She's on the rebound...

[thehardestwalk]

Hello to everyone. This is my first post here.

 

I'm a 25 year old guy looking for advice in dealing with my ex and her rebound.

 

I broke up with her 6 weeks ago after a 2 year relationship. She was my first everything. We met at work and we both still work at the same place.

 

Our relationship was great, loving, virtually problem-free. There was talk of marriage, kids, etc. I left her because I was confused about what I wanted as this was my first relationship. Within 2 weeks of calling it off, I realized I had made a mistake and contacted her to reconcile. I bought her a ring to show her that I wanted to make a commitment. She informed that she had already found her rebound 1.5 weeks after the break-up and was sleeping with him. She refused my ring and told me she'd moved on.

 

We are on speaking terms as of the last 2 weeks. It began in a friendly, casual kind of way. We even went on a friendly "date" together. The chemistry was still there. The day after this date, she said she's "more comfortable with me as a friend." I said I was OK with that, as I took this as a good start towards rebuilding our relationship.

 

A few days ago, she surprised me by showing up to a party that I was at. During the course of the evening I made a move to kiss her but she turned me away. OK I thought, too soon. I find out the next day, that she got ****faced and slept with a guy from the party. I was devastated.

 

Throughout this separation, she has been going out and getting plastered regularly. She has slept with at least 2 guys under these circumstances. She says she is constantly miserable and depressed. Her rebound is rarely around and she's always alone. When we talk about us and getting back together she cries and says that she "doesn't know what she wants." She has said that I shouldn't wait for her. She has said she doesn't deserve me and that I should find someone who will treat me better. Friends say she is very confused right now. I have gotten over her initial rejection of me and my ring. I worked my way back as a friend, as someone who cares about her and doesn't want to see her like this. But she is still not ready to take me back and continues to live this lifestyle.

 

My plan now is to just leave her alone. I will see her at work and say "hello" but that is it. The decision is hers, she knows how I feel. Am I doing the right thing?

[UnamedSeven]

Yes you are. Since she sees you as just a friend thats the most you can do. Nothing. She will respect you for not being apart of her problems right now. When you start to notice her feeling better, then things can revert to how they were. Just give it some time.

[thehardestwalk]

Yes you are. Since she sees you as just a friend thats the most you can do. Nothing. She will respect you for not being apart of her problems right now. When you start to notice her feeling better, then things can revert to how they were. Just give it some time.

 

You're right, nothing can replace TIME right now. There has been alot of communication during these 6 weeks in the form of text messages, a few phone calls, encounters at work, etc. Really only a week or two of total silence. When I got over that initial hurt I wanted to establish cordial relations. But I got my hopes up after she started texting me on my days off, and we had those good meetings. Following her latest escapade we met in the parking lot after work for an hour and it was a heartfelt discussion but no change in her statements. I gotta give it more TIME.

[moondogg]

I think u should go nc, the knowledge of her sleeping with all of these guys should be enough of a deterent.

 

It does not seem like she thinks much of you right now.

I think the break up gave her a chance to explore and meet new guys, she knows that when she is done having "fun", you will still be there waiting for her.

 

u have already spoken to her several times and let her know how u feel yet she opnly refused you only after 2 weeks.

 

You need to be strong and go nc right away.........you need to show her that u are the catch and it is her loss.

Just greet her at work, if u do see her, go out oftern,date as many girls as u can and pay little,(betta no contact).

 

She will then realize that u can get betta than her and the thought of losing u will then become unbearable that she will be the one approaching u because she is no longer enjoying all the attention from u.

 

Dont show her how much u care..thats the trick.

 

She is opnly putting u second in her life

[UnamedSeven]

You're right, nothing can replace TIME right now. There has been alot of communication during these 6 weeks in the form of text messages, a few phone calls, encounters at work, etc. Really only a week or two of total silence. When I got over that initial hurt I wanted to establish cordial relations. But I got my hopes up after she started texting me on my days off, and we had those good meetings. Following her latest escapade we met in the parking lot after work for an hour and it was a heartfelt discussion but no change in her statements. I gotta give it more TIME.

