Check In: Withdrawals Day 4

[wildsoul]

I've been getting a lot from some of the other threads, but also want to do a check in so I don't go into isolation. My friends know I broke up with my guy, but I want to leave them out of my process. Yet I know that I better not get too isolated.

 

Getting you up to speed...

• Broke up with my MM 13 days ago because his separation process stopped when his wife lost her job.
  
• Made my 1st attempt at NC 7 days ago.
  
• He arrived at my home last Saturday and instead of sending him away, I let him stay. We talked about my decision to end the relationship because the separation ceased, butwe were also romantic and sexual. He did leave saying he understood what I told him I need (exclusive, out in the open, him formally separated.)
  

We are not in an "official" NC, but that is in effect what I am doing. I'm just not throwing the hammer down, as when I did that last week, it sent us both into such terrrible shock and withdrawals that we were both devastated and the NC didn't stick. I think I will probably declare an NC again, but for now, it's softer and mostly a process within myself.

 

For my part, I'm not contacting him. For his part, he has been giving me space. My instinct tells me that he doesn't want to trigger me into declaring a full NC again.

 

I'm a little bit triggered by 2 emails he sent last night. I am not responding to them, and feel no urge to. Instead, I'm posting here.

 

The first email was him saying he was in withdrawals from me. He mentioned all his longings to cuddle and laugh, etc. Said he was climbing the walls, lonely and frustrated w/o me. I take this at face value. Yes, it's withdrawals (the tip of the iceburg.)

 

The 2nd email was him doing his fantasy/future-talk thing with me. There was a SLIGHT change in it. Basically, the email was a list of places he wants to travel to with me. A loooong list. What was different is that he said "Within 3-5 years, we will go to these places together as a couple..."

 

I'm taking that to mean that he is trying to now imagine my scenario, which is to perhaps have a relationship together AFTER his divorce. In other words, he's fantasizing that in around 3 years we might be together.

 

He ended it with something about "I'm working on my plan."

 

My thoughts/feelings:

 

1. I'm savvy enough to know this is an escape fantasy, it doesn't mean it's a promise or that it will come true.

 

2. A little bit triggered with hope.

 

3. A little bit relieved because his fantasy at least takes place in the future when we are out in the open.

 

I didn't respond. Not going to. Trying to put it out of my mind. But needed to bring it up so I'm not dwelling on it today.

[Owl]

I'd fwd those emails on to his wife...but then again, I'm a vindictive bastage at times.

 

You really need to do a FULL NC with him if you want to heal and move on. Anything less is just going to drag this out and hurt you both a lot more. Like tearing the band aid off.

[whichwayisup]

The first email was him saying he was in withdrawals from me. He mentioned all his longings to cuddle and laugh, etc. Said he was climbing the walls, lonely and frustrated w/o me. I take this at face value. Yes, it's withdrawals (the tip of the iceburg.)

 

So, it's about him him and him. Forget the fact of what it might do to YOU hearing this stuff.

 

The 2nd email was him doing his fantasy/future-talk thing with me. There was a SLIGHT change in it. Basically, the email was a list of places he wants to travel to with me. A loooong list. What was different is that he said "Within 3-5 years, we will go to these places together as a couple..."

He shouldn't even go there and say that stuff seeing as he isn't separated and isn't doing anything right now to change his marital status. Pointless and honestly - It's self serving of his behalf, not yours. He isn't thinking how reading this is going to make you feel - Once again, it's about HIM!

 

3-5 years...Yeah you wanna wait that long? WTF.

 

I'm taking that to mean that he is trying to now imagine my scenario, which is to perhaps have a relationship together AFTER his divorce. In other words, he's fantasizing that in around 3 years we might be together.

So, what happens in the next 3 years? You stay the OW, put your life on hold for him, that he "might" divorce? There will always be some excuse as to why he can't leave, why it's not a good time. Soon it will be September, kids go back to school (can't remember if he has kids, exclude this is if he doesn't), Thanksgiving, Christmas, some family crisis, his health, her health - Always something to put his words into actions..

[whichwayisup]

2. A little bit triggered with hope.

 

3. A little bit relieved because his fantasy at least takes place in the future when we are out in the open.

 

But, no action has taken place. Only the fantasy has changed abit. Wishful thinking..

 

Please don't get your hopes up. 3 years is a LONG TIME to put your life on hold for someone who says he'll leave. If he wants to be with you and only you, it won't take him 3-5 years to do just that!

[mytruelove]

thanks for letting us know what is going on.

 

i say it is okay to keep hope, but move on with your life and keep living at all costs.

 

i know i'm definitely not going to put all my eggs in one basket based on a shread of hope...at least i hope i'm smart enough not to and strong enough not to... kwim?

