What to say when ending emotional affair?

[FitMomma]

I've been lurking for a few weeks, and have found support both here and in the book "Not 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass. But I am in need of some...validation??...and help.

 

Long story short.....

~Married five years this May, he has a 9 year old daughter, we have a two year old son, and I am 20 weeks pregnant.

~Husband began a friendship with a coworker just over two months ago. They texted each other over 100x per week, plus phone calls. I had no idea, never even heard her name.

~I found out thanks to our $200 cell phone bill four weeks ago this weekend. We began counseling immediately at my insistence. We've had good days and bad days together, but he still felt there was room for their friendship in our marriage because they were "just friends." He also refused to share her friendship with me, hid phone calls, and other small lies.

~Monday of this week I found what he claims is the first love note from her to him. (And he refuses to admit that she is now in love with him.) I insisted immediately that the friendship end, period. Monday and Tuesday were rough - he told her the friendship was over, but was hostile and made it clear to me that both of them were upset about having to give it up. His mood subtly shifted, however, and the past two days have been very good - we've had fun, and I actually felt a bit of that anxiety go down.

~This morning, at 4am, thanks to a gut nagging I couldn't let go of, I investigated the calls on his Nextel (work phone), and found that he had hidden her cell number under another coworkers name, and was still talking to her.

~When he woke up, we talked. He apologized profusely for lying once again, and could not answer what made him do that. He said he just wanted to talk to his friend, and thought he was protecting me - which he acknowledged that we just talked about that in therapy yesterday, and how lying to protect me was worse than telling me the truth. Unlike Monday and Tuesday, he was incredibly remorseful this morning, but when I asked him what we should do now, he said he did not know.

 

I think he should call her, in my presence, when he gets home from work, and very shortly and to the point tell her that under no uncertain terms, their friendship is over.

 

What is the best thing for him to say to her at this point? He told her on Monday it was over, but then continued to talk to her. I suspect she will protest, and say, "but we're just friends," "it's not fair," "why," "I'm going to miss talking to you," etc. My husband is not a confrontational person, he is actually very gentle and kind, and while I don't want to give him a script, I know he has no idea how to do this so that he's firm and clear with her.

 

 

Thank you for reading/listening. This has been a month from hell, being pregnant makes it that much worse. We are both committed to making this marriage work, still very much love each other, but I can't understand why he continues to hurt me, and am not sure how much more deception I am willing to take. His inability to face the reality of their friendship frustrates me to no end! It makes me doubt my thoughts and feelings....maybe I am the one who's wrong here.

 

OK, I told myself I wouldn't go on .....I'd appreciate feedback!

[Owl]

Even if its "just friends" (which you know its not), he should tell her that the friendship is destroying his marriage, and he's making this choice...along with you...to rebuild his MARRIAGE as his number one priority. Given that, there should be no further contact AT ALL, EVER AGAIN, between her and him. He's made the choice to work on his marriage, and this is the way it is. PERIOD.

 

Writing it up in an email or letter is a good thing...and ensure that she gets this message clearly from the BOTH of you (copied on the email, or whatever).

 

She can try to play the game of "just friends" if she wants...it doesn't matter what you "call" the relationship...its destroying your marriage. He's made the choice to rebuild the marriage...and the first step is ending this relationship.

 

Take a look at all the free literature over on the marriagebuilders website...lots of good information on how to deal with things from here. Check out "Surviving an Affair" as well.

[FitMomma]

Owl, thanks your quick response! I've seen in my few weeks here that you have been there and done that, and your advice is appreciated.

 

I take from your message that you are suggesting an email or letter instead of a phone call? Just wondering why you suggest a letter rather than phone call. I was concerned that if she knew I was involved in the call/communication, she would think that I was forcing my husband rather than it sound like he was doing it voluntarily.

 

Also, the no contact, ever is not possible. They work on a construction site together - he's a foreman, she's a safety coordinator. I don't believe they have to communicate very much for work purposes, but no contact ever is not possible. This is an ongoing concern - obviously!

[Lizzie60]

Sorry Fit.. but nothing will make them stop if they don't want to...

 

The message, email, phone call.. can be 'fixed' between them just to calm you down... so that's no guarantee that they would end their A.

 

Your H is lying to you and IMO is having a full blown A with her.. you should consider packing your things.. sorry..

[grogster]

That they work together and have bonded makes your job extremely difficult. Many EA's begin as collegial work relationships. Work-based opposite sex friendship, not drunken nights on the town, is the Affair Gateway.

 

What should you do. Your options are limited so long as they continue to work together. You may want to see if your H can get another job. Somehow, someway, you must separate those two.

