Dmoney28 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hello everyone on LS. I am wondering how or whats steps i can take to begin earning back trust. I cheated (yes, i know THE WORST act of betrayl), and trust me, i have a ulcer and chronic insomina to remind me of my guilt. 4 years together...I'm 29 and she is 27. She dumped me and rightfully so. After 3 months of weekly Psycholgist sessions, support group meetings, church services and weekends of self help book reading i have found the underlying issues that led me to my actions ( selfishness, low self exteem and psychological issues). I made a vow of no sex until i get into a commited relationship...and have stuck with it. I am continuing my professional help and I actually turned my life around for the positive 180. Everyone i know says how proud they are of me becoming a better person and taking care of my life. Its like a shroud of guilt and shame has been lifted. I honestly feel quite proud of myself for the turn around. My ex has kept in contact with me since the break up. After the first 2 weeks of apologizing, explaining my actions, begging and pleading i gave her space by not contacting her. I accpeted the break up. over the last 3 months she kept contacting me. First it was to resolve her issues with me cheating. I answered all her questions of "why"?, "how could I"? "Did you ever love me?". Then weeks later it was txt's, emails and calls expressing her anger ..."im still angry with you", "i will never trust you again", "why did you cause this nightmare", "why did you drag me into this hell"..."What a slap in the face you moved on, while im still hurting like this"(after she checked my myspace page)....i agreed with her on everything, did'nt argue with her, just let her get it all out. Then the calls and txt's were more postive. She expressed she missed me, and that she didnt hate me. "i dont know why i still talk to you, after what you did", "i miss you , and this break up still seems so surreal". " i still have love for you in my heart, even though what you did was sick and twisted". She checks my myspace and pics regurally, and says she happy that i recconected with my family and friends. How happy she is that i got help with my issues. But she keeps finding ways to keep in contact with me over the silliest reason's "how do i get my computer to work", "im going to the dentist today, you shoud get your teeth fixed", i thought about you when X happned", "does it still feel weird not being together anymore"...all these openers turn into conversations like when we were together. I asked her if us talking is a problem, she says "no, no its not a problem, i just realized now how easily we got along when were together....despite what you hid". Honeslty im not sure whats going on. I know she is still pissed off, god knows how long before the hurt will ease, if it ever does. Not sure if she wants to work at starting over. But i love her and i want to show her how sorry and remorseful i am. I know its a long shot, but im willing to try no matter what. My question is, how can start earning back her trust. I know its a long process. But what are some good ways to star?t...to show im willing to work and work hard at getting that trust back?
Angel1111 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Hi, again. I responded to your other post, too. But, yes, these are good questions. I think the main thing is to be an open book to her. Don't ever get dodgy or nervous when she asks you a simple question. Be forthcoming with what you're doing before she even has to ask. Be understanding that really not that much time has passed and it really does take about 2 yrs to fully get past the pain. Not to say that it'll be 2 yrs of hell, but it means that it takes that long to heal. If you really want her back, then you need to be willing to help her heal. I'm sure you've said all the right things to her - that you're sorry, etc. - but if you make any promises to her, you'll need to keep them and never break them. This was a huge betrayal and it is a huge thing to mend. I've heard people say that their relationship is stronger after something like this but I think that only happens when the person who broke the trust is completely upfront and honest from that point forward. And if there were problems in the relationship, each of you have to be honest about that. The marriagebuilders.com website is a good one - even though you're not married. It talks in-depth about recovering from an affair and I strongly recommend that you go there because you'll get excellent answers.
Reggie Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I think all you can do is keep up what you aredoing. Continue counseling, tell her anything she wants to know about the cheating smd be open and honest. I've read that 2 years is about the minimum time it takes to heal somewhat. Stuff I've read says 2-5 years if you really work at it. Good luck.