[Jumbo]

Windsoul...Sorry to hear that you are going thru all this. Stick to your guns...with what you need from him and do not settle....that is the only way you can be equal.

 

If you have not already tell him your expectations and if he can not meet them...NC. ....and find the guy who will. Don't waste as much time as i did...I understand how hard it is to have to walk away...I am living it now.

[dylanatalanta]

I've been getting a lot from some of the other threads, but also want to do a check in so I don't go into isolation. My friends know I broke up with my guy, but I want to leave them out of my process. Yet I know that I better not get too isolated.

 

 

Getting you up to speed...

• Broke up with my MM 13 days ago because his separation process stopped when his wife lost her job.
  
• Made my 1st attempt at NC 7 days ago.
  
• He arrived at my home last Saturday and instead of sending him away, I let him stay. We talked about my decision to end the relationship because the separation ceased, butwe were also romantic and sexual. He did leave saying he understood what I told him I need (exclusive, out in the open, him formally separated.)
  

We are not in an "official" NC, but that is in effect what I am doing. I'm just not throwing the hammer down, as when I did that last week, it sent us both into such terrrible shock and withdrawals that we were both devastated and the NC didn't stick. I think I will probably declare an NC again, but for now, it's softer and mostly a process within myself.

 

For my part, I'm not contacting him. For his part, he has been giving me space. My instinct tells me that he doesn't want to trigger me into declaring a full NC again.

 

I'm a little bit triggered by 2 emails he sent last night. I am not responding to them, and feel no urge to. Instead, I'm posting here.

 

The first email was him saying he was in withdrawals from me. He mentioned all his longings to cuddle and laugh, etc. Said he was climbing the walls, lonely and frustrated w/o me. I take this at face value. Yes, it's withdrawals (the tip of the iceburg.)

 

The 2nd email was him doing his fantasy/future-talk thing with me. There was a SLIGHT change in it. Basically, the email was a list of places he wants to travel to with me. A loooong list. What was different is that he said "Within 3-5 years, we will go to these places together as a couple..."

 

I'm taking that to mean that he is trying to now imagine my scenario, which is to perhaps have a relationship together AFTER his divorce. In other words, he's fantasizing that in around 3 years we might be together.

 

He ended it with something about "I'm working on my plan."

 

My thoughts/feelings:

 

1. I'm savvy enough to know this is an escape fantasy, it doesn't mean it's a promise or that it will come true.

 

2. A little bit triggered with hope.

 

3. A little bit relieved because his fantasy at least takes place in the future when we are out in the open.

 

I didn't respond. Not going to. Trying to put it out of my mind. But needed to bring it up so I'm not dwelling on it today.

 

I am in no position to give advice.......can't even stick to what I know I should be doing!!

 

But I think that we have to get to the point where deep down there isn't a little niggle, hoping that he will contact, how can we be ready for NC when we are constantly looking at our phones, e-mails to see if his name pops up.

 

Sorry if I am wrong, just how I see it, cuz that's where I am now, but at least I suppose I have got to the point where it's finally sinking in that this man is no good for me!!

 

Do you feel the same? or am I talking nonsense?

[Jumbo]

 

But I think that we have to get to the point where deep down there isn't a little niggle, hoping that he will contact, how can we be ready for NC when we are constantly looking at our phones, e-mails to see if his name pops up.

 

Sorry if I am wrong, just how I see it, cuz that's where I am now, but at least I suppose I have got to the point where it's finally sinking in that this man is no good for me!!

 

Do you feel the same? or am I talking nonsense?

 

 

 

That is what make NC tough....I still have hope that my MW will drive up/call/whatever and say she was so wrong that I am the one....it lessons with time and i am starting to see her in a different light 4/5 months into NC after 7 years......the advice here is correct...go nc if you are not getting what you need and deserve.

[wildsoul]

Blech. He also just sent me a series of horny emails. For a moment there, I thought he might be understanding my boundary about no more cheating.

 

WWIU: Yes, it's really in my face today. This is blatantly all about HIM.

 

Owl: I've never had contact with his W and don't intend to.

 

Mytruelove: Thanks, hon. (((hugs)))

 

Jumbo: Time. Time. Don't waste time. (I'm repeating you in my head.)

 

dylanatlanta: Guilty as charged about checking for communications. I had taken him off my IM list, but then have toggled it back on a couple times too. When I did, I noticed that his status messages have been little hooks for me. Yesterday it said, "Working on a plan." Today it said, "Creating action list." HOOKS. He's referring to his get-a-divorce planning in a vague, hope she reads it, but can't call me out on it way. Ugh. My obsession is flaring up again today.

