Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I apologize in advance for the length of this opening post. I'm trying to get all the info out there at once, but I'm sure additional details will be necessary. I came across a post in another thread that literally jumped off the page at me. Parts of it are as follows: In my experience, when a guy was slow to move but usually receptive, it was because he had something going on with someone else. Is this usually true? I ask because I'm in a very similar situation to one presented by KinAZ, as discussed here: I had a couple of situations like this with "confusing" guys and so have my friends, and it seems like... after we decided we didn't want to get an ulcer and moved on... the guy "ended his complicated situation" with whomever. It might help to think about what YOU do in certain situations too! My bff just had a couple of situations like this (sort of) from both angles. She was talking to a guy, but had another guy who was interested. He was interesting, but not as interesting as the one she was talking to most. Number one pick fell through, and so she started talking to number 2. But before number 1 fell through, she wasn't as attentive to number 2 (and probably confused him). LOL, but by that time number 2 was less receptive, though he still seems interested. She couldn't figure what happened, and it's probably because he's seeing someone else now. She now has a new number one, and that same old number 2 is confused all over again. This one guy she had a wicked crush on, I told her to go a head and get his email address, and try to invite him to this and that... see where it goes. I COULD TELL the guy was interested. He was visibly obvious, just not making a move. Nearly a year later (and we wondered if he might be gay too), she learns that he just ended something with some other girl. I was seeing this guy who, by the third date, had not tried to kiss me and it freaked me out. I thought it was rather weird, and wondered if it was because he knew I was fresh out of a relationship, and I started seeing someone else. Later I found out that he was in a "complicated situation" with another woman, and when it ended, he tried to get back in my good graces. I feel like she's referring in many ways to my situation. I met a guy I'll call "O" almost a month ago. I know, I know. Not a long time. We had our first run-in on a dating site, but we quickly realized he have friends in common and probably have crossed paths before, so it has felt like we met through other IRL means. We hit it off on our first date/meeting. However, since then, I have felt that he has been sending me mixed signals, including waiting until our fourth date to kiss me. We have had 4 dates in 3 weeks. When I say it like that, it sounds like a good pace, particularly given the fact that he's been out of town for 3 weekends straight, and also spent time away for work. But for some reason, it also seems ... stunted. I think that is due to the mixed signals he's been sending me. The "mixed signals" he sends me: I often feel like he's playing games. He coaxes little flirty comments out of me but only flirts back at his leisure, often leaves me hanging (not calling right back like he says he will, or not responding to my last text when we're in the middle of a text convo), and waits to initiate contact until I've purposefully pulled away. He says that he just lets time take its course, that he doesn't like to rush into relationships, they just naturally happen. (I'm not rushing anything here.) I find him slightly cocky, he thinks he's just really confident. He's also very sarcastic, which makes reading him difficult. For example, he sent me some very sweet, cute, flirty drunk texts a couple weeks ago, but then said that I can't take anything he'd ever say while drunk seriously...but then retracted that and winked at me while saying that I could believe "some" of those drunk texts. He doesn't seem to have any wounds from past relationships which would make him nervous about being in a relationship. He's been legitimately pretty busy, but also a little flaky when it comes to making plans, and sometimes I feel as though I'm chasing him or reminding him of my existence. In the same vein, I often feel as though he's dropping little "I'm still here" reminders via effortless text messages while he's away (business or personal - and no, he's not married or anything like that). As mentioned above, he's receptive to me, but he's not driving the progression of a developing, fledgling relationship (well, not as far as I would like). That said, it does seem like there's forward movement. I've read a lot of comments from females on his MySpace page from a while ago, and it seems as though he's quite flaky in general, and bad at making and following through with plans, so it's not something I should take personally. One other weird thing I saw was on a MS bulletin, in response to a question re: whether he was single/in a relationship/engaged/married...he put "It's complicated - haha." WTF does that mean? The "good signals": The last time we saw each other, he kissed me as he was saying goodbye - a flirty, passionate, lovely kiss that left me wanting more. During that evening, he made several comments which