babycakes112 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Hi, The MM that i spent a night with a few months ago was speaking to me last night. Its the first time we have spoken out of work for a while mainly because of the holidays. If you want to read my situation with this guy its in this link - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174767/ In short, it is a man from out of town who i know from work. We have had a flirty friendship for a long time over e mail and phone. He started phoning me out of work hours in secret etc etc. Im 22 he is 44. In i think it was November, we went out for drinks. We ended up an a hotel room where he was staying and did everything but sleep with each other. The next day he tells me he is guilty for his wife, it can't happen again. Obviously i totally understand but if he told me he wanted a casual relationship when he was in town, i would of agreed. Anyway, we were talking last night, he tells me he is attracted to me and he likes me then something was said about the night we spent and he mentioned 'next time'. I didn't know what to say. Why tell me nothing more can happen with us, then mention a 'next time' a few months later. I don't know if it was meant jokingly, or seriously. I can't decide if this man does want me, and has decided he wants something to happen or if he is just playing with me and my emotions. I know i should be keeping well away, but i can't get the man out of my head, i am very much 'in lust' with him.
2sure Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Since his guilt over chating on his marriage didnt stop him the first time, and since he got away with it, and since you are willing - I cant think of any reason why he wouldnt want to do it again.
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Agreed...but the REAL question here is...what do YOU intend to do if the situation arises where he's in town again? You know the situation for what it is...you've surely read enough here on this forum to have a good idea on likely outcomes... So rather than wonder what HIS plan is...the better question is...what's YOUR plan and intent going forward?
Author babycakes112 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 I know what i SHOULD do is keep this as a friendship and nothing more. I shouldn't have answered my cell when i saw it was him phoning me last night, but i dived on it to answer it faster than i would if it were my best friend calling! I like to think that if he asked me to go to a bar again or for dinner i like to think i'd do the right thing and say no, its not right we shouldn't be doing this. But to be honest i'm not sure i will. I just don't get how he can tell me how he is feeling so guilty for his wife because of what we did, then mention a next time?? Its like the guilt has passed now or something and he's decided he wants more, like he's forgot how guilty it made him feel last time? Do you not think there is a chance he meant it jokingly and doesn't have any intention of acting on it again?
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Again, whether or not he meant it as a joke or not DOESN'T MATTER. It is completely and totally irrelevent, as long as YOU know what YOU are going to do (or not do). Why ask a question that has no value? Odds are you'll never know the truth. You could ask him, but the odds are, he'll lie depending on which makes him look better. If you ask, he'll probably say he meant it as a joke if he thinks that you're offended or upset by it. Or he'll say he meant it if he thought that you'd be willing for another go in the hotel room. Words mean nothing...actions are what shows someone's true intentions and values. WHAT DOES IT MATTER? Focus on what YOU are going to do going forward...not what he says.
You'reasian Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I know what i SHOULD do is keep this as a friendship and nothing more. I shouldn't have answered my cell when i saw it was him phoning me last night, but i dived on it to answer it faster than i would if it were my best friend calling! I like to think that if he asked me to go to a bar again or for dinner i like to think i'd do the right thing and say no, its not right we shouldn't be doing this. But to be honest i'm not sure i will. I just don't get how he can tell me how he is feeling so guilty for his wife because of what we did, then mention a next time?? Its like the guilt has passed now or something and he's decided he wants more, like he's forgot how guilty it made him feel last time? Do you not think there is a chance he meant it jokingly and doesn't have any intention of acting on it again? The thing that blows me away is that you don't have a problem with seeking a romantic relationship with a married man...
Author babycakes112 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 I didnt go looking for a married man, it just happened. I've never ever been in this sort of situation in my life...and i certainly never intended to be
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Fair enough...you didn't plan on being here. I believe that. But...you're here now. So the question is...what are you going to do to get OUT of here?
