My story....really hard.

[lastnight]

I've sat here and taken a lot of comfort from this website in the last few weeks but I really need to get what's going on with me right now, off my chest and hopefully carry on helping myself to heal.

 

So my girlfriend split up with me on the 21st december, it was sort of on the cards as there had been a lot of tension in the relationship in the last month or so but we were trying to make it right (both parties I thought).

 

We'd started to get together around this time last year, although we'd like each other for probably yet another year previously but at the time I was at uni and had a long time girlfriend and my ex was a lot younger than me. But I guess these things just have a their own way of happening, I finished uni, the long term previous relationship ended and I ran into her one day last November and it just went from there.

 

It was a bit of a whirlwind and very full on from the get go, her birthday is at the end of jan, so I took her out for an amazing meal (her family are vege's so she'd never eaten steak before) we stayed in this great hotel, and spent the next day walking around london in the same clothes as the night before with not a care in the world. I'd never felt such a deep and instant love so quickly.

 

I took her for a picnic on valentines day and by that evening she was my girlfriend. From that moment on we got closer and closer and things were amazing. We were best friends and although there was the age gap and distance at times was a problem we always got by and it was good. Other things like her going to australia with family for three weeks over easter, we got through.

 

I'd honestly never been happier.

 

We went on holiday together for a week in early June, again an amazing time, everything just felt right.

 

Then at the end of july she went on her first girls holiday to Zante. All the rest of her friends are single and to be honest we never hung out with her friends so i didnt feel 100% confident that they wouldnt encourage her to forget about me and do all the things that young alchohol fuelled singletons do. I went on that same holiday myself a few years back and know the score. In short I was dreading it.

 

The first couple of days she was out there I got a few txts here and there saying she loved me and then after that, nothing. She didnt call me once she got home and so I left it a few hours and then rang her, she was very weird with me on the phone. The reason I was so annoyed at this time was because I'd seen in the last few days of the holiday she'd managed to get to an internet cafe to use facebook yet she hadn't dropped me a msg to say hello.

 

Anyway we sorted it out, she came over the next day and again was odd and distant. She went away again after that a few days after with her family which strained things more, communication was very sporadic and for the first time the relationship to me started to present me with problems I'd never encountered before, jealousy, neediness, as more and more pictures from her holiday popped up on Facebook etc I drove myself insane.

 

By the mid of august I took her to a music festival to see one of her favourite acts, I thought this would be a good starting point to make things right again, me....her....the sun....music....alchohol, all good. She ended up getting really ill and we had to leave early. Again she began being cold and distant to me, that night rolling over in bed. This is when the physical interaction started being withdrawn again driving me nuts doubting what was wrong.

 

The next morning she turned round and asked me if I was happy. To which I replied yes but whats wrong. She then went on to tell me about how she loved me but didnt know if she was IN love with me anymore, but it was upsetting her she was feeling like this and wanted to tell me so we could sort it out. She said she didnt know why she felt like this.

 

So we talked it through and we sort of decided to just see what happened. She went into the shower at mine, and then I did something I should of probably never of done.....her phone was sitting there and a txt went off. So I read her msgs. There was a whole load of dodgy txts in there, ones from her friend saying XXX likes you I think, he had a row with his gf earlier, a msg from this guy I now suspect she cheated on me with on holiday either physcially or mentally saying he couldnt see her that day, and a msg from another guy one of his mates simply saying "have you split up with your bf yet".

 

My whole world felt like it was falling down. These guy 'mates' who'd met them out there being friends with one of her friends already from back home, were starting in my eyes to unsettle my girl, if they hadn't already done unrepairable damage.

 

So obviously in shock I confronted her and gave her a chance to explain. I wish she could of just been honest but she said it was all innocent and the message about splitting up was from this immature guy. I didn't buy it really, she made a big play about how I'd broken her trust, when in reality all I think is that you'd only say that if you'd been caught out lieing....right?

 

So we took some time out and then she got back in touch with me very warm and open saying how she didnt want to lose me etc. I went round there and i laid it on the line, dont **** me about, she begged cried and pleaded, in the end i took her back.

 

The thing is here is that I'm not stupid and naive, but I can't explain how much I care and the connection I had with this girl to trust my heart over my head.

 

So again that evening she went away with her friends to another festival for the weekend, and that was all good she rang me when she could and we were back to where we were in June it felt like, I wasn't worrying etc, and when she got back the sex was amazing.

