My husband has refrained from being intimate with me

[Cassandra1]

:(hi,

 

I have a problem. Is it normal for a newly wed couple like myself to not have sex for a little over a month. I am expressed my concerns with my husband and he gives me the same old answer and that is that he is too tired. He plays hockey 3 times a week and when he isn't playing hockey, he says he is tired and after hockey, he says he is too tired.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and I don't understand what is wrong. If he would put aside time to be intimate with me than I wouldn't be worried. I mean, even if it was just once every two weeks, I wouldn't mind because I am not too sexual of a person, but what really upset me was I have been complaining to him about this and I feel totally stupid and cheap... like some crazy over sexed woman but I am not because I never was so concerned about sex before but because he has stopped it completely with me has me worried.

 

When he does play hockey he comes home late and I am asleep when he does get home. I don't want to complain about this anymore.

 

Tonight when I brought up the topic again, he finally got mad and said you're such a skank! I was so hurt. I know he didn't mean that because he said he was just annoyed but now he really made me feel like I can never again ask him about this issue because I know what a skank is...

 

Could someone please help. Feeling so sad and unloved.

 

Cassandra

[Ocean-Blue]

Does he have any health issues going on?

 

I'm sorry he called you a skank. He's a jerk for doing that! You have every right to want to make love to your husband - hell, it's one of the things that makes a marriage (for most, anyway).

 

Perhaps you need to take a different approach? Communicating hasn't helped...maybe you need to take matters into your own hands? What does he like? What has he responded to, sexually speaking, in the past?

[Cassandra1]

I don't know if he does or not..or if he is just lying to me about it to avoid being intimate with me. When I tell him to see a doctor, he refuses to.

 

Just don't know what to do.

 

Do men punish women by withholding sex from them?

[Art_Critic]

he finally got mad and said you're such a skank!

 

Time for a coming to Jesus meeting...

 

There is more going on here than just him not wanting sex because he is tired..The sex isn't really the big issue

 

There is absolutely ZERO reason to name call your SO.. let alone call your wife a skank.

 

I very rarely ever say this but honestly if he is resorting to calling his wife.. the love of his life a skank then I think you need to rethink this relationship and possibly consider kicking his ass out..

 

Staying in a relationship that bears this type of disrespect is only going to cost you your self esteem and self confidence..

 

What jerk...

If you stay then you need to ge both of your butts in front of a marriage counselor and hopefully one that is able to deal with this type of issue...

[Ocean-Blue]

I don't know that they knowingly do it, Cassandra, but it does happen.

 

My bf and I had issues with this a while ago. In some ways, we still do. It's taken a lot out of me, TBH. I felt like crap and questioned my sexiness. I felt very unwanted and unattractive. I even went as far as comparing myself to his exes. Objectively, I knew I was hotter (based on pics), but subjectively, I felt they had something I didn't... Anyway, it took a lot of going back and forth till he relented and told me what was up.

 

Our problems were more psychological. He began to withdraw because of other issues we were facing. He eventually told me how he felt and I tried to correct it. We still argue about this from time to time.

 

It could be that your H is dealing with issues related to you. Or maybe it has nothing to do with you. Either way, you are in the dark. You need to figure out a way to get to him. If all else fails, there's always therapy, right?

[Ocean-Blue]

Time for a coming to Jesus meeting...

 

There is more going on here than just him not wanting sex because he is tired..The sex isn't really the big issue

 

There is absolutely ZERO reason to name call your SO.. let alone call your wife a skank.

 

I very rarely ever say this but honestly if he is resorting to calling his wife.. the love of his life a skank then I think you need to rethink this relationship and possibly consider kicking his ass out..

 

Staying in a relationship that bears this type of disrespect is only going to cost you your self esteem and self confidence..

 

What jerk...

If you stay then you need to ge both of your butts in front of a marriage counselor and hopefully one that is able to deal with this type of issue...

 

You are totally right, Art!

[Cassandra1]

thanks for your replies. I do appreciate it.

 

My husband was the first man I had ever seriously been with. I was a virgin when I met him and he knows that..

 

Right now, I do feel very sad and very depressed. I am not overweight. I am petite and slender and I know for a fact and other ppl have told me that I am quite attractive. I just feel like maybe this marriage isn't what it was supposed to be.

 

Its true Art, that he has no respect for me and to have the nerve to call me that, truely hurts.

