RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Hi and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I have so much to say but will try to limit it without leaving out the important details. I am 26 years old and my boyfriend (or ex, i will just call him dan) turns 27 this month. We have been together for 6 years, with two previous breakups about 2 years apart. I am really Dan's first girlfriend and when we first started dating Dan was interested in me but really more concerned with his buddies and other things in life. He was not going to college. Just working as a cook. A point came when Dan told me he I couldn't be his girlfriend because he just can not commit. It does not have to do with me. Well, we tried to be just friends and that led us right back were we started. Although this time Dan was more interested in me. Well this next time things were going better and we were closer. Dan also started college which he once said he said he couldn't do. However Dan would never want to admit that we were in a relationship and one day broke my heart by planning a trip without me after we had just talked about going on one and knew how badly I wanted to go on vacation with him. So I broke it of with him after a long talk because again he said he couldn't commit. Well again after a couple months we got back together and things had never been better. I was so happy and he seemed to be too. He told people we were in a relationship. He paid more attention to my needs and feelings. He told me everyday how much he cared for me and "loved" me although he never was able to use the word "love". (which was a word never used in his house growing up) He also started law school out of state this past sept. We talked about me moving there with him this AUg because I had just graduated and he was coming back here in May for a summer internship. I told him I would also like for us to get engaged then and married the following year. He always "joked" around saying things like "Whoa" when I talked about it, yet he said he was just kidding and that this is what he wanted. He also joined in conversations I started about the wedding and kids. Well tomorrow morning we are supposed to be going on a booked and paid for cruise. However, Dan broke up with me this past tuesday saying I deserved better. He said he talked with his parents and realized I want diffferent things than he does right now. (I will mention I never felt his parents wanted us together, He is Jewish I am not). He cried telling me this and told me he loves me with his whole heart. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about this before making this decision and why he had to make this decision right now, especially before the cruise and since I wasn't moving there for 9 months. He really couldn't give me good answers. He said we will talk about it more soon but right now it is too hard for him. So basically I need advice. What is going on here? I am so heart broken. I can't breath, eat, sleep or function. I don't want to lose Dan. I feel short changed he didn't talk to me before making this decision. I have a fear of being alone, he has a fear of commitment. So who has to face their fear? Please help!!
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 So basically I need advice. What is going on here? I am so heart broken. I can't breath, eat, sleep or function. I don't want to lose Dan. I feel short changed he didn't talk to me before making this decision. I have a fear of being alone, he has a fear of commitment. So who has to face their fear? Please help!! How often do you guys communicate?
Author RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Everyday, several times a day.. Always a text in the morning, a call mid-day, several more texts and always a text good night. The reason for texts more than calls because of conflicting schedules with his school and my work This is all until now of course.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 Seize the day. Use the now time to get back in touch and re-kindle your care/love for each other.
Author RM0123 Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 If only I could convince him of that. I think his parents told him he was not being fair to me by dragging me along. Although I have no proof.. But why would they not recommened we talk about this and wait til after the cruise to make any final decisions. But I don't know really what they said.
You'reasian Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 If only I could convince him of that. I think his parents told him he was not being fair to me by dragging me along. Although I have no proof.. But why would they not recommened we talk about this and wait til after the cruise to make any final decisions. But I don't know really what they said. Talk to him.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Talk to him. youreasian, just noticing from some of your replies, not just on this thread..............you always encourage people to talk about things as opposed to NC, even when they are the dumpee, when everyone else recommends NC. ok, only two threads........ just curious about difference in tactics, not clutching at straws.........what do you think can be gained from talking, when everyone else says it will only hurt more? RM, i'm so sorry to hear you've been hurt in this way. but this isn't the first time ye've broken up................who always initiates the break? and who usually initiates reconciliation? is there a pattern?
sinkerswim Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Oh man... I KNOW how you feel about the commitment thing.. My boyfriend promised to marry me one day..we talked about it all the time. Until I moved here to Illinois from PA...then he said things changed. Obviously your Dan is a commitment phobe... he wants to be around you and love you.. (like mine) But yet..they dont feel we are the ones for them for some reason. WHY?? I don't understand just like you don't. All I know is...somehow...someway..we will get through this. I have been through it 5 years ago...with my ex fiance. STILL cannot believe my current boyfriend is doing this to me after he told me he could NEVER do that to me..he loved me too much. (He would tell me this our first couple years together) I am shaking right now as I am typing this..I feel so alone..I Just want things back to the way they once were. We are still together and I am waiting and cringing once again for him to say pack your bags and go. Im not ready yet..I built a life out here in Illinois...and dont want to say goodbye to him yet. But as of right now..he is acting like nothing is wrong the past 3 days. But deep down I know its still what he wants. Do you feel like you are going to just burst out crying at any second?? I know I do. Well...Feel free to cry....try to do it with family or friends or alone. Try not to let him hear or see you do it. Thats what I have been told. It probably just upsets him more. I AM HERE FOR YOU. SO private message me when you want. I will listen. *hugs*
Author RM0123 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I AM HERE FOR YOU. SO private message me when you want. I will listen. *hugs* Thank you. I read your entery and I couldn't believe how similar our situations are. I would love for us too talk. I am not sure how to private message though.
Geishawhelk Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 You can't PM for a while, as you're such a new member.
Author RM0123 Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 How a$$ backwards is that. I am on here because I am hurting and going through a break-up right now and need support. Later on I will have healed some and not need the support as badly.
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