 

The guys that were 'mates' from holiday slowly started to fade away into the background as they went off to uni and well real life kicks back in.

 

All in all though it was a bit of a patchy summer for us too, but we got by and things were good again. So I thought.

 

At the end of September we went out one night and I got drunk. I ended up looking through her phone again while she was asleep. She'd been deleting txts off her phone from this guy the same one i thought she'd cheated with me. but she hadn't gotten to this one. I felt crushed. I went to sleep at hers, spent the day with her family and then when we were alone the next night confronted her about it. Although most of the issues from her holiday had sort of been resolved, it was always this underlying thing and I just asked her once and for all. She denied it all. I asked her if she'd spoken to this guy. She said no. SHE LIED TO MY FACE.

 

This was the moment I should of been a man, got my clothes back on and left for good. But she begged and cried again and I stayed.

 

Things were pretty **** again for a while, she even tried to break up with me, but I begged and this is when the power in the relationship shifted. Sex always became an issue, I was forcing her into it.

 

Distance was becoming a problem, as in her lack of effort to travel meant that if I wanted to see her I had to do all the running. As I don't drive this was taking it's strain. So I made the leap, I moved out of my parents place and into my own flat in her town. It wasn't the sole reason to move her as work is in this town etc, but primarily it was meant to make life easier and mean when we saw each other it wasn't always so much pressure to cram as much into a short time frame.

 

Anyway it was all good and exciting that first week I moved in here we couldnt see enough of each other, then the next weekend I had a housewarming and it was my birthday the next day. Honestly I couldnt of felt happier. Despite everything we'd gone through to get to this point it all just felt like it kind of had been worth it. True love never runs smooth etc.

 

Then another shift, she started visiting less and less and less, until the point where she said her workload at college was becoming too much and she didnt know if she had time to fit everything in.

 

At about the same time I think I was starting to get depressed, I hadn't seen much of my friends since I'd moved and was rattling around in this new place by myself most of the time. Work was pretty tough as well and I lost my way, my focus, and the things that I loved doing.

 

All at the same time as my best friend became distant again.

 

We then had a chat one night, she came round, I felt like a burden to her, I cooked her this amazing meal, no real thanks, asked her about her plans for the weeks ahead, christmas etc, nothing included me, it was all about her friends and that is all she cared about. So I told her I didn't know if I was happy. She took it pretty badly, stayed the night went straight to sleep then pretty much cut contact for about a week. I went to hers that friday night and she broke it off, she said she had no time for me or herself and couldnt see it working. It was weird but I felt strong as I left her house, I went back to mine and all my friends came over and I felt like although it wasnt in my hands, my whole world wasnt falling apart.

 

She txt me that night saying everything felt wrong and could she come and see me tomorrow, I agreed but was determined to stay strong. I was cool we just chatted again like old times, it started to not feel like a breakup. I was playing it cool as obviously I didn't want her to just think she could click her fingers and have me when she wanted. The next day she invited me over again to hers, I was a bit reluctant but went over late in the evening. She was all over me and as I left gave me a hand written letter.

 

It went on to explain a lot of deep stuff that she'd never really told me, trying to sum up and explain why she feels like she'd acted and that although it was only two days apart she'd realised how much I meant to her and could we give it another go. I said yes but let's just chill it out a bit.

 

Baring in mind this was mid dec and we hadn't had sex in a month or so since my birthday I tried to make a move on her the next time I saw her, she rejected me, we argued, etc.

 

Then when we finally did get it on 21st dec, she stopped me half way through and just started crying her eyes out for about 45 minutes. Saying how unhappy in life she is, she thinks she's depressed, we're not working out, not good for each other and she wants to end it???

 

I know we'd been through our troubles and this was a rocky patch but this just went against everything she'd wrote in that letter. I felt pretty low this time, I thought she'd taken the weak way out by letting this drag on another couple of weeks, i'd of been in a much better place to deal with it at the start of dec. But 4 days before xmas? Heh.

 

Nobody really wants to be on their own over the holidays, but I felt doubly crushed because most of my family had gone away abroad and I'd turned this down because she'd made a big play of me spending some of xmas day with her. Also I had a choice in the summer whether to move into my own place or spend the money on a trip to new york and canda with a few friends the day after boxing day and would of got back this coming thursday. I obviously chose the flat and so was facing xmas alone.