Owl Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Show her that you've changed....don't tell her. If things between you start to progress towards resuming the relationship...start VOLUNTEERING to be that "open book" that Angel suggested. Give her (without waiting to be asked) access to your email, cell phone, IM sessions, etc... Make it clear that you have nothing to hide, that you don't WANT to be able to hide things from here anymore. And...express that remorse to her that you're feeling. Let her SEE that you "get it".
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 wow, awesome advice guys, and thanks again angel111 your input is always valued. Im going to check marriagebuilders.com when i get home. I know its going to take alot of time, and i would wait 2 years if not longer for her. I dont want to hide anything from her anymore. Honestly holding all those secrets and telling lies made my life a living hell. I dont want to ever go back to that nightmare. So i will do everything within my power to be a "open book"
DealingWDrama Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 There is a book I would like to suggest to you - it's called : The Five Languages of Apology, how to promote healing in all of your relationships. It is by Gary Smalley - he is also the author of The 5 love languages. My H had an A and is reading and implying the lessons learned in both of these books. On another note - if she wishes to begin a new relationship with you...give her access to all of your passwords...myspace, email, ect...your phone pin....whatever she wants. Trust is earne and it takes time, but if you are willing to put the time and effort into it, it will work.
BentSpine Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 I doubt that is was out of selfishness that you cheated. A selfish person doesn't take the blame as readily as you have done. Could the real reason that you cheated be that you have a sexual need while at the same time you're trying to be accepted by an environment that doesn't look favourably on this need of yours? Could it be that opportunity presented itself, and like an oasis you quenched the thirst that you had tried to supress? If the above is true then you're in the wrong environment despite your wish for it to be otherwise.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 9, 2008 Author Posted November 9, 2008 i had a question, and obviously im not too bright, the very reason why im in this situation. So if this question sounds stupid, LS friends please forgive me. Got back from my sisters weeding reception, so im REALLY feeling a bizzare mixture of joy for my kid sister.... and nostalgic saddness for missing my ex alot.add, and im buzzed...ok, a bit drunk. BTW, i am doing everything humanly possible show her im accepting responsibity for my behaviour, and i am actuaally getting better (she checks my myspace regurally). But i think most importantly i want her to feel better and be happy again, so i try and do things and say things to make her smile more. Without being pushy or over stepping her boundaries. And i know alot of people post strct NC and never try to be friends with your ex, because she'll keep you around til she finds better. But the funny thing is i dont care...i'm willing to take that risk. And if she decides she has to move on...i just want her to be happy....and then i'll pick up my emotions and move on. I learned in church 1 cor 3:5.."love does not behave indecently, does not look for its own intrests and does notbecome provoked..... verse 7 "it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I'm willing to ride this emotional rollercoaster til she's and i are healed enough to get off. Were both alone most of the time and lonely. Her friends are really busy and her roommate just moved out....and i dont really have many friends, had to cut alot of them off to make positive changes i my life. ( they were heavy drug users, alcholics and didnt have many goals in life) My ex has not forgiven me for what i did yet(not sure when either)...and i totally understand why. We ahve almost daily contact through calls txts, and emails. But She also got really upset and cried when i asked whats going to happen when we both eventually have to move on?(stupid ass question i asked...im still kicking myself for saying that)....but i apologized and sent her favorite movie line i recorded on my cell....she laughed. But she says she wants to keep communication open and keep us friendly........what does this mean exactly? She keeps asking me "am i really remorseful for what i did?" Is this part of that long process of healing you guys and Angel111 talked about in earlier post? I want her to be happy....but i know its not healthy to hold to false hope in my heart.....sorry for the long and confusing post....just really hurting, really confused and at this time getting really smashed.
