Daisyloo Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I met a man back in 2006 and fell for him immediately. I learned from colleagues and friends that he was unhappily married and at home for his children. After we initially met he contacted me and we became friends, then this grew into a relationship. He left home several weeks later and lived alone for a few months but missed his children dreadfully and went home. He has told impartial friends and me that he did the wrong thing in going back because he is more unhappy than ever but doesn't want to hurt his children further. He says he wants to leave and to be with me and will do when he feels the time is right and the children will cope but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. Many people know of our relationship so he is at constant risk of being 'caught' but none the less he doesn't 'hide' me except for not speaking to me on the phone when he is in home with his children or wife. His wife and him work opposite shifts so rarely see each other and at weekends he is normally with me so I know they are not 'together' in any sense other than living in a house together for the children. His wife knew about me when he left home but wanted him home for the children and because she didn't want to be alone. I know I could perhaps meet someone else who could offer me more but my problem is that I don't want to. Is there ANYone out there who has been in a similar situation which HAS worked out for them or am I just nuts? Thanks Xxx
GreenEyedLady Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I have been with my honey for three and half years. He and his XW separated at the beginning of this year. It does happen. But honestly, mine didn't make the move until he realized I was moving on and I wouldn't look back. If he knows that you'll stay without him having to D, he will never leave. It's too easy for him to get exactly what he wants (without all the repurcussions of leaving) by staying married to her and being with you. There's no incentive for him to leave while you happily stand by. I know it's hard to feel like you'll lose the man you love. But do you really have him the way you want to? GEL
Author Daisyloo Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Green eyed lady - I suppose I'm scared that if I back off he'll think I'm losing interest and not want to risk leaving his kids in case I've moved on. Did you tell your man you would wait? Did you stay in touch? I'm so frightened of losing him.
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I think you'll have to leave it like it is.. I doubt he will leave his children.. imagine if a mother would have to leave her children for another man.. I doubt she would.. it's the same for men.. they are torn between the woman they love and the love of their life, their children... If you can,t wait for him .. I say move on.. otherwise.. only he knows what's best for his children and himself.
Angel1111 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 The fact that he and his wife aren't together that often probably takes a lot of the sting out of his marriage because he doesn't have to deal with her that much.
ioncebelieved Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Well the thing is I was involved almost 2 years with my MW. I can tell from my experience, your mileage may vary, but when people are involved in an affair it becomes hard to believe anything they say. I heard the unhappiness part and mine has been married for almost 19 years now I guess and she has no children. I started NC a month ago today as a matter of fact. She told me she is now happy when I spoke with her last. She also said she was only happy about 5 of the 19 years of being married and I hate the fact since he found out about me early on HE PUT on an act to make her so called happy again. I told you the above to say this. If your MM wanted to be with you, that's where he would be!!! You have about half year more invested than I did. I for one always believe I stay for the kids is generally an excuse. That is easy for me to say since I as well have NO KIDS. The fact of the matter is if I had kids and was unhappy at home after trying, I would ultimately go where my heart was telling me. Which means I would leave my wife. I would still remain a GREAT FATHER whether or not I lived at home or not. Now there could be a case where your MM just can't afford to leave and I have no way of knowing. For me it is quite simple as it is for you. You know your MM has two lives and it continues this way because you allow it. I allowed mine for about 22 months too long. This whole entire year I tried NC several times only to be back into her grasps. I hate to say give an ultimatum because those are never good.... but eventually you will ONLY FIND you are still second best!! Now if mine were to try and come back (LDR over 360 miles away too) she would have to work her ass off and show me rather than tell me. I LOVE HER WITH EVERYTHING IN ME AND WOULD WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH HER, but she is where she wants to be for the present time. My love is so great for her I would take her back ONLY if she proved herself.