jj33 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Well Baby you are only "in" it if you want to be. It was only 1 night. If its this hard to say no now, think how you will feel if you keep seeing him. CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS IS AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN? If you let it happen again you have noone but yourself to blame when you end up like so many of the rest of us. This is totally preventable. He is a player. You know that. Dont even think of falling for his bs line that he felt guilty and he doesnt do this. HE DOES. Some men are just like that. I was just out at a business dinner with another professoinal. I am out of town and he said he had been away and could see me for dinner (reasonable enough). So I went and he started making comments - too bad you have a plane to catch in the AM or we could spend the night drinking and putting the world to rights... are you sure you dont want to come over for a nightcap (his W is out of town) are you sure I cant drive you to the airport at 6 am... What a loser. When men behave this way to women in business who have not made it clear that they are open to this sort of thing, it means that they dont respect you. He didnt even wait to get cues from me to see if it was welcome. I said no pleasantly to everything and took my own taxi home, didnt invite him to my hotel for a nightcap and yet he persistsed, pleasantly but persistently. Does he REALLY think I will ever give him business now that he has shown me this disrespect. Not in a year of Sundays. But its not personal. This is obviously what he does. He only met me once before for about 10 minutes a few years ago. So its not like I did anything to invite the behavior. You are young. You need to make some choices and get your ground rules straight now. If you were happy to have a quick fling with colleagues, I wouldnt judge you, but you wouldnt be posting. Since you are posting it suggests that you arent happy with the prospect of being a young sexy piece of **s for this guy when he happens to be in town and has some free time. In that case you say no. And no you are not FRIENDS. You need to be clear with this guy. "I have nothing to offer you but friendship. If that is ok with you that is great but nothing more can happen between us because you are married. I made a mistake last time. And DONT go out in the evening with him. he has made his intentions clear, So you need to make your boundaries clear. Lunch maybe drinks or dinner NO. You dont do that with a married man who hits on you unless you want more. Otherwise you are sending mixed signals. Its that simple. With no disrespect the guy obviously likes to get laid when he is out of town. If you dont want to oblige him let him spend his evenings seeking out someone who is on his wavelength and dont put yourself in the crossfire. If you decide to give in to the lustful feelings that is up to you but rest assured it will end in tears.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Why tell me nothing more can happen with us, then mention a 'next time' a few months later. translation: "nothing more can happen with us" = a way to make himself appear more sympathetic and less of a sleaze, usually said after ejaculating "next time" = something to keep you dangling, usually said when he is ready to have some assisted ejaculation from an outside source I'll repeat what I posted in your first thread: Make no mistake: you and he will sleep together. That is his intent, and was from the beginning. I'm not sure why you think you and he are friends. If he was interested in genuine friendship, he wouldn't be doing this to you and the friendship would include his wife.
jj33 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 "I can't decide if this man does want me, and has decided he wants something to happen or if he is just playing with me and my emotions." To answer your question, the answer is yes and yes. He wants to have sex with you (so yes he wants something to happen) and yes he is playing with you and your emotions, to the extent that you think that means he wants something more than sex. Sorry to be blunt but this is pretty standard cake eater behavior much as it feels special to you. Dont be so flattered by the attention that you put yourself in a positoin you will regret. If you are not up for no strings attached sex with a married man, then this is a hiding to nowhere.
Lucky_One Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I am going to look past the married part for my response. You already know that he is looking to screw you next time; you are just being disingenuous so that you can fake surprise that the screwing happened to you again. But if I had sex (or everything but) with a guy, AND he intimated that he regretted it after it was over, and THEN he neglected to stay in contact with me post-orgasm - then I wouldn't EVER see him again in any sort of situation that could be construed as my liking, trusting or respecting him. Come on - at 22, don't you have more self-respect than that??
jj33 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Excellent post Lucky One. Baby if he were single and you saw him again you may as well wear a sign saying hi I am booty call.
Adri Ana Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Do not talk about emotions and playing with your emotions . _________________________________ If you do not understand what I mean, then reread your thread yourself , You will get me then.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks for the replies, it really helps. As i say i've never been in this situation before i just don't know how best to handle it. I don't intend on coming across as a horrible person or someone who seeks out other womens men, because i aren't. Can i just ask, how can you be so sure this man does this often? I know he probably does but i was just wondering on what made you so sure he is like that? Not every MM who is involved or trying to be involved with another woman has a string of other girls on the go, right? Of course i'd like to believe it was just me but in reality i know there is every chance there is more of 'me' scattered about the country. If he asks me to go out after work hours again i need to be strong and just say no as much as i want to i know im worth more than that. If there was a big group of us going out that would be ok right? Because i know there is talk of a works party at a club in the near future and yes he will be there.
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Do you WANT to be the OW? That would be the only reason I could see for continuing ANY kind of interaction with this guy. If you're fine with being his "fluff on the side"...then go for it. In that case...anything you want to do with him is ok. You can do whatever you like...no limits other than what you impose, and what he's capable of getting away with without being caught. THAT is your bottomline question...and the one you've avoided so far. Do you PLAN on continuing to be the OW with him, or do you intend to end the interaction between the two of you? There is NO middle ground here.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 No, i don't want to be the OW. I don't think anyone in this situation wants to be the OW do they? BUT i like our talks and the flirtation but i know if that carried on i guess we would end up back in bed at some point and then i'd be back to being the OW again.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It matters naught what you do, or where you go, or who is going to be there. As long as you are present, participating, condoning it, and haven't outright told him to f*ck off or you will call his wife, he knows he has a chance to make you his OW. Is it you in particular? In this particular case it is. Just like it was with the girl before you, and the ones that will come after.