To be honest, from what it sound like to me, there is still hope between you and her. Of course, there isn't a guarantee that there is, but its not like you have absolutely no chance. If she thinks that its best for you and her to be just friends, then she will probably mention it. Although, she sounds very fickle, so don't worry about how she feels. Only worry about yourself, for now.

 

Make sure you don't put your life on 'hold' for her, ya know?

[EmperorR]

GO NC, and move on you'l thank yourself. My ex ws the same cheated dumped me a week later with her rebound, let them go.

[thehardestwalk]

When we left off a week ago, she rejected my final plea and it seemed like the only thing to do was move on.

 

Following that conversation Monday night, I began ignoring her. She had Tue-Thurs off from work so I didn't see her. On Wed. she texted me and I ignored it. On Thurs (Thanksgiving) she texted me twice and I waited a while and gave her short one-word replies. Fri. we saw each other at work but I just smiled at her and kept on going. That night she texted me "are you angry at me or something"? To which I simply replied "no." She persisted but I kept giving her short answers. Eventually she asked why I didn't wanna talk to her. I asked her "what is there to talk about, you know how I feel."

 

This lead to her admitting that she "missed me." She went on to say she missed everything about me and was only happy when we were together. I suggested she come over to my place. 10:30 that night, she shows up. We sat on the couch and she asked if I'd take her back. I couldn't resist. Though I was trying to "move on" and actually had a date with another girl that night, I really hadn't gone anywhere. A few days of LC/NC and she couldn't stand it. Plus she suspected I was dating someone else from work.

 

It seems like the more you push, the more they pull away. A little ignorance went a long way in this case.

 

It was a difficult 6 weeks. But it was a learning experience too. After I made my initial attempt to get her back 2-3 weeks in, I should have at that point committed myself to moving on. I could have spared myself some pain and maybe had a little more fun. I was just scared about losing her forever. When I was finally ready to try moving on, was when she came back. She wasn't happy without me (excessive drinking) nor was I without her. I'm happy now that she come to her senses and that we are giving it another shot.

 

Thanks for the feedback and advice, I appreciate it.

[cherryade]

Good Luck xxx

[thehardestwalk]

Well, as of Monday Dec. 1st we're done, again. This time it lasted a whole 3 days.

 

The first 2 days were nice. It seemed like things were on the right track.

 

By day 3, I could sense some distance on her part. She seemed unhappy so I asked her what it was about.

 

She said it felt "weird" being back with me and that she was unhappy again. She claims to have been happy the first two days but then unhappy by the third day! She still can't get over the breakup and the arguments we had. She can't trust me that I won't breakup with her again down the road. This despite the fact I bought her a ring to show my commitment. Despite giving her a chance following her weeks of reckless drinking and sex. Once again she said "I'm confused, I don't know what I want."

 

I asked her then why did she come over to my place that night and ask me to take her back? She admitted to being lonely and jealous that I might be seeing someone else. The night of our "reconciliation" she told me that she missed me, she loved me, that its great to be back. There was plenty of sex too. Now 3 days later, I'm out in the cold again.

 

I told her that now I am done. That this relationship is over. That I can't be with someone who cares so little about my feelings. That she could make a snap judgment like that out of momentary jealousy and play with my emotions. After all I did to try to make it right, that she could pull the rug out from under me like this. I said that I now need to move on with my life and that I might not (probably won't) be there for her again. I can't believe it ended like that. This girl has serious issues.

[BackonTrack2]

damn dude, your still in love. my heart goes out to you.

your girl also sounds immature and doesn't know what she wants. for one reason or another, you could be the best guy in the world, but she doesn't realize because she hasn't explored and she's not happy but she doesn't know what it is. something is missing from her.

 

its sad that you two work together, thats just going to make it harder on you.

when you see her at work, keep it professonal, dont' ask questions. let her come to you

 

females are funny, the more you pull away, the more they come closer. good luck to you, your si tutation doesn't look good, espcially since you are still blindly inlove with her, you really need to go NC

 

the girl is using you for sex and comfort, your familar, she doesn't have anyone else, the moment she finds that someone else, your toast.

