I said "break", he said "break-up" (Long)

[Glory]

My (ex?)boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Recently, we've both been going through some life changes and things have been a bit tumultuous in our relationship. There is a lot I can say about it, but I'll try to keep things brief.

 

Since we've been dating for so long, the question of marriage and further commitment has (unfortunately) been a sore spot for us (me?). We're both in our mid-twenties, have secure jobs, and he has recently bought a home. On paper, we are as financially secure as two people can be. I have no debt, he has a few school loans to pay back, but other than that now would seem like the perfect time to take that next step in our lives together.

 

A few months ago, he came to me and told me that he thought it would be at least a year (or more) until he was ready to get engaged, as he wanted to get a few of his loans paid off before we tied the knot. This distressed me a bit as I feel that no couple is ever financially 100% secure, and that as I have a good bit of money saved up, if we were to get engaged and then married I would not hesitate to put that money towards his debt. He did not like the idea of me giving him the money. In the end, we agreed to table the discussion for a period of six months or so until we he was settled in his new home and he took care of some education related loose ends. I hinted that while I loved him and wanted to marry him that I didn't know if I could stand to getting to 8 years of a relationship without some kind of proposal.

 

A month ago we went on vacation together and had a most wonderful trip. We both had fun and looked forward to taking another vacation together next year. While we were on our trip it seemed that our relationship had hit an all-time high. Unfortunately, once we were home and back to the "real world" reality seemed to smack me in the face. Amidst some revisions and remodeling to his new home, we have begun fighting and arguing. He has become short with me and any sort of affection has ceased to happen. It was upsetting and frustrating to watch this occur.

 

This past weekend I called him on it. I asked if he was upset because he was embarking on a new era of his life (home ownership) or if I had done something to hurt his feelings. He said he wasn't upset about anything like that, but that I was beginning to get on his nerves and that he could not stand my "neediness" anymore. He thought that I was selfish and that I was always concerned about how things would affect me and never how they would affect him. I responded that I looked at how things would affect us and that it was frustrating to me that he seemed to view us as only me and him while I viewed us as me and him and us. I pointed out to him that he hadn't told me he loved me in over a week. His response wast that he just hadn't thought of it. (Red flag, much?)

 

Finally, I asked him for a couple weeks to myself as I felt that we were not going to get anything accomplished rehashing the same silly arguments that we'd been having for 7 years (I call to much, he doesn't show enough affection). Apparently, he took this to mean that I wanted a break-up and that he was single again. When I tried to clarify he told me to take my time and that we would just speak again in a few weeks.

 

Now I'm confused and feeling as if my asking for space has been the catalyst for the end of my relationship. A relationship I didn't want to end, I just wanted to work on.

 

I plan on taking my couple of weeks and am hoping to maintain NC for that amount of time. I guess what I'm looking for is some insight into his mind and whether or not he has simply tired of me and saw this break as an opportunity to bolt, or if I am simply over-reacting in regards to a break I'm not even sure I want anymore.

 

Thank you for reading - feel free to ask me questions if I have not provided enough information.

 

-Glory

[Rooster_DAR]

Let me address this if I may...

 

 

Usually when someone wants to take a break it a sign that a breakup is inevitable, and/or there is somebody else in the picture. This may not be true, but if my SO asks me for a break, I pretty much assume it's the end of the road.

 

You need to state your intentions and be very clear with him IMO.

 

Regards,

[Glory]

Thanks, Rooster. Once I found out what he thought (that I wanted a break up) I did call him to try to reassure him that it's not what I wanted and that I just wanted some space to think things through and try to clear my head a little bit. Either he didn't seem to care, or he took this as a sign to end it himself? I'm not sure. He did tell me we would talk in a couple weeks, though - which was what I wanted to begin with. It's just frustrating that he is identifying himself as "single" for this period.

[yongyong]

I ddn't read the whole thing. I could guess just by looking at the tiltle.

 

I say it is your fault. you would want to yell at him saying 'honey that is not my intention'

It doesn't matter what your intention was.

(you can offend someone even though your intention wasn't like that.

 

I know you will try to explain 'you are not dumping him in a nice way'

 

He might want to listen to other people's opinions and everyone will tell him

'you don't get it dumb ass?, she is dumping you move on'

 

the same thing happened to me. I really couldn't believe what others were telling me

but because I was hearing the same thing, it changed my heart little bit too.

