muse08 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 me and the guy i was seeing just finished our conversation about an hour ago. we are a few hours apart, have been seeing each other for a few months and we were discussing the distance and how we were thinking about one another at the SAME times. we both knew it would be tough not being able to reach out and touch the one you're thinking of. when we got together we couldn't keep our hands off of one another. seriously. had several CLOSE calls...BUT...the additional issues which caused tension were a) we hadn't been intimate yet and b) we were both getting out of relationships, but his ex was causing high drama c) we just couldn't see each other as often as we liked. so he tells me how he woke up thinking of me coming to live where he was, but he knew it was foolish/aggressive to think such thoughts already and i was making him want things that he knew he couldn't haVe right now...TRUE...so he tries to pull out of me the thoughts i was having about us and then said that he should perhaps stop trying to get me to talk about my thoughts. i was very slow to reveal my thoughts and told him why...fear of being "foolish" as well, but i went ahead and kept talking and sharing and i tell him i had some of the same thoughts and even though he calls himself foolish for thinking it, i would be foolish enough to consider it had he asked me to move where he was. then he says, "when you love someone you don't ask them to move somewhere that's not stable or safe due to the environment and crazy ex-. i wasn't buying it and immediately got defensive "inwardly". so i just said "why don't you just tell me you can't see me anymore so you don't have to bring this up anymore". there was a short silence then he says it...yep! he said he was sorry but he couldn't see me anymore and it's the best way to ensure my safety regarding this ex of his, who won't stay away from him since their recent break up...i was blown and still am. i'm trying to stick my chin out, but i feel really rejected and sad right now... why did he feel the need to actually say this?
BCCA Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for. You asked him to do it, and I know you were thinking he was going to say 'no, no thats not it at all' but you just never know. Trust me, you dont want to be involved with someone who still has issues with their ex. Its asking for trouble. And 3 hours is a serious drive, and makes things really hard. I think you should just let this go for now. Let him work out things on his end and I'm sure he'll let you know if things have changed.
Author muse08 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 thanks BCCA. good insight. i agree with you. i have had ex drama b4 myself and had to get a protective order against him, but this came down hard on me today... the thing is he has said something similar to this before (in an email),not the exact words, but he ended up retracting his statement the next day. he is the one who asked to come see me and stayed overnight. no we didn't go all the way, but close. we spent 3 days together and couldn't keep our hands off one another and still wanted to talk, chat, email, etc. now this. i'm don't plan on contacting him. i plan on starting NC as of 2nite, but to be honest, i'm taking this hard. if he does contact me again regarding this what should i say or should i start NC asap?
BCCA Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 NC is for you, so you can get over this the fastest. I would wait and see if/when he contacts you and see what he has to say. There is no telling how youll feel if you hear from him, or what he'll say if you did. I was waiting and not hearing from my ex, and weeks later, I got the most generic 'hope youre ok' email ever. It didnt make anything any better at all. It was like a waste of energy to read it. Point being, all you can do is wait and see. But focus on doing whats best for you right now, and everything else will fall into place. Who knows if youll ever reconnect with this guy, so dont put all your eggs in one basket.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think I'd just hold firm to NC. I've done the long distance thing, for 2.5yrs. And while I really believe my ex and I loved eachother to pieces, and were very happy when we were together, the time we spent apart was VERY difficult. You may be interested in this guy now, and yeah, if he called you up and wanted to work things out, you could end up together, but the long distance would always be a struggle, and his ex being in his town would add to that struggle. I think its better if you just take some time to yourself, and meet someone new eventually. Thats easier said than done, but you deserve a relationship where you wont be worried about a jealous ex, and where you wont have to always be missing the man you love. There are other great, close by boys out there!!