Owl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 No, i don't want to be the OW. I don't think anyone in this situation wants to be the OW do they? BUT i like our talks and the flirtation but i know if that carried on i guess we would end up back in bed at some point and then i'd be back to being the OW again. No...if you continue the flirtation and the emotional bonding that occurs through the talks...you're STILL being the OW. It's called an "emotional affair"...and does not require you to go to his hotel room to carry on. I think that few people want to be the OW to begin with...but I think that all of them that are in that situation do reach a point where they CHOOSE to CONTINUE to be one or not. YOU, my friend, are at that point. And that's why I'm telling you that his actions, his words...do not matter one little bit. What matters here...the ONLY thing that matters here...is what role YOU CHOOSE to play.
InvisibleGirl Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 maybe he is asexual, doesnt really want to have sex because he cant get intimate with anyone ... you should read this... http://samvak.tripod.com/6.html
datura_noir Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I know that you are half his age; and could be his daughter.. How would you want YOUR 22 year old daughter to act in this sitch?? I doubt you would encourage her to "follow through".... Think about how YOU would feel in a marriage (I know it's hard at 22, but certain things will always be true) of so many years with the same person. Listen, I can be the first, or last, to tell you that married life beyond 5-10 years with the SAME person will at some point, BE DULL AND UNSATISFYING!!! I have had to smell his stinky, diseased feet, wash his skid-marked undies, and kiss him when he barely had any dental hygiene, or knew what that was...He also snores as loud as a pack of Hogs on the road at midnite... I still love him.He still makes me giddy. His faults and his infidelity are the stuff we face together.Someday, he may face the same, but for now, I am dedicated to only us. I want him to be in my lover and friend forever. Hell, us BS's go through it too! The thing is, these situations DO happen. I think you can move forward with your life without his baggage, and you may not see it now, but if you get tangled up with him, you will approach thirty with so much drama and baggage that it will AGE YOU TREMENDOUSLY.... Let go and let yourself live. There is someone out there just for you! Be
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I know i should be keeping well away, but i can't get the man out of my head, i am very much 'in lust' with him. What is it that you want from him that you couldn't get from an unmarried man that was more available to you ??? Mr. Lucky
Author babycakes112 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 What is it that you want from him that you couldn't get from an unmarried man that was more available to you ??? Mr. Lucky I have no clue to be honest? I am attracted to him for the obvious reasons that you get attracted to people but i don't know what in my head makes him so different to any single guy that i could date? I haven't spoken to him since he called on Monday. Sometimes we can go a few weeks without talking. Surely if he really wanted me like that he would call more? Somebody mentioned it was like an emotional affair if we carried on the talking even if we don't end up in bed again. If it was an emotional affair wouldn't we be talking more often, wouldn't he be calling every time he was out the house or his wife was out the way?
Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Somebody mentioned it was like an emotional affair if we carried on the talking even if we don't end up in bed again. If it was an emotional affair wouldn't we be talking more often, wouldn't he be calling every time he was out the house or his wife was out the way? Nope. Especially not at the beginning stages of one. It's WHAT is said much more than how much is said. And it's somewhat tied to WHEN it's said. Is his wife aware that he's talking with you? What are you two talking about? Is what he's saying to you something that he wouldn't say if his wife were sitting next to him at the time? Is he talking on deeply emotional subjects? Sharing dreams or concerns? You get the idea, I'm sure. Add into this...you've already slept with him once. He's concealing that from his wife, I'm sure. And as long as he CONTINUES to interact with you and/or keep the possibility of sleeping with you again there...you can see how this could be the continuation of the affair.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Nope. Especially not at the beginning stages of one. It's WHAT is said much more than how much is said. And it's somewhat tied to WHEN it's said. Is his wife aware that he's talking with you? What are you two talking about? Is what he's saying to you something that he wouldn't say if his wife were sitting next to him at the time? Is he talking on deeply emotional subjects? Sharing dreams or concerns? You get the idea, I'm sure. When we talk out of work he is in the car driving or at the station or the airport, never at home. I doubt he tells his wife he has spent the past hour or 2 on the phone to me. Our out of work calls are a minimum of an hour long. When we speak during work hours and i have heard his wife in the background when he is working at home, he is still friendly but straight to the point and keeps it all pretty formal/work related apart from asking how i am. When we talk privately we talk about all sorts, from work, to what we have been doing, plans for the weekend, the usual chat really he doesn't say a lot about his wife and when he does he's never spoke bad of her, when i had troubles in my relationship and was breaking up with my boyfriend i told him all about that, he encouraged me to tell him this is actually when he got my number as i didn't want to talk about it at work. He tells me i can speak to him about anything, i can trust him. Which i feel i can, i can just talk to him about anything. The conversation usually turns very flirtatious when his wife isn't around, whether im speaking to him at work or not, although it is worse when he knows i am home. I know it sounds dumb but blowing kisses on the phone, comments about my body (especially my chest!) telling me i am pretty im sure you can guess the rest
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