justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, and I've been NC for nearly 2 months (a couple of breaks, but nothing big). Last weekend I was doing some cleaning and came across some books she had let me borrow when we were together. I thought about calling or texting her to see about giving them back to her, but decided not to, since about 3 weeks ago she dropped off a bag of my stuff at my house while I was at work and didn't call or text to let me know. I went ahead and dropped them off at her apartment and didn't expect to hear anything from her. Well, last night, I get the following text: "Hey, I just wanted you to know that one of the books you dropped off at my house isn't mine." To me, it seems like a silly reason to contact me. I mean, it's just a book, and obviously, if I gave her the book then I must not want to keep it. Plus she didn't ask what she should do with it, so it seemed like she was just texting to see if I'm still here...feeling me out. I guess I never expected her to do that. Just seems odd that she'd contact me "just to tell me" something like that. What do you guys think? When I first got it I felt really anxious and got a bit upset, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw it for what it was and felt ok. I debated a bit about whether to respond, and if so, what I would say. I know many people would recommend absolutely no response, but I felt that would convey "I'm still hurting and I'm going to ignore you." I decided to respond with the following text: "My bad. Keep it or throw it away." What do you guys think? Did I respond ok? Should I have responded? I realize I'm making a bigger deal about this than I should (It's only a text, and not a very good one!), but I'm not over her, and I figure you guys will understand and have been there. I'd appreciate any thoughts.
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Short, sweet, to the point, practical, efficient, business-like. Cool. Now, if she comes back with - "Ok thanks, I didn't want it to be yours and then you get upset about me throwing it, because I know you love books, so howya doing?" Hit delete and don't reply.
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Agreed, nicely side-stepped. The more I think about it, the more I realise NC is a bit 'rule utilitarianism' for me. To respond with something that contains no feelings/emotions, and genuinely not expecting/wanting a response, just a 'at least now I know she knows and my mind is at rest' kind of thing, that's fine. But here I go trying to justify my own decisions!
Author justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Just received the following message from her: "Is there something wrong? I mean, did I do something to make you mad?" Not sure what to say...I could really use some advice!
Silverthorn1973 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Just received the following message from her: "Is there something wrong? I mean, did I do something to make you mad?" Not sure what to say...I could really use some advice! I would have a few choice words I'd want to say to her after that SMS. But, in the mood I'm in right now, I'd just delete it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 What did I tell you?? I knew it!! I JUST KNEW IT!! THis is why I said what I said!! You answered the text she sent you about the book. CORRECTLY. Now, she's yanking your chain, and getting you to pick up her breadcrumbs!! She's messing with your mind!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! DO - NOT - RESPOND!! let her hang!! She broke up with you, noiw she's asking if there's something wrong? What did she expect?? "My Bad either keep it or throw it away. oh and by the way I love you, miss you want you back and am desperate to talk to you!" - ????? :mad: No NO NO!! Do not reply to this - or any other attempts!!
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 What did I tell you?? I knew it!! I JUST KNEW IT!! THis is why I said what I said!! You answered the text she sent you about the book. CORRECTLY. Now, she's yanking your chain, and getting you to pick up her breadcrumbs!! She's messing with your mind!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! DO - NOT - RESPOND!! let her hang!! She broke up with you, noiw she's asking if there's something wrong? What did she expect?? "My Bad either keep it or throw it away. oh and by the way I love you, miss you want you back and am desperate to talk to you!" - ????? :mad: No NO NO!! Do not reply to this - or any other attempts!! S.P.O.T O.N.! Just shows you did it the right way. There IS method to this madness!
Author justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 But why? What is she trying to accomplish?
Riffmeister General Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 But why? What is she trying to accomplish? She's trying to appease the guilt she's feeling. She'd love to know she got out of this relationship without hurting you. DON'T give her that satisfaction!
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 AAAAANNNDDD..... She's feeding her ego. She wants to know that she's still important enough to you to be able to affect how you feel. She wants to know that even though she broke it off with you, you still have feelings for her, which validates her presence in your life. She just wants to know you're still thinking of her, pining for her, and burning a candle for her. She's a real piece. but - She came back with the predictable "whassup?" This is why I tried to warn you. She wasn't quite done with you. And the alarm bell/ red flag I GOT, was from this..... To me, it seems like a silly reason to contact me. I mean, it's just a book, and obviously, if I gave her the book then I must not want to keep it. Plus she didn't ask what she should do with it, so it seemed like she was just texting to see if I'm still here...feeling me out. I guess I never expected her to do that. Just seems odd that she'd contact me "just to tell me" something like that. What do you guys think? That to me was all the proof I needed, that she was trying it on. Book? What book??
Author justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Wouldn't ignoring her make it seem like I am angry though? Wouldn't it be better for me to appear as though I don't care. I was thinking about sending another brief reply like: "Nope. Everything is fine." That way, I'm still not revealing anything I am feeling, nor am I giving her anything to pin me with. Thoughts?