 

I don't know if he resents me for something or I am just pressuring him too much to do something so normal, that it's really angering him.

 

As I am writing this, my eyes are filled with tears because I feel so upset and so bitter at the same time.

 

I just hope this marriage can work itself out. I truly don't know if it would last since we are having issues already.

[Art_Critic]

You have to hash this out.. without yelling and name calling..

 

If you ( or him ) can't talk about the most basic issues of respect and hurt feelings without anger then take the fight to an uninterested third party.. a counselor..

 

Try not to let this one just lie there hoping it'll pass.. while it may be true that the anger over this incident may pass with time the resentment will remain and the disrespect he has shown you will also continue to fester.

 

Do you have medical insurance that can provide a set of sessions in front of a Marriage counselor ?

 

You both love one another enough to have gotten married so it seems to me that it won't take much to get you both back on track...

 

Good Luck

[carhill]

Do men punish women by withholding sex from them?

 

Sometimes, perhaps; also, absent medical issues, psychological stress can cause a man to be distant sexually. It is only rarely IMO that a man will distance himself sexually from a woman he is otherwise attracted to. Those instances might involve serious marital issues or could be because he's being unfaithful.

 

Does your H show non-sexual physical affection to you? Hugs, kisses, touching, etc?

 

How long have you been married? Together?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe he is resentful toward you because of the whole Penthouse thing. Perhaps he feels you are too controlling or is frustrated with you, and is shutting you out as a result.

[Cassandra1]

I am always trying to be the best wife I can. I cook, clean do his laundry, buy him clothes and still not good enough I feel.

 

Maybe he married me out of convenience and it was never meant to be.

[Cassandra1]

And no.... he never hugs me, cuddles me in bed, holds me or show me any affection on a normal everyday basis even when he seems to be in a normal mood.

 

That is why I get anxious and feel so empty inside because those are the things that make me happy. A relationship where I can trust and love and feel loved is what I need.

 

I hope I didn't make the mistake of marrying him and now I only find myself feeling so alone in this marriage.

 

If he does stray and he does want to be with someone else because I just don't do it for him, then I guess this marriage is doomed.

[stayin' alive]

First things first Cassandra1...you have done NOTHING to deserve this. He is your husband. If he doesn't want to have sex, because he is tired, then that is fine...once in a while. A marriage is about two people, not one. If he isn't even willing to try to deal with this, then I don't know what to say. It is not that I advocate divorce, but when one person has essentially "checked out" of the marriage, then what alternative do you have? You are a human being with desires and needs. You are a skank? HAHAHAHAHA. I am not making light, but that is absolutely ridiculous. It is patently absurd that he even says that. In your heart of hearts, what do you think the problem is? Please don't focus on you, and perhaps your insecurities when really trying to face this. Wanting to have sex and affection from the person you hold most dear is absolutely NORMAL. In the places that you fear to go...what do you honestly think the problem is, because I am pretty much convinced just from reading what you said, that it's his "s*&^. It seems like he is a "deflector"...puttin his bs on you.

[mark982]

are you sure he's not gay? and just married you to hide the fact.

[stayin' alive]

mark982...i wouldn't find that shocking. However, Cassandra1, that is ZERO reflection on you. What do you want out of life...outside of him? Have you thought about this? His feelings are not a reflection on you. Please know this. You cannot control what someone else does or feels. You are the master of your own life. Please know this.

[Lucky_One]

You have been together for 8 years, and have only had one sexual partner. You talk about "dressing up" for him.

 

How was the sex prior to marriage?

Is "dress up" play typical of a sexual session, or is it a fun extra every now and then?

Has his attitude towards you and sex happened since you confronted him over reading Penthouse?

Has your attitude towards him changed since you found his Penthouses?

[Cassandra1]

Thank you all for posting a reply to my situation. Thinking back to when we were dating, our sex life was pretty frequent. It wasn't until he moved out and on his own (not living with his roommate, who by the way is quite attractive) that he slowly didn't have sex with me as much.

 

I remember him having sex with me alot when he was still living with his roommate. I haven't changed, I do look the same as I did a few years ago. I am older now and well, my husband and I both are.

 

The other thing I noticed was that because he doesn't have alot of friends....I noticed that he likes to socialize with men who are single. He doesn't like to talk or socialize with men who are married for some reason even though he is married himself now with me.

 

I met an older man who is his coworker and immediately I could tell that the man was gay. He was an older man, talks alot and is single in his 50's.

