Need some advice about a girl at work. sorta long

[Inarut84]

I'm 24 with a 9 year old daughter (I act and think like I'm 40.) She is 31 with 2 girls, and 1 boy. She is in a bad part of life right now. She got into an accident and lost her car, had to move from where her house was and back in with her mom because it didn't work out with her husband. Anyways we both work at a casino (me bartender, her waitress.) I found out she lives close to me and also that she was taking the subway to and from and have been helping her with rides.

 

 

 

Anyways so before she met me she liked this guy at work. They became friends and she feels like he doesn't want to open up so she is confused. When I first met her, I started liking her right away. We became friends and now I am totally confused. I have told her straight up that I like her and am not just trying to get into her pants. I've asked her also if there was any chance for us becoming more then a friend, and she said yes (idk if she is telling the truth, or just trying not to hurt me.)

 

 

So now she's been upset and calling me in tears about this ******* at work. She talks about him on the phone all the time, and even said "I wish I would have met you before him, or that he would treat me right and act like you." She has been honest with me and told me they were supposed to go on a date but it didn't happen. She always says things like "I just want to be treated like this and like that" and that is the way I would treat her. She knows this, but still likes him. I want her to want me and forget about him. We both work night shifts, after I dropped her off 1 night she invited me in to hang out. I was sitting on her bed and she layed down and told me to lay back. Do friends do that? Lay in bed together and watch movies. Am I in the friend zone and nothing more can come of it? I'm so confused about all of this and just needed to vent so sorry if I am rambling.

 

Do people really wait for others to "come around" or am I just an idiot that is getting used? I mean we talk a lot, I've met all of her kids, I hang out with her brother, sister, and brother in law every Tuesday at their house.

[JoeNewbie]

I don't really like the fact that she talks about the other guy. This is a big sign that you're in the friend zone.

 

The laying down part I agree is a bit borderline but I've done that with many female friends.

 

I would make a point of not being her confidante anymore and I'd leave her alone for a while. She knows how you feel about her and it is now up to her to make the next move.

[Inarut84]

Yeah it's a real mess. She just called me and told me that she texted him and basically said he's not worth being upset over. The part that confuses me is the laying in the bed, the hugging me and kissing me on the neck or cheek when I drop her off, her saying stuff like "I just want to be loved", her saying "You're a really great person", and her telling me basically exactly what she wants in a guy.

 

I'm kinda leaning to the assumption that I've been friend zoned, but why would she tell me that there is a chance for us in the future, or say something like "I wish I would have met you before him, I'm so confused about all of this."

 

Maybe I'm just to much of a bitch. I've been hurt before, I've slept around and played the games, I'm tired of all that. I want something real and serious.

 

Edit: Another confusing thing. I told her a few days after laying in bed with her that I had to fight every urge and muscle in my body to stop me from touching her and trying to cuddle. She replied back saying maybe some time I could hold her. Maybe sometime? What the hell does that mean!

[JoeNewbie]

Yeah it's a real mess. She just called me and told me that she texted him and basically said he's not worth being upset over. The part that confuses me is the laying in the bed, the hugging me and kissing me on the neck or cheek when I drop her off, her saying stuff like "I just want to be loved", her saying "You're a really great person", and her telling me basically exactly what she wants in a guy.

 

I'm kinda leaning to the assumption that I've been friend zoned, but why would she tell me that there is a chance for us in the future, or say something like "I wish I would have met you before him, I'm so confused about all of this."

 

Put it this way - if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She isn't held back by her husband or her kids, she's held back by some idiot she has a crush on who doesn't even want to be with her. Not very convincing if you ask me.

 

At best you're the Plan B guy. Do you really want to be that guy? That's possibly the most ingrate situation to be in and certainly one I would not accept.

[Inarut84]

Her whole deal is that she doesn't want to be looked at as a piece of meat, but rather to be treated like a women. That is her problem with the idiot from work.

 

 

No, I don't want to be the plan B guy. At the same time I don't want to rush her into making some kind of decision when she didn't even want a relationship to begin with. She is the type of person that likes to hang out and get to know someone and not just jump in the sack. She doesn't want to be LAID but wants to be made love to.