Author muse08 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 I think I'd just hold firm to NC. I've done the long distance thing, for 2.5yrs. And while I really believe my ex and I loved eachother to pieces, and were very happy when we were together, the time we spent apart was VERY difficult. You may be interested in this guy now, and yeah, if he called you up and wanted to work things out, you could end up together, but the long distance would always be a struggle, and his ex being in his town would add to that struggle. I think its better if you just take some time to yourself, and meet someone new eventually. Thats easier said than done, but you deserve a relationship where you wont be worried about a jealous ex, and where you wont have to always be missing the man you love. There are other great, close by boys out there!! thanks tokyovogue. wow, 2.5 yrs. are you still together or not? wasn't sure. i'm going to try to get him out of my head and not expect to hear from him. i'll just assume that he may never contact me again. getting over an ex is easier said than done. i really liked this guy and i felt his attraction as well...so i have my work cut out for me, that's for sure. you're right though, there are some cuties here where i live. perhaps i'll see something great in them as well...?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Yeah we're broken up - just over a month now (thats why hes my EX!) It hard getting over him, but... it was always hard for me being with him. Somedays I wanted to break up with him, but was terrified of hurting him, so I let our relationship run on. In the end, I got burned. ;p Anyways, I really think its best, since you and him arnt too deep into a relationship really, to do your best to move on. Sounds like thats your plan, so hurray! You're on your way to a finding a cute in town guy . Thats my plan too (except I'm moving back to California in 2yrs... where my ex is so... if I date a guy here long term its back to long distance, gah!)
Author muse08 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 ...you did say EX...duhhh. sorry. but good for you as well. you don't think you and your ex will ever reunite, especially since you'll be closer to him? when i stop dating a guy, i do think "new guy" right away. so i'm not even thinking about another guy right now. to be honest i'm quite down right now and trying to debate on whether or not to erase all of his voice- and e-mail messages...aaahhh! maybe i'll do that this weekend while reading and listening one last time...
lofi_tokyo Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Ummm. Well I'm sure I'll meet up with my ex again someday, when I'm ready to deal with the fact he's moved on in his life. The love may always be there, but that doesn't really mean we'll end up together someday. More likely, I'd expect to hang out with him once in a blue moon - very rarely, just to catch up... but I mean, hes dating someone new, I'm casually seeing people. By the time I move down there, who knows? He may have found the woman he wants to marry, or maybe I'll be with a man I'm serious with. The odds of us getting back together someday are pretty slim, next to nothing I'd guess. You never know though. Painful as it is, we just met at the wrong time, had our chance but it didn't work out. ;p As for YOU (since this is your thread! ), I think deleting his voicemails and what not is probably for the best. If you always have those small things to hold onto, then you'll never be able to move on. But yeah, no pain in waiting till the weekend I guess, you can say goodbye when you're ready (just don't hold on TOO long). You sound really strong already, just knowing yourself and being straightforwards with things. I really think you're gonna be okay, and will be happy sooner than later .
Author muse08 Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 we were at work while communicating the other day when all this stuff began. so by the time i had a chance to say my last piece "you never cared" he had left for the day. this morning i had 10 emails from him. he was saying he did care, does still care and will continue to care, finds me hard to resist, blah blah blah, and sorry that he's in a crazy situation with getting his crazy ex out of his life... i only said "got your messages, thank you and to take care of his issue". next thing i receive about 4 more message. he's still kind of going in circles and repeating himself when he could just leave it alone and let me move on... so i had to stop at that point becaus i felt like he was testing me to either find out if i still cared really or just to see if i would keep responding. i responded briefly saying got your message, thank you, stand up and take care of your issue... then he continues. so i decided no to respond anymore! however...WHY DID HE KEEP DISCUSING STUFF?
Angel1111 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I don't think a 3-hr drive is a big deal at all. I don't know what's going on except that I think he probably slept with his ex and this is his way of not having to tell you about it. If he did sleep with her, then I'm thinking that he's really regretting it, and he's afraid nutty ex will tell you about it. This story about unsafeness is just silly and I wouldn't buy it. I think he really does love you, which is why he's freaking out that you called his bluff. The thing is, you picked up on where he was really headed with the conversation and just cut to the chase. I think that was great and I don't think he expected it. Still, I think something's going on that he's not telling you.
mixwell Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I don't think a 3-hr drive is a big deal at all. I don't know what's going on except that I think he probably slept with his ex and this is his way of not having to tell you about it. If he did sleep with her, then I'm thinking that he's really regretting it, and he's afraid nutty ex will tell you about it. This story about unsafeness is just silly and I wouldn't buy it. I think he really does love you, which is why he's freaking out that you called his bluff. The thing is, you picked up on where he was really headed with the conversation and just cut to the chase. I think that was great and I don't think he expected it. Still, I think something's going on that he's not telling you. I agree. The ex seems a little too much in his life and too close for him not to do anything with her... I would just let it go and not even get caught in the mix as hard as it might be..
