thatguy85 Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Hey guys - this is my first post, and the first time I ever felt a need to reach out for serious relationship advice. I hope that I am posting in the right forum and I hope that this message doesn't get too lengthy but I want you all to fully understand my situation. I am engaged to be married in June of this year. I'm a guy whos 23 years old and my fiancee is also 23. We've been engaged since 2007 and have been together for close to 6 years. We've neevr broke up or taken any breaks. Yesterday we had a very serious discussion about whether or not we should still get married and I don't know what to do. Over the years we have became best friends, and we have became very close with each others families. We have both invested a lot into this relationship to the point where we've both grown dependant on each other. Sounds good right? Well heres the problem - her ex. He is a guy whos known her since she was very young and is really her longest tenured friend. He doesn't have many friends or family, and she has always cared about him. They dated for just a few months, which ooccured about 2 years before I ever met her. He is her first love. The major problem is I don't trust him, and I don't trust her with him. Its painful to admit it but its true. Ever since they first broke up hes tried everything in his power to get her back. There was another guy she dated before me who she cheated on with her first love. She has never physically cheated on me with him, but I still don't trust her with him. About a year ago, she was talking to him ALOT and was acting really strange about it. This is what first triggered my trust issue. I went through her e-mails and text messages to discover she was planning on seeing him behind my back. Also in what I discovered was lustful dreams they were having about each other. I gave her the opportunity to come clean with me before I told her what I found and she screamed at me basically saying I had no right to question her and she was very hurt - basically lashing out on me. Once I told her I knew everything she folded and admitted that she was wrong and promised to do whatever it took to keep me. I swear I was going to end our engagement over this but I decided to give her another chance. To this day I check her email and texts when I know she talks to him. She has tried CUTTING HIM OFF all together but the cutoff never lasts more than a few weeks before they are talking again. She doesn't know I still check her emails but she has been evry honest to me ever since last year in what they talk about and such. I decided to give her my trust and let her hang out with him without pitching a fit about it, and the whole time she was gone I was freaking out. I believe nothing happened with them - however the fact that I don't trust her bothers both of us A LOT. Secondly, I work a lot of hours and when I get home I usually just want to relax and watch sports, or sit at my computer and unwind. She wants me to come home with passion and sweep her off her feet and cuddle with her all evening/night long. I just havent been giving her the attention and romance that she wants, which is part of the reason why she likes her ex's attention. I see it as my fault for not giving her what a good woman wants, and that is my full undivided attnetion. If she never wanted my attention I would probably feel dejected. Lastly, most of my friends are still single. I like to go out with them because its a lot of fun, but I'm obviously not there to meet girls. Not that I want to be a dog, but im 23 and I've been with her for 6 years. I've had very little experience outside of her. Just something I've thought about when I go out with my buddies. We spent a lot of time yesterday saying these are firm signs that we are not ready for marriage. I'm not scared to admit that I cried A LOT about this because she is my dream girl. Shes my best friend. I love her family and my family loves her. I want to grow old and have a family with her. If I ever saw her with another guy and I knew I couldn't have her back I'd probably start doing self-destructive acts. The thought of not being with her makes me sick to my stomach. On top of everything... I'm scared that this union might not work, and she feels the same way. We decided not to make any rash decisions yet, but to think about it for a few days first. Guys I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a bad decision. Please help.
quankanne Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 dream girl ... while it sounds really, really sweet, it also seems to me that you're putting your faith into something other than reality, and that's not a good thing. Especially the lack of trust. Unless you do something to resolve it (her go cold turkey quitting the ex and you learning to trust her), marriage will only magnify the problem. maybe it's time to relegate the relationship to just casual dating so that you two resolve your issues? I know it would be hard to downshift, but it could very well be what ultimately strengthens the relationship ...