 

She txt me a few times, and even said I was welcome to come over on xmas day still, but I said I didn't think that'd be right. On Xmas eve I went out with a big group of my friends and had a great time, but at about 1am I got a call from the ex, crying down the phone and saying she just wanted to say hello. I can't really remember what I said because I was pretty drunk. She txt me that day to apologize for calling and wish we happy xmas. We txt quite a lot that day and the tone of her txts was very friendly.

 

Boxing day came and went, I didn't txt her waiting to see if she would. She didnt. I put this down to her probably seeing her friends, and started to work out a pattern of when she was alone she'd txt me but when she was busy she wouldn't.

 

I called her the next day when I got back to my place and we had a massive chat about everything. She cried a lot again and said she was all over the place and it wasn't about me and her she needed to sort her head as she was so unhappy. Ended the conversation on good terms and I said I'd speak to her soon.

 

I txt her on the monday just asking how she was, no reply. Then I went against my judgement and sent her a long facebook msg mainly for my own cathartic means, but basically saying I was fine with the breakup, evem though it wasn't what I wanted but was just going to get on with life etc. It felt good, I didn't know if she'd respond but she didn't.

 

Then on xmas eve she sends me a txt, no mention of the msg but that sorry she didn't reply the other day she had no credit, asked me my nye plans etc. So I called her again, and it was cool, you see despite everything, despite how much I know I shouldn't talk to her or I should think badly of her for the way she has treated me, when it's just us too the connection is unlike any other i've ever had with a person.

 

So on new years eve after the countdown she called me, I was at a party and she said "i just wanted to say happy new to one of my best friends". I took this pretty badly I mean what a ****ty thing to say, I said cool, happy new year then pretty much hung up. I called her the next day and she was at her friends who lives about 2 minutes from mine. I thought maybe she might come over or something, she was very short with me on the phone so I said goodbye then thought in all honesty this is the start of serious NC no messing around anymore.

 

I did my own thing, didn't contact her, hit the gym, saw a lot of my friends, went out, had a pretty sad reflective moment watching all the couples go past stumbling home drunk into taxis together.

 

All the while trying to keep a lid on everything and turning a blind eye to the fact that facebook indicating my ex was doing just fine, going out getting drunk maybe a little too much (her status updates were always about this), then this photo album pops up with her in it, all those guys from her holiday and in every damn picture she is with this guy, in one even sitting on his lap. The guys got a girlfriend, but I know from how my ex pursued me if she wants something that badly she'll do anything to get it.

 

My heart sunk at this point. I was doing pretty well in my own way but this just made me feel like a fool. So I called her, i just wanted to find out what the hell she was doing, but I stayed calm and tryed to fish rather than rant.

 

In the end we chatted for nearly an hour and a half about this and that. Then she said she'd speak to me during the week, but I really wanted to speak to her again last night just to try and see what the score is, I txt her asking if she wanted to talk, and got no reply.

 

So if you've got this far, you probably think I'm a joke and should of stood up and been counted long ago.

 

The trouble is she's given me false hope at many stages of the relationship, and the more I push for her the more she pulls away and the more I try and make it right.

 

Because I care about her so much am I taking the claim that she's depressed too seriously, is she trying to let me down gently, I genuinely want to make sure she's ok. If she'd of just turned around and gone, I've got feelings for this other guy and I'm unsure, I would of walked, but I know she wouldn't do this because that's too final.

 

I think deep down she may get back in touch now that this guy has gone back to uni, and he's still with his girlfriend. It could all be innocent but she's finished with me and it seems like to prove a point to him and everybody else perhaps.

 

I don't want to be that backup guy though, but I do still love this woman despite everything too much.

 

I've been going out enjoying myself, keeping myself busy and getting on with it all but at times it feels so pointless because ultimately all I want is her.

 

Please don't shoot me down too much, I know I probably havn't handled this the best way at times, but all I go along with is the fact that I was with my ex ex for 3 years prior to this, and at that time I thought it was good, but this just feels like hard raw true love. This feels like the real deal.

 

Any advice....I will take on board and appreciate.

[lastnight]

Bit of an update, I just sat down and analyzed what was making me weak and it was the thought of her being in the background of my life, able to some how still be a part of it without giving me what I needed (i.e. being with me and being sorry she'd hurt me by turning her back).