LakesideDream Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 i had a question, and obviously im not too bright, the very reason why im in this situation. So if this question sounds stupid, LS friends please forgive me. Got back from my sisters weeding reception, so im REALLY feeling a bizzare mixture of joy for my kid sister.... and nostalgic saddness for missing my ex alot.add, and im buzzed...ok, a bit drunk. BTW, i am doing everything humanly possible show her im accepting responsibity for my behaviour, and i am actuaally getting better (she checks my myspace regurally). But i think most importantly i want her to feel better and be happy again, so i try and do things and say things to make her smile more. Without being pushy or over stepping her boundaries. And i know alot of people post strct NC and never try to be friends with your ex, because she'll keep you around til she finds better. But the funny thing is i dont care...i'm willing to take that risk. And if she decides she has to move on...i just want her to be happy....and then i'll pick up my emotions and move on. I learned in church 1 cor 3:5.."love does not behave indecently, does not look for its own intrests and does notbecome provoked..... verse 7 "it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I'm willing to ride this emotional rollercoaster til she's and i are healed enough to get off. Were both alone most of the time and lonely. Her friends are really busy and her roommate just moved out....and i dont really have many friends, had to cut alot of them off to make positive changes i my life. ( they were heavy drug users, alcholics and didnt have many goals in life) My ex has not forgiven me for what i did yet(not sure when either)...and i totally understand why. We ahve almost daily contact through calls txts, and emails. But She also got really upset and cried when i asked whats going to happen when we both eventually have to move on?(stupid ass question i asked...im still kicking myself for saying that)....but i apologized and sent her favorite movie line i recorded on my cell....she laughed. But she says she wants to keep communication open and keep us friendly........what does this mean exactly? She keeps asking me "am i really remorseful for what i did?" Is this part of that long process of healing you guys and Angel111 talked about in earlier post? I want her to be happy....but i know its not healthy to hold to false hope in my heart.....sorry for the long and confusing post....just really hurting, really confused and at this time getting really smashed. Dmoney, The changes you have made in your life are great. Problem is they are all "new changes" and not a part of you yet. It takes a long time for all your efforts to take hold and become part of your permenant behavior. Some of the changes never will. The only change that really matters is your emotional change. Once you come to grips with your life and your loss you will either become fully aware of what you have done, and feel true regret or you won't. If you come to grips with your responsibility, and with the reality that she may never trust you enough to be with you, you may begin to heal. The healing is important. Whether she decides to return or not is not the most important thing. Once you know that you are on your way.
Angel1111 Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 I don't think there's anything unhealthy about holding hope in your heart. Whether that hope is false or not - who knows. If she had really written you off, I think you'd know it. And I don't think she'd want to keep the lines of communication open if she had. In this situation, NC is total nonsense. She needs closure, she needs to know that she's lovable and valued. It says a lot to her that you're there for her now. You want answers but you're not going to get them anytime soon. Let things happen and see where it takes you. That's pretty much all you can do. It would be my guess that she doesn't know what she wants right now either. She probably wants to be with you but she's gun-shy and needs to know that she can trust you. Stop trying to predict the end result and just go with your heart for now.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Posted November 10, 2008 thank you lakeside for giving me perspective on the issue. I really do value what you said. Angel111 once again you arrived in time to give me much needed advice. I have to wait....thats all i can do. All i know is cheting is the worst thing. The betrayal and hurt it causes to your loved one is shameful. So far i caused this beautiful women 3 months of heartache, sleepless nights and sorrow. And for that i respect any choice she makes...and will wait however long for that choice.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 My question is, how can start earning back her trust. I know its a long process. But what are some good ways to star?t...to show im willing to work and work hard at getting that trust back? You'll never get her trust back to 100%. She may come to trust you a little, maybe for the most part. But she will always, from this day forward, be suspicious of you and will watch you like a hawk. What kind of life is that for her?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 But she says she wants to keep communication open and keep us friendly........what does this mean exactly? She keeps asking me "am i really remorseful for what i did?" She is doing all these things in desperation. She is still hurting. She is probably scared of getting out there and finding another man, so she is trying to find whatever excuse she can to justify being with you, however irrational her thought process may be at this point and time.