Author Daisyloo Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 Yeah I know. I trust so much but I also doubt so much. There are things I KNOW and things I just believe. I guess having invested so much time I don't want to give it up. Need to find strength and conviction from somewhere deep within. Thank you Xx
ioncebelieved Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Yeah I know. I trust so much but I also doubt so much. There are things I KNOW and things I just believe. I guess having invested so much time I don't want to give it up. Need to find strength and conviction from somewhere deep within. Thank you Xx That is something I struggle with still. I mean they seem perfect other than not being with you full time and being married. I guess the thing I never thought too much about was what would she be like if we were together more. Keep trusting and you will still be where you are! You want to believe them, but they are liars!!! Truly a tough situation you have and know all about it!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Green eyed lady - I suppose I'm scared that if I back off he'll think I'm losing interest and not want to risk leaving his kids in case I've moved on. Did you tell your man you would wait? Did you stay in touch? I'm so frightened of losing him. The funny thing is that if you back off, they come and find you. I never said I would wait. In fact he asked me how long was I gonna put up with this (in the beginning) and I said until I felt like not doing it anymore. And when I couldn't stand feeling guilty and was sick of feeling hurt I broke it off. But he couldn't stay away. And he told me that he would leave by the end of the year. I was ok with that (I myself am divorced and it took me about a year to execute my plan so I know it takes time.) I felt like I had given them the chance to work it out if they were going to and he chose not to do that. But then in September he said he couldn't do it by then and I told him goodbye. That lasted about 2 weeks and now we're living together and things have gone as smoothly as one could hope for considering the circumstances. I waited and weathered the R because I know he's the one. I was willing to give him up if he could not meet my needs. For a partner who is with me, only. Who is not committed to another on paper. I knew that he was a good man who made mistakes and hurt people in the process. I forgave him for hurting me. I know that we will have a successful R and that we are committed to our R and to our family. If I had doubted even an ounce that he was really for me, I would not have waited. You need to decide why you want him to leave. You need to figure out if you really love him and if you see yourself with him in the future. If you are not a priority for him, he will not leave. And you should not accept not being a priority. He should be your partner. He should worry about your well-being, whether you're happy. He should not worry about doing the bare minimum to keep you from leaving. You will never get what you want unless you demand it and then follow through. Now I stayed with him during the transition and the filing. I am not one of the people who say not to go back until the ink is dry. That takes too long and I'm happy to be making memories with him and our family now. But first, I would decide if he's really the one for you. Does he have similar values, background, education, family expectations? Are you two compatible out of the bedroom? A smoking hot sex life is important in a R (believe me I know ) but you have to have the friendship and shared interests to really sustain the R. That's just my 2 cents. Don't be afraid to go for what you want. Life is not a do-over. GEL
ioncebelieved Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Don't be afraid to go for what you want. Life is not a do-over. GEL I agree with this wholeheartedly...only thing being you can only go after what you want for so long until you finally realize it will NEVER be anything else than an affair! For so long I tried and tired of that approach with being left with NEXT TO NOTHING. Even though I have moved on to a degree, I still have that hope that keeps me holding on. I do NC for me as it is the only option I have left and maybe my MW will finally realize what she had in me. Even today marks 30 days for me, I am in hopes that me cutting contact and stop chasing her will allow her to make her on mind up with any pressure from me.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I have a question... If you are looking for the opinions and advice of those who HAVE succeed in their bad deeds, would that actually be a honest answer to your situation or would it be justification in the continuance of what is wrong? My advice, having been one who has been in an affair... There are better people out there and it is not worth your morals to gain love under false and despicable circumstances. It is just a matter of saying you are above the situation and that you deserve better than what your getting. DNR
GreenEyedLady Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I agree with this wholeheartedly...only thing being you can only go after what you want for so long until you finally realize it will NEVER be anything else than an affair! You totally misunderstand me. When I said go for what you want, that means an exclusive R, without being 2nd best. I didn't mean to decide you want a person. If it's meant to be, the person you're with figures it out. If it's not, then you move on. GEL
bish Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Green eyed lady - I suppose I'm scared that if I back off he'll think I'm losing interest and not want to risk leaving his kids in case I've moved on. So basically you are hoping he leaves his kids?
ioncebelieved Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 You totally misunderstand me. When I said go for what you want, that means an exclusive R, without being 2nd best. I didn't mean to decide you want a person. If it's meant to be, the person you're with figures it out. If it's not, then you move on. GEL Yeah, I think I did!!! I am all for going after what you want, but after enough time nothing has changed you gotta move on.
