djhall Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Okay, basically I want to know if there are many other people out there who are flirting impaired and just don't get it when someone else is flirting with them or demonstrating sexual interest. I'm not just talking about mildly clueless... I'm talking complete uttter boneheaded idiot clueless. Allow me to give an example. I once went out for an evening with three of my friends and a very, very, very attractive girl came over and started talking to me saying I looked just like a guy she used to know in high school and asking if maybe I was him or his brother. I, of course, said no, but she kept talking with me for quite awhile, we seemed to get along amazingly well, and she gave me her phone number at the end of the evening. We called each other several times over the following week, she invited me to dinner at her place the following weekend, and the weekend after that she called and invited me to go on an overnight trip to a nearby city with her. We went and had a great time, but the hotel room she had rented only had one bed. Fortunately, I was a perfect gentleman about it because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by expressng sexual interest in her when she was trapped in a hotel room in a city away from home with a guy she had only known for two weeks, especially since she hadn't given me any indication that she was interested in me sexually and not just as a friend. The ride home the next day was a bit frosty, and when she asked me why I went if I wasn't interested, my repeated aplogies that I had no idea and assurances that I thought she was sexy as hell and it had just about killed me to be that close to her that long without touching were just to late to salvage the relationship. I could go on, and on, and on, with examples like this where it should have been impossible to miss the signals and yet, I did. It is a real source of amusement with my friends to trade stories of the flirting signals I've missed in front of them or the times when I have, according to them, flirted outrageously with someone in completely inappropraite situations wihout the slightest clue that what was going on was flirting (like the time I apparently flirted pretty strongly with the waitress when I went out to dinner with my girlfriend, her parents, her brother's family, and her sister's family.... though I had absolutely no clue the friendly waitress was actually flirty and putting her hand on my shoulder while pointing out something on the menu was apparently pretty forward). Am I the only one? Are you also flirting impared? Do you have a flirting imparied friend? And if so, do you have any idea why some of us just don't seem to "get it"?
couchmonkey Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Did your mother lie to you and tell you to respect a woman's boundaries at all costs? Mine did. Thanks, Mom, for making me into a perfect little gentleman...
Author djhall Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Did your mother lie to you and tell you to respect a woman's boundaries at all costs? Mine did. Thanks, Mom, for making me into a perfect little gentleman... LOL.. funny you should bring that up. Actually, my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses when I was growing up and tried to teach me to never be alone with a woman until my wedding night. Any socialization with a member of the opposite sex before then should be in the presence of a chaperone. They also forbid dating until I was ready to court someone for marriage, and did not allow me to participate in after school activities of any kind, since associating with other kids could result in their immoral ideas and behavior rubbing off on me. It didn't work at all the way they hoped. I definitely have issues with having friends (I have two... though I only see them every few years), and trouble dating (I also lived in the women's dorm at college but never had a date). However, I also have serious aversions to marriage and monogamy, if for no other reason than it was constantly pushed at me as WHAT I HAD TO DO, and sex outside of marriage was ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN.... so natually I grew up absolutely determined to have as much sex outside of marriage as possible and never cage myself in a monogamous relationship. Talk about having issues.
Byren Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 There's a magical concoction that I use in times when I need to flirt. I call it alcohol. I try to flirt without it, but I'm no casanova. In fact, one of my ex's told me that she had no idea what i was thinking because I didn't flirt most of the time (whenever I wasn't drinking)... I thought I was!! Bah, well it turns out that she made me conscious of this fact so I'm trying to fix it. I know that body language is important, as is eye contact. Innuendos are good, and fun too, and having a playful attitude towards things, you know, not always giving a serious answer. For example: Her: What do you do for a living? Me: I'm an astronaught Her: No, really Me: Ok, ok... I'm a porn star. Hopefuly she should laugh/giggle/smile or whatever at this OH, I've also learnt that touch, however slight, is VERY important. I hope my novice advice is of some use.
nicki Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Well, your first clue should have been that she invited YOU on that trip. She made the arrangements, and clearly knew there was going to be one bed. When in doubt, tell a woman how you feel and what you want. Ask her if that's okay with her. You ARE a gentleman, so work with that. It will do you no good to try to be some player type of guy. This woman was obviously interested in you, and in having sex with you. Did you want to have sex with her as well? A little humor would have worked, as in "Oh, there is only one bed. I hope you don't hog the covers....Or do you want me to sleep on the couch?" Big hopeful smile. She would have let you known that she wanted you in the bed, and you could have still shown you are a gentleman.' Don't sweat it though. You tried to explain that you thought she was hot and you wanted her. She could have given you another chance instead of taking it so personally. Afterall, a relationship between you both was not a given. I think you were a gentleman instead of a pig. If I were her, I would have simply been a bit more aggressive with a guy like you. If she had rolled over and grabbed you, you would have responded, right?