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 This is more of a needing to talk and slight update, than a question. And I cant imagine the pain she must be going through, unless you go through it no one can 100% relate. And As angel111 brought out, all i can do is wait this out. But she sent me a very heart breaking e-mail. She was saying how she has NEVER felt this lonely and sad, she worries so much about her house. Her roommate just moved out and she is tsken it very hard. Friends far are far to busy with work. And honeslty im still awake at night worried about how to help her. People say the person who cheateing is selfish, only caring about there immediate gratification. This is true. But im no longer a cheater, if you believe it or not....this kind of pain is a clear reason why not to do it ever in the first place. I know in my heart this aftermath of pain, confusion, self doubt and loss of trust is the biggest reason not to let even the fentertain an idea of disloyalty Im lonely...only because i brought thst upon myslef...but she is lonely because of what i unjustly caused her. And im not ashamed to say it, im crying while writing this e-mail...because she alone and in pain because of what i caused...and she is not deservent of this situation. Another nightless sleep for me, and it is deserved. A selfish desire towards another....led to this. A simple "no thanks im in a commited relationship", would have prevented all this. What a great gift "love" is, The only emotion that is bestowed us...and no other life form on this planet .....how it can be comprimised, and taken for granted, Destroyed and tainted. Right now i just dont no what i can do for her iemotionally in this situation. I post in Craislist missing connection section (past 2 months...leaving twice a week a unmarked message for her, to find)... in it these messages i tell of how i wonder how she is doing through the day?, her value as a person, the sorrow i have for her pain i caused . She looks for them everday , and sends replies about what they mean to her and thank you. I know this only a small thing...buts its all i can do without disrespect her set boundaries, because we are not physically together. Just clueless on how else i can help with her lonliness and pain she keeps mentioning? sorry guys, i know i know this is problly trival and stupid. I just hate i caused all this emotional stress on her. Yes Dexter i know...."just leave her alone and move on"...but we care too much for EACH other...were still frinedly and communicate and the hope in my heart is still there....but its taking a far back seek to more pressing issues with her feelings..........any advice is much wanted
Angel1111 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I did this once myself - I was in my early 20's and I wanted out of my marriage. Not only that, I wanted out of the cultish religion we were in. This was a BIG problem. If I left the religion, my entire family would disown me. Not to mention all of my friends. So, the only thing I could think of - based on the "rules" of the religion - was to cheat on my husband. I figured he wouldn't forgive me, we would divorce, and I would pretend I was sorry so that I could somewhat dance around the edges of the religion and be in it marginally for the sake of my family. Yes, this was a ridiculous situation and I was trying everything I could do to keep my family with me. So I cheated and as soon as I did this, I hated the way it made me feel. Then my husband did the unthinkable and forgave me. But he was so hurt that it blew my mind. I suppose I was just too young and naive to understand what I had done because I was completely taken back at causing that kind of pain to another person. What a great plan, huh? I ended up losing my family and friends anyway because I couldn't stay in the religion, but I never cheated on a spouse again because I never forgot the pain I caused. I think all the advice about walking away from this are wrong simply because, if nothing else, it will your gf her self-esteem back if you give her the ability to discuss this with you, to vent, and be the one to make the decision about whether the two of you stay together or not. I do agree that it takes a long time to get trust back but it can be done and she won't always distrust you. Even if she becomes suspicious again, all you have to say is, "Hon, I will NEVER forget the pain I caused you and that alone would stop me from doing anything like that again if it ever crossed my mind for a split second." The main reason people can't rebuld trust is because the person who destroyed the trust doesn't fully come around to being trustworthy again. I don't think you fit that category. You can both come out of this whole again but, as you know, it does take time. And I think she deserves that time, whether it's fun or not. I'm a little confused about her house situation - did you live with her before the two of you broke up? If not, I don't see how this is your fault that her roommate moved out. But whatever the case is, call her up (don't text or email - you need to have a live conversation) and ask her if she'd like to go out with you one night soon. If she declines, then ask her what you can do to help her. If she says there's nothing you can do, let her know in absolute terms that your door is always open to her. If she does agree to meet you somewhere, ask her then if there's any way you can help her. Whether you can actually do anything or not, it will make her feel so much better to know that you're there for her. This will mean the world to her. There is a website for getting roomates - I think it's called roommates.com, or something like that. The only thing is, she may want to run a police report on them before letting them move in. Maybe you can research the site and let her know about it, and offer to pay for the report, if you want to do that. Hope this helps. Hang in there, sweetie.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 i called her up. She said she isnt quite ready to meet again yet, but she will let me know. I told her, if there is anything i can do to help....just let let me know. She said "thanks, i appretitate it". we discussed our student loans situations, and once again i told her im there for her. So time will tell i guess......and i will patiently wait.