OWoman Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 So basically you are hoping he leaves his kids? Why would it mean leaving his kids? He'd likely share them, or he might even get them full time.
bish Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Why would it mean leaving his kids? He'd likely share them, or he might even get them full time. ask Daisy, she is the one that said it. And as a father that get visitation, but is not the custodial parent, it IS losing his kids. Unless you are in that situation, you don't know what it feels like. and the father getting them full time? Ya, fat chance of that. The mother would have to be a real scumbag for a father to get custody, and even then it is too tough to do.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am wondering why people automatically say someone "leaves" their kids when a M ends. You don't leave your kids. You leave your spouse.
OWoman Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am wondering why people automatically say someone "leaves" their kids when a M ends. You don't leave your kids. You leave your spouse. Exactly. And in most cases, relationships with the kids improve, because the parent can focus on the kids without being distracted by bad vibes with the spouse.
twice_shy Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am wondering why people automatically say someone "leaves" their kids when a M ends. You don't leave your kids. Try looking at it from the kids' POV. I know a guy to this day some 15 years later that won't speak to his mother because he felt she left the family for a "piece of ass".
angie2443 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Try looking at it from the kids' POV. I know a guy to this day some 15 years later that won't speak to his mother because he felt she left the family for a "piece of ass". Yep, this is how most people I know who've been in this situation see it. Now, from what I've seen, the parent who cheats does not love and respect their children (feeling attatched to the kids is not the same thing as love, although many think it is). I feel, that it is best for the children in these situations for the parent to leave and never come back. It will hurt them at first, but in the end their minds will be less messed up then if the straying parent tries to be in their life in some way.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am wondering why people automatically say someone "leaves" their kids when a M ends. You don't leave your kids. You leave your spouse. You leave your kids daily lives and being a part of it all under one roof as a family.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I feel, that it is best for the children in these situations for the parent to leave and never come back. It will hurt them at first, but in the end their minds will be less messed up then if the straying parent tries to be in their life in some way. You've to be kidding me. Oh, yes abandonment is much preferable to visitation. **SHEESH**
GreenEyedLady Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 You leave your kids daily lives and being a part of it all under one roof as a family. In my experience, are they really in their kids lives daily? Being in their lives daily is more than kissing them goodnight. When the kids are with them 24 hours a day for their weekend, they actually spend the time with them. I know that's the case with my XH and our kids. He sees them more now that we're divorced than he did when we lived together. There are actual reasons people get divorced. And quite frankly I'd rather model a healthy relationship for my kids than a dysfunctional one just because we share a similar gene pool.
Lizzie60 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I am wondering why people automatically say someone "leaves" their kids when a M ends. You don't leave your kids. You leave your spouse. Unless you have joint custody.. you are leaving them if you have them every second weekend and one evening a week.. (typical father custody here).. I don't know too many mothers who would accept that..
bish Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Yep, this is how most people I know who've been in this situation see it. Now, from what I've seen, the parent who cheats does not love and respect their children (feeling attatched to the kids is not the same thing as love, although many think it is). I agree with the above. I feel, that it is best for the children in these situations for the parent to leave and never come back. It will hurt them at first, but in the end their minds will be less messed up then if the straying parent tries to be in their life in some way. But I don't agree with this. Even if a parent shows complete disregard for his/her children, they should still be there for them if the kids want them around. The kids will decide on their own whether they want the other parent around. And if they are too young to make that call, but still old enough to resent the cheating parent, then the rebellion will begin.
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