 

The reason he wants to break up with you is because even during couple weeks, he will experience lots of pain. (wondering you might come back every night)

 

I think you should've been careful befre announcing that.

 

So if he just made his own decision and wants to find someone els, there is nothing you can do about it

[Glory]

Hmm... yongyong, I know you said you didn't read the whole post, so forgive me if I feel as if your reply was a little bit harsh. I don't want to break-up with him. I simply wanted some space to get my priorities in order. That sort of thing. I went out of my way to clarify what I wanted when he assumed "break-up."

 

I agree with you, though, that I probably hurt his feelings and/or offended him. And maybe you are right, and he has made a decision thinking that a "break" just isn't worth it. Thank you for responding.

 

Ryan, thank you for the advice. I am trying to stay busy and have packed my gym bag for the first time in months (that is one of the first places people go after a split, huh?).

[yongyong]

I know you didn't want to break up with him.

It very hard for a person to understand that statement.

sometimes it's just better to hear 'we are done, now GTFOH'

so you can get hurt for couple weeks and then move on

 

 

'let's just be friends for now' 'I am not ready yet'

'I need sometime to think about it'

those statements can make their life miserable till you give them a final answer cuz they can't just ignore those words and just start dating someone else (I know you will get upset if he starts dating someone but you are the one who said that first)

 

If you care about him, why do you need to give him that much pain so you can just Think About It?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmm... yongyong, I know you said you didn't read the whole post, so forgive me if I feel as if your reply was a little bit harsh. I don't want to break-up with him. I simply wanted some space to get my priorities in order. That sort of thing. I went out of my way to clarify what I wanted when he assumed "break-up."

 

I agree with you, though, that I probably hurt his feelings and/or offended him. And maybe you are right, and he has made a decision thinking that a "break" just isn't worth it. Thank you for responding.

 

Ryan, thank you for the advice. I am trying to stay busy and have packed my gym bag for the first time in months (that is one of the first places people go after a split, huh?).

[wizzlebee]

Yeh Yong is right. My bf wanted time to think and needed a break, I told him that its for the best that we just break up then. He didn't like that idea one bit and has begged me to come back. Still thinking if i should go back to him or go out and find someone who wouldnt need a break from me.

 

 

Sorry but when you said you needed a break you should have been prepared for the consequences

[dadawg]

Hey Glory,

 

This reminds me a lot about how I ended my relationship with my ex. The only difference is that in my case I think two weeks would have been fine. She took more than three months, and I was begging her to talk to me the first month. Then she started begging, but i was done. If your ex was anything like me, he left because you left him alone. he left because he was left to wonder alone. He left because he trusted you, and you bailed out. The fact that he said he would talk to you is a good sign, as it might mean he might be having second thoughts. Well, breaks aren't always good, and one or two days of alone time should be enough. If you take more, there is always a risk.

[Glory]

dadawg, do you think I should not take the full two weeks? We've only had NC for a couple of days. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I effed up.

 

Honestly, I figured that a break would do us both some good as he was seeming to be upset and short with me.

[Enema]

I don't do "let's take a break" either. If it gets to the point where there are enough significant issues that she needs time, there are enough significant issues to end it.

 

If my gf asked for it, I would break up too.

[dadawg]

dadawg, do you think I should not take the full two weeks? We've only had NC for a couple of days. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I effed up.

 

Honestly, I figured that a break would do us both some good as he was seeming to be upset and short with me.

 

Really...my guess would be as good as yours. There's no clear-cut answer. However, if you don't want to jeopardize the relationship, the sooner the better. Don't try to figure out what he's thinking, or if the next move is the wrong or the right move. Do what your heart tells you is right, and you will not stay up at nights trying to figure out where you went wrong. At least, not as much. Good Luck.

[FadedSign]

It could sound like you two aren't communicating very effectively together. Maybe you should see a counselor? You don't have to be married to see one, a 7 yr relationship is a huge investment that I wouldn't give up lightly.

 

Also coming back to reality from a long nice vacation is hard! and you may have be getting on eachothers nerves now that you're so a little NC might not be a bad idea. Absence makes the heart fonder :-)

 

Best of luck!

[nickelinadime]

Does anyone else thing that maybe he's afraid of commitment? Maybe the thought of marriage scares him so he's distancing himself from that.