 

Yeppers. I know I have to do the full NC. He had asked me to not close lines of communication down completely. I tenatively hoped that he wouldn't try hooking me back into the A. Hoping for him to honor a soft boundary like that is not going to work. Hell, hoping for him to honor a hard boundary isn't going to work. I've got to be the one to set and enforce the boundary.

 

I'm sad about those horny emails. One reason is that it painfully illustrates that he is just selfishly wanting to use me to get off, and not caring one bit about MY feelings. And the other reason is that it forces me towards setting a hard NC.

 

It's pushing me back down into the actual pain again, as well as the fear of withdrawal pains. I was feeling a little bit better over the last 3 days (compared to last week when I was in utter despair.) Since I got those emails today, I've been distracted with sadness and this mess instead of getting work done. Ugh.

[Jumbo]

Its a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts and will be....but in the end the ride will be over and you will walk away.

 

Stay strong girl...You are in my thoughts.

 

Hug, hug , hug

[whichwayisup]

Blech. He also just sent me a series of horny emails. For a moment there, I thought he might be understanding my boundary about no more cheating.

 

WWIU: Yes, it's really in my face today. This is blatantly all about HIM.

 

Yes, he is really pouring it on. Yuck - I can't believe he sent you horny emails after everything that's just happened! Talk about selfish, and yes it is all about HIM.

 

Your pain will hurt, it's okay to cry and feel down, to miss what you two shared - BUT, once you really start to heal, close your heart off to him bit by bit, I bet you'll smile more and feel better - And know that you've done the right thing.

[LakesideDream]

Breaking up like you are is seldom easy. Everybody gets hurt, even those who are only "associated" and don't actually know what's going on.

 

All you can do is continue to think good thoughts, stay positive, and protect yourself as best you can.

 

LS is a great place to vent and discuss your feelings. Thinks will get better eventually, they always do.

 

Take care.

[wildsoul]

So I hymned and hawed around a lot about what to do. I was going to just go NC without telling him. But then I found myself hesitating at deleting him off my Yahoo IM.

 

All week, I've togged the "appear permanently offline" switch on/off. The problem with that program & feature is that while I look offline to him, I can still see his status. Also this week, he was leaving what appeared to be little hooks for me. His status yesterday was "Working on a plan," and today was "creating an action list." I suspect he was trying to make it look like he's working on his D plan, yanno? It was triggering me. Plus, I can tell when he goes mobile phone, and that triggers me too. Ugh.

 

Since I couldn't hit the delete button due to my weakness, I called him up to discuss NC.

 

First I addressed the horny emails. He was expecting me to be pissed about those, and figured that's why I was calling. Told him it was selfish and inappropriate. Okay fine. He said he won't send more. He said he'll try not to email me at all, but doesn't know if he can help himself. He said to delete him and not read them in that case.

 

Then we got into discussing the heart of our dillemma again. That I can't be in an affair. He feels he needs to give his wife (and self) time to get their finances fixed before he can D. We love each other, but boo hoo it's futile.

 

We talked about NC. Honestly, I still sugar coated (as is my way) and didn't put the hammer down.

 

I kept trying to leave the door for the future open after a break. He kept talking about the future too, but when he sensed that I was not going to continue the A "until he's divorced" then he'd take away the future too. Make sense? I'm not sure I'm explaining well. But in sales lingo, they call that "the takeaway." I was feeling manipulated. Didn't like it.

 

We got off the phone. No resolution, as there isn't one.

• He can't give me what I want, which is a committed monogamous relationship, not an affair.
  
• I can't give him what he wants, which is an affair right now. He says he wants the long term thing with me too, but the reality is: what he is actually able to give me is an affair.
  

After getting back to my desk, I saw him on my Yahoo IM, and realized I'd chickened out on mentioning that part. So I just sent him a message and told him it was too hard to see him on there, and that I needed to delete him for now. He replied that he understood.

 

Actions taken:

1. The NC phonecall. Yeah, a little sugar coated, but I did it.

 

2. Deleted him off my Yahoo IM.

 

3. Disabled the notification function on my gmail account (that I mostly just use for him.)

 

Yes, I could go an extra measure and filter his mail to be deleted, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm ashamed at my weakness, but I did take some steps by turning off the notification device.

 

I feel really sad now, and judging how weak I am. So please go easy on me. I am good about taking in feedback, but I feel like a 5 year old who lost her puppy at this moment. Fragile and alone.

[OpenBook]

Honey, he ain't no puppy.

 

I bet he's sitting back in his chair right now, feeling all smug, fat and sassy. He got YOU to call him!! What a Smooth Operator. Yeah, whatever. Blech!! [OpenBook hocks a lugie]

 

This man is playing you like a fiddle. He thinks he's got you right where he wants you. He is actually ENJOYING this. He knows this is torturing you.