norajane Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Yes, there are flirting impaired people just as there are people for whom it comes naturally. Natural flirts flirt with everyone - men, women, children - it's a charm thing and makes people feel good to be around them and makes social interactions fun and easy. When a natural flirt meets someone of the opposite sex they like, they turn it up a notch or two, and the flirting becomes more focused. You can learn about the skill which can help you recognize it when someone is flirting. Things like body language, compliments, timing, humor. But the only way to truly become proficient is to practice, practice, practice until it becomes a natural form of communication. It's a SOCIAL skill, and it's worth learning to ease all social situations, not just romantic ones or just when you meet someone you want to attract.
lazlow99 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I'm not too bad, but usually I get too self consious when someone is paying attention to me and I'm attracted to them. However I'm really good at flirting with girls who I'm not attracted too which sucks. I wish it was the other way around!
Final Girl Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 When I flirt I just imagine the person I'm with is the most amazing and wonderful human being ever and that this is FACT!! I also imagine that he's very lucky coz he met me and I'm the female equivalent!!! :):) Then it just kinda happens. It's all in the eyes...if someone is flirting with you, their eyes sparkle.
Author djhall Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I've thought a lot about why I have trouble recognizing flirting for what it is, and in my case I recognize the individual behaviors, but I attribute it to something other than flirting. In other words, I see it as being friendly or trying to make a good impression for a tip, or I believe the "cover story" when someone uses an excuse to strike up a conversation. I'm not sure why other people seem to recognize the difference so easily, as most flirting is done in a way that is intentionally subtle or deniable so it doesn't have to mean, "I'm flirting with you." Perhaps it is because I frequently do those things when I am not intentionally flirting, so it seems strange to me to attribute that behavior to sexual interest when someone else does it.
norajane Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Don't you think anyone would be interested in you sexually? Why discount that possibility in favor of the 'cover story' or whatever? Why not consider that they might be flirting?
GoodOnPaper Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I've thought a lot about why I have trouble recognizing flirting for what it is, and in my case I recognize the individual behaviors, but I attribute it to something other than flirting. In other words, I see it as being friendly or trying to make a good impression for a tip, or I believe the "cover story" when someone uses an excuse to strike up a conversation. I'm not sure why other people seem to recognize the difference so easily, as most flirting is done in a way that is intentionally subtle or deniable so it doesn't have to mean, "I'm flirting with you." Perhaps it is because I frequently do those things when I am not intentionally flirting, so it seems strange to me to attribute that behavior to sexual interest when someone else does it. I hear you and I'm there with you. If it seems that a woman is being a little overly friendly, I always manage to second-guess myself and assume that sexual interest is not what's really on her mind. I also tend to live in my head a lot and it's a little more difficult for me to just go with the moment.
Author djhall Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Don't you think anyone would be interested in you sexually? Why discount that possibility in favor of the 'cover story' or whatever? Why not consider that they might be flirting? It sounds pretty bad when you put it that way. I don't do it intentionally, I just don't read sexual interest in everything women do around me and so I usually miss it when it is actually there. When a cashier at the store comments that it looks like I am making a pizza, and she recommends I try to Boboli bread as a crust sometime, and we chat a little bit, I usually think, "What a nice girl, and helpful too," not, "She's so hot for me!"
norajane Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I usually think, "What a nice girl, and helpful too," not, "She's so hot for me!" There's a lot in between those two extremes. Think of it as a spectrum. Boboli girl might not be sooo hot for you, but she might be a little into you, enough to flirt. You have to notice the non-verbal cues in that kind of conversation to know whether she was flirting or not. The exact same words could be said with eye contact, smiles, glances and...flirtatious. Absent that, and yes, she's helpful grocery clerk, or even bored grocery clerk desperate for conversation. With the body language, she's hot Boboli girl you should invite out for some pizza.
Author djhall Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 You have to notice the non-verbal cues in that kind of conversation to know whether she was flirting or not. The exact same words could be said with eye contact, smiles, glances and...flirtatious. Absent that, and yes, she's helpful grocery clerk, or even bored grocery clerk desperate for conversation. With the body language, she's hot Boboli girl you should invite out for some pizza. This is probably the kind of thing you learn from experience, which is likely the other big factor in my case. If you follow-up and ask a lot of women out, I assume you get better at recognizing who is going to be receptive and who isn't.
Recommended Posts