implied that he wanted to see me again and continue to see me (offering to help me with a house project next time he's over, offering to play tennis with me because I want to get back into it (he doesn't even play), suggesting we go do something that I do often that he's been wanting to do (get massages together), etc. - all his suggestions/offers.) These comments made me feel like he was trying to build a foundation for any relationship we might end up in, supporting the whole "let time take its course" philosophy. Also, he was checking in to his online dating site on a daily basis until the night we kissed. He has not checked it since. That was a week ago. (While he's been out of town for the past 4 days, he's had full access to email/internet and I've noticed him changing his status on MS twice a day - so he could have checked it if he wanted to.) We've exchanged some flirty text messages since he's been gone t his past weekend. He's also texted me first thing in the morning during the week to say good morning a few times, which I wouldn't expect him to do if he didn't "like" me. I'm hoping to hear from him soon and see him again when he gets back. I'm very interested in O, but his behavior gives me a good deal of anxiety because I don't really know if he's into me and just slow/guarded/emotionally in control, or just being receptive but unsure of how he feels, or even apathetic....or if he's intentionally playing games. OR if he's involved in something "complicated" such as having this sort of "relationship" with more someone else as well. Based on things I've observed, I'm fairly certain that he's dating at least one other person (or at least has been sometime during the time we've been seeing each other). While that stirs some jealousy in me, I'm okay with it as I'm doing the same...I just wish I were his favorite. Truly, he's NOT a player in the traditional sense. If he's playing games, it's because (1) he's unsure of his feelings and therefore doesn't feel the need to pursue me, (2) he's insecure and wants to see if I'll jump through hoops, or (3) he's a sicko he likes playing with girls' feelings. I'm thinking it's (1) and (2) combined...again, that's IF he's playing games. He could just be moving along at his pace thinking everything is great in the world... Ha. What do I do? I'm getting frustrated. I'm tempted to just move on, but I feel like we have great potential and don't want to be hasty. I'm not looking for an instant-relationship, but I would like to be able to be confident in knowing that he's still into me. Thing is... Am I just being silly? Is O sending me all the right signs that he's into me but just wants things to move slowly, and I'm just psycho analyzing every move he makes to death? Am I trying to rush things? Any insight would be great.
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I know that guys are typically more simple minded than girls. While some of the issues you brought up are probably true, I bet you reality is a lot more simple. His attitude reminds me of past situations where I was on the fence, not really knowing what to do. And while this may sound really silly, I think that sex has a lot to do with a guy's decision to have a relationship or not. There are girls who I thought were above average - but after we had sex, I thought they were wonderful. I'm not suggesting that you should do something you are not comfortable with - I am just describing how most guys function when it comes to feelings. I am happy to chat with you in more detail if you'd like. Cheers, Joe
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Joe - a male friend of mine said the same thing. He actually suggested I "seal the deal" by "hitting it." Problem is, I have the feeling I won't be having sex with this guy for quite a while...the opportunity doesn't seem to be there. What do you mean by this: While some of the issues you brought up are probably true, I bet you reality is a lot more simple. Which issues? What reality is more simple?
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Guys are ALWAYS up for sex. Why do you think there won't be an opportunity to be intimate with him? As for your other question, women tend to over complicate things. Guys don't think half as hard as you do. They're hungry? They eat. They're horny? They have sex. What you should focus on is how he treats you, whether he is respectful and honest. For the rest, if he kisses you I don't see physical attraction being a problem. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'm stupid when it comes to girls but happy to offer the male perspective.
Mako482 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I've read a lot of comments from females on his MySpace page from a while ago, and it seems as though he's quite flaky in general, and bad at making and following through with plans, so it's not something I should take personally. Is that someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway? Either way I don't think having sex with this guy is the answer, why would you have sex with a guy who is sending you mixed signals? Make him earn that ass. You said he is cocky and confident, but then gave him an excuse that maybe he is insecure. Which is it? Are you really sure this guy isn't a player?
