Leading on others when you're in a relationship... UGH!!!

[lovingalways]

Ok. I need to vent. Why do some women AND men lead others into thinking they're interested and single, if they're in a relationship?!?!?!

 

Last night, I got a call from my ex. We broke up a couple of weeks ago but stayed really good friends (we both admitted the relationship wasn't going anywhere). So, he called me and I heard on his voice that something is not right. When we broke up, he admitted to liking this other girl (I was fully aware of this), so I encouraged him to ask her out, because his happiness is really important to me. I asked him what's up. At first he hesitated in telling me. So I asked "So, how are things with you and ________?" And he goes "It's not going to happen." And I go "Why? Is this something you decided, she decided or you mutually decided?" and he goes "It's just not going to happen, not now, not ever." And I'm like "I'm confused as to what happened." So, he finally breaks and tells me.

 

He called her after I suggested he should pursue her to talk with her - not about relationship or anything, they're friends so they talk (he wanted to get to know her better before doing anything). So, they talked for a couple of days over the phone for hours about everything and he managed to get the energy to ask her to come out for dinner (he invited 2 of his other buddies because it was a celebration or something) and she said "yes" to that. Then he invited her to hang out. She said "yes" to that. Then SHE called him and asked him whether he's coming to university to study and he said that he wasn't planning to, but she begged him and begged him and told him how much she wanted to hang out, so he went (ALL FOR HER). And then yesterday he invited a bunch of our friends to his house for a small gathering and also her. And this is where I start to become REALLY angry.

 

One of his best friends calls him aside and says "Listen... I know you like her, but we've been dating and we're still dating. I just thought you should know." So obviously, my ex is in shock about this because he had NO IDEA. She walks into the room and his best friend goes to her "I just told him." And she says "Oh... okay".

 

IMO, it was HER DUTY to tell my ex that she's in a relationship and NOT lead him on, because that's exactly what she did. Obviously, the girl is off bounds now because she's dating his best friend and my ex will never cross that line of dating a girl one of his friends dated. But I'm so angry with her right now. She didn't seem like a nice girl in the first place but I encouraged it because the chemistry was obviously there and I remember her saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship and that she's single. I mean, at least have the decency to tell the other person "Listen... this is all very nice and I'm flattered but I'm in a relationship." UGH!!!

 

I had a couple of other friends this happened to - but this time it was guys who did such a thing. I just don't get it: why do you need to hurt people like that?! I mean, yes you will hurt them by rejecting them, but this is crossing the line IMO!! It makes me sick to my stomach .

[JohnnyBlaze]

I agree with you; it was her responsibility to tell him. In his shoes, that's probably the time I'd be telling the friend to take her home now, because otherwise I'd be removing her from the premises in a much less civilized fashion. Then again, I'm not always known for tact.

 

I know some people lie and say they're single to avoid hurting the other person's feelings (hoping that the attraction will die out and the other person will just lose interest), but from what you've said, she doesn't seem like that kind of a person. She had to see the fire storm this would cause. Why she didn't do anything about it earlier is anyone's guess.

 

The big problem is how your ex and his friend are going to be around each other. Your ex won't want anything to do with her, and his friend will be hanging around her all the time. So your ex either sucks it up and sees her as just a friend, or (more likely) he stops hanging around his friend as long as he's seeing her. It also puts the friend in a bind. Who does he side with, his girlfriend or his best friend?

 

She screwed this one up very badly, and it's going to affect a few people in a very negative way.

[lovingalways]

I agree with you; it was her responsibility to tell him. In his shoes, that's probably the time I'd be telling the friend to take her home now, because otherwise I'd be removing her from the premises in a much less civilized fashion. Then again, I'm not always known for tact.

 

I know some people lie and say they're single to avoid hurting the other person's feelings (hoping that the attraction will die out and the other person will just lose interest), but from what you've said, she doesn't seem like that kind of a person. She had to see the fire storm this would cause. Why she didn't do anything about it earlier is anyone's guess.

 

The big problem is how your ex and his friend are going to be around each other. Your ex won't want anything to do with her, and his friend will be hanging around her all the time. So your ex either sucks it up and sees her as just a friend, or (more likely) he stops hanging around his friend as long as he's seeing her. It also puts the friend in a bind. Who does he side with, his girlfriend or his best friend?

 

She screwed this one up very badly, and it's going to affect a few people in a very negative way.

 

Agree 100%. I hate to see him hurt. I never liked the chick in the first place - I told him that she's trouble and that I'm just waiting for her to do something idiotic.

 

When my ex found out, his best friend and her left - I'm thinking his best friend is not thrilled about the situation either and is not happy. But I'm thinking my ex will side with his best friend. He's a strong person so I'm hoping that seeing them together, won't affect him as much. I gave him words of encouragement - told him that it's okay and that it's better if he found out how slimy she is right now than to have been in a relationship with her and then found out. He agreed.

 

The thing is: I know this girl. She goes to my university and is in the same organization like the rest of us. I really want to say something to her but I know I can't because my ex told me not to tell anyone (if I said something, then he wouldn't trust me anymore). I also know her bf really well - he's one of my best friends and I'm actually happy he told my ex about this. He's a true friend and I respect him for that. Everyone told me that I have to give this girl a chance and what not - now I have EVEN LESS respect for her than I had previously (I'm not sure if I respected her in the first place). I will be seeing this girl in a couple of weeks and I have to refrain myself from saying something when I really want to put her in her place.