toself Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Heya. First of all, I'm glad to see these forums are still running and active. I thought I could do without your help, but I see now that I can't. Thanks in advance, everyone. The situation is really complicated, but I'll try to cover as much as you need to know, so your feedback will be more accurate. I'm 17, and she's 16. I met this girl about 5 months ago. It started with small-talk on MSN, which after a while led to her visiting me (on the dorm) occasionally. I started to like her more and more, but it seemed like she didn't really want a relationship. I was completely in love though, so I felt like I had to keep trying. What makes this complicated is that she's not like the average girl. She has been through a lot. Her mother and her argued a lot when she was younger, and 2 years ago, she was sent away from her mother. She therefore lacks self confidence, and people (who don't even know her) seem to spread a lot of rumours about her. I ignored the rumours though, 'cause I found her incredibly honest. After a month or so, it all got pretty dramatic, though. We had been seeing each other a lot withour really being allowed to. Not because my parents and her aunt and uncle (she lives with them) cares about us being together, but we didn't really ask for permission to visit each other. I know this was wrong, but we did it because they rarely let us meet. Then one day, when she was visiting her mum and dad (they don't live together, she travels quite often) - she ended up kissing an old friend. She called me though, and it was very obvious that she did in fact regret this. She told me that she has been unfaithful before, and she doesn't really know why. It had nothing to do with me, it was just that she never seemed to learn (her words). I chose to forgive her, since she's had quite a tough time. She came back home, and things seemed to be fine. But, this is more complicated than just that. I've been smoking marijuana for a while, and so has she. I got caught while she was away though, so I quit. Then, when she got home - she got caught too. This led to that we got to meet each other even less often than before. We did meet though, without permission. Then after a while, this got dramatic again. I have a male ex-bestfriend that seems to hate me now for no apparent reason. We used to be soulmates, but he suddenly changed his mind about me. Then one day I noticed they were talking on "Nettby" (like Facebook). It stung me quite hard, since I at once suspected him for trying to ruin our relationship (just because of the way he's been treating me lately). I didn't tell her, 'cause I thought it'd make her mad, and she'd find me overreacting if I did. So I just left it, trying to not think about it. Then, a week later or so, I was going home (by bus) from where the girl lives. She was meant to go with me, but her aunt didn't allow her to, so she didn't. My ex-bestfriend was on the bus. They had planned to take the same bus to and back from where I live. I knew this (Nettby), and she didn't really keep it a secret. I thought of it as something they'd do for the sake of friendship. (Well, they didn't even know each other then). He came out of the bus, and we had a little chat before he went back. I kissed her goodbe, and I went on the bus. We had planned to go to a party when we got home (me and my ex-bestfriend). I was still kind of emotional due to what was happening, so I didn't go. He went there alone though. A couple of days later, he told me on MSN that she had been texting him while he was at the party. She told him that she really liked him, and she directly said that she wanted to sleep with him. I was devastated. I sent her a text message, telling her that if she wanted to talk, she'd have to call me. Then I went out for a walk to clear up my mind. I cried a lot, and it actually felt good. Then I got back to my house. She hadn't called yet. So I messaged her saying "Okay. Say hello to <friend's name> for me". She called me right after that, and pretended to not know what I was talking about. She was like "Why did you write that?". I was still really upset, so I didn't respond. She said she'd call me again, and hung up. After that, my ex-bestfriend told me on msn that she messaged him saying "**** OFF!!!". Then she tried calling him, but I told him not to answer the phone. I did this 'cause I wanted to hear her explanation on this. She did say that she liked the other guy, but she also said that she was in deep regret, and had realised that he only flirted back 'cause he wanted to help me. Then she asked what this guy was really like. I told her what I think of him, which isn't really positive. She seemed disappointed. It kind of hurt me, since it showed that she'd rather be with him. But, for some reason, I chose to forgive her again. Things went on. I managed to get over what had happened. So did she. Then, this weekend.. we were both going away. I visited my grandparents, and she visited her mum. I called her late that friday. She told me she was watching TV. She seemed less talkative than usual though. I asked if anything was wrong, and she said no. She also blamed it on being tired. I believed her. But then, towards the end of the conversation, I could hear her starting to breathe heavily (as associated with sex). Then she hung up quite suddenly. I called her again, but she didn't answer. Tried again, and then her phone was turned off. I got really disappointed, 'cause I knew what was happening. I didn't really know what to do, so I ended up calling their house phone number. Her mum answered the phone. She told me that <girl's name> was outside, and that she should be home by 30 minutes past midnight. I waited. Tried to call her like 50 times, but her phone was still turned off. Then finally, after an hour or so, she answered the phone when I called. She didn't say much, but suddenly said she'd call me back and hung up. Then, after about two minutes or so, the guy she had visited called me. He said he just wanted to let me know that nothing had happened. He said her cell phone ran out of batteries, and he found a charger after a while. I was relieved, and smiled through the rest of the conversation. I called my girl back, and apologized for suspecting her like that. She said that she understood, and that she could have told me the truth myself, but she didn't know whether I'd believe it or not. Anyways, she was still not very