

entityzero, i so feel for you because i'm going thru a very similar thing. But first, i have to let u know what my situation was:

i am going thru a similar thing, altho my ex did not cheat on me with my bf, but with some guy from work. we tried to work through the prob, but grew apart. long story short, i just did not forgive her enough, and broke up with her last week. she went away to spend time with her family, and is coming back this week to move in with him (altho she claims it is just temporary until she finds a place of her own).he is even going to charge her free rent...no mystery to what the payment will be. her stuff is waiting to be collected on thurs.i wont go into details unless you want me to, but i like to call her Cyclone (her name) bc she has left a trail of chaos and destruction which i have to deal with. we were together for 7yrs. she totally f*cked up my world and soon hers.

she is exactly like ur ex. full of self loathing, low self esteem, bad childhood etc. i spent all my time and energy holding her up, while all she did was take me for granted. she always used emotional blackmail and manipulated me bc she took adv of my v.caring nature. she would always tell me i was too good for her, y am i with her etc.

i was absolutely distraught and went thru what you are going thru now. altho its been over 4 months since she first betrayed me, i'm still going thru the stages..the denial, shock, grief, bargaining but i never hit anger until recently and my whole soul has started an amazing recovery. until then i thought that i loved her and only concentrated on her good points (and believe me, there werent many, and the ones that were are trivial). now when i find myself falling into a pile, i just concentrate on what she did to me/us and how she sucked my being out of me to the pt i'm tired and now trying to find myself again as a person.

i still live in the house we shared together. since she loves playing mind games, and knew of my over caring nature, she would always dictate the terms. i decided to put my foot down, and emailed her on facebook, putting down my demands on us ending it (etc collect her sh*t on a specific day and time, i'll be closing our joint accounts once her pay has gone thru etc) EVERYTHING to break from her. i have even disconnected my landline and changed my mobile, as i don't want to fall into the trap of running to my phone everytime it rings, to find out if its her. i knew that she would try to manipulate me again, but no more. so i put a stop to her means. if she doesnt pick up her stuff on that day by that time, its all out on the kerb.

its time to start caring about yourself. don't concentrate on the good times and her good qualities, concentrate on the bad and what she's done to f*ck you up. you need to get angry at her and what she has done. seems like you havent reached that stage yet, but you need to for you to move on. do everything to cut her out of your life. even change jobs if u work at the same place, if you feel that will help u move on. she not only destroyed your heart, but also ALL your hopes and dreams for a happy future.

i'm more than willing to help you thru this, bc i'm just starting to see the light and feel the warmth, and recovering. it is SO true (altho i never believed it at the time), that TIME does heal things, but its up to you to start wanting to recover and limiting all temptation of having her back in your life.

[entityzero]

allthewiser i feel for you man thankyou so much for taking the time to write and share your story, im really sorry your going through this aswell and after 7 years i wish you a speedy recovery in your healing.

so do you think the fact that our girls shared the same character traits (low self esteem etc) that is a pre-requisit for this type of behaviour?

the ability to **** off feelings, lack of morals and knowing whats right and wrong? the inability to commit and love someone as deep as we love them?

i can only imagine my girl had nothing but troubles and pain in her upbringing, so is she just attracted to self destructive behaviour?

alot of questions i know, these are all spinning in my head right now, along with what the HELL does she see in him apart from him being on the same emotionally retarded level and liking the same music or whatever..

im sure her age (19) has something to do with it, i mean she was 17 when we hooked up, a kid almost, was i asking for it???

 

despite all those questions you're right, i DO need to start just being angry and not so sympathetic to her plight, she still f****d me over and i should be mad at that, she tore my world apart man, i would of taken 6 bullets to the chest for her.

i just wanna know how she can discard someone who cared so much?

she told me i was her "saviour" on more than one occaision, what the hell??

well man im happy to keep riffing off your ideas and thoughts and maybe we can make some sense of this mess together?

im going away to the UK (im in australia) for two weeks as of friday for some therapy (not literally) and a change of scenery, i'll try to keep checking up on here as much as possible otherwise i'll be posting again after.

thanks again for your support.

[allthewiser]

i'm glad that my msg helped some. btw, im a chick who lost her gf and potential life partner to a bloke. not that i'm a bloke hater, but the fact that it makes you wonder what his ulterior motives are (ps. she's with a girl, so all she needs is a c*ck to fix her). she was so confused and vulnerable and he took adv. of her, but i also know that she wanted to be taken adv of.

 

yes, our girls do have very low self esteem and despite our uppermost to make them happy, they JUST NEED to feel like cr*p about themselves, bc its all they know.

 

it's not the fact that they don't care..its just that THEY DON'T CARE ENOUGH! And whatever sort of care they have is just for their own needs. the whole world and others exist for their misery.

 

yes, talking as a girl, her age was a BIG factor. 17, mate. what were you thinking? at the time, with your heart and not your head, and it just kept on going. same here. i knew she was st8, and was dissatisfied with guys, but when someone tells you that 'you're the one, and its you not what you are', it suckers you in. however, i know now she was just waiting for the right bloke to come along to give her the marriage and kids, that she felt she needed to have to make her whole.

 

you were her saviour, but at those times. but in her being? no. she doesn't want saving. she just wants to keep on feeling and being miserable and too afraid to look within herself to make changes, if not for her loving partner, then at least for her.

 

i know that my ex is making one HELL of a mistake and a part of me hopes that he f*cks her up, so she will wake up to herself and start growing in a positive way. it may sound bitter, but perhaps she needs 'tough love', rather than love itself.

 

the spinning questions is just you making sense of it. its natural. but once you start seeing thru those small and trivial traits and actions you thought were rher eflections of the sort of love that you felt, and process ALL the f*cked up moments she put you thru, during the r-ship and now, it will get alot better. bc the phase after anger is acceptance. and that means light is at the end of the tunnel.

 

i'm also an aussie living in sydney, so u have some idea of when i'm on.