jwi71 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 My wife had an affair. Discovered it on 6/10/08. Suspected it when she skipped our daughter's birthday to have sex with her boss. Where to begin? Married 7 years (together 12). Two children, ages 5 and almost 3. I am 37, she is 34. Both degreed, I am MBA, she's working on CPA I have never had an affair at any level. Times recently have been stressful. We bought a new house that was/is being built. Worried about work and economy and the stress of home payments (our first home - our dream home btw). Yes we could afford it...just the stress of "becoming homeowners" (and the construction itself). She typically didnt contribute much...she would cook most meals, ususally did the laundry (but I contributed some) and went to work. I hired a maid service to clean so only light cleaning after the two kids. Pretty easy life for her if you ask me. The life provided by some late hours and lots of stress/worry/planning on my part. I worked and came home to worry about investments and the economy and the kids and retirement and the house and on and on and on. No doubt I was "neglectful" and distant for several months. I cannot deny the role I played. Of course I would say this simple "life"...you have stress deal with it. Which she did, by letting me handle it all. She had recently started a job making a lot more money at a large international firm (multi-billion major firm). Worked there for two months. Her boss Daniel was a friend to her. No, I didnt know he existed - only found out afterward. That btw is crossing boundary number 1...keeping him secret when she had other male friends. You see, I trusted my wife fully. Used to anyway. After those two months of being friends...they started dating. They "dated" for two weeks before she slept with him. The dates were lunches. The best part is to come. You see, I had no idea they were dating during lunch or having cyber sex at night (on the laptop I thought she was working, surfing or studying). Until she skipped our daughters 5th birthday party. Then I knew something was up. Our daughter's birthday was a Saturday. And we had plans. So she told me that she would work Sunday and then join the family party that day. She never made it and I knew she was cheating. In fact, she actually planned the affiar for Sunday. Planned it! And then went over for an eight hour sex fest. I didn't catch her until Tuesday. I would have Monday except she had no problem spending 1000 for dental work that day...and was kinda out of it. She never had problems spending the cash. So on Tuesday I caught her in a chat with him...and it was all in the open then. She never denied it. I threw her out that night. She called Thursday begging to come back. I was told by mother that "Pride goeth before the fall" and realizing that, I let her back home. Mistake. She would leave (to hurt me) or I would throw her out (sick of her BS). Each time returning to him. She's back home now and for the past ten days, I think she's making more of an effort. But not enough really. I asked her to move out this morning. I need time to digest everything. I haven't because, well, I still have two kids and bills and life to deal with. MOre aptly, I have nowhere to go...she does, either hotel or his place (she always goes to his dump of an apartment - really, its a dump). Looking at her, what she has done, how she lied, how she didnt care...is too much for me. I need space that I cannot fully have. So she needs to go...at least temporarily. Except we all know what will happen. He will be over the first night she is out. And that hurts. It is also very telling. No wonder she isnt fully committed to me or therapy...she can't be with half he heart with him. Yet, it still hurts. I cannot describe this. It came out of nowhere...I had no idea. It has already cost us so much...lost the house obviously. No way I buy it now. Lost money. Lost my beautiful 911. The hurt. The hurt the kids will face. Why? Why would anyone do this? Is asking for her to go smart? Should I just grin and bear it? She is better now after 5 weeks of being....ethereal. She didnt get pregnant and tested negative for all STDs (they didnt use condom all those times). How can I forgive? Its inherently unjust. Why must I simply accept her sleeping with her boss? Its like affairs cost her nothing..because I must somehow forgive? WTF? Help. Anyone have ideas or advice on how to survive the affair and the upcoming separation?
troubadour Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 It looks like one of this situations in which the sooner you serve her divorce papers the better off you will be. It will be a wake up call for her if there is anything to save in your marriage. Have you considered taking actions against her boss... I am talking legal actions?
mark982 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 buddy, i really feel for you.all you can do is stick to what you know is right.you can't have someone moving in and out, screwing up your kids life anymore than it all ready is.I really can't offer much in advice. you're just in a terrible sitution. i wish you nothing but the best.