Author thatguy85 Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 dream girl ... while it sounds really, really sweet, it also seems to me that you're putting your faith into something other than reality, and that's not a good thing. Especially the lack of trust. Unless you do something to resolve it (her go cold turkey quitting the ex and you learning to trust her), marriage will only magnify the problem. maybe it's time to relegate the relationship to just casual dating so that you two resolve your issues? I know it would be hard to downshift, but it could very well be what ultimately strengthens the relationship ... I'm worried that her quitting him cold turkey won't help our issue. The issue is that I don't trust her with him. Shes tried quitting him in the past and I think that even if she did, I'd be be stuck thinking that its only a matter of time before he resurfaces. Also, its still kind of messed up that my lack of trust has to be the downfall of their friendship altogether. Good advice I mean yes it would be hard to downshift but no advice will come without some elimiment of pain and sacrifice.
johnston_girl Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 well. . . i'd just let her know your concerns and if she can't learn to respect them and do what she must to make the relationship work than maybe she isn't the person you should be with. . . . just a thought.
georgejungle Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 I say Don't Get married. It's normal to have doubts about getting hitched, butterflies, it doesn't sound like a good idea when this dude is SOOOO in her life still. It's uncool. Out of respect, since she's an engaged woman, he shouldn't be contacting her...AND out of respect for her committed relationship with you, it's totally uncool, dude. She shouldn't be flirting with this other dude. I just went thru something KINDA similar on the board here, where an Ex of mine was trying to contact me again and seemed like she wanted to start something up again... I told her I was married and left it at that. I Haven't responded again. Because it's not cool to my wife to stay in touch with an Ex, in my opinion. What was in the past should stay in the past. She had her chance. This Ex was my first love too. But I love my wife, i'm married now and committed to her It'd be uncool to try and stay in contact with my Ex, knowing I had feelings for her at one time and that she still does for me, i think. Anyway, if youre girl is acting shady and you don't trust her, it doesn't sound like a good idea to marry her. Especially when youre only 23. I'd say take a break for a while and talk that stuff out. I know it would probably bug you because if you DID take a break, you'd worry she'd go right to her Ex and then he'd have her. But if that happened, it'd suck, but you'd know where her heart really was and what kinda chick she REALLY is and in turn, know that she wasn't the right one. Also, it's a freak out when you have invested so much time in each other and know each other's families and what not, but the length of time doesn't validate anything if the proper respect and communication hasn't been there the whole time. You could be with someone 10 years and be tip toeing around certain things in the relationship because you didn't want to deal with it. What matters in the end is, Is she the right chick for you? Does she repect you? Does she truly love you? Do you wanna get married at 23?
Author thatguy85 Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 I say Don't Get married. It's normal to have doubts about getting hitched, butterflies, it doesn't sound like a good idea when this dude is SOOOO in her life still. It's uncool. Out of respect, since she's an engaged woman, he shouldn't be contacting her...AND out of respect for her committed relationship with you, it's totally uncool, dude. She shouldn't be flirting with this other dude. I just went thru something KINDA similar on the board here, where an Ex of mine was trying to contact me again and seemed like she wanted to start something up again... I told her I was married and left it at that. I Haven't responded again. Because it's not cool to my wife to stay in touch with an Ex, in my opinion. What was in the past should stay in the past. She had her chance. This Ex was my first love too. But I love my wife, i'm married now and committed to her It'd be uncool to try and stay in contact with my Ex, knowing I had feelings for her at one time and that she still does for me, i think. Anyway, if youre girl is acting shady and you don't trust her, it doesn't sound like a good idea to marry her. Especially when youre only 23. I'd say take a break for a while and talk that stuff out. I know it would probably bug you because if you DID take a break, you'd worry she'd go right to her Ex and then he'd have her. But if that happened, it'd suck, but you'd know where her heart really was and what kinda chick she REALLY is and in turn, know that she wasn't the right one. Also, it's a freak out when you have invested so much time in each other and know each other's families and what not, but the length of time doesn't validate anything if the proper respect and communication hasn't been there the whole time. You could be with someone 10 years and be tip toeing around certain things in the relationship because you didn't want to deal with it. What matters in the end is, Is she the right chick for you? Does she repect you? Does she truly love you? Do you wanna get married at 23? Thats a lot man I think you hit the nail on the head. These are basically all my concerns and basically how I feel. It's just a shame though because I REALLY want to be with her its crazy. I've always wanted to be with her ever since we first met, and to think anything different is scary and depressing to me. I think what I'm going to do is try to make it right first, and see what happens. I have some time before June to decide for sure.
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