 

My best guess is that they're addicted to one another: they confide, confess, converse and do everything but cohabit.

 

You have been replaced as The Woman in your husband's life.

 

I'm sorry.

[2sunny]

if anyone is to move out - it should be HIM. she didn't betray him.

 

i would ask him to pack his stuff (or pack it for him) and tell him to take some time to figure out where his alliances wants to be.

 

he has betrayed you. he continues to betray you especially since he is hiding it even further.

 

don't make it easy for him to just think that this will just continue on with you pretending like it's all fine. his subliminal message will be that you will tolerate this behavior.

 

you are better than that.

[Owl]

I recommend a letter or an email over a phone call because you can save it and refer to it later if need be.

 

Its also not "direct contact" which needs to end ASAP.

 

As far as the NC goes...point blank, straight up...there is no chance for your marriage to recover while they still work together.

 

It sets the stage for the affair to continue behind your back.

 

It never forces the two of them to "do without" each other, and they never go through the "withdrawl phase"...they never truly go through the grieving process of ending the affair. Contact of ANY kind will prevent them from doing so...and prevent the affair from truly and completely healing.

 

And...you'll never be able to rebuild your trust in him while they're still working together. How can he PROVE to you that he's behaving now...when he's still working with her? He can't...and that's the crux of your problem.

 

If you truly want to have your marriage recover...one or the other is going to have to leave that job site. Read "Surviving an Affair" to get an idea on what all I'm talking about. Take a look over on the marriagebuilders website...go through their free material. You'll get a better understanding of what needs to happen in order to really recover your marriage.

[angie2443]

FitMomma, my situation had some simmilarities to yours. If he doesn't switch jobs and doesn't discontinue communication with this other woman, divorce him. I know it's hard, but your spirit along with your children's will slowly die if this situation continues. The one power you have is to leave him if he doesn't quit his behavior ASAP.

 

Wanted to add, do now let him gaslight you into thinking they are just friends. Trust your instincts 100%.

[FitMomma]

I appreciate the advice to leave ASAP if this continues, but I am following the advice in the "Not Just Friends" book that reiterates the need to give this more than just a few weeks before deciding to leave. If we are to work on us at all, that will be difficult to do if we are in two separate places. I spoke with our counselor this morning, and got some good advice as far as what I can do....I agree, if he's going to continue, I cannot control that, I can only control myself.

 

I expect that this will not be the last communication between them, no matter what - the few steps forward, few steps back idea. I don't feel I'm being a fool for weathering this if I truly believe (as I do) that he wants to remain married and happy with me. However, I do not believe him at all when it comes to her and their relationship.

 

I will stress that there can be no contact. However, the way his job operates, it's not as easy as just switching jobs. He works through a union, he gets his placement through them. I would expect that since she's an actual employee of the company he works for, as opposed to a contracted union employee as he is, it would be easier for her to leave her job than him. I will bring that up, and if need be, have thought about discussing this with his mentor/boss, who is also a family friend. Wouldn't it be great if she could get transferred to another job site. My husband cannot without irreparably damaging his union status. (And since this is our only income, that's not something I can take lightly.)

 

I actually feel stronger today than I have in four weeks. I know, deep down, that I will be OK no matter what. I have been rebuilding my support network steadily over the past few weeks, and know that my sons and I will be taken care of. I have reentered activities for me that I had let go, I'm working out, pursuing interests I'd stopped, etc. There will come a point, however, if he continues to deceive, that I will no longer be able to stay. I don't feel that I've reached that point, however, only four weeks in to the discovery.

[Owl]

I will stress that there can be no contact. However, the way his job operates, it's not as easy as just switching jobs. He works through a union, he gets his placement through them. I would expect that since she's an actual employee of the company he works for, as opposed to a contracted union employee as he is, it would be easier for her to leave her job than him. I will bring that up, and if need be, have thought about discussing this with his mentor/boss, who is also a family friend. Wouldn't it be great if she could get transferred to another job site. My husband cannot without irreparably damaging his union status. (And since this is our only income, that's not something I can take lightly.)

 

I get this. I understand that this may put you and your family in a precarious financial situation.

 

Which is your family, your marriage, more likely to survive...financial hardship, or him continuing his affair? The stress of his being forced to look for a new job, or the stress of your never being able to rebuild your trust in him whenever he goes out the door to his job?

 

I'm not saying he has to quit today...that would be foolish.

 

But perhaps he needs to start putting in for a new position at another job site today? Start looking for other opportunities that would allow your marriage to survive, as opposed to coming up with all the reasons he CAN'T do what you and your marriage need him to do in order to make it? Does his union have other job sites that he could be working at instead of the same one she's at? Could he transfer instead of quit?