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 No. Absolutely, positively not. Any response from you validates her importance in her eyes. She knows all she has to do to prolong this separation is to just metaphorically click her fingers (or press 'send') and she knows she'll get a reaction. Please take it from people who have been there, and done that. It's not rude of you. She tore your heart out and stamped on it. THAT'S rude. So - don't you have a right to be angry? She's trying to re-insinuate herself into your life. Be your focus and object of thought. Please - Leave it be!! Turn off your 'phone, now!!
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 When I first got it I felt really anxious and got a bit upset, .......but I'm not over her, and I figure you guys will understand and have been there. Go with these feelings.... see what she's doing? We do understand, we have been there. So listen to us, please!
Author justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 I understand what you're saying, and you're probably right. The thing is though, I'm not mad at her. I mean, it hurts to be dumped, and I wish things had worked out differently. However, she made what she felt was the best decision for her, and I imagine it was difficult for her to do. She didn't break up with me maliciously, and she didn't cheat on me or leave me for someone else. She was just unhappy, and didn't know what else to do. I guess, for me, I'm more concerned with eliminating my powerless feeling, and I feel like ignoring her will make me appear angry and make it look like I am still hurting over this. I feel like it would send a stronger signal to her if I appeared indifferent and nonchalant. Is this just one of those instances when I should ignore my instincts?
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Oh good grief..... YES!!!! The whole point of No Contact is that it's there purely and simply to help you adjust to the loss and get on with your life. If you can stand in the same room as her, with her BF and watch him kiss her, and think "That's so wonderful, they look so great together!" - and mean it - THEN you can respond. Whilst she has a tug on your heart, any contact is dangerous to you, inhibiting to you, counter productive to you and hurtful to you. This isn't about her. It's about safeguarding you. Forget what it makes you look like. Think of what being in touch with her makes you feel like.
Author justletgo07 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Very True. You're right. I need to focus on myself, not alleviating whatever guilt she may be carrying around.
openbook08 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 ditto to every piece of advice youve been given TAKE IT come on , youre lucky enough to have been able to seek out such advice before you take any action that will only end up hurtin you geisha even saw it comin... take that as a huge warning sign we've all been there played the game but youre in the lucky position now of bein one step ahead KEEP WALKING DONT LOOK BACK
Eyeofthoth Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Oh good grief..... If you can stand in the same room as her, with her BF and watch him kiss her, and think "That's so wonderful, they look so great together!" - and mean it - THEN you can respond. * * * Forget what it makes you look like. Think of what being in touch with her makes you feel like. This is priceless. I have been wanting to reach out to my ex again so badly after almost 3 months of NC. He dumped me for an a former ex of his and it was horrible of him. It destroyed me and then I was really, really nice and understanding about it! I alternate between 1) wanting to contact him and tell him that I have finally realized how awful what he did was and scream at him about it the way most people would have screamed about it in the first place -- because I feel like a doormat for having been so kind and forgiving about it; and 2) wanting to contact him because I hope he has realized how idiotic he acted and is ready to come back, and I don't think he would ever come back on his own, even if he wanted to, because he actually does feel terribly guilty about what he did. I have a problem restraining myself from calling because I contacted him a few times after the break-up and always felt so happy talking to him -- except when he told me that he was still seeing the woman I will just call: "She who should die a painful death for stealing him from me." -- Then I wanted to die. And guess what? When I think of them together I want to vomit and kill someone. So -- why would I ever risk letting him tell me again that he is still with her? And why in God's name would I want to call him and see if he wants to come back? The truth is I am still in denial about the whole thing. I cannot fathom how a person who loved me so much and pursued me and portrayed himself as such an honorable person and convinced me to be his girlfriend could have turned around and treated me like such a piece of garbage. But the reality is that this is what happened, and therefore if he ever did want me to consider taking him back, what I would deserve and need is to have him crawl to me on his knees and beg me. I can't change the past. Whatever he thinks or doesn't think of the way I acted, that is where it ends . . . Now I need my life back. It's about focussing on yourself instead of the person who hurt you. That person is not your friend. A friend would not rip your heart out of your chest just because things weren't perfect. Better to post here, rant here, get it out of your system here -- and treat that person how they deserve to be treated by you: As if they are invisible.
thegoodlife Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 PLEASE 120% listen to the advice you have been given here. Responding with something nonchalant as you mentioned will only prompt her to further pursue small-talk-with-other-intentions with you and this is not what you need to do to yourself!
EmperorR Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 agree with everything geisha is saying. When I did no contact, my ex contacted me in regards to a stupid notebook, I juste deleted it and that was the last time she tried to contact me. Don't settle for breadcrumbs, if someone wants you back they will let you know, you owe them nothing at all. As long as they keep texting you and you keep replying they know they will always have you, they will say jump and you will say how high. It always baffles me how someone can dump you, treat you like crap, yet if you go nc and try to heal yourself your considered "mean'.
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