Author muse08 Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 I don't think a 3-hr drive is a big deal at all. I don't know what's going on except that I think he probably slept with his ex and this is his way of not having to tell you about it. If he did sleep with her, then I'm thinking that he's really regretting it, and he's afraid nutty ex will tell you about it. This story about unsafeness is just silly and I wouldn't buy it. I think he really does love you, which is why he's freaking out that you called his bluff. The thing is, you picked up on where he was really headed with the conversation and just cut to the chase. I think that was great and I don't think he expected it. Still, I think something's going on that he's not telling you. thanks for the response angel. i don't think a 2.5-3hr drive is a big deal either. however i do feel that something deeper has happened with the ex. i do know how "off" she is, but when we've discussed it before i told him that i didn't want to continue discussing anything regarding the drama with her...so, now he's giving me what i asked for(2 the extreme) and may think i don't care(so what...naaa, i do care)or whatever, but so be it. i'm not gonna to lie...yes i do care like hell, but i don't think there's anything for me to do at this point. i have told LD/long distance guy that i didn't WANT to see him anymore b4, but we continued on anyway. he persisted to say why and how he didn't want us to stop seeing each other. i've offered to end things so that he could take care of his situation. he replied "no, that WILL NOT be necessary!" and even after me offering to let him go, we have still seen each other and it has not been about sleeping together. he wants to and so do i...badlyand we have had VERY CLOSE CALLS , but both of us made it clear from the jump that we DID NOT want just casual s*x at this point in our lives. we have had some really close calls, but haven't gone all the way. we intended to go further and be more serious about "life"...together. we spent 3 consecutive days together and didn't get tired of one another. saw him again shortly thereafter. all i can think of is how we stared at each other... and finished each other's thoughts! i've never told anyone to "get outta my head" so many times in my life. this thing has really been hard for me since friday. i have cried, i have talked to my girlfriends and mom and i have thought a lot. i don't want to move on, but i know i have to. i don't feel like meeting anybody else or going out. i have treated myself to dinner and a movie cause it's just what i like to do anyway, but we both are movie buffs and like to do that together. i want him back in my life. he keeps sending me messages, but i intend to stop responding... i want to keep SEEING him...! isn't there some sort of remedy/plan other than NC???... shucks!
Angel1111 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Personally, I think NC is a bunch of nonsense and I'm not sure why you feel the need to do this. It's probably not a bad idea to stop talking to him for about a week or so but to think you're going to go NC from here to eternity is pretty unrealistic and I think you know that. This whole concept of NC really only applies in certain circumstances, as far as I'm concerned, but it has somehow turned into the latest form of emotional Prozac for some reason. It's completely over-used and misunderstood. As far as dating someone else, I'm not sure why that would come into play, either, at this point. I think you just need to get realistic here and realize that there's too much unfinished business (and feelings) between you and LD guy. Cutting ties totally and/or dating someone else is too extreme in either direction. I suggest that you start talking to him again sometime next week and see if you can figure out what's going on by talking to him as his friend. This is not going to happen in one conversation either. The communication between the two of you needs to change and you need to get answers.
Author muse08 Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 wow, angel you seem so wise! you must have survived some pretty challenging stuff yourself. i'm curious to hear your story! i do have a little more info than i'm disclosing on this site which helps me understand a little better, but perhaps i need more answers... like what though? (how do you expect to resolve this issue? do you ever expect to see me again, honestly?...) what do i say? this is where i need help. but...i already emailed him this morning in response to his messages from yesterday. i was basically saying that i have chosen to listen to his few reasons/excuses/explanations because i didn't feel like there was any room in his life for me, with his ex-drama going on. he knows that i don't want or need drama. i am trying to chill out with my temper, but i felt on friday he was taking it for weakness. so this is the only reason i responded to his messages. otherwise i may have never responded. he's the one who insisted we continue seeing each other, even after i have offered to back off and let him resolve this issue before going out with me. it's almost like he just wants to be in control.
