Stepping over the boundary of Friends..?

[Chinook]

Okay, I'm away in North America at the moment (I'm from UK). I'm seeing a guy who I previously dated two years ago. We quit back then because my head wasn't straight and I wasn't into it. Now, we both decided to give it a try. Next Sunday he's coming to pick me up from the airport.

 

My problem is, I have a girl-friend (no I'm not gay, but she is). She was coming up to see me next Sunday so we could spend some time before Christmas before I fly out to Canada. In the last year I have known her, we've been pretty good friends and she's happily living with a partner. However it did emerge some time ago that she did have a crush on me. I basically said 'it ain't going to happen, we're friends first but also I ain't gay anyhow' and that was that.

 

Today, she has told me that next weekend when she comes to see me, she would rather that my boyfriend doesn't stay the night because she would feel uncomfortable with it. I have pointed out to her that I think this is not only jealousy but it's unreasonable for her to expect it...!!! What if we were married...?! What if we lived together...?!

 

I feel like she's holding me to ransom and I have said that I haven't asked him to stay next weekend but if he does want to, I am not going to ask him not to do so, I'm simply not prepared to have that conversation with him. She cited that she wants to spend time with me and I pointed out that he does too! Also, she has all day Monday when he's at work and all Monday evening before she has to leave on Tuesday.

 

Can someone tell me whether I'm out of line for not agreeing to her demands...? She has a partner and when I have stayed with them, I have had no problem with her. I just feel my friend is not only out of line, but she's being selfish and unreasonable.

[Geishawhelk]

No, you are not out of line, not at all.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

She's in a relationship with someone else, you are too, and she's asking you, a heterosexual female without any feelings (in that way) towards her whatsoever, to change your behaviour, so that she can feel comfortable....?!??

 

Oh,get outta here!

 

Tell her to get over it.

She's going to have to deal with it.

 

If she feels she can't, or she's going to throw a temperamental hissy-fit while she's there, and be the snubbed prima-donna....

Then she can do the other, and stay where she is.

 

Heck, what kind of a good friend is she, anyway - ?!

[Trialbyfire]

Methinks she's still got a crush on you because she's acting like a jilted lover. I would push her back on this unreasonable request. If anything, suggest that she bring her own lover with her, so she can focus her...energies...on her partner.

[Chinook]

Thanks you guys. I can always rely upon you two to give straight advice.

 

She's since emailed me and says that she realises she is jealous and can I at least just get through this with her on this one. That means can I just on this one occasion at least put my requirements aside and put her first whilst she gets used to P being around.

 

Now, if P and I had been back together for months, I'd be inclined to say 'you know what, okay maybe we can do that this once' and give her the benefit of doubt. However, we only recently started talking and we both realised we had moved on from where we were and we both feel we have a real chance at a good relationship. This was around 1st Dec. That week we didn't see so much of each other... then at the weekend I flew to the USA. When I get back will be a critical stage in our bonding for our new relationship. I don't think it's fair to shut him out at that stage and I don't want to.

 

But even though she's apologised and said she realises she is jealous, she seems to still expect me to capitulate to her demand. I'm not able to do that. As far as I am concerned, friends don't make unreasonable demands of each other. I have replied and told her I'm applying the 24 hour rule at the moment because I'm too angry with the situation to make a coherent response.