 

So I just sent her a msg that told her I still love her but I can't do this anymore and that I have to cut all ties with her so I deleted her on facebook and myspace and removed pictures and memories that would get me down and to only contact me if she wanted to get back together, and if she didn't then this would make it easier.

 

Although I felt pretty bad especially deleting a photo album of pictures of our holiday we went on as this was a very fond time in my life I suddenly felt a massive weight off my shoulders.

 

Am I better off without her?

 

x

[not_a_happy_camper]

hi lastnight. i'm in a similar situation. where i was the one always making the effort. the minute i called on my ex to make an effort, he bailed. i still think we could have made a go of it. hard to, when you know the other person doesn't feel the same way. the other day i was thinking we could never be together again..............i'm annoyed at my own inconsistency of thought. probably annoying everyone else with it as well! you've done the right thing to delete her off facebook though. i did the same and it's really helped. you really don't need to see what's going on with her right now. she knows where you are if she wants to contact you. but honestly it sounds like she hasn't treated you the best................

[lastnight]

The indecisiveness is a heartbreaker, I sort of look at my emotions at the moment like a yo-yo, up, down, up down. Do you still have contact with your ex happy camper?

 

So the **** hit the fan after removing her from facebook, she got really upset and called me last night.

 

Again we chatted for nearly two hours, she kept emphasising the fact that it's not black and white, she doesn't know why she's doing this other than the fact that she's so unhappy because her mum walked out a year ago and her whole life has changed.

 

Is she just burying her head in the sand here? She refuses to speak to her mum despite her trying to make effort, her two younger brothers spend a week with her and her dad and then a week at her mums alternating.

 

I just can't get my head round why she's pushing me away rather than letting me help her.

 

She did say in a selfish way since we've broken up it's made it easier for her me not being around because there is no expectations placed on her anymore.

 

So she was really down saying "so you dont want to speak to me anymore", and in the back of my mind im sitting there thinking i don't owe you anything you broke up with me.

 

But I said to her I need to do this for me and to help me get over you, i still love you and want you in my life more than anything but it's not in my hands. I don't think we should speak again until you want to make this work and see me again.

 

She agreed and that is how it has been left for now. I wonder if/when she will call me next, I'm doubting she'd have the courage to call me if she moves on and decides this really really is the end.

 

Still, I feel much better today no facebook spying driving me mad, no doubt in my mind I could be doing anything more to win her back etc. If she trully does love me and it's meant to be, we'll get back together, work through our problems, whether it's in a week or 6 months because I won't of met anybody else. If I have then it'll be too late and life will of gone on.

 

I suddenly feel very strong and the only way I can explain getting to this point is excepting that life will always go on no matter how raw and dark it can feel at times.

[exclusive.]

I have more or less gone through something similar.

My ex's dad had an affair on her family last year and in result her mum tried to commit suicide. Her ex boyfriend before me also was very controlling and made her stay in every night and see him rather her live her life with her friends.

 

Now she is at university and all the work loads have come crashing down on her, shes gotten really depressed and turned into a nasty snappy person at me for now reason. Ditched me for her friends. Just basically stopped caring and she finished with me for the similar reason that she needs to 'sort herself out' but the only way to do it is to be 'single' - just like you in the fact that she also wants 'no expectations' from someone else, she wants to focus completely on herself.

I am pretty sure there is a compromise for me and her somewhere, I'd rather help her through it whilst sitting on the fence or something? But I guess in reality the fairest offer to either of us is ALL or NOTHING.

 

Just like I have been told, I suggest we move on with our lives and try to forget about it. If they sort their lives out and realise they have made the biggest mistake, maybe, they will come running back but at the same time - women are cowards when it comes to break ups and all this could be one big cock and bull story rather than saying her feelings just are not the same anymore.

 

That's why we gotta do ourselves a favour and just carry on, they're making the mistake here, so let them dig their graves and lie in them.

 

We shall cross the bridge about taking them back if they come running, until then - it's over.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Oh my god, your post really touched me. I can 100% relate to that feeling of reaching out, reaching out, reaching out, a man man/woman mission to salvage the relationship. You love and care for someone so much that you basically take emotional and mental abuse (that's what it amounts to) to keep THEM happy. This just really hit me, gave me a knot in my stomach. And made me realise how we all think our loves are magic and rare and special and that is what hurts. The thought of having experienced love...and another person ******* it up.