Lishy Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 IMO this is a simple case of 'he is not that into you' Joe, how can you tell her to sleep with him when he has only tried to kiss her once and is not exactly going out of his way to initiate more? You need to get in a guys head before you get in their bed! You know the difference when a guy is into you and when he is not that interested. And one question .... If he is cocky, sarcastic, flakey and showing no real interest, why are you wasting time with him??? Thing is... Am I just being silly? Is O sending me all the right signs that he's into me but just wants things to move slowly, and I'm just psycho analyzing every move he makes to death? Am I trying to rush things? Any insight would be great. No, O is not sending you the right signals. His signals are signalling that he is not that into you IMO. Surely you want more than what he is offering?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Is that someone you want to be in a relationship with anyway? Either way I don't think having sex with this guy is the answer, why would you have sex with a guy who is sending you mixed signals? Make him earn that ass. You said he is cocky and confident, but then gave him an excuse that maybe he is insecure. Which is it? Are you really sure this guy isn't a player? No, it isn't. I'm infuriated with myself. I met another guy and went out on a date with him this week... same on paper, same level of success and attractiveness and intelligence and humor, even the same first name. This other guy is NOT flaky. This other guy IS interested. This other guy is confident without being cocky. Guess what? I'm not nearly as into him as I am with the guy who's the subject of this thread... I HATE that. As for being a player - yeah, I'm fairly certain he's not, but one can never be so sure. I think he's oblivious to how his actions/words affect people, but I don't think he acts out of some manipulative place...it's more subconscious.
Mako482 Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 No, it isn't. I'm infuriated with myself. I met another guy and went out on a date with him this week... same on paper, same level of success and attractiveness and intelligence and humor, even the same first name. This other guy is NOT flaky. This other guy IS interested. This other guy is confident without being cocky. Guess what? I'm not nearly as into him as I am with the guy who's the subject of this thread... I HATE that. As for being a player - yeah, I'm fairly certain he's not, but one can never be so sure. I think he's oblivious to how his actions/words affect people, but I don't think he acts out of some manipulative place...it's more subconscious. Sounds to me like you have caught a case of "hard to get". You have a perfectly good guy right there for you but you want the one who is giving you a hard time lol. You girls trip me out lol. I wish ya luck, just don't sleep with the guy thinking that is going to win him over. Try and be better than that.
carhill Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I'm very interested in O, but his behavior gives me a good deal of anxiety because I don't really know if he's into me and just slow/guarded/emotionally in control, or just being receptive but unsure of how he feels, or even apathetic....or if he's intentionally playing games. OR if he's involved in something "complicated" such as having this sort of "relationship" with more someone else as well. Based on things I've observed, I'm fairly certain that he's dating at least one other person (or at least has been sometime during the time we've been seeing each other). While that stirs some jealousy in me, I'm okay with it as I'm doing the same...I just wish I were his favorite. Help me understand why you're interested in "O". Also, why you wish you were his favorite. I think most of this is about you, not him
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Sounds to me like you have caught a case of "hard to get". You have a perfectly good guy right there for you but you want the one who is giving you a hard time lol. You girls trip me out lol. I wish ya luck, just don't sleep with the guy thinking that is going to win him over. Try and be better than that. I often feel the same way. It's silly but it's the way it is. Can't fight who we're attracted to!
Kamille Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Hi SG! You know what strikes me here... You have only been seing each other for a month and yet it seems like you already feel the need to define just how into you he is. Why? It's only been a month, and from the sound of it, not many dates. You guys are still getting to know each other and he is sending you a lot of signals (flakiness, arrogance) that should make you wonder wheter or not you want to think of this guy as relationship material. Why not just have fun and keep things light and casual until he actually steps up and starts getting serious? And when you feel like you need to remind him of your existence, please take a step back and evaluate why you are investing so much energy in something that might be undermining the you that like you like to be. (Sound weird but I didn't know how else to put it... Basically, don't let anyone make you feel unimportant.)
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Help me understand why you're interested in "O". Also, why you wish you were his favorite. I think most of this is about you, not him He's charming, funny, intelligent, driven, ambitious, good at what he does, active, social...attractive too. All qualities I admire. But I think it comes down mostly to chemistry.