 

I'd rather risk going back to eating potato soup six nights a week than to set the stage for another affair. But that's my take on it...your mileage may differ. Its something to think about. Check out that book I recommended to you as a second read after Shirley Glass.

[FitMomma]

Owl, I can appreciate what you are saying. Please do not think that I am in denial or dismissing what you are saying. I do agree that NO CONTACT is imperative. I will work with him to explore other work opportunities within his union. Right now, he's only a few weeks into this phase of the construction project (though he's been onsite since the beginning of the year), and the union expects him to be the foreman for this phase through the end of the year. The overall project is expected to continue through the rest of '09, and it is assumed that if he is successful with this foremanship, he will get another one for the next phase.

 

I also wanted to let you know that I've thought about the letter vs. phone call, and now indeed see that wisdom. It eliminates the opportunity for her to misinterpret what he's saying (his words are saying this, but his tone of voice is saying something else.) It allows him to get exactly out what needs to get out without her interrupting him. And by copying me on it, it makes it clear that he and I are a united front and indeed in this together.

 

So we will work on that together, and get that out this weekend. Thank you for that suggestion.

 

Also - let me be clear - I am assuming the worst as this point. While he claims no physical contact, I have NO reason to believe him. I am prepared for that. I believe my husband has deep down issues that he must face to understand why he feels so addicted to this relationship - this will be incredibly difficult for both of us. I have no rose-colored glasses on. However, we owe it to each other to exhaust our resources before we give up.

[Owl]

Realize that affairs are by their very nature, addictive. Its not deep seated issues that keep him going back...its very much the fact that he's addicted to the affair.

 

The only way to get past that kind of addiction is COLD-TURKEY. Hence the clamoring you're seeing for full and complete NC. It will likely take weeks...more likely MONTHS, of NC before he begins to break that addiction.

 

It sounds to me like you've got a grasp here...just remember this as well...this is a marathon...not a sprint. It IS going to take a lot of time and effort for your marriage to recover.

[grogster]

As someone who has been there, the cheater not the victim, I know what your husband is most likely feeling. An Affair is the crack cocaine of romance: it is "love" on steroids. He will go through months of withdrawal--once he breaks it off.

 

You are in for the long haul. Don't give up. At some point, the endorphin and oxytocsin levels in your husband's brain, which are spiking now,will drop. You'll get your husband back.

 

Hang in there.

[FitMomma]

Grogster, thanks for your supportive reply. I'm not looking forward to this process AT All! I have spent quite a bit of time talking to my best friend of many years, who herself was the cheater. Her insight has been invaluable as someone who was in his shoes. She is also my husband's cousin, so while she, too, is frustrated with his current actions, she does not judge him and doesn't put him down to make me feel better.

 

I will also say that I've told my husband that I feel like a family member on the A&E show "Intervention," one of his favorite programs. He marvels at the denial of these drug and alcohol addicts, and when I compared him to that, he didn't say a word. Crack cocaine, indeed!

[grogster]

In time, he will come to realize his foolish, hurtful and obsessive ways. Now, though, all he sees is Her. They are wrapped up in that Affair bubble, which is damn difficult to burst. But burst it does. The only question is when.

 

Stay strong, fit.

[LoyalGirl]

You talk about the "affair bubble" bursting... What causes it to burst? I think I need to find a pin...

[grogster]

The bubble bursts when the sex levels off and the costs of maintaining the Affair begin to substantially exceed the benefits.

 

An Affair is a relationship, and all relationships level-off after a while. When that happens to an Affair, the motivation to maintain the relationship suffers a greater drop than non-Affair relationships because the stress (and costs) are so much greater.

 

The bill always comes due.

[marlena]

The bubble bursts when the sex levels off and the costs of maintaining the Affair begin to substantially exceed the benefits.

 

An Affair is a relationship, and all relationships level-off after a while. When that happens to an Affair, the motivation to maintain the relationship suffers a greater drop than non-Affair relationships because the stress (and costs) are so much greater.

 

The bill always comes due.

 

Sad but oh so very true!!!

[angie2443]

You talk about the "affair bubble" bursting... What causes it to burst? I think I need to find a pin...

 

One sure way of it bursting is when the BS grows a backbone and doesn't put up with it anymore. When the BS says "I'm worth more than this and won't be a doormat anymore" and leaves, then the bubble will most likely burst.

 

Sometimes the most sickening part of these affairs is how the BS just sits there and takes it, time after time.

[soda]

You talk about the "affair bubble" bursting... What causes it to burst? I think I need to find a pin...