LakesideDream Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 JWI71, There is nothing I can add that will make you feel better. Feeling better just isn't in your current universe. You need to consentrate on survival. Your WW/STBXW (Wayward Wife / Soon to be Ex Wife - the acronyms can be difficult here) is making all the wrong decisions. He actions are deliberate. You are both educated, and seemingly mature enough to know what you are doing. The most telling part of your story is that your wife is ignoring her own children to be with this scoundrel, yes he's a scoundrel... he is going ahead, accomodating and encouraging your wife to be his "girlfriend" without regard to the reality that there are tiny children involved. As troub suggested, filing immediately for divorce may be the wake up call your wife needs to look at her life in real terms, not the lust enhanced terms she see's her life in now. From your tone it sounds as if you will not be able to look past what has happened so far and reconcile with her. I don't blame you. I could never put myself into a situation where I needed to trust a woman who exhibited your wife's behavior. Good Speed and good luck. Keep posting. There are many here with excellent advice, some with similar experiances. You will also get posts you don't like, or that you believe don't apply. Bare in mind that everyone who posts is making the effort to do so. Life is going to become even more difficult. Steel yourself against the work ahead.
troubadour Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 If you are in U.S. find a good craeative lawyer and file a lawsuite against the company your W works for and another one against her boss. It will change the dynamics of this whole situation immediately. Her boss will get fired because the company will have no choice considering a lawsuite. Of course, quite likely your wife may also lose her job... no more lunch dates. At this moment let them both play at your cost. I have rather liberal views when it comes to relationships but I do not tolerate EMAs at workplace and EMAs among friends. These are "no flying zones" for my taste. And like I said before... immediately file for a divorce. Do not worry about your 911... the exterior is great the interior looks like Chevrolet Cavalier... I do not miss mine. 1
LakesideDream Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 If you are in U.S. find a good craeative lawyer and file a lawsuite against the company your W works for and another one against her boss. It will change the dynamics of this whole situation immediately. Her boss will get fired because the company will have no choice considering a lawsuite. Of course, quite likely your wife may also lose her job... no more lunch dates. At this moment let them both play at your cost. I have rather liberal views when it comes to relationships but I do not tolerate EMAs at workplace and EMAs among friends. These are "no flying zones" for my taste. And like I said before... immediately file for a divorce. Do not worry about your 911... the exterior is great the interior looks like Chevrolet Cavalier... I do not miss mine. Troub... brilliant! Those lawsuits will produce results too! The OP will have a nice nest egg to begin his new life, and a good start on the college funds as well. "Multi-Billion" dollar firms don't want the trouble.. They will settle !
Meaplus3 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 My wife had an affair. Discovered it on 6/10/08. Suspected it when she skipped our daughter's birthday to have sex with her boss. Where to begin? Married 7 years (together 12). Two children, ages 5 and almost 3. I am 37, she is 34. Both degreed, I am MBA, she's working on CPA I have never had an affair at any level. Times recently have been stressful. We bought a new house that was/is being built. Worried about work and economy and the stress of home payments (our first home - our dream home btw). Yes we could afford it...just the stress of "becoming homeowners" (and the construction itself). She typically didnt contribute much...she would cook most meals, ususally did the laundry (but I contributed some) and went to work. I hired a maid service to clean so only light cleaning after the two kids. Pretty easy life for her if you ask me. The life provided by some late hours and lots of stress/worry/planning on my part. I worked and came home to worry about investments and the economy and the kids and retirement and the house and on and on and on. No doubt I was "neglectful" and distant for several months. I cannot deny the role I played. Of course I would say this simple "life"...you have stress deal with it. Which she did, by letting me handle it all. She had recently started a job making a lot more money at a large international firm (multi-billion major firm). Worked there for two months. Her boss Daniel was a friend to her. No, I didnt know he existed - only found out afterward. That btw is crossing boundary number 1...keeping him secret when she had other male friends. You see, I trusted my wife fully. Used to anyway. After those two months of being friends...they started dating. They "dated" for two weeks before she slept with him. The dates were lunches. The best part is to come. You see, I had no idea they were dating during lunch or having cyber sex at night (on the laptop I thought she was working, surfing or studying). Until she skipped our daughters 5th birthday party. Then I knew something was up. Our daughter's birthday was a Saturday. And we had plans. So she told me that she would work Sunday and then join the family party that day. She never made it and I knew she was cheating. In fact, she actually planned the affiar for Sunday. Planned it! And then went over for an eight hour sex fest. I didn't catch her until Tuesday. I would have Monday except she had no problem spending 1000 for dental work that day...and was kinda out of it. She never had problems spending the cash. So on Tuesday I caught her in a chat with him...and it was all in the open