 

 

Arg!!!!

[JoeNewbie]

Her whole deal is that she doesn't want to be looked at as a piece of meat, but rather to be treated like a women. That is her problem with the idiot from work.

 

 

No, I don't want to be the plan B guy. At the same time I don't want to rush her into making some kind of decision when she didn't even want a relationship to begin with. She is the type of person that likes to hang out and get to know someone and not just jump in the sack. She doesn't want to be LAID but wants to be made love to.

 

 

Arg!!!!

 

Since you have told her about your feelings for her, she should at least have the decency to stop talking about the other guy. You're not her girlfriend and you should not accept that crap. When she's really over with the idiot, she can call you. Until then, don't be her girlfriend.

 

Don't wait until she makes her decision - make yours and be pro-active about it. Are you happy with this situation? I'll take a wild guess and suggest the answer is "no". Then why are you coping with it?

 

Being her girlfriend and expecting her to change her mind will only backfire at you. Be a man and set your priorities straight - it's your needs well before hers. Right now, you come across as a really weak guy.

[Inarut84]

That is my whole point. I don't know what she thinks. She could actually already like me but have both of us on her mind. And since she started talking to him first, her feelings towards him could be greater.

 

 

 

The only thing that I have told her is that I really like her and that I wanted to touch be close with her the night we layed down. I haven't went into detail about it all. I feel that if I did, I would be beating a dead horse. So do I ask her to lunch or something, lay it all out, and then go on my way? It is causing problems in my life and I don't want it to, I just really like this women and don't wanna mess things up. But if nothings gonna happen, I have to protect my self. She's even said, Don't give up on me. In one way I take that as her stringing me along and making me into plan b like you said. But I also know that she isn't really ready for a relationship and she may just want to take things slow since I've been so nice to her.

 

 

And she did try to stop talking about the guy. She said "I know you don't want to hear about other guys" but me being the bitch and sucker said "No You can talk about anything with me." I've told her to end it with him because he's not worth it, and it sounded like she did tonight. She made a point to call me and read me what she texted him.

[JoeNewbie]

The biggest problem is that she knows she can have you anytime but still has other priorities. Why would you accept to be someone's second or third priority? She could be with you but she decides not to. And she has the arrogance to ask you to stand by? Come on, be a man and step out for a while.

 

I was recently in a similar situation. The girl really liked me but she liked another guy better. She wanted to stay friends so we can keep flirting. I said no thank you, all the best, see ya. I walked out before she turned me into a wuss.

[D-Lish]

It sounds like you have been friend-zoned.... yes.

 

It's not in your favour that she has great big feelings for this other guy that she can't stop talking to you about.

 

It's the classic- why do people want people that treat them badly situation. She basically wants to be with this guy who treats her badly and gives her very little. Yet there is you- and you're right in front of her, everything she says she wants... but she doesn't really. She wants what she can't have.

 

She's going for the guy that is the antithesis of what she says she wants.

She wants love and affection... but she wants it from this loser.

 

I have been in the same situation. I have been in love with someone while someone else has pined for me.... The rational part of us says: there is a great guy in front of us"... but the heart strays elsewhere.

 

Honestly- I believe if you started to pull away and not be so available, she'd start to think about you more. I know it's not logical, you think being the "good guy", the one she describes in her fantasy is going to eventually get you somewhere. But you must also see that her actions contradict her words. She's pining after a guy that treats her badly... she's not hooking up with the available guy who treats her well.

 

This is a girl in turmoil over another guy.... you can choose to be her friend- and listen and be there for her, waiting to see if she comes to you.

Or, you can choose to back off a little and grasp some power.

 

If you backed off, maybe flirted with other waitresses at work, weren't so available.... you might just become the "unavailable" guy. It's awful to suggest such a thing, but it's also human nature to want what we can't have and ignore what we can.

 

You're a good guy, you have genuine feelings for this girl. If you don't want to be friend-zoned permanently, you are going to have to switch up your game and stop being available.

 

I hope it works out, and I hope you don't think I am being harsh- Games suck... but psychology isn't wrong. People pine for what they can't have. At least initially. Make her work for you a little bit. Become the guy she can't have... and it will change her focus.