 

All I can say is you are...though this sounds corny, a beautiful soul. You put up with a lot for love. I think in a way we are all bloody martyrs for the people we love. We suffer FOR them, FOR us, because we think if only we keep carrying the load, it will soon be alright. You have a huge heart and that is a beautiful quality. You have to achknowledge that YOU are actually in the position of strength because you know how to love, care and be generous. She sounds like a leech, a taker. You aren't an idiot for putting up with it for so long. That's what love does - causes your heart to cancel out your head - and only the overwhelmingly strong and brave can manage to severe all ties when they are still in love.

 

It's so hard but really all you can know and take solace from is that you are a good person who can love. She on the other hand....she has a long way to go.

[lastnight]

Thanks Nikki for your kind words.

 

Indeed, I think the hurt you end up feeling more than anything is putting that person on a pedestal and putting all your faith into them, then when they walk away you reflect and feel bad that you got it so wrong. It doesn't take away from the good memories that you'll always cherish but I guess everybody is just looking for that complete thing rather than the learning curve.

 

Ultimately I know that I'll probably find somebody else in the future, somebody who probably cares about me and I'll look back on this time and appreciate that even more, but I think I'll always carry apart of this relationship with me and it'll play on my mind that I just couldn't make it work (even if it was impossible too).

 

I know I shouldnt feel like this but I know I will to whatever degree as that's the whole way I've felt through the relationship but that thought that things will get better keeps you holding on.

[Goatsbreath]

hey last night, I have been in this relationship before. It don't end good. Listen to Nikki Sahagin, you will give give give to make this relationship work and the more you give the more she will take to make it her own dysfunctional mess.

 

You know as we read this, as outsiders we are thinking, oh my god, just leave dude. Cut her out of your life and stop calling, stop taking her back every time she cries.

 

It truly is odd how we always view our relationships at the time as the magical one. I can promise you though man, you said you will always carry some of this relationship with you. The only part you will carry though is the gratification of knowing........thank god, I found something better.

 

I had this girl, one like yours. Right now I am in a different break up scenario but this girl at least has the gut to tell me how it is. Its no easier for me, probably harder in some ways but I do appreciate her brutal honesty.

 

I wish you the best

[atwitsend]

She is a serial cheater. She has no concept of faithfulness or honesty in her. I know you love her. But this is a woman who is controlled basically by her libido. She will cheat, lie, and screw behind every man she will ever have a relationship with. You need to find someone who believes like you. Good luck

[lastnight]

You know your head is telling you everything you guys are, but I think the worst thing of all is everything somehow someway keeps reminding me of her even when I'm not looking for it.

 

I'm doing everything I can to get on with stuff but keep having relapses and I'm struggling to sleep getting about 3 hours of broken a night which is making me feel a little like I'm walking around in a zombiefied state.

[JamesM]

Am I better off without her?

 

x

 

Yes.

 

Easy answer.

 

Reread your posts and see the drama that is in your life. Do you want this for the rest of your life? I know...."If I can spend it with her..."

 

No, in time you will get sick of it.

 

My suggestion is that if she cannot be exclusive during the early dating days, then it is not likely that she will be faithful in later years.

 

As hard as it is, I think moving on is the best thing that you can do.

[lastnight]

Believe me man, in time I know I will see things with clarity and clear perspective, it's just right now with emotions so high and raw it's not always easy to feel what you should be.

 

I just need time I know that now.

[lastnight]

Do you ever really get over someone when theres so many questions left unanswered, when you know things arn't perfect but your ex doesn't give you any real reasons other than 'they're unhappy in life'.

 

Hmm, I'm not finding it so hard to day to get on with things just my own questioning thoughts bringing me back from any progress I make.

 

3 days into nc now.

[lastnight]

After feeling much better about all this and just getting on with everything, my ex called me late last night.

 

Not for any real reason other than to just ask about what i'd been doing and invite me to her birthday celebrations in a few weeks.

 

At the end of the call she asked me to call her if i need anything?

 

What exactly could I need from her?

 

It's not sent me backwards, I don't feel suddenly all shook up, I just if anything wonder why she called.

 

Was she bored?

 

Was she lonely?

 

Is she starting to regret what she did?

 

Women. The mind boggles.