then. She never denied it. I threw her out that night. She called Thursday begging to come back. I was told by mother that "Pride goeth before the fall" and realizing that, I let her back home. Mistake. She would leave (to hurt me) or I would throw her out (sick of her BS). Each time returning to him. She's back home now and for the past ten days, I think she's making more of an effort. But not enough really. I asked her to move out this morning. I need time to digest everything. I haven't because, well, I still have two kids and bills and life to deal with. MOre aptly, I have nowhere to go...she does, either hotel or his place (she always goes to his dump of an apartment - really, its a dump). Looking at her, what she has done, how she lied, how she didnt care...is too much for me. I need space that I cannot fully have. So she needs to go...at least temporarily. Except we all know what will happen. He will be over the first night she is out. And that hurts. It is also very telling. No wonder she isnt fully committed to me or therapy...she can't be with half he heart with him. Yet, it still hurts. I cannot describe this. It came out of nowhere...I had no idea. It has already cost us so much...lost the house obviously. No way I buy it now. Lost money. Lost my beautiful 911. The hurt. The hurt the kids will face. Why? Why would anyone do this? Is asking for her to go smart? Should I just grin and bear it? She is better now after 5 weeks of being....ethereal. She didnt get pregnant and tested negative for all STDs (they didnt use condom all those times). How can I forgive? Its inherently unjust. Why must I simply accept her sleeping with her boss? Its like affairs cost her nothing..because I must somehow forgive? WTF? Help. Anyone have ideas or advice on how to survive the affair and the upcoming separation? You ask how you can forgive? I think you should ask yourself if you are willing to forgive.. and give your marriage a second chance. I realize that may be very tough to do right now.. after all you have been put through by your wifes A. You need to take sometime and think about this. If you do want to try to repair your marriage there is always marriage counseling. Hang in there. AP:)
canadian976 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 hey I've been through this myself. It wasnt her boss it was my business partner. Its a completely traumatic time. Your reactions are totally normal given the circumstances. However you should avoid making any sharp decisions on divorce or seperation at this time, give it a month. In the meantime she needs to make a pact with you. A solid one. Because it's her boss it makes things way more complicated but it must be done. All of your conditions must be met. The conditions must be fair and cant extend beyond fixing the problem. She has to agree with all of your conditions or she's gone. Shes the one who has done wrong. People have these problems after being together for a long long time, the most important thing right now is ensuring that the side relationship does not continue. It will be very hard, she will miss him and that will make you feel even worse. In the end this is a choice between him and you and you need to make her understand this. I'd suggest: #1- you take her laptop. Format it. Lock it up in a safe. Its still hers, but not hers to use for now #2- cellphone. You get to keep it for a month. She doesnt get to have another one. Have the bills delivered to a post office box. Check the bills for odd numbers, find out his number and make sure there are no calls made. Give her your cell phone and tell her that it has to always be on at all times, even on vibrate in her pocket so she can take your calls. If your phone is too importnat to give to her get her another one and dont tell her the number. Check the call logs. No outbound calls at all. Period. #3- wherabouts. Its never fun to be not trusted and she will get all defensive but if she is to be trusted by you again you must have assurance. She needs to tell you where she's going, when she will be back, and she needs to help you KNOW that this is true by calling you from that location so you can see the caller ID. #4- Work. She screwed her boss. So she has to quit. You cant possibly live with the idea that shes back there talking to him and working with him in the same environment that fostered the relationship in the first place. She will complain about the financial hardship, career, bla bla. Stick to your guns. If she never balled her boss, she wouldn't be here in the first place. And working with some dude she screwed will do nothing but make life complicated at work for her later. #5- Decompression. She is feeling guilt towards you, love for you, love for him, and withdrawal of the high of the forbidden fruit. She will need to completely decompress. Send her out of town somewhere where she can be trusted. Like your parents place or a mutual couple friend. She should go there for a month after her last day of work. Tell the parents / couple / whoever she is staying with about what happened and why she is going there. Make an effort to call every day. #6- Learning. When I went through this problem I got a book called "Not Just Friends" and it helped both me and the woman get through it. If she doesnt agree to these terms then you just end the relationship. Even if she does all of these things this is going to drive you insane for a very long time. As you slowly trust her more and more, start to annul the rules, but keep an open end on them that if for some reason you feel sketchy about something that you can ask for one of the rules to be reinstated. She has to EARN your trust back. Any other way and you are going to simply feel resentful. --- Now with all that said, if you take her back you are going to be in for a long road of pain, and she is going to have to understand that and understand that she may be making this up to you for a very long time. Try not to be vengeful as hard as that will sound, that will only make things worse. If