gd26 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Hi all, I was just hoping to get a bit of support here. It's been over 3.5 months of NC from me. In the beginning I went through denial/anxiety/sadness (at the thought of having lost such a wonderful man). Later that anxiety/sadness started fading, and I started feeling anger at the way he treated me... how he just ran away when things were getting complicated instead of sticking by me. The first 2 months (especially the first month of NC) were really hard. However, by the time 2-2.5 months had passed, I started feeling much better again. I started meeting other men and getting back into the swing of my life. I thought I was feeling great, and getting my witty fun confident self back..... However, in the last week, I seem to have fallen into a depression. I don't know what happened all of a sudden, as I was doing so well. In a way, I think the gravity of the realization that he isn't coming back has started settling in. When I first went NC I did so because he said I was being clingy and that he needed space... so I went NC as a means of trying to get my dignity back. I think on some level I also hoped that he would realize how awesome I was, and how good we were together, as we would talks for hours and hours. However, after 3.5 months NC that hope has begun to fade away as I have started realizing that things may really be over. (He wasn't a bad guy at all. He was a sweetie in many ways, but going through a divorce, and not ready to be with me - though he was the one initially pursuing me. But after I reciprocated feelings, as I really thought he was "the one", then he started getting cold feet and distancing himself from me.) During our last conversation 3.5 months ago, we talked about the possibility of marriage and kids, he seemed fairly receptive to things but not totally enthusiastic, as he said we may have some incompatibilities, which may or may not be able to be worked out... and that I should probably just move on with my life. (I didn't initiate the marriage/kids conversation, as he was the one who brought it up, discussing potential issues which may get between us if we were married. I told him I really liked him and wanted to be with him, though I wouldn't be willing to officially be in a relationship with him until his divorce is finalized early next year.) Although we had a friendly warm conversation, at the end he told me he'd contact me in a month (which was still hard, as we used to talk daily). I started NC then, because I was surprised that he thought I was being clingy, and didn't want to be perceived that way anymore. He wrote me a short email 2 weeks later, but it was just trite (how well his life is doing, how glad he is to have time off dating, and appreciates my support, and that we'd chat later, etc). I never responded to that short email (he didn't ask me anything that needed a response) and he hasn't written back since, which is over 3 months now. I have a feeling he may contact me again someday (as we always had such a good time together), but after 3 months NC from his side, I can't imagine that he really cares about me as anything more than an acquaintance now. Others on this site have suggested that he may have found someone new who is more compatible with him, which is a possible reason why he became distant during the summer, but I'd rather not think about that. Anyways, after doing so well and not contacting him for over 3.5 months, I am starting to feel depressed. I have hardly gotten out of the house in the last 2 days, and have been sitting in bed the most of that time, eating in bed in my pajamas. I know if I keep doing this, I will just pack on weight - so I have to get myself out of the house, to the gym, and just doing fun stuff. I have to complete my school work, as the end-of-term is near, and just need to focus (though the depression is taking away my focus). I was hoping to get to the acceptance stage, as I thought that acceptance would mean that I was again happy with my life and having a great time again being single. However, I think I may be starting to accept that things are over, but instead of the happy acceptance, I am feeling a depressed semi-acceptance. Is this a normal part of the grieving process? I just want to get back to my upbeat self, but right now I have a huge ache in my heart. I feel a lot of grief and a huge longing to be loved again, even though I was recently doing so well....
Mayim Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 3.5 months isn't really that long - 14 weeks? Your life has changed in a huge way - not only is your relationship over but you've kept up NC and you've pushed yourself to go out and meet other people. You should be so proud of yourself - you still are doing well, especially if your sadness hasn't made you break NC. I'm 6 months out. "Happy acceptance" comes and goes for me even now.
kahluakutie Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I think its normal to feel depression setting in this time of year. Especially since your last conversation was about having a future together. Acceptance doesn't always mean happiness. You need to get out and do things that you enjoy, and try to focus on all the good things going on in your life right now.