 

its over, cut your losses before you get hurt and destroyed.

 

I know I have not offered much advice, but it sounds like your still trying to figure out whats wrong with her, you can't. go NC, stay that way until she makes a half hearted attempt to contact you. the days ahead are ruff, but you can do it, best if you find someone else to occupy your time.

[CaliGuy]

It seems like the more you push, the more they pull away. A little ignorance went a long way in this case.

 

It takes most people years and years to figure this out. Good job!

 

I'm happy now that she come to her senses and that we are giving it another shot.

 

Word of caution. Don't be in a big hurry to pick up where you left off lest you end up in the same position a few months from now.

 

Take it slow.

Be friends.

Don't get in a hurry for anything.

 

(And make sure she gets tested for STDs, bro. You don't want anyone else's "luggage")....

[thehardestwalk]

I am done with this woman. I havent contacted her since Monday and I dont plan to. I am trying to forget her and move on to something else. Its tough though because everything reminds me of her. Plus I get to see her at work. I tense up when I see her talking to another guy, even though I shouldn't care. My revenge will be getting over her and being happy. It would be nice though to start dating another chick in the store just for that added impact.

 

I really didnt know how ****ed up women can be until this experience. Even the ones you think are "different from other girls" can surprise you.

 

Thanks again for the advice and feedback.

[Dlyrica]

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

 

Have you thought about maybe finding another job or the same job at a different location? I could not imagine having to work with my ex.

 

Good Luck.

[silentcharon]

Dude.... why are you guys dumping it on the girl? The poster was the one who dumped her in the first place, because he wasn't "sure". It's a cop out people use.

 

I don't blame her for having issues in the first place.

 

"That I can't be with someone who cares so little about my feelings," this is coming from a dumper who came back, fully aware of her flings when she was *single*, when you "took her back for a second chance".

 

[thehardestwalk]

Dude.... why are you guys dumping it on the girl? The poster was the one who dumped her in the first place, because he wasn't "sure". It's a cop out people use.

 

I don't blame her for having issues in the first place.

 

"That I can't be with someone who cares so little about my feelings," this is coming from a dumper who came back, fully aware of her flings when she was *single*, when you "took her back for a second chance".

 

 

I don't really understand your point here. I was going through some difficult emotional times when I dumped her and I thought it was the change I needed. You would think as a reasonable person that if the guy who dumped you realized his error in a timely fashion (less than 2 weeks) and tried to win you back with a strong commitment (ring) that she would at least wanna talk about it. Not engage in a string of drunken nights and random affairs to only rip your heart out by "coming back" under false pretenses. It's not like I cheated on her, hit her, stood her up at the altar, etc. I broke up with her plain and simple. Shes done far more ****ed up stuff to me since then.

[justaman99]

I don't really understand your point here. I was going through some difficult emotional times when I dumped her and I thought it was the change I needed. You would think as a reasonable person that if the guy who dumped you realized his error in a timely fashion (less than 2 weeks) and tried to win you back with a strong commitment (ring) that she would at least wanna talk about it. Not engage in a string of drunken nights and random affairs to only rip your heart out by "coming back" under false pretenses.

 

I'm not a woman and every person is different but all I can say that some women in my past and in my life have done just this after a break up. Some isolate themselves, some NEED to feel that they are still attractive more so now than ever, that men desire them, and in some cases **** some other guy. Maybe she just wants to have some fun, who knows. Whatever the reason it's none of your business. She can do what she pleases because you two are not together by your choice.

 

 

 

 

 

It's not like I cheated on her, hit her, stood her up at the altar, etc. I broke up with her plain and simple. Shes done far more ****ed up stuff to me since then.

 

What kind of **** and then why would you want to be with her if she's done all these ****ed up things to you?

[timvand]

Yes, definitely leave her alone for the time being... it'd be good for you to take some time to really figure out if you want to be with her or not as well.