Author muse08 Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 i haven't called him. didn't respond to his last email a few weeks ago. so last week he leaves a message asking how i was doing and hopes i'm well. and tells me that he's working hard to get rid of the drama issue regarding ex-. (this was part of his promise to resolve this drama. i told him that i didn't want ANY drama in my life) and says "you'd be proud of me". i didn't respond right away. didn't plan to respond at all tohim, but the next day i sent a short email saying that i didn't know what he expects me to say and if these issues weren't controlling his life, perhaps i would have more words. yesterday he texted saying that he missed me...so that's the status of things "CURM".
lofi_tokyo Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 i haven't called him. didn't respond to his last email a few weeks ago. so last week he leaves a message asking how i was doing and hopes i'm well. and tells me that he's working hard to get rid of the drama issue regarding ex-. (this was part of his promise to resolve this drama. i told him that i didn't want ANY drama in my life) and says "you'd be proud of me". i didn't respond right away. didn't plan to respond at all tohim, but the next day i sent a short email saying that i didn't know what he expects me to say and if these issues weren't controlling his life, perhaps i would have more words. yesterday he texted saying that he missed me...so that's the status of things "CURM". Kind of sounds like he's really confused with his life. He broke up with his ex and met someone less complicated, someone new, fresh, and exciting (thats you). But he missed his ex, and despite her drama, kept talking to her, causing him to lose you. Now, no matter which way he turns, it sucks for him. Ex with issues. Or you, whom he hurt. He misses you, he misses her. I'm so sorry you're caught in the middle of this. He needs to get his act together, and be independent I think.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 update not that much of a big deal. initially, the issue was that he didn't want to bring this drama into my life if we took things further(i.e. as we discussed moving closer/with each other; i told him that i didn't want drama in my life) so, he left a message asking me how i was doing. hoping i was doing well. and saying that he's working hard to resolve his issues and that i would be pleased w/his progress. i guess he calls himself keeping me posted
Author muse08 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 just saw him this past weekend...it's been almost a year since we saw each other, but we've remained in touch. he initiated this visit. he has tried to see me two times since we broke up, but i refused to see him. i was seeing someone and didn't want to make it too easy for him. so he came down this weekend. we went out for dinner, then another place for dessert, then to a jazz club. it was a really nice evening...really nice. he stayed overnight and we talked and laughed and ...yeah,some other thingz:love: we have several things in common. similar sense of humor, love jazz and all kinds of music really, we borderline foodies, we're both very sensual with one another can never ,NEVER,keep our hands off of one another...why am i thinking about him so much when i just broke up w/ my ex a little while ago and was missing HIM? and get this...the morning long distance guy called about coming to see me woke up that morning thinking about him! it's crazy!i kind of want to reach out to him, but i haven't heard from him since the day after he went back and i really don't wanna seem pressed. is there anything i can say or do right now?he hasn't said anything to let me know he wants anything more serious, so i guess i should just get on with my life.
Author muse08 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Kind of sounds like he's really confused with his life. He broke up with his ex and met someone less complicated, someone new, fresh, and exciting (thats you). But he missed his ex, and despite her drama, kept talking to her, causing him to lose you. Now, no matter which way he turns, it sucks for him. Ex with issues. Or you, whom he hurt. He misses you, he misses her. I'm so sorry you're caught in the middle of this. He needs to get his act together, and be independent I think. if i'm not careful i will find myself just as confused as well. funny how now recently broke up with my ex and feel as confused as can be sometimes...i'm kind of in my feelings this weekend. and although i've missed my recent ex and he's called this weekend, i know he's not good for me. i do the wrong thing of answering his calls sometimes and regret it later b/c he keeps saying things that sound like he's trying really hard to let me know that he's upbeat and ok with our breakup and to make me think about him . mind you, he's been calling me,not the other way around. i do want to get away from this madness and y am i going through everything at once...? guess it's just how 'they' crumble...
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