 

The really ironic part about the whole thing is, YOU'RE the one sitting in the catbird seat, not him!

 

You're young, you're beautiful, you have your Sweet Precious Freedom (lucky girl!!), and your whole upcoming life is stretched out before you like a wide open highway (many adventures await!!). He, on the other hand, is trapped in every way a person can be trapped. SO ironic that he is manipulating you into believing that HE'S the one that's got it all.

 

I think it's time you started using those Angel Wings of yours. You were born to fly, not sit around slumped over a computer screen. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. You're not supposed to be here, in this situation. Being in love should make you happy. Hell, just being ALIVE should make you happy.

 

Get away from the source of your pain, until your head clears and your emotions are under control. Then you will be able to see what to do.

[wildsoul]

You're young, you're beautiful, you have your Sweet Precious Freedom (lucky girl!!), and your whole upcoming life is stretched out before you like a wide open highway (many adventures await!!). He, on the other hand, is trapped in every way a person can be trapped. SO ironic that he is manipulating you into believing that HE'S the one that's got it all.

 

I think it's time you started using those Angel Wings of yours. You were born to fly, not sit around slumped over a computer screen. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. You're not supposed to be here, in this situation. Being in love should make you happy. Hell, just being ALIVE should make you happy.

 

OpenBook: I <3 you.

 

I'm taking it ALL in.

Particularly noteworthy is your comment that "just being ALIVE" should make me happy. When this guy was separating (or it seemed so) and we were together, I was the happiest I'd been in years. But after his situation backsliding and me grappling with issues of integrity and the frustration built into the dynamic, I've been very unhappy. Last week, after breaking up with him, I kept crying out (to myself and god) how much I hated life...and I meant it.

 

Long long ago, I had bone crushing depressions (abusive childhood stuff.) It took me years to get that to go away, through meditation and lots of personal work. Dipping into this situation brought me back to a level of pain that scared me. Bad ghosts.

 

I need to ask my angels for help. All I've been doing is yelling at them lately. I can't fly on my own.

 

Thank you again.

[OpenBook]

I need to ask my angels for help.

 

Always a smart move. <<<Hugs>>>

[astra77]

Honey, he ain't no puppy.

 

I bet he's sitting back in his chair right now, feeling all smug, fat and sassy. He got YOU to call him!! What a Smooth Operator. Yeah, whatever. Blech!! [OpenBook hocks a lugie]

 

This man is playing you like a fiddle. He thinks he's got you right where he wants you. He is actually ENJOYING this. He knows this is torturing you.

 

The really ironic part about the whole thing is, YOU'RE the one sitting in the catbird seat, not him!

 

You're young, you're beautiful, you have your Sweet Precious Freedom (lucky girl!!), and your whole upcoming life is stretched out before you like a wide open highway (many adventures await!!). He, on the other hand, is trapped in every way a person can be trapped. SO ironic that he is manipulating you into believing that HE'S the one that's got it all.

 

I think it's time you started using those Angel Wings of yours. You were born to fly, not sit around slumped over a computer screen. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. You're not supposed to be here, in this situation. Being in love should make you happy. Hell, just being ALIVE should make you happy.

 

Get away from the source of your pain, until your head clears and your emotions are under control. Then you will be able to see what to do.

 

I have just wept my eyes out at this.

 

Sorry, just reading this now, ive been asleep here in OZ.

[astra77]

 

You're young, you're beautiful, you have your Sweet Precious Freedom (lucky girl!!), and your whole upcoming life is stretched out before you like a wide open highway (many adventures await!!). He, on the other hand, is trapped in every way a person can be trapped. SO ironic that he is manipulating you into believing that HE'S the one that's got it all.

 

I think it's time you started using those Angel Wings of yours. You were born to fly, not sit around slumped over a computer screen. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. You're not supposed to be here, in this situation. Being in love should make you happy. Hell, just being ALIVE should make you happy.

 

I wrote words VERY similar to these in my break up email to my xmm, about 3 months ago - i dont count the days since i left cause it was so overwhelming at week 7 that i had a mental meltdown, and have since decided that counting is killing me, so i just dont do it, for me NC is alot easier now, but of course still very very hard. EXACTLY MY THOUGHTS A THE TIME - I had forgotten what i had written coz i deleted the email.

 

Having a bad day today - needed to hear this - still in FULL NC with xmm- 1 month after telling H. IM PROUD OF ME TODAY, patting my back

 

while we are at it, lets all give OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER

 

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[astra77]

wild soul i am weeping for you, for me, for all of us.

 

My god why does this happen to people, its destruction destruction destruction.

 

no one should have to go through this - ever.

 

im so scared right now. its all flooding back