Twilight_Guy Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Hi everyone and thanks in advance, I'm with a girl who I totally adore, she's everything I've ever been after and I think the world of her but there's a problem thats making me seriously worried and I need some genuine advice Pretty much 90% of the time we have sexual intercourse at various different points she as I call it "freaks out" and asks me to stop. We've talked about it and I've asked pretty much all of the obvious questions such as am I hurting her, is it not nice for her etc and she always replies that she doesn't know why she stops it....she just does. Now i'm never pushy for sex, I'd rather if she wasn't in the mood that we didn't do it and I tell her that all the time (We recently went over 1 month with no sexual contact). Because of this I stopped trying to start things because I feel bad when she has to say "no" or that she "isn't in the mood". Whats really messing my head is when she starts things, wants to carry them on then stops for what appears to be no apparent reason. (Although obviously there is). Now we're quite open with each other and I know that her only ever sexual partner was very "me me me" and never cared about her. That was obvious enough the first time she climaxed with me and was confused as hell as to why her leg was shaking like it did! We've talked about things very openly but whenever it comes to why she wants to stop she always says "I don't know I'm just being silly", she also says that she loves the fact that she knows she can ask me to stop and I won't shout at her (Her previous partner used to pull lines such as You obviously don't love me anymore and force her mentally into carrying on. ) She's said that in the past she's very rarely enjoyed sex with her previous partner and that its "fantastic" with me because I make her feel things she's never felt before............but on the flip side she never used to stop her previous partner, but does to me We've been together for only half a year and the rest of the relationship is fantastic, she wants to spend every single free minute of her time with me, I treat her the best I possibly can do, she always wants to touch my hand etc, is very loving and I can't get enough I just want to understand whats making her react in this way because she's saying she doesn't really know herself. Usually when she asks me to stop she gets upset immediately after so I just hold her close and tell her I love her and not to worry.....then she gets told off for apologising when she says sorry. My gut feeling is that she's not sexually attracted to me and I asked her outright if thats what it was (In the nicest way possible of course). She just got upset and said that she's being silly and her being silly has got me thinking things that aren't true.....but she doesn't know why. A very confused guy
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 ......She's said that in the past she's very rarely enjoyed sex with her previous partner and that its "fantastic" with me because I make her feel things she's never felt before............but on the flip side she never used to stop her previous partner, but does to me There it is right there. her partner was very demanding, "me, me, me", as you put it, and always made sure he got what he wanted regardless of her feelings. Subconsciousy, what she's doing is staying in control. orgasm is a temporary loss of control, and as this ex was so controlling, she's taking it back. She's controlling the situation by not permitting herself to be "used", and be out of control again. I emphasise, this is all subconscious. She's not deliberately doing this, but I suspect there's some truth in what I'm putting forward. If she can't see her way past this, like a stuck record, I suggest counselling. And maybe let her take the lead for a while.....
Author Twilight_Guy Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 Geishawhelk - What you've said makes a lot of sense and thankyou. You're actually the second person to mention it as possibly being a control thing. The thing I find difficult understanding though is how she could be with someone for over 1 year, have sex with him every single time they got together if it was as bad as she said.....then go back there again on rebound a couple of months after they broke up........yet its an issue 90% of the time with me. JamesM - There's no history of sexual abuse although in my eyes what her last partner did is sexual abuse anyway. No means No in my books regardless of the reason. I need to stress I've been extremely sympathetic to her about the whole thing, its just i'm at the stage where I don't know what the best thing is to do anymore and it does make me feel like she's not sexually attracted to me but likes who and how I am with her.
Geishawhelk Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Geishawhelk - What you've said makes a lot of sense and thankyou. You're actually the second person to mention it as possibly being a control thing. The thing I find difficult understanding though is how she could be with someone for over 1 year, have sex with him every single time they got together if it was as bad as she said.....then go back there again on rebound a couple of months after they broke up. There is something addictive about being in a relationship of this kind. It's almost a protection instinct. Those who control us "obviously" have our best interests at heart, are protective, authoritative, dependable and reliable. But then it goes overboard, becomes dominating, abusive and destructive. Yet we are drawn back because somehow, for some reason, there's a payoff. I couldn't begin to try to guess what that could have been, in her case..... It ended. She went back. It ended again. She knows now what he was like, but learned behaviour is a hard habit to break.
