BlueDog Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 My live-in boyfriend of 5 years split up with me in mid-June. We had been having some tension about trying to work out if we wanted to get married or not, he had to go to another city for 6 weeks for work, he came back and broke up with me. I was devastated. I knew things had been a little tense, but I had no idea he was thinking of ending it. Within a week he was ringing to tell me that he had made the worst mistake of his life and begging me to come back and offering to go for counselling to work things through. I was too hurt and angry and told him no. He kept begging till the end of July. I was in shock and numb and just knew that I didn't feel like I could go through a breakup again and was terrified that if we got back together he would end it again. But there was still a lot between us. At the end of July we ended up sleeping together twice and weirdly, it was sort of idyllic, but I just couldn't bring myself to agree to get back together yet - although we discussed how we might give it a while and then try to patch things up. He then went off to work in yet another city for two months (since the start of this year his job involves lots of projects that call for travel). The first month he was away he still called, texted and emailed me pretty regularly, but then it stopped around the beginning of September. He came back at the end of September... and I found out that he had started seeing someone else. He'd met her on the job he'd done just before he split up with me, and apparently part of the reason he split up with me was because he developed a huge crush on her and thought that must mean that his feelings for me had faded. Then they had started talking online while he was away on this second job, and ended up travelling to spend some weekends together. Ironically, I had just finished sorting things through in my own mind and had realised that I really love him and believe in the relationship and do want to work through what happened and spend the rest of my life with him. Great timing, huh? So he and I started talking again three weeks ago. We keep trying to break contact but one or other of us always gives in to the temptation within a couple of days. About half the time he says that he thinks we need to move on and about half the time he says that he can't give me up - the only thing that he says consistently is that he needs more time to work out how he feels. But the whole time he is seeing this other woman. He says that if he had to choose between me and her he would choose me in a second, but that it's not about that and it's about working out what he wants with me. I feel like he's being unfair seeing someone else when things are so unresolved between us. He feels like I'm being unfair because he spent weeks begging me to get back together and I said no and then as soon as he starts seeing someone else I want him back and now he's confused. I get his point and I really wish I had been able to cope with things better but right now I don't know what to do. The thought of them together is making me physically sick. I love him. I don't know how to stay sane. Does anyone have any advice?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 It sounds like hes also trying to decide if this other woman is worth staying around, and keeping you on the sidelines in case things fall through. He says if he has to chose between you and her he'd choose you in a second. But hes WITH her, hes CHOSEN her. Thats the reality. Honestly, I'd just tell him he has to make a choice. Its no fair of him to string you along. What if he picks her in the end? You'll feel even worse then than you are now.
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 ......half the time he says that he can't give me up - .....But the whole time he is seeing this other woman. He says that if he had to choose between me and her he would choose me in a second, Then why hasn't he done that? because that's what you should say to him, "It's either her or me," but that it's not about that and it's about working out what he wants with me. Oh bull. Bull, bull, bull. If he wants to 'work out what he wants with you', then he should be with you, working it out... It IS about that.....!! I feel like he's being unfair seeing someone else when things are so unresolved between us. That's putting it mildly..... He feels like I'm being unfair because he spent weeks begging me to get back together and I said no and then as soon as he starts seeing someone else I want him back and now he's confused. he's not the only one, is he..? Yes, but I get his point and I really wish I had been able to cope with things better but right now I don't know what to do. The thought of them together is making me physically sick. I love him. I don't know how to stay sane. Does anyone have any advice? You know, even if he comes back to you, she won't go away. Even if he never sees, speaks to her, or ever mentions here again - she'll always be there. At the back of your mind. Together with him. If you think it's unbearable now, how do you think it will be IF he comes back to you? because it will take years to regain the trust, you know that don't you? Look at you now, you're a bit of a wreck..... Advice, you say? Still need advice, apart from - "You KNOW what you have to do - Now do it. " - ??
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 The thought of them together is making me physically sick. I love him. I don't know how to stay sane. Does anyone have any advice? You can love someone and not be with them. Examine the impetus for that love. Get at its origins. They are all within you He made a choice when he ended the R and plans for marriage. That's pretty serious IMO. I'm assuming you were engaged. That sucks. Sorry You did the right thing, for awhile, but didn't allow adequate time for your brain to de-tox from him. I also bet you didn't follow strict NC when you were broken up. It's so important to erase every iota of the person from your life during that period. That isn't disrespectful to them; it promotes emotional health for you. They are not affected by your healing process. If you promise today to practice strict NC until after Christmas, I can almost guarantee that your perspective will be far healthier in the new year. Try it and come back here for support. You can do it
Author BlueDog Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 Thank you all. I think you're right, GeishaWhelk, on some level I do know what I have to do but it is so hard and painful that I sort of needed to hear it from some objective people. I need to let go but I cannot bear it. I think that all through the months since we broke up, I have been hanging onto the hope/belief that we will get back together because it is too painful to accept that everything about that relationship is lost to me now. I feel like I've lost my lover, my best friend, the only person I've met in my life that I would want to spend the rest of it with, my very happy home, my hopes for the future, all the thousands of lovely memories that made up the last five years of my life and that are now haunted by sadness. I'm about to turn 30 and it seems like everything I've built up for myself in my twenties has disappeared down a plughole and I have to start again. I have spent literally about ten hours crying in the last two days. I would give anything to be able to rewind time and not be so complacent and sort out the issues we were having before it reached this point. I will pull myself together as hard as I can and work to not contact him until after Christmas. Fingers crossed, day at a time. I can't think too far into the future right now because the thought of spending it without him feels too cruel.
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Don't read or listen to any contacts by him, either. Good luck and best wishes!
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