zhsoj Posted December 28, 2008 Posted December 28, 2008 I've never really dated before (shy) and have a question about how aggressively to pursue complete strangers online. I'm mid-20s and had a woman contact me first on a [free] dating site because we share hometowns. We got to chatting and things seem to be going well but I know my communication skills are lacking. Because of this I've made it a point to never be the one to drop the conversation and to always try to ask a question and keep things going. However it's happened before with others that eventually they just don't respond to my last message and I take that as a loss of interest and therefore don't ever send anything else. Should I be doing more? Should I send a followup after a week or so? I understand the advice that I have nothing to lose and that I should just be aggressive, but frankly I have real difficulty thinking that way when it's someone I have never met before and am not really sure what my own interest is. I take awhile to really warmup to anyone.
Xecoxity Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Yea I know how you feel am in the exact situation. I am 20 and way to shy so I tried online dating but there is this girl that I really feel I have a connection with but she hasnt replied to my message I feel like she lost interest, or perhaps she doesnt have any interest to begin with. I hope we both may find our answer, just wanted to let you know your not alone.
Adamagnet Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If you don't get their phone number by the fourth or fifth time you've emailed your chances of meeting drop drastically. Even then why would you want to build up an illusion of an individual in your mind? If it wasn't for the fact that women need to assess your level of sanity, I'd ask for their number immediately because their writing style is not necessarily indicative of an equivalent personality.
stefspets Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If I am talking to someone online from a dating site, then I expect them to ask me out pretty quickly (if I don't do it myself, since I tend to be more forward). If that doesn't happen then the communication will stop completely on my part.
carhill Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'm mid-20s and had a woman contact me first on a [free] dating site because we share hometowns. I understand the advice that I have nothing to lose and that I should just be aggressive, but frankly I have real difficulty thinking that way when it's someone I have never met before and am not really sure what my own interest is. I take awhile to really warmup to anyone. So, she was aggressive making first contact. You respond in kind by asking her out. You're on a dating site. It's not exactly a place to look for a bridge partner, right? IMO, if you find you get on well online after one or two chats, then ask for her phone number and call her. Remember, she contacted you first (and even if she didn't, you move things forward).......then see how that goes. Instant intimacy isn't the goal. Meeting other human beings for the purpose of dating and romance is. One step at a time Women aren't aliens, though there are times when my phone rings and it's my wife I wish they were
Tomcat33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 How far do you pursue strangers online? Until they slap a restraining order against you. Just kidding. Look your main goal should be to get off line and into the real world. Pursing someone online is not the bottom line the bottom line is convicincing them to meet you in person after reasonable interaction online so that you don't waste your time chasing after someone who potentially might be a person who does not ineterest you at all once you meet.
Star Gazer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 If I don't sense an imminent request for casual meeting within 3 or 4 emails, I usually stop responding entirely. I don't date online to accumulate multiple pen pals. That's what LS is for. That said, sometimes I read an email and intend to respond but forget. On the few occasions where I've been sent a follow-up email, I've always responded.
Author zhsoj Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Well... That sucks :-/ Though I guess it explains a few things... I really am just missing this whole region of common sense apparently... Hrm... I really hate telephones... Not even Mr. Bell liked the damn things. If I were to rank my communication mediums on comfort level the telephone would be at the bottom. Anyways, thank you all for enlightening this dim-witted explorer.
Phateless Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You need socialization. CL has a section called "activity partners" which is a perfect way to make friends and build a network of people. This will help a lot towards finding a partner.
RichGuy Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Zhsoj, your pussyfoot style is suited for sites like eharmony. In other places like match, you have to be super aggresive, including your phone in the very first email. That's what the other guys are doing, and match girls get tons of new mail everyday. Eharmony is different in that you can't just contact anyone, you have to be matched first, so that cuts down the amount of 'man spam' for eharmony girls.
Author zhsoj Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 @Phateless, So are you saying I shouldn't really be doing online dating? It's not that I don't socialize at all. I am introverted and therefore don't socialize as much as others, but I do have my hobbies. I ride bikes, do photography, hike, etc... Of course these are all pretty solitary activities compared to going to bars, but I am out "there". The women I seem to meet offline however are always married and already with their male activity partners... @RichGuy, Curious you would say that, I was rejected by eHarmony... Probably because I'm not a Christian...
Phateless Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I get that. No I'm not saying you shouldn't be online dating, I'm just saying that I think you would do well to beef up your social intuition, that way you would learn to tell when to pursue and when to back off. The other thing that will help in general with girls: get a makeover. I'm serious. Go to an expensive salon and pick out an attractive girl your age and give her free reign with your hair. Do the same thing at a store like h&m or express and you will be shocked and amazed at the results.
WendE Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 @zhsoj, if you are interested in the person you were chatting with I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a follow-up message saying something like "I know messages can sometimes fall through the cracks. I'd be interested in continuing our conversation if you'd like that too." @richguy, I totally disagree that you have to be super agressive on Match. For me, if I get an intro Match email that includes a phone number that's a huge turn off: 1) because that puts a lot of pressure on my to call and 2) I take it as a sign that the guy only wants to sleep with me but doesn't want a serious relationship. Maybe that's just me, though.
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