 

My husband used to talk about this man before and I didn't think much about this because he was a coworker, but when I finally met him he didn't bother looking at me, he ignored me like I didn't exist the whole time my husband, him and I had lunch. I tried to talk but he talked over me and continued looking and talking to my husband the entire time we were at the cafe.

 

I found that really odd. A grown man in his 50's, who had the mannerisms of a gay man... please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people. I just suspect that maybe my husband is bisexual. I don't know where I am going with this but I just feel it you know.

 

Lastnight, we got into a heated argument because I was trying to tease him by showing him some lingerie that I had bought recently... but I couldn't wear for him lastnight because I have my period... So when I asked him if I could give him a massage.. he says no! I don't feel like one right now. So I was starting to feel really frustrated. I know he has been extremely busy at work and he says he isn't in the mood, but I told him it would relax him and besides its the weekend right? I don't know what got into me, but I got so frustrated and upset and felt so rejected..

 

Clearly, he didn't want me to touch him, probably scared that it would lead to me doing something for him....and he was totally not wanting it.

 

He made me cry myself to sleep and I felt so dirty like I was some cheap whore who is sex starved. He made me feel like that is all I have on my mind now... and its not. I just want him to love me.

 

He did say one thing to me that maybe the reason why he isn't sleeping with me, and its because he said I questioned his sexuality awhile ago and surprisingly he wasn't mad at me when I questioned him nor did he say anything to me to reassure that he isn't gay... He just avoided it until he said oh of all people, I am one man who loves women..

 

Sorry for such a long post but I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's tearing apart my self esteem and I feel like a total reject who is constantly nagging for intimacy from my husband.

 

Cassandra.

[Cassandra1]

This is in response to lucky's post. Yes I was a virgin when I met him before we got married, sex was good. It was healthy... but I would say the last 2 years, it hasn't been quite that good.

 

I don't particularly like dressing in sexy lingerie for him because I don't think I have the best looking body for it although I am quite slim... I do occasionally but am too afraid..

[Lucky_One]

You accused him of being bi? Guys who are bi don't read Penthouse usually!!

 

That might have something to do with him being sort of upset with you and not being in synch with you sexually right now! The brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and if he is angry with you, then that will carry straight on down to his pecker.

 

And what is the deal with teasing him but then "taking back" the tease? You can still wear lingerie, even if you have your period. You can even have shallow penetration with a tampon in (although you may have to fish for the string later!), or even just on a towel, or in the shower, or use this thing they sell like a cervical cap. If you want to turn a man on, you don't show him something and then say, "But not tonight - I'm on my period" like you are a prim schoolmarm.

 

But it doesn't sound like yall are having good communication, either in or out of the bedroom. A little couples counseling is in order. If he won't go, then tell him that you'd like a weekend away "to think".

[Cassandra1]

Hi,

 

Its me Cassandra. I must have the most issues in a marriage than anyone else because I keep posting here.

 

All replies to my posts have been helpful so I thank you.

 

If my husband is working late most nights of the week and plays hockey 3 times a week (Sat or Sun or Friday) depending on the schedule, do you think I am being whiny about him not being home anymore?

 

Cassandra:(

[silverbeamer]

You aren't necessarily being whiny... but do you have interests of your own that occupy your time? If you're actually sitting at home each night waiting by yourself for him to come home then, yes, you are being whiny, IMO.

 

BUT... if you have outside interests that you are still involved with and go do your own thing once in a while but would just like to have your hubby around more you are simply wanting to be with the man you love. You shouldn't have to make any excuses for your feelings but be careful when you bring it up to your husband. Instead of asking him to come home earlier suggest an activity that the two of you could do together... do not try and guilt trip him into being home more. If he doesn't want to be there-- he doesn't want to be there. You can't change him.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I've been on the other side where my ex would complain that he never saw me enough. I was stressed about work and would have rather spent my free time at the gym then sitting around the house with him. Once we began getting out and doing things together he didn't feel so deserted and I wasn't annoyed with the guilt.

[sxyNYCcpl]

I agree with Lucrezia. You flipped out over some magazines, to the point that you felt the need to seek advice online about it. For some reason you seem to think you are in command of your relationship, and your man is to do that which he is told.

 

I, too, would probably become cold after such an event. Nah, I wouldn't get cold, I'd simply tell you that's how it is, and if you don't like it hit the road.