responsive, so I feared that she wasn't telling the truth. That sunday, when we both had gotten home, we talked on the phone. She asked me out of the blue "Why do you lie to me?". I was like "What? Do I lie to you?". So she tells me that my ex-bestfriend had explained to her what he was really like. It hurt me really bad that she listened to him more than to me. I tried to explain in several ways that I had just told her what I thought of him, and that was just my opinion. She got mad. Then she told me that my ex-bestfriend had told her that he really meant what he said when they were flirting. She didn't know whether to believe this or not, though. So she told him to tell me about his feelings for her, to prove that he meant it (she told me that she told him). He didn't do it, though. Right then, I felt so endlessly stupid for trusting her. So I asked her if her only intention now was to break up with me to get him. She said she wasn't sure. In the end, she said she couldn't handle this relationship. Still had nothing to do with me (according to her), but she couldn't handle having hurt me like that several times, as she couldn't stop thinking about it. At least that's what she's saying. I don't really know if she means it. Also.. before we officially got together, we pretty much acted like boy- and girlfriend. She told me that she wants it to be the same this time. She doesn't want things to be different though we're not officially together anymore. We've talked a bit after that, but she's not very responsive, and sometimes rather rude towards me. I guess it takes time before she starts treating me like she used to do. And now, she told me that she's going to quit school. This because of the rumours that have been set and such. She has nearly no friends there because people who don't know her seem to dislike her. I tried to explain to her that she's strong, and that she can do this. She didn't listen to me. Now, I really, really don't want her to quit school. Education is quite important to everyone, and I really want to help her see that she can finish this year. Second, I do honestly want her back. I just wanna make her see that, despite what she's done to me - I love her. It might be hard to believe that I can feel anything called love for this girl after what has happened, but I was so sure about this. I felt a very close connection to this person, and I can't stand the days without her. This fighting with her actually led to me cutting my wrists, for the first time in my life. I've always said that self injury is not an option, but this time I was just too depressed to think. You'll probably ask me to not take her back now. I just need you to understand that she's not doing this out of "free will". Like I said, she's been through a lot. So have I. It's just her way to cope with life and its issues, I guess. I just want to take her hand and help her back on her feet. And like I said, I'm definitely in love with her. I guess I need to make her understand that I do really forgive her for what she has done, and that we can do this together. So I'm just wondering what I should do in order to make things right. Her going back to school, and bringing us back together. It would make my life perfect, and I'd be forever thankful to whoever could help me accomplish this. And no, I'm not going to forget her. I know it might sound like the right thing to do, but I just feel like I can't live without her. I know such a feeling might 'come and go', but this is really something special, and I feel like it had barely started. I'm sorry for the messy post by the way. I just haven't managed to clear my head yet. Thanks for reading. Need your help as soon as possible.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Well, I was thinking to myself, "man do he go on and on!! What is the point....? Geesh, this post is too long......" Until I got to this. ......This fighting with her actually led to me cutting my wrists, for the first time in my life. I've always said that self injury is not an option, but this time I was just too depressed to think. OK, this is just terribly, horribly the wrong thing to do and utterly, utterly dumb! This is both stupid and reckless and NOTHING is worth doing this to yourself, It's crazy! You'll probably ask me to not take her back now. I just need you to understand that she's not doing this out of "free will". Like I said, she's been through a lot. So have I. It's just her way to cope with life and its issues, I guess. Ok, I have news for you. Yes, she is. This is completely voluntary. Everything she is saying and doing is a total choice, and there isn't anything compelling her, or holding a gun to her head actively forcing her to do these things. That she may have been conditioned by past events, is a definite. But that she's acting this way, because of that? Is utter and total baloney. it's rubbish. People always have choices. Every moment is a decision. She is extremely damaged goods - and you are permitting her issues to dominate your thinking. You need to stop this now. I just want to take her hand and help her back on her feet.. Nope. Forget it. You can't. Because she has to both WANT to hold your hand, and get herself back up on her feet, and she won't do that. You can't make her, you can't fix her. And at the moment, she doesn't want fixing. She prefers going down the 'wrong route' because it gets her results. If I were you, I would back away from this as fast as you can and look to yourself. You're young and you have much ahead of you. This is completely ass-about-face and you are heading for destruction. If I could grab you by the scruff of your collar, I'd be pulling back so hard, because you are teetering on the edge of a precipice. Get out now.
Jay34 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Yeah i agree, she will ruin you, no girl is worth this. you can not trust this women and by forgiving her she has permission to do it whenever she wants. just stop talking to her, it doesn't sound like she does anything to benefit your life. and the fact you even suspect her talking to you while having sex, i mean everything is there for you to run from her, you can't fix her. she has to do it herself and right now why should she in her mind, your the one all depressed, she is getting her way. you can't blame her issues for her actions. You seem like a nice guy, so find a girl who fits into that category.
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