[johan]

If you have feelings for her, then forget about her. You can't make her life better. You won't ever date her. If you ever had a chance, it is gone. It doesn't matter whether you are in the "friend zone". Do yourself a favor and put her in the "friend zone". You'll be glad you did. Women like this are just walking disasters. And don't feel guilty about it. She'll be fine. They always get by just fine.

[Inarut84]

I appreciate the responses, I really do. She doesn't know exactly how I feel and I guess she never will. I will back off and play it off like she means nothing to me. And if nothing happens, well then screw it. I have not felt this way about a women since I first lost my virginity. She actually gives me butterflies.

 

Final question...As I said, she doesn't know exactly how I feel, just that I like her. Should I make a point to sit her down and tell her exactly what is on my mind and then go my own way. Or do I just do that now?

[johan]

Final question...As I said, she doesn't know exactly how I feel, just that I like her. Should I make a point to sit her down and tell her exactly what is on my mind and then go my own way. Or do I just do that now?

 

I recommend you don't tell her anything. There's nothing to gain by it. If she was willing to return the feelings, you'd already know it. If she isn't, your words will be wasted and make her feel uncomfortable.

 

The worst thing that can happen is that she decides to try to date you. Don't even open that door.

 

I've been in your shoes enough times to know.

[JoeNewbie]

I have not felt this way about a women since I first lost my virginity. She actually gives me butterflies.

 

You will meet plenty of women in your life. Do not get excited too soon or else your judgment will be screwed.

 

Final question...As I said, she doesn't know exactly how I feel, just that I like her. Should I make a point to sit her down and tell her exactly what is on my mind and then go my own way. Or do I just do that now?

 

No, no, no... Do NOT sit down with her and tell her what you think - not now, not when you date and not until you're in a pretty serious relationship with her. That's a huge turn off. You think you'll "convince" her that you're the right solution - but trust me, that would be suicide.

[Inarut84]

I recommend you don't tell her anything. There's nothing to gain by it. If she was willing to return the feelings, you'd already know it. If she isn't, your words will be wasted and make her feel uncomfortable.

 

The worst thing that can happen is that she decides to try to date you. Don't even open that door.

 

I've been in your shoes enough times to know.

 

 

 

Why would it be so bad if she decides to date me? What are you seeing that is happening to me, that has happened to you? I mean we aren't THAT great of friends. I've known her for uhhh 2-3 weeks tops.

[johan]

Women with baggage have a way of making you carry it instead of carrying it for themselves. Then when they see that you'll take it, they'll heap more on until you're about ready to break. Or else they lose respect for you when they figure out you're willing to take any of it. Either way, you just end up getting jerked around and having nothing to show for it.

[Inarut84]

So that fact that I've only known her for 2-3 weeks means nothing? I'm not trying to be a smart ass either, it is a serious question. I really appreciate the responses.

[johan]

What difference would it make?

[Inarut84]

I was just thinking that if I liked someone and then met someone else, I wouldn't instantly show feelings towards the new person. I would likely still be hung up on the first person. She is not looking for a one night stand, but rather a solid relationship. I don't know the whole story about her and the guy at work, just a few details about a few nights. While I am young, I am looking for the same thing. I would much rather get to know a girl and then proceed, then to sleep with her and know nothing about her. My days of getting one night stands are over by choice, I'm just not interested in it anymore.

[JoeNewbie]

I was just thinking that if I liked someone and then met someone else, I wouldn't instantly show feelings towards the new person. I would likely still be hung up on the first person. She is not looking for a one night stand, but rather a solid relationship. I don't know the whole story about her and the guy at work, just a few details about a few nights. While I am young, I am looking for the same thing. I would much rather get to know a girl and then proceed, then to sleep with her and know nothing about her. My days of getting one night stands are over by choice, I'm just not interested in it anymore.

 

I'm not saying you should completely forget about her but just let her deal with her stuff without being her girlfriend. Date other women, have fun, don't think about her too much. She may or may not come around eventually - but for you to hang around like a needy boy will backfire at you. Good luck.

[Inarut84]

Thanks for all of the advice.