you are strong, caring, loving, and firm she will only respect you more. Later in life and your relationship, things will pop up that will remind you of this event and send your mind reeling. Over time it will get better but some triggers will send you right back over the top. She needs to understand what your triggers are and take extra special care to never trigger them, if she isnt careful and you blow your lid then she needs to understand that it isnt your fault. You will suffer from post traumatic stress disorder in a minor sort of way. In my own relationship, things have never been the same after the affair. I had a simmilar situation to yours, except my parents came over for what was supposed to be a "normal" day for a change with them and then she never showed up for the BBQ. Turned out that was a day she was with him, thats what led me to the bust. Sometimes I get sketchy still here years later. My questioning at times makes her feel like I'm always checking up on her, even though it comes and goes in phases as she hits my triggers. Makes her want to not tell me things because she doesnt want to hit my buttons but her lying about things makes it even worse. In the end, here 3 years after the affair she wants to enter into a seperation, but she still wants to work towards being together. A big part of the reason for that is the trust issue. Its real hard to trust someone who lied to your face and broke your bond. Unfortunately you can still love her dearly and if you just punt her out of your life and divorce her you may regret it later. Only you can make the choices you need to make and I would give yourself a month as long as she plays by your rules. Remember that 40% of men and like 38% of women have some sort of an extramarital affair at some point in their lives. It is wrong and it is terrible but remember that it can certainly happen to you, and maybe 5-10 years into the future you may find yourself in simmilar shoes. Dont go cheating on her for revenge though because that will just start a horrible cycle. Focus on these things: #1- you getting the reassurance in a verifiable fashion that the affair has ended and that there arent any others #2- finding out what she feels she is missing in the first place that made her attracted to this other guy. Its not your fault but it is an indicator of some failings in your relationship. Honestly from your initial post I would suspect that maybe you are working too hard, too much on the house, too much on the construction, then you have kids and downtime and theres no time left for eachother. She got lonely maybe and complained to the boss about how your never around. The boss saw a spark and moved in on it because she was working late nights and liked his attention. Remember life isnt all about keeping up with the joneses and even though women can be some of the most superficial creatures (why cant we get a bigger house? a new car) all the home theatre surround projection units and plush beds in the world wont keep them faithful what they seek is that bonding and "time in". In the end make sure that you feel comfortable with her efforts to make good. If you feel like she keeps turning things back on you or like she's trying to just hide the affair better then you had best cut her loose because it will eat you inside to keep trying. Sorry to hear your situation... Its a real ego buster, I know I had been there. In my case the guy was a fat ugly dork who did all of the things to excess that she was complaining that I did too much while she was with him (drinking too much, smoking, going out to strip clubs) so it was a double whammy that here I was trying like hell to change those things and make her happy and she was sneaking around with a guy who was all about that crap.
Author jwi71 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Thank you for the responses. We have had another joint counseling session and one individual one each. She says all the right things but does nothing. Her attempts to reach out consist of 1) talking more 2) listening more 3) providing a detailed cell phone bill. And that's it. She is still blaming me (this is what lead to individual sessions...our therapist wants to talk to her alone). Currently, still a roller coaster. Good days and bad. Going on 4 good days right now. Still get angry. Still hurt. Still have zero trust in her. I have made all the pertinent plans I can. I'm in place. Lawyer in place (and evidence delivered). Kid's passports locked and require both of us to sign for international travel (wife is foreign national and fleeing home with the kids is a real fear - not much of one, but possible). House lost. 911 gone on Saturday. Paid off all credit cards and student loans (might as well). So, I hope she begins to try. To really make an effort. If not, the bitch is gone. She did nothing for the first several weeks (trying to decide me or the OM). She eventually says she decided on me. So, the last ten days, she is better. I hope she continues.
troubadour Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 Jwi71, I think you are just setting yourself for a prolonged agony... it appears that your marriage is running on fumes... if it is still running.
Billy Bob Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 So, I hope she begins to try. To really make an effort. If not, the bitch is gone. She did nothing for the first several weeks (trying to decide me or the OM). She eventually says she decided on me. So, the last ten days, she is better. I hope she continues. You need to dump this bitch! Sorry for your marriage, but once this much dirt has piled up, it can't ever get clean enough again. She is obviously not in-love with you, take pride in yourself and go find someone that really appreciates and loves you.
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Agreed, ice this woman. She's a selfish, dumb you know what. Well, that's my reaction. You know best. But, yeah...I feel you bro. I feel you.
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