Owl Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Perhaps work on rebuilding your FRIENDSHIP with her before you worry about rebuilding any deeper relationship? Just try to be her FRIEND again for now...see what happens from there?
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 you have a very good point Owl, Friendship is what we need right now. Its difficult balancing friendship, with a romantic past. But whatever she wants from me, is best for her to heal.
Angel1111 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 i called her up. She said she isnt quite ready to meet again yet, but she will let me know. I told her, if there is anything i can do to help....just let let me know. She said "thanks, i appretitate it". we discussed our student loans situations, and once again i told her im there for her. So time will tell i guess......and i will patiently wait. Good for you! I'm sure that didn't make you feel very good to hear her say what she did but she will be thinking about your offer for the next several days and will feel good that you made the offer. I know it's hard to stick your neck out like that. She also knows it was hard for you and will be impressed that you took the risk.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Thanks again angel. i put myself out there, so im hoping it makes her feel a little better. I cant imagine the pain she is going through. Its so tragic that i had to learn this life lesson this way. Putting someone through this and breaking thier trust is the worst feeling. I can never do this to anyone ever again...ever.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 had a little bit of a situation last night. She sent me this really emotional poem about how i hurt her, laughed behind her back, and made a fool of her, for my cheating. Unfortuantly i had a bit too much wine last night when i read it. And did something VERY stupid. Went to her hoouse, and apologized for what i did to her and our relationship...she said "ok i understand , you scared me, its very late"...i apologized and left........not sure if i can fix this...just got emotional when she described her pain...god did i screw up.....advice needed please..if its not too late
Angel1111 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I don't think you screwed up. Instead, I think you really got your point across - you're sorry. I think she gets it now. Don't sweat it. She'll probably giggle about it all day today thinking how charming it really was. However, having said all that, I think it was pretty much uncalled for that she sent the poem. You have done a lot to make up for this. Not saying you should get mad about it because she is still going through a lot, but there needs to be a limit as to how much you have to listen to - particularly if she continues to be unsure about you, or even seeing you again. I guess all I'm saying is that she needs to recognize at some point that she has beat this in the ground enough and, unless the two of you get back together again, then she's just using you as her garbage dump. Unfortunately, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs. But, for now, I still suggest leaving it alone and see where it goes. You did fine. Don't worry about it.
Angel1111 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 ...and btw, did you really laugh behind her back, or is that just her interpretation?
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Thanks angel1111.......it was a interpratation. I wouldnt ever laugh behind her back. And you're right, i have to just back away, and leave her to herself.
Angel1111 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Thanks angel1111.......it was a interpratation. I wouldnt ever laugh behind her back. And you're right, i have to just back away, and leave her to herself. Of course, do what feels right to you but I didn't exactly mean to back away. It's a little bit of a fine balance but I think it's important for you to be aware that just because you screwed up doesn't mean she has a right to an endless onslaught of guilt-provoking letters and comments - particularly if she continues to shown no sign of forgiveness or desire for reconciliation. You're giving her an opportunity for closure, if nothing else. She needs to recognize it for what it is. It does have a shelf life and isn't something that can go on forever. Hope that makes sense.
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