 

A heavy dose of reality. You tell him that you won't put with his sh-- anymore and that the marriage is over if he insists on continuing it.

 

One of my neighbors put all her H's stuff in the driveway along with a map to the Motel 6. Notice that I made no mention of suitcases. It was all just strewn across the driveway. Half the neighborhood was laughing at him when he came home to pick it yup.

 

The bubble bursts when the cheater no longer sees the affair as attractive. Right now, your husband is a cakeeater...he's got his affair and the safety of home. As soon as he figures out that he can't have both, you'll see the bubble burst.

 

And if he doesn't come to this realization, you're better off without him.

[soda]

An Affair is a relationship, and all relationships level-off after a while. When that happens to an Affair, the motivation to maintain the relationship suffers a greater drop than non-Affair relationships because the stress (and costs) are so much greater.

 

The bill always comes due.

 

Early on, the affair is in the honeymoon period. WS can see no wrong in his OM/OW and would do anything to be with him or her.

 

Eventually, the relationship becomes like every other relationship...work. This is where the cheater ultimately determines whether it's worth it to continue.

 

You can help this realization along by showing the cheater exactly what the cost is in continuing the affair.

[Chinook]

I was thinking about this situation. Is it possible for you to speak to his co-worker directly...? The reason I ask is maybe he's telling her everything is fine and she has nothing to worry about because they ARE just friends to her too. This happened to me recently, where I was friends with a guy from work and HE developed feelings for me. When it became obvious (he blurted it out whilst drunk) to me, I have clearly and unequivocably backed away from him, citing that it's (a) changed the friendship now and (b) he needs to put his emotional energy elsewhere. If he can't take the responsibility of ending things - maybe she can..?!

[FitMomma]

Chinook, are you speaking to my situation specifically? If so, I believe that she pursued him and has feelings beyond friendship for him.

 

She began the calls and texting, she did 2/3 to 3/4 of the communicating when it was still hidden from me. She used my hubby for support to break up with her boyfriend, which I've been there, played that game before! She's a younger, single woman, who knew he was married with kids (and one on the way), yet based on what I know of their conversations, she never asked about me, asked to meet me. Offered to take my hubby to shows and concerts, but never wanted to know me per se. He never hid me from her, but I was not a part of their friendship at all. I've been single and friends with married men before. I was very much aware of making sure that I was not overstepping my bounds into their marriage.

Besides, I discovered an email she sent to my husband just over a week ago, that was clearly an adoring love note. When hubby asked her about it (at my insistence), she explained how the verbiage could be just friends and not love. But there's no doubt in my mind that she's in love with him. I trust her much less than my husband...and right now, I don't trust him at all!

[Chinook]

Chinook, are you speaking to my situation specifically? If so, I believe that she pursued him and has feelings beyond friendship for him.

 

She began the calls and texting, she did 2/3 to 3/4 of the communicating when it was still hidden from me. She used my hubby for support to break up with her boyfriend, which I've been there, played that game before! She's a younger, single woman, who knew he was married with kids (and one on the way), yet based on what I know of their conversations, she never asked about me, asked to meet me. Offered to take my hubby to shows and concerts, but never wanted to know me per se. He never hid me from her, but I was not a part of their friendship at all. I've been single and friends with married men before. I was very much aware of making sure that I was not overstepping my bounds into their marriage.

Besides, I discovered an email she sent to my husband just over a week ago, that was clearly an adoring love note. When hubby asked her about it (at my insistence), she explained how the verbiage could be just friends and not love. But there's no doubt in my mind that she's in love with him. I trust her much less than my husband...and right now, I don't trust him at all!

Aahh, I see what you mean. It wasn't like that for me... I'm the one who stepped back from the advances. I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. Would it still be worth considering speaking to her directly..?! I'm just trying to work out how that would work. Maybe he's being too nice to her and she needs a direct dose of reality...?! That could come from you as you have no emotional investment with her. Sure it might upset him and it might upset her too, but it may also go a long way in setting things straight. I know for certain, with my (ex) friend that I would have had no problems with his wife speaking to me if it had become a problem. Fortunately, I saw it as a problem way before anyone else had... and at that point stepped back. Maybe she needs to be reminded of her boundaries, if it's you who has to do that, I don't think that's such a bad thing.

[angie2443]

The reason I ask is maybe he's telling her everything is fine and she has nothing to worry about because they ARE just friends to her too.

 

Be carefull FitMomma. In Chinook's situation, this was true, but I've read enough of your situation to know it's not. It is very easy to be gas-lighted in these situations, by the spouse and there "friend".