Author gd26 Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 Thank you for all your kind messages. I just wanted to give a bit of a conclusion to all of this. The last 3 days were really hard for me, as I had totally fallen into a depression. It was a surprise, since I had done so well. In fact, I had spent the last 2 months motivating others to stay strong and value themselves enough to be with people who adore them, and not settle for less. Yet, this week I myself fell into the dumps. I know that I am too strong to stay down any longer. I have hardly eaten anything since yesterday, spend most of my time in bed with my laptop, and didn't even take a shower. I felt so low. Then this afternoon, I went reading his old emails, seeing his pics again, and googling him online to see what he is up to these days (thought I didn't contact him at all, I was just curious). I know I shouldn't have done this, but I missed him. Seeing how gorgeous he looked in his new picture (he's a stunningly attractive man) and seeing all the cool things he was doing, I just broke down in tears. No, he wasn't partying it up or hitting on other women. (He had written some kind and friendly fun messages to others, but nothing particularly flirty to anyone.) In fact, reading some of his messages just reminded me how much I always respected and admired him and what a great human being he is... a truly big-hearted, genuine, special person. I truly love and adore this man with my whole heart. Initially I broke down in tears, praying that someday he would come back to me, as I know that there is no other person in my life I want to be with. I had a very strong urge to write to him telling him how much I missed him, and how I'd even still be willing to be friends with him (even though I am in love). But somehow I stopped myself from emailing, as he had asked for space 3 months ago, and I won't break that now. I won't sacrifice my dignity, as the man of my dreams would never want me to do that. After all of the tears and prayers, I closed his emails and his pictures. I became calm. I decided that instead of being in a depressed state any longer, I would pick myself off the ground. I realized that this depressed crying person is not the kind of girl that he would admire. It's not the kind of person that I admire. In fact, the reason I admire him so much is because he's such a proactive and resilient person, and even though he's had tragedy in his life... he has still stood strong and continued his journey courageously. I want to be like him too. Months ago he became uncomfortable with our dating/friendship because I was too clingy. I never did anything wrong to him per se, but I would get emotional at things that he said/did. I became somewhat emotionally dependent. That pushed him away and that's why he asked for space, as he said I was making him uncomfortable - especially his divorce was still not set. I know it was very hurtful when he walked away from me, though it occured to me today that perhaps his concerns of me being clingy and overly sensitive were valid. I consider myself one of the least drama-free people I know (I am a great girl), but still I know I could still improve myself further. After my experience today, I am picking myself off the ground and will not self-sabotauge further. When I was with him, he motivated me to be the best I could be. I will always love him for that. With his support and encouragement, I lost 20 pounds, got back into eating well and exercising, and became more dedicated to my spiritual growth. Since he is gone, I have been going back to my old ways - but no longer. Me sitting around in depression will never bring him back. I already prayed today to have him back... and whether or not God can actually hear our prayers or not (I don't know), and least I tried. Now it's time for me to take charge, and make myself the best person I can. No more laying around in bed and stuffing my face with chocolate. I am going to be pounding iron on the gym and racing on that treadmill. I am going to be eating healthy food, and cut out all the sugar. I still have a long way to go to get myself in physical shape, but I will get there. I am committed. I am going to get back to my meditation practice every day as well, as he used to always used to encourage me in that direction, and now I will encourage myself. I will clean up this clutter around me (as a result of the depression and apathy), and get more organized and disciplined again. No more cyberstalking him either. Not for a long time anyways. Right now his status page says "single", but it would only hurt me to look at his page a month from now and see "in a relationship". It would only depress me and make me fall off my goals. So I won't check him out again - at least not for several months, until I have solidly become the woman of my own dreams. I am pretty certain he is the man of my dreams, and now I will make myself the woman of both of our dreams. I will not contact him or grovel... I am proud that I have refrained from contacting him for 3.5 months, and I will continue to stay strong. (If he ever writes me in the future, I may consider a short friendly response thanking him for all the inspiration, but nothing more. Not unless he indicates he really misses me and wants to spend time on a regular basis with me.) Instead of waiting around for him, I will better myself through my own actions, so that I can truly be proud of my own self. Maybe if he contacts me again at a later time, he will also be so proud of all that I've accomplished. And let's say the worst occurs, that I make myself into this independent, healthy, fit, confident balanced woman... and then I find out next year that he is in a relationship or married. Yes, that would really hurt, as I feel so strongly that he is my soulmate. But I know that I'll be fine either way. At least I'll be this awesome person... even if I don't have him. Of course I hope with my whole heart that things work out, and I get married to him someday... as I love him most dearly. But regardless, I am going to take care of me now. In case he never gets to see how awesome I turn out, at least I want to make myself and my loved ones proud. Anyways, I am off to the gym now....
sb129 Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Well done gd26... you definitely seem to be approaching things with the right frame of mind. Good luck.
Author gd26 Posted December 10, 2008 Author Posted December 10, 2008 Thank you. I did an incredible amount of soul-searching this weekend. I shed a lot of tears yesterday, and got a lot of the pain out of my system. I am doing much better now, still feeling a bit of sadness, but keeping myself busy at home, talking to family, and taking care of business. I realized that my attitude over the weekend wasn't helping me. In fact, I am not going to continue saying that I love him or that he is my soulmate... those statements are counterproductive. If he was really my soulmate, I don't think he would have run away or rejected me. I don't know if he'll ever come back... and at this moment, I feel like even if he doesn't... I can still live a healthy happy balanced life. I cared about him, but I don't need him anymore. I'm just putting myself first now. It's my time to shine.
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