[DSM-IV Tom]

I've realized the primary element to healing amongst THIS forum, is negativity. It's what these people need to hear.

 

Your relationship is over. It was over long ago, probably the first time you broke up. She lied to you, she hid stuff from you. This isn't forgivable.

 

Finally, do you not see a pattern? Get back, break up, get back, break up. This is dead. It's nothing but a game of chasing now, really, and there's no hope.

 

Move on. It's that simple.

[Island Girl]

After feeling much better about all this and just getting on with everything, my ex called me late last night.

 

Yeah - you were feeling better and then she contacts you -- you talk to her -- and you feel worse. This is why when things have gone so far off track and you are being yanked back and forth it is best to go completely NC.

 

You were on your way and did the RIGHT thing by deleting her FB page, etc. But you slipped by tellig her to contact you if she wanted to get back together.

 

If you really want her back -- completely back -- and she WANTED to be back - completely back - then believe me she would chase you down however she had to.

 

But she has lost respect from you -- all the way back to the first time you found the texts and let her off the hook.

 

Unfortunate but true.

 

You stated in your original message:

 

"This was the moment I should of been a man, got my clothes back on and left for good. But she begged and cried again and I stayed.

 

Things were pretty **** again for a while, she even tried to break up with me, but I begged and this is when the power in the relationship shifted. Sex always became an issue, I was forcing her into it."

 

 

The power shifted in the first paragraph - not the second. Even with her begging and crying you should have held your ground and told her you refuse to be lied to and treated this way. That she needs to get her head on straight and as it stood you were done. You needed to send a clear statement that you are a man that needs to be appreciated and cherished or you simply will not be around so there would not be any question that she could easily lose you. And that point should have been proven so that when she came back again, crying and so sorry, she had to earn the 100% back from you.

 

Not for any real reason other than to just ask about what i'd been doing and invite me to her birthday celebrations in a few weeks.

 

Typical. Just making sure you are stillon the hook - you are tried and tested. You have proven that she can count on you and that you really do care.

 

But she believes there may be better out there. This new guy or someone else may be more fun, more handsome, sexier, whatever.

 

Her fears are that she will let you go - someone who is so great, who really cares, who she gets along with, and then some new guy will give her false promises and NOT be what she wants.

 

That is why she wants to keep you on the back burner. So she still has the option of getting back with you.

 

Unfortunately all of your actions have led her to believe that she can because she HAS.

 

At the end of the call she asked me to call her if i need anything?

 

What exactly could I need from her?

 

She is just yanking your chain again. And letting you know she "cares". She cares enough to make sure the communication is open - mostly so that if SHE needs something from YOU she can still call. That is the implication of the open door.

 

It's not sent me backwards, I don't feel suddenly all shook up, I just if anything wonder why she called.

 

It may not have set you backwards but it did nothing as far as her respect for you goes. It did nothing as far as letting her know it is all or nothing with you and that you will not be kept as a stand in.

 

Was she bored?

 

Was she lonely?

 

Does it matter? Who cares what was going through her head. She has made some very poor choices that were extremely hurtful. She consciously made these choices knowing that you would be hurt and angry (justifiably so!) yet she made them anyway.

 

THIS is the person you want back in your life and waste any amount of time talking to.

 

She is sowing her oats and is handling it all with little thought to how her actions would effect you. You should be really angry at this point and completely emotionally removed. Yet she has gotten you into the cycle. The dysfunctional cycle of improper boundaries and your emotions being toyed with. YUCK!

 

Is she starting to regret what she did?

 

She regrets it sometimes. When she is feeling alone and insecure. But the second she sees or hears from or about whoever she is now interested in that all goes away and you are the furthest thing from her mind.

 

But of course, if she is feeling that way and there is no distraction, she contacts you and reassures herself that you are still there on the shelf just waiting...and waiting...and longing for her...and torn up wrenched with so much devotion to her...

 

She has her cake and she is eating it too. She'll continue to do so as long as you keep allowing it to happen.

[lastnight]

Thanks Island Girl.

 

I needed to read that post to solidify what I've been gradually realizing which has been helping my healing.

 

I let myself get treated badly by her, at times willingly.

 

I take my own blame for letting things get to the point they did, in reflection I could of made this better for myself by sticking to my gut instincts and my head rather than my heart.

 

What is done is done though.