Author Twilight_Guy Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 I asked her recently if she wanted to stop sex completely, whether it be for a short time or for a long time and she said she doesn't and that she wants to learn how to enjoy it because she never has. But part of me thinks that stopping it might actually be a good thing because I hate seeing how upset she gets after she's asked me to stop. Would it be better to keep trying when she wants to? Or for me to put a stop to it to prove to her just how much I love her....and in return hopefully she'l learn to fully let herself go with me that way? I just want the best for her and I'm not sure she knows what that is.
Geishawhelk Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Let her initiate, and 'take the lead'..... get her to relax in a nice warm bath, give her a massage and make her desire it. Then, just go gently with it, and let her guide the pace. but I would suggest she does IC if possible. Just to help her see her self-imposed restrictions and understand them.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 You mentioned that she didn't understand the 'leg shaking' thing. Maybe it is something simple - if she doesn't know her body well, she could be experiencing that 'have to pee' feeling that comes just before a squirt and she could be paranoid that she is going to pee on you! I used to do the same thing when I was younger and didn't really 'get' what was going on. It feels really intense, almost too much so. A lot of women tend to stop right there not understanding what comes (pun intended) next. Women get embarrassed about stuff like that. No one wants to say "I feel like I might pee on you and all over the bed". It may be something more, but I"m just throwing out another idea to think on.
The Collector Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 She may be a great girl, but if after six months she still can't have normal sex I'd be forced to dump her. It's constant rejection for you, and you deserve someone who clearly wants you. I agree that there is a danger she doesn't find you sexually attractive. She may complain about her ex, but possibly she did like his forceful nature - how long were they together and who ended it?
CandyGirlXO Posted January 9, 2009 Posted January 9, 2009 Do you know of any sexual abuse in her past? This is what I was thinking as well. Either that or some girls really just don't enjoy sex. I have friends that just do not have much of a drive for it. So it could just be that. If she is loving towards you like you said and always wants to spend time with you, holding your hand etc... then I seriously doubt it has anything to do with her not being sexually attracted to you.
GloryDays Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 First I want to say that you sound like a really awesome guy! I don't believe it's her "not being attracted to you" at all. If she's affectionate towards you, treats you well, etc. I can't see it being that. I think it could be one of two things. Either the abuse from her past relationship, or she is insecure about something within herself. Yes, some females just don't enjoy sex...but I don't think this is the main thing here. Do you take your time with her while doing the act? Could you try kissing her alot before and during, massaging her...just being very romantic and loving towards her (if you already haven't done so)? It seems like she may have something she's insecure about...?
norajane Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 the first time she climaxed with me and was confused as hell as to why her leg was shaking like it did!I'm guessing that hasn't happened much since then? She stops you before climaxing? I think Geisha is right - it's about control. She's afraid of losing control of her body and of herself. She didn't have that fear with her ex, because he never got anywhere near giving her orgasms, so she could have sex and keep "herself" intact. He never had that kind of control over her and her body, the power to make her body climax. She may never have even realized a man could have that power. But she never gave ALL of herself to him, because he never bothered to get that far. SHE had all the control then, because she could make HIM climax every time. I'm guessing she's afraid of what will happen if she gives ALL of herself to you. This is fear of intimacy and of losing control over herself. She needs to learn to trust you completely before she can get past this. It may take a lot of time and patience on your part.
iceis44 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 she also says that she loves the fact that she knows she can ask me to stop and I won't shout at her There is your answer, its a test on her part, just my theory tho
feelinghurtoverthis Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 She was essentially physically (sexually) and emotionally abused by her previous partner, because he forced her to have sex when she did not want to. I think her telling you to stop has nothing to do with you, but instead is her not being ready to give herself over to someone yet. She is still a bit traumatized over how this other man treated her, and she may not realize it which is why she starts to have sex with you in but then she freaks out in the middle because she really isn't healed from the abuse yet. Yes it may be that subconsciously she wants to know that she is still in control and can say no/stop and you will listen. It may be a trust thing and again she wants to know that she can trust you to stop when she says to. Sexual trauma can take years to heal. If you really love her, you may have to deal with the fact that normal sex may not happen for quite a while. She needs time and understanding on your part. As you suggested it might be a good thing to tell her that you guys should stop having sex, just say "I care about you, love you, and don't want to see you upset, and maybe the best thing would be to hold off on having sex for a while."
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