johan Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I don't remember being on a date with you, Star. When was this?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Hi SG! You know what strikes me here... You have only been seing each other for a month and yet it seems like you already feel the need to define just how into you he is. Why? Because if he's not into me, I'm wasting my time and energy... time and energy that can be spent on someone else. As much as I try (and do) date more than one guy at a time (CASUALLY!) I can't help but fixate on one at a time. It's only been a month, and from the sound of it, not many dates. You guys are still getting to know each other and he is sending you a lot of signals (flakiness, arrogance) that should make you wonder wheter or not you want to think of this guy as relationship material. That's something I'm wrestling with. If these qualities are personal to his feelings for me, then I'd move on quickly. If these qualities are what makes him, well, "him," I should probably question whether he'd be the right guy for me anyway. Problem is, I dig him big time. Why not just have fun and keep things light and casual until he actually steps up and starts getting serious? Oh, I TOTALLY agree. I want to keep things light and casual, but even with other guys where things are light and casual (i.e., my date last night) I have NO QUESTION that the guy likes me. Ya know? Again, I guess I'm more concerned about wasted time and getting my feelings hurt. (Sound weird but I didn't know how else to put it... Basically, don't let anyone make you feel unimportant.) That's exactly how I've been feeling each time he acts flaky. I need to take back control of that emotion.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 Sounds to me like you have caught a case of "hard to get". You have a perfectly good guy right there for you but you want the one who is giving you a hard time lol. You girls trip me out lol. I wish ya luck, just don't sleep with the guy thinking that is going to win him over. Try and be better than that. I know! I'm a little loco sometimes.
Kamille Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 It sounds to me like the problem here is that you are infatuated where he is happy to 'take things slow', whatever that means. Last night I had a conversation with three other friends: two of them contended we can't help who we fall for while my other friend and I defended that you can exert some control. I bring this up because I wonder how it is that you find yourself in the position of being infatuated with a guy who is sending you mixed signals. In your shoes (and I'm sure they're fabulous), I would step way back and let him show me he's interested. If he failed to convince me that he was, then I would consider it time for me to move on. There's no reason to hang on to a guy who always leaves you wondering.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Star, he's not invested yet, although it doesn't mean he's not into you. If at all possible, slow yourself down and let him make the moves. I do caution you to guard your heart, not necessarily because he might be a player but a man who's not invested, can easily walk away.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2008 Author Posted August 17, 2008 He just called and asked me out. Dude must be omniscient.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I've learned that mixed signals = not interested or only mildly interested in the case of most guys.
Ariadne Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Ok, This doesn't sound like true love or a love connection or anything like that. More like one of those blah relationships that you get sequentially one after he other. But if love is a number's games, you are on track.
norajane Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 I'm infuriated with myself. I met another guy and went out on a date with him this week... same on paper, same level of success and attractiveness and intelligence and humor, even the same first name. This other guy is NOT flaky. This other guy IS interested. This other guy is confident without being cocky. Guess what? I'm not nearly as into him as I am with the guy who's the subject of this thread... I HATE that. That's a sign that you are not as ready for a healthy, grown-up relationship as you think you are. When you really DO want to settle down, guys like this one you aren't feeling 'chemistry' with will start to seem very attractive to you. At some point, you really will have to start saying NO to the things that are not going to get you where you want to go so you have room to say YES to the things you want in your life. At some point, you will have to say YES to the guys who are capable of giving you what you want and NO to the guys who are not. But, you're not ready yet. If you were, flaky guys would not be nearly as appealing to you as they are.
carhill Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He's charming, funny, intelligent, driven, ambitious, good at what he does, active, social...attractive too. All qualities I admire. But I think it comes down mostly to chemistry. Yep, it's about you. Is this current dating behavior, indicative of as good as it ever will be, healthy for you and compatible with your personality and psyche? I ask you this because I can rattle off similar wonderful qualities about someone whom I've found myself to be completely incompatible with. We get along pretty well, because we both have these wonderful qualities, but there is no elemental understanding or connection. The relationship has dimension, but no volume. If you're looking for someone to have a LTR with or to be married to, please, please, please take your time and figure this very real and important dynamic out. I saw a lot of the same signs you're seeing back when I was dating and ignored them. Don't be me
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 He just called and asked me out. Dude must be omniscient. Good stuff!
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Ok, This doesn't sound like true love or a love connection or anything like that. More like one of those blah relationships that you get sequentially one after he other. But if love is a number's games, you are on track. They've been seeing each other a few times only. Making assumptions about "true love" or not doesn't seem to be appropriate at this time.
JoeNewbie Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 But, you're not ready yet. If you were, flaky guys would not be nearly as appealing to you as they are. I somewhat disagree with your assessment. I think that human beings by nature look for challenges. Some more than others, but overall this statement applies to all.
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