 

I just wish she wouldn't call me, other than to completly u-turn and somehow have all the answers and maturity to genuinely be capable of eliminating her characteristics and mine that made things end. To be honest though the chances of this I feel are about 0.001%.

 

Shame as I loved this girl, more than anything, but now I'm finally starting to put me first again.

 

Next time she calls it will be tough but I will ignore it, she can easily get hold of me if it means enough to her, I only live round the corner from one of her friends, her college etc, and work at various times in town. I don't want to be that back up guy and her to think she can have me whenever she picks and chooses.

 

Thanks for all your help on this island girl, I won't forget your reply and your wise words in a hurry.

[Island Girl]

Next time she calls it will be tough but I will ignore it, she can easily get hold of me if it means enough to her, I only live round the corner from one of her friends, her college etc, and work at various times in town. I don't want to be that back up guy and her to think she can have me whenever she picks and chooses.

 

Just keep in mind that when she calss you should talk to her. Not at all. No communication.

 

And it will cause her to try harder but you must stay strong for yourself. Get yourself out of "doormat" status and regain your self respect.

 

That is all you are doing after all.

 

You owe her less than nothing after the way she has treated you.

 

If she comes around to try to talk to you (since her friends lives so near) you must be busy and get the hell out of there!

 

If she comes to your door, do not allow her in, say you are on the way out. Grab your keys and GO. Go anywhere. To the store - to a friends - wherever. Just do not get into a conversation with her.

 

If you happen to see her in passing give a passing glance and a courtesy wave just like you would any other acquaintance. Nothing more.

 

And when she goes a bit crazy because you are no longer at her beck and call - allow her to go into a tailspin and do not worry as to how she will get out of it.

 

Put thoughts of how she is feeling aside. She certainly had no problem doing that to you, now did she?

Remember that.

[neverlost]

I was with my previous partner for just over 3 years and we broke up just before Xmas. Good times! :-|

 

Currently on a break with my current partner, even though I was with the other longer, like you, this love feels so much more real.

 

I don't believe you stated her age, but she sounds young. My partner or ex-partner *shrugs* is currently at university and is a bit younger. She is also in another city. I think it's incredibly hard to date someone at college/university etc. All those parties, drinking etc. while you are in bed due to work in the morning. And they change so much, people around them influencing them.

 

I think you pretty know what you have to do by now though. I wish you all the best,

 

-neverlost

[lastnight]

Indeed.

 

I really do feel like I'm over all this now.

 

She is a lot younger than me, 17 in fact, I'm 23. I know, I know. The age thing was always a massive deal from the word go, a few years down the line for us and it wouldn't be such a big deal I don't think but hey ho I knew what I was getting myself into from the outset, love makes you lose your sight though.

 

Now I just sort of feel sorry for her, I know deep down she's going to end up regretting doing this, once the novelty of going out getting ****faced wears off, (been there, done that, actually worked out what I like doing in my life). Long hard slog of education/uni etc to deal with. I'm finished with all that and just realized my life is now in my hands.

 

Shes got a lot of growing up to do, lot's of people to make acquaintance with who won't turn out as genuine as they first seem.

 

At least I can walk away without being an arrogant prick, and excepting I wasn't perfect but I know I did everything I could. I never once lied. I never once desired anybody else while I was with her as in past relationship. I was true.

 

Now I can spend my time back to doing what I love, taking pride in my job (I'm a music promoter, very fortunate to do what I love for a living), I've got my own place where my mates can hang whenever they like and I can just do whatever I feel like doing really, nothing holding me down.

 

But best of all, I can stop doing something I feel ashamed for doing, and that's wishing my circumstances were different to fit in with my ex. I can't believe I let myself fall into that place where I felt miserable for not being her age and not being to fit into her cultural circle. I think that's pathetic of me now, because I'm better than that. I had my fun doing what she will do over the next few years at that time, but I'd never want to go and do it again.

 

Life isn't so bad, I don't regret this relationship at all, because through the extreme highs and lows it's given me some good and bad things I'll take, carry with me forever and hopefully draw from on the next relationship.

 

It's taken me just short of a month to see, but something true no matter how heavy it feels in your heart, shouldn't be so difficult, nobody wants easy, but love, real love, should help you grow rather than shrink you down.

 

Thanks for all your words on this one, this board and forum is trully a major part of me getting through all this.

 

Peace. x