[serial muse]

I agree with Lucrezia. You flipped out over some magazines, to the point that you felt the need to seek advice online about it. For some reason you seem to think you are in command of your relationship, and your man is to do that which he is told.

 

I, too, would probably become cold after such an event. Nah, I wouldn't get cold, I'd simply tell you that's how it is, and if you don't like it hit the road.

 

So weird. Is this really how you read her 2 posts about porn in that other thread? True, there were people who took much harder-line positions, but I didn't really see that from Cassandra here. She just asked a question and expressed her insecurities.

 

So, taking it as an INDIVIDUAL's case and not a referendum on the Porn Issue, here's what we know so far:

 

1. She was a virgin until she met him - read, not much experience with sex. Not surprising she'd put an unreasonable amount of weight on what her husband says/does.

2. Husband isn't really interested in having sex with her much, and has insulted her when she's asked for it by calling her names like "skank". She internalizes this.

3. Instead of wanting sex with her, he looks at porn - WHICH, as we all know, is not in itself indicative of anything bad in the relationship, but most people would probably agree it's a problem if it's a SUBSTITUTE for sex with your partner.

3a. She posted about her insecurities with the porn, because a) she's inexperienced and insecure; b) she's got a husband who insults her and says negative things about her body; c) she's got a husband who insults her when she asks for sex. She internalizes this.

 

People. I ask you. Granted, she's displayed some insecurity about the porn thing, and apparently nobody likes/respects that. But let's look at this as an individual's story, not as a chance to jump on the soapbox and declaim about how porn is A-OK. Because this is not really about porn.

 

I mean, yeah, she's insecure, and that's what she's contributing to the marriage mess. But then, he's also being an insulting ass, and that's what he's contributing. Who's worse, if anyone? It'd be awesome if she weren't insecure, I agree. But seriously - do you REALLY think she's the controlling one here? Somehow, I don't think you're following HER story that closely, just looking at it as a chance to heat up the war between the sexes. That's not very helpful to her, though.

 

Seems to me that it's not bad advice to tell her that she could lighten up on the porn issue - as such. But the porn issue isn't really the root of the problem, it's a symptom. So why not call him out on some of the other, at least equally troubling stuff - like calling her names when she asks for sex?

 

Isn't it kind of the dream scenario for many men when their partners can't get enough of them? Shouldn't you be patting her on the back for that and encouraging it, and perhaps noting that this husband of hers is kind of a moron for not valuing her interest in sex properly? She wanted to give him a massage, for goodness' sake! Sorry, I just don't see how on Earth you can turn this person into any kind of a hag. She just strikes me as inexperienced and sad, and could probably use some solid advice about her actual problems. Are we reading the same thread??

[RecordProducer]

The sex in my marriage stopped in the first month. Almost three years later, I (still) don't see any desire in my husband. I've heard several excuses; some of them make sense, some of them don't. Put all together, it just doesn't make any sense, being that men find me very desirable - but not my husband.

 

What we usually do in such situations is question ourselves and wonder why. It will be long before you realize that it doesn't really matter why. And at the beginning of a marriage it can't be YOU. It's him, but don't think of it as "his fault." It's probably not his fault that he can't get himself to be intimate with you. Whatever the reason, it's stronger than him and has nothing to do with you, unless you've gained 100 lbs since you got married or stopped taking a shower. Soon, he will start blaming you. Don't be surprised and don't take it personally.

 

We would save us a lot of nerves if we would stop wondering about the reasons and accept things the way they are. You have to decide whether you can live with it or not.

 

In your case, it could be the Madonna/whore complex, given that he called you a skank (if you want sex at all), and he likes the real skanks from the porn sites. Google it if you don't know what it is. That's not my case though.

 

He did say one thing to me that maybe the reason why he isn't sleeping with me, and its because he said I questioned his sexuality awhile ago and surprisingly he wasn't mad at me when I questioned him nor did he say anything to me to reassure that he isn't gay... He just avoided it until he said oh of all people, I am one man who loves women..

He could be latent gay. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't feel sexually attracted to his exes either. If you could only talk to them... He isn't going to tell you the truth.

[marlena]

Soon, he will start blaming you.

 

Yes, it's his way of coping with his inadequacy! Much easier to blame others.

 

He isn't going to tell you the truth.

 

No, he isn't. You have to be smart and figure it out yourself and then from there make your own decision. If